23 Weeks

I'm not feeling very articulate today, but I'm going to blog anyway.  I'm 23 weeks along as of today; my baby is as long as an ear of corn and weighs about a pound.  Nothing new is really going on with me at this stage of the pregnancy.

The shelter called me today and I move in at 6 tomorrow!  I was just getting ready to go stay with my grandparents until December, too.  They live about an hour north.  This is good timing because my sister is bringing her baby home today -- he was born on Thursday (2 weeks early) and weighs just 5 pounds 11 ounces.  He's tiny but precious -- and he has a lot of hair!  Last night, my sister in law came over to my sister's house and we made some food to freeze so the new parents don't have to worry about cooking for a few days.  I also told my sister if she ever wants me to come over and clean or cook or help out in any way, I'd be glad to.  I'm very thankful that she let me stay there for the last week.  Besides, I know what it's like to be a new mom and I know she'll probably be exhausted and overwhelmed.

The adoption agency also called me back.  They got my forms and just wanted to let me know that someone will be contacting me in a few days.  Although N said that I have his support no matter what I decide to do, he has been acting like this just isn't happening.  Maybe denial is his way to cope, but I think in the end it will hurt more.  I keep trying to think of this baby as belonging to someone else.  If I keep thinking of her as MY baby, then suddenly have to abruptly transition to NOT my baby, that will be pretty traumatic for me.  If I start getting used to the idea now, the blow may not be as harsh when the time comes for her to go with her family.

I have been attacked for my decision, which I expected.  This isn't about anyone else right now, not even me.  This is about my baby and I don't really care if no one else understands -- I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing.  I was reading some statistics on private adoption and was amazed at how wrong some of the ignorant assumptions are that people make.  For example, nearly 3 out of every 4 adopted children ages 0-5 are read to or sang to every day, compared with only half of non-adopted children who receive the same attention from their biological parents.  Furthermore, well over half of all adopted children eat dinner with their families at least six days per week.  "The adoption statistic shows that over 90 percent of adopted children ages 5 and older have positive feelings about their adoption. Most adopted children are raised in happy homes by loving adoptive parents, so why would an adopted child hate his birth parents, the ones who provided him with a great life and his mom and dad?"  (http://www.americanadoptions.com/pregnant/adoption_stats)

Monday, I am going to my friend's womb wellness sister circle.  They get together on the new and full moons to celebrate sacred femininity and be a source of support for one another.  I joined the circle and attended the first meeting, but since then I've been...away.  I'm ready to be back and I really need this.  I need to get back in touch with my feminine power, and besides, I could really use the companionship of strong, like-minded women.  I'm excited.

Well, that's all I have to say for now because I have to go get my daugher.  Ciao!

Five of Pentacles

 

I was going to title this "3 of Swords", but I thought about it and decided that the 5 of Pentacles is a better card to describe what I'm feeling right now.  After it occurred to me, I went to a site to get some third party information to share with you about why I feel so "Five of Pentacles-sy" today.  Here it is:  "General: In general, the 5 of Pentacles points to a feeling of being left out in the cold, as though everyone else in the world has everything and you are the only one that is suffering. Realize that this is not the case. Do the best you can, with what you have, but remember that the wise thing to do, if one needs help, is to go out and ask for it. The help you need will come."

I wouldn't exactly say that everything is going wrong, but I'm in a period of transition.  To quote Tori Amos, "Change waltzes in with her sister Pain".  These are wise words indeed, and I couldn't agree more.  I just feel so left out in the cold right now.  I'll start from the beginning and explain.

At about 3:45 this morning, I heard my sister and her husband talking.  Startled, I checked my phone to see what time it was.  I was sure that I had slept in.  When I realized what time it was, I listened to their conversation to hear what was going on.  I heard her husband ask, "Are you sure you didn't pee yourself?"  I assumed that her water must have broken, even though her due date is two weeks away.  I was right.  Of course I was very excited for them and I thought about her all day.  I know that I haven't been very involved with the goings-on of my family lately, but she took me in and helped me when she didn't have to.  I may not have been around much, but I've been under the same roof as she for the last few days.  I was sure that I'd get an update about the progress of things, sure that they would realize that I would want to know.

