First and foremost, here is the news I waited 20 weeks for -- it's a girl! N's sister went with me to the ultrasound and she got some really good pictures. She also made a video, you can see the baby stretching and it's quite adorable.
Since that day, things have become much harder for me mentally. I have continued to talk to adoption counselors and agencies, but I feel really torn. Inside, I'm like an emotional teeter totter. One moment, I'll have an overwhelming sense that my baby belongs with me and I'll be unable to fathom handing that precious bundle over to anyone. The next moment, I'll be thinking about all the preparation that still needs to be done in the next four months and be confident that adoption is the best choice for this child. I was reading a book about adoption and cried through the whole thing, resolute that I absolutely could not do it. Not two nights later, N's four year old daughter woke up in the middle of the night and I was just as convinced that I absolutely could not be waking up to a crying baby multiple times every night. I keep feeling like with time, the right choice will become clear -- but what if it doesn't? What if I make the wrong decision? What if, at 40 weeks pregnant, I'm no closer to being at peace with a final decision?
I went to my son's conferences last night and I can't believe what a vast improvement he has made since last year. It hurts a lot, because I thought I was doing a pretty good job, but now that he's staying with his aunt and uncle, his behavioral issues have all but disappeared. Obviously, as painful as it is to recognize, I WAS doing something wrong. I'm simultaneously so happy that he seems to have been saved from a bleak future and panicked that I will not meet the standard that my brother and his wife are currently setting. What if he comes back to me and backslides? What if, despite my best efforts, I am unable to parent the way that they are? What if they try to take custody? Right now, they hold all the cards.
I don't know if they really don't know it or if they're pretending not to recognize the position of advantage they have, but it exists. What really worries me is that due to my brother's job in law enforcement, the latter is the more likely scenario. What does this mean? Are they playing dumb to placate me so I'll be blindsided when I find out about a court date? Even though I am already pretty much expecting them to try to take him (despite their constant claims to the contrary), what benefit is this advance knowledge to me? He goes to school in their district. They provide his clothing, his shelter, his toys. They take him places, including to the doctor and to school. School records show that since he has lived with them, he has improved. I wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell against them. All I can do is keep fighting through the school year to make sure I have a leg to stand on when it's over. This means taking parenting classes, finding a stable living environment, going to counseling, and getting out of this relationship. They could argue that I can no longer provide a safe place for him now because of what transpired between N and I in his presence, and how could I argue with that?
Speaking of N, he's in a "sweet phase". You know -- he's turned (temporarily) back into the man I fell in love with. I know how this works and I don't expect it to last long. Do I sound bitter, pessimistic, and cynical? Of course I am. You would be too, if you lived the life I've lived. I wonder if one option would be to attend counseling together. He has said he's willing. Would that be sufficient to break the cycle? Would it be enough to appease the court? Would he then become capable of maintaining a healthy relationship and respecting my boundaries? No one can say whether or not he will genuinely change, and that's the tough part. Sometimes they do; more often they don't. How much of a risk am I willing to take to be with him? Am I just trying to rationalize staying because it's more comfortable? Am I looking for a way to avoid what I fear I can not do? I am at a standstill.
As far as my life goes, I got placed on my new assignment on Tuesday. It's supposed to go for two weeks and it's 40 hours each week. I can't complain, it's fairly easy. All the standing, bending, and lifting is really killing my feet and my back though! I expect that the pain will abate once I get accustomed to the job. All I do is put together cardboard boxes all day until my fingers don't want to bend anymore. Last night, I even dreamed of putting boxes together! I tried to make the dream stop because I wanted a break from work while I slept, but my mind kept returning to it. In pregnancy news, my belly suddenly "popped" and I no longer look like I've just been eating too many snack cakes or downing too many beers. I definitely look pregnant. I'm in that awkward phase where my regular pants no longer fit me, but maternity pants keep falling down. I have gained 14 pounds so far, which is more than what I want at this point but the weight gain calculator online said I'm right on track. Still, I think it would be wise for me to take it easy on the sweet breads and cookies. Ahhhh, sugar! Always my downfall! This baby will surely be born with a sweet tooth.
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