Here's the funny thing. The first night that Noe came over, I did a tarot reading while I awaited his arrival. Although it contained some promising cards, such as the two of cups (what better card could one ask for in a relationship reading, besides The Lovers???), in the outcome position stood The Tower. Convinced that I had made some mistake, I reshuffled and dealt again. The Tower was still there. Frustrated, I tried to twist my interpretation so that I could see the card in a favorable light. Let's see...The Tower shows someone falling from the top of a crumbling, flaming structure. Falling. Falling in love? Hahahaha. See how we can delude ourselves.
Well, here I am, amidst this pile of rubble that was once the relationship I built with N. It crumbled to the ground, sending me falling in terror back down to the ground where I must start building all over again. What will I build? A new life? Another relationship? It's time to pick up the broken pieces, heal from the disaster, and make something stronger.
I'm very scared, I'm not going to lie. In less than 15 minutes, I will be at the Homeless Assessment Center where they will be getting me into a shelter. I'm starting over, off into the great unknown. I feel also like The Fool. Of course I keep asking myself if I'm sure, if I can't maybe give it just one more try. He keeps telling me he'll change, he'll never hurt me again. The thing is, I heard it before. He cheated on me and said he wouldn't fuck up again. Then I found out he was sleeping in the same bed as his wife. He said he wouldn't hurt me again. Then I found conversations he was having with other girls on Yahoo Chat while I was at work. Guess what? He said he'd never do it again. Guess what? I don't fucking believe him!!!!!
Here's the worst part. I think part of what kept me in this relationship for so long was some aspect of competition. Sick, isn't it? She still wanted him, and I had him. But then he slept with her, and then he was living with her, so I constantly felt like I had to compete. That I had to WIN. That she had to know that I was number one. WHAT? I don't WANT to be "number one". I want to be the ONLY ONE!!! I was laughing at her because he left her and moved in with me, but guess who's laughing now? I thought I won, but what did I really win? A booby prize, junk that no one wants anyway. I guess the joke is on me.
But wait, here's the best part. When I broke up with him, he said he was going to talk to her about getting back together "for the girls". Really? So what have I really had with him for the past ten months? He never gave me all of him, he never let go of her, he never committed completely to me. Not like I did to him. I don't have a backup plan. Either he loved her the whole time he was with me, which was an insult to me, or he doesn't love her and he's going to be with her anyway. How cruel! SHE loves HIM. Why deny her the opportunity to be with someone who will TRULY love her just because you're selfish and helpless and can't take care of yourself? It's not what's best for your daughters...what kind of message do you think you're sending about the kind of treatment they should expect from men when they are of age to date?
***RANT OVER***
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