I was going to title this "3 of Swords", but I thought about it and decided that the 5 of Pentacles is a better card to describe what I'm feeling right now. After it occurred to me, I went to a site to get some third party information to share with you about why I feel so "Five of Pentacles-sy" today. Here it is: "General: In general, the 5 of Pentacles points to a feeling of being left out in the cold, as though everyone else in the world has everything and you are the only one that is suffering. Realize that this is not the case. Do the best you can, with what you have, but remember that the wise thing to do, if one needs help, is to go out and ask for it. The help you need will come."
I wouldn't exactly say that everything is going wrong, but I'm in a period of transition. To quote Tori Amos, "Change waltzes in with her sister Pain". These are wise words indeed, and I couldn't agree more. I just feel so left out in the cold right now. I'll start from the beginning and explain.
At about 3:45 this morning, I heard my sister and her husband talking. Startled, I checked my phone to see what time it was. I was sure that I had slept in. When I realized what time it was, I listened to their conversation to hear what was going on. I heard her husband ask, "Are you sure you didn't pee yourself?" I assumed that her water must have broken, even though her due date is two weeks away. I was right. Of course I was very excited for them and I thought about her all day. I know that I haven't been very involved with the goings-on of my family lately, but she took me in and helped me when she didn't have to. I may not have been around much, but I've been under the same roof as she for the last few days. I was sure that I'd get an update about the progress of things, sure that they would realize that I would want to know.
I'm going to stop myself here because it sounds like I think the world revolves around me or that all I care about is myself. This isn't true, and I would never tell her or anyone else in my family how I feel. Because it ISN'T about me, it's her time, the baby's time, and some things are better left unsaid. However, this is my blog where I come to express things that I keep inside. So, here we are. My phone died at work. We were asked to work until 7, but I was sure that if the baby hadn't been born yet, it would be soon. I was sure that the family would be up there and would want me there. I got my check and cashed it, then rushed straight back to her house so that I could charge my phone. There were no messages, no phone calls.
Well, there WAS one text -- from my sister in law, saying she had "plans with friends" tonight and asking if she could just give me my card on the weekend instead of tonight as we had planned on. I told her that would be fine and asked if my sister had had the baby yet. I got no answer, so I texted my mom. Nothing. I texted my sister but wasn't surprised when she didn't answer. Frustrated, I texted my sister in law again and asked her to at least have my son call me before bed. (She never did.) I started to get the idea that everyone but me was "in the loop", that everyone else was welcome to come share in my sister's joy and that I was somehow unwanted. I shook it off. My sister was busy, of course she didn't have time to update me.
Feeling a bit rejected, I texted N. Yes, I know it was a bad idea. I just needed someone to talk to and he DID say he would always be there for me. Yeah, right. He didn't text back, so I called. It went right to voicemail. I assumed that he was still at work so I gave up. At a loss, I decided to go buy my sister a gift while I waited for the go-ahead to come see them at the hospital. I drove all the way to the boutique, only to find it closed. I decided to kill some time at my friend Fabio's house. While I was there, I tried again to contact N. Still nothing. Finally, at about 7, I got a text from my mom saying that she was leaving the hospital and the baby had been born at 4. I texted my sister asking if I could come visit and she said to come at 8:30. I left Fabio's at 7:30, got to the hospital by 8, and was almost to her room when she texted me asking if I could come tomorrow instead as she and the baby were tired.
I get it, I really do. I know that everyone isn't out to get me and that everyone has many more important things to worry about than how I feel. I'm sure none of this is intentional. I had seen my brother leaving the hospital just as I was entering, so it was all starting to get to me. Dejected, I started heading home. I had already told N that I wasn't going to contact him anymore and I get it. Tonight, it was just me, myself, and I. Oh, and my baby, who I can't even keep. I have never felt so alone in my life. I felt like I was going to melt like a sugar cube in the rain. I choked back tears as I drove home and finally, after 8, got a text from N that he had been working. It's a lie and I know it, but who am I to demand honesty anymore? What business is it of mine what he was doing? Why waste the time and energy to call him out? What it comes down to is that I wasn't important enough to respond to. Something else mattered more, and that was okay. I don't need to matter to anyone right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment