Wow. I think I jinxed myself. On Friday, I just wrote about how things have to change. Then, on Saturday...they did.
I had my kids for the weekend. N and I decided to take them to Art Prize on Saturday. Tensions were already pretty high -- I picked him up from work after the last entry and questioned him about a McDonald's receipt I had found in my car. On it were three McChickens, 5 McDoubles, 4 four piece nuggets, 2 large fries, and 2 large cokes. Supposedly, he had only taken his two daughters (4 and 7) with him. It appeared to me that someone else had accompanied him. Of course I was angry, considering that if he had, he had used my car to take some other girl to McDonald's. (Probably his wife). Anyway, he denied it and I couldn't really prove it, but negative vibes were flowing everywhere.
I had asked him a few days prior if he could babysit for me on Saturday while I worked, and he had agreed. We got home and he stayed in the bedroom, not talking to me, playing on Facebook for hours and hours. He barely had two words to say to me, yet he managed to find all the time in the world for people on Facebook. That wasn't the first time it happened, either -- his phone had become more of a girlfriend to him by that point than I had, and I was tired of it. He came into the kitchen to make coffee at about six or seven at night, casually mentioned that he had to work the next day so he didn't know what I was going to do about a sitter, and went back to the bedroom. More arguing ensued and finally I decided I'd just call in to work. He came to bed calling me names, saying that I was a ho that was only good for being degraded, telling me he wanted a girl who hadn't been with the whole town, and insulting me in other ways. He forced himself sexually on me and ended the evening by saying he didn't love me anymore. Then, when he woke up, he demanded that I get him lunch ready for work. I told him I wasn't going to take orders from someone who would disrespect me and he could get his own damn lunch. He dragged me to the kitchen by my hair, and I went back to the bedroom. He turned on the light and woke up my son, which pissed me off. (It was only about 6 AM on a Saturday morning). He insulted me and disrespected me in front of my son. He dragged me to the kitchen by my hair AGAIN, but I stood firm and refused to make him lunch. Who the HELL does he think he is????
Anyway, he ended up apologizing and I made up my mind that I was going to leave him on Monday. I had my kids, though, and I wanted to spend the weekend with them. So I decided to make the best of it and play nice until then. What a mistake THAT was! Fast forward to Art Prize...we're walking around downtown, and he is taking great pains to make sure he is not standing too close to us. He keeps walking ahead of us, on the other side of exhibits from us, doing whatever he has to do make it look like he isn't with us. I started getting frustrated, but I bit my tongue.
Then we went to an exhibit by his friend Kat, whom I know he has a thing for. I told myself that if he stood by my side the whole time and acted like he was proud to be with me in front of her, I'd let the rest of it all go. At first, things went well. He said, "Okay, let's go" and we stood up to leave the temple. Kat greeted everyone on their way out. I thought he was right behind us because he had been sitting next to me, but when I turned around, he was about four people behind me. I let my irritation get the best of me and questioned him about his shady behavior. He started speed walking back to the car. I had no idea where I was parked, so I depended on him to lead me back. I had two children in tow and he wasn't stopping or slowing down for us. By the time we reached my car, pissed off and out of breath, I was fuming. I have no sense of direction, so I started driving aimlessly. I didn't know the way back home.
Soon he was telling me how stupid I was and how much of an idiot I was because I couldn't find my way back. He proceeded to berate and insult me for two hours, just cruelly cutting me down and laughing at me. I shouldn't have let it bother me because I know I AM an intelligent person, but I let him get under my skin. As the night went on, he continued poking me, tickling me, touching me -- anything to irritate me. I ended up biting him because he was pissing me off so bad, but he continued. I decided to leave and go to my sister's, so he choked me (I was lying on the floor next to my son at this point) then grabbed me by the hair and threw me on top of my daughter. Finally, he took off with my car so I called my brother (who is a police officer) to find out how to report it stolen. Well, karma can be a bitch...by the time my brother showed up, the police showed up as well. None of us had called them -- he had been pulled over because my plates are expired. I told the cop what happened, but because I had bit him, it didn't matter. Honestly!!! He fucking CHOKED me and THREW ME BY MY HAIR on TOP OF MY DAUGHTER!!! Not to mention, all of THAT was unprovoked. I was only trying to sleep. When I had bit him, he had been holding me down, tickling me, poking me, grabbing me...I'm not saying it was justified, but it was PROVOKED. What the FUCK?
Anyway, he went to jail for driving without a license and his sister bailed him out. I went to my brother's for the night and his wife brought me back to my car the next morning. Well, I had nowhere to stay because the homeless assessment thing is not open on Sundays, so I was going to sleep in my car. I brought N his hard hat and he sucked me back in for a minute, but I keep thinking of my son and how I have to give him the best life I can. He shouldn't have seen that, and N won't change. I'm not happy with him and I never will be. He isn't faithful and he won't ever be. He isn't honest and he won't ever be that either. Can I accept a mean lying cheater? Will I sacrifice my loving, precious little boy for him? Like hell.
I'm going to the women's shelter tomorrow. Wish me luck.
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