Ohhhhhhh...my BACK! I'm not sure if I'm getting another kidney infection, if I could be starting pre-term back labor, if these are just more painful Braxton Hicks, or if my back just hurts from carrying around this extra bundle. I have antibiotics waiting at the pharmacy, so after I leave the library I'm going to pick them up and start taking them just in case.
It's 2013! My New Year's Eve was pretty fantastic, but the next day was anything BUT. I think we should have refrained from staying up until midnight because all three of us (my son, my daughter, and myself) were cranky and emotional the next day. We had a fun party, though! I got pizza, pop, and movies. My mom gave us confetti (which led to a mental breakdown the next day...thanks, Mom...), crafts, and candy. The kids did their crafts, watched movies, had a dance party in the dark while Tristan shined his projector on the wall so they could see their shadows dance, ate pizza, and made gummy bugs. The next day we made confetti cake and hung out around the apartment. The kids totally trashed it, there was confetti everywhere, and I lost my mind just before I had to bring them home. :( I feel pretty terrible about that.
We had been having such a good time, but then I noticed the tree was tipped over, the toys were scattered everywhere, confetti was from one end of the apartment to the other, my antibacterial gel was all squeezed out in the bathroom, there was paint on the carpet and the table, and there were stickers stuck to my coffee table. Oh, and gum stuck in the carpet. Oy. I handled things poorly and just couldn't stop yelling. We were all crying. It was terrible -- but it motivated me to ask my family advocate about parenting classes. I'd been putting that off, but I really think the time has come that good parenting should be more of a priority.
I didn't really make a resolution, but I've been doing some serious reflection on my choices. Your life is a result of the choices you have made, and if I want my life to change, I need to make better choices. I already knew this, but I needed to come up with some concrete examples of exactly WHAT decisions will be different. I want to be a better mom. I want to avoid hurting people when I am angry. I want to avoid going down paths which I know will take me nowhere. I will not date anyone who is married. I will be more firm about my boundaries and not allowing people in my life to cross them. I will stop putting the feelings of other people before the best interests of myself and my children -- as in, if there is a choice I need to make for the well-being of myself or my kids, I'm not going to avoid making it just because it might upset someone else. I am the one who has to live with my decisions, and it's not being "mean" to cut certain people out of my life when I know that my emotional health depends on cutting ties. If I have a problem, I want to take action to resolve it. Whatever you focus on, you bring more of into your life. So I want to focus on the positive things and complain less. I think that's a pretty good start.
Work is going well; it's been more of the same ol' same ol'. But it pays the bills, and it feels good to be caught up on those. I need to get some work done on my car and I also need to put insurance on it so I can renew the plates. I also need to get back into the habit of healthy eating because I fell off the wagon in a big way. It was the holidays, I know, but I was doing really well. I had lost 4 pounds in 2 weeks but now I fear I have more than made up for that. Nothing I can do but try again!
I'm meeting up with a friend tonight, I'm pretty excited. I think I need more friends in my life. This way I won't think I need a romantic relationship to complete me. I can be content to just be myself and be alone instead of rushing into the arms of the next person who says a nice word to me. I've been everybody else's girl...today, I'll be my own. (To paraphrase Tori Amos)
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