I'm going to stop myself here because it sounds like I think the world revolves around me or that all I care about is myself.  This isn't true, and I would never tell her or anyone else in my family how I feel.  Because it ISN'T about me, it's her time, the baby's time, and some things are better left unsaid.  However, this is my blog where I come to express things that I keep inside.  So, here we are.  My phone died at work.  We were asked to work until 7, but I was sure that if the baby hadn't been born yet, it would be soon.  I was sure that the family would be up there and would want me there.  I got my check and cashed it, then rushed straight back to her house so that I could charge my phone.  There were no messages, no phone calls. 

Well, there WAS one text -- from my sister in law, saying she had "plans with friends" tonight and asking if she could just give me my card on the weekend instead of tonight as we had planned on.  I told her that would be fine and asked if my sister had had the baby yet.  I got no answer, so I texted my mom.  Nothing.  I texted my sister but wasn't surprised when she didn't answer.  Frustrated, I texted my sister in law again and asked her to at least have my son call me before bed.  (She never did.)  I started to get the idea that everyone but me was "in the loop", that everyone else was welcome to come share in my sister's joy and that I was somehow unwanted.  I shook it off.  My sister was busy, of course she didn't have time to update me. 

Feeling a bit rejected, I texted N.  Yes, I know it was a bad idea.  I just needed someone to talk to and he DID say he would always be there for me.  Yeah, right.  He didn't text back, so I called.  It went right to voicemail.  I assumed that he was still at work so I gave up.  At a loss, I decided to go buy my sister a gift while I waited for the go-ahead to come see them at the hospital.  I drove all the way to the boutique, only to find it closed.  I decided to kill some time at my friend Fabio's house.  While I was there, I tried again to contact N.  Still nothing.  Finally, at about 7, I got a text from my mom saying that she was leaving the hospital and the baby had been born at 4.  I texted my sister asking if I could come visit and she said to come at 8:30.  I left Fabio's at 7:30, got to the hospital by 8, and was almost to her room when she texted me asking if I could come tomorrow instead as she and the baby were tired.

I get it, I really do.  I know that everyone isn't out to get me and that everyone has many more important things to worry about than how I feel.  I'm sure none of this is intentional.  I had seen my brother leaving the hospital just as I was entering, so it was all starting to get to me.  Dejected, I started heading home.  I had already told N that I wasn't going to contact him anymore and I get it.  Tonight, it was just me, myself, and I.  Oh, and my baby, who I can't even keep.  I have never felt so alone in my life.  I felt like I was going to melt like a sugar cube in the rain.  I choked back tears as I drove home and finally, after 8, got a text from N that he had been working.  It's a lie and I know it, but who am I to demand honesty anymore?  What business is it of mine what he was doing?  Why waste the time and energy to call him out?  What it comes down to is that I wasn't important enough to respond to.  Something else mattered more, and that was okay.  I don't need to matter to anyone right now.

22 Weeks

Break on through to the other side!  I feel like, to steal a simile from Stephen King, I've been trying to fight my way out of a nylon stocking.  I couldn't get out of the negativity and break free of the downward spiral I seemed to be attached to.  The past week has been very hard, but I can already feel big changes germinating beneath the surface and I'm excited.

I'm not just excited, though.  I'm terrified, anxious, lost, sad, mournful, and uncertain.  What else am I going to do, though?  I have to keep moving forward and hope for the best.  There is no more turning back for me.  Maybe I should explain what has happened.

I had worked at the warehouse for three days, and I came home Thursday with incredible body aches.  At first I assumed it had just been my body becoming accustomed to manual labor, but I soon realized that it was more serious than that.  My back was absolutely killing me.  Having experienced kidney infections during my pregnancy with my son, I already had an idea that I had one.  N and I went to the pharmacy to get some Tylenol, where I could barely stand up and even began to cry from the severity of the pain.  He seemed mildly sympathetic, but shrugged it off as being sore from work.  Later that night, I was feverish and pain-stricken.  I couldn't sleep and he tried to insist that I have sex with him anyway!  I couldn't believe it.  Of course, I refused.  He tried to force me to and I became incredibly angry.  I fought back with everything I had, despite my overwhelming pain.  Then he choked me.  Yes, he's choked me before.  This time, though, it was different.  I tried to gasp and discovered that my airway was COMPLETELY blocked.  I couldn't even get a wheeze.  Of course, I began to panic.  I thought he might actually kill me this time.  I felt so terrified and out of control.  He let go, and I told myself I was going to file a police report and leave on Friday.

Friday came and he went to work, but I found that driving was going to be out of the question for me.  I simply laid in misery, waiting for him to get out and take me to the ER.  My sister ended up taking me and I told her what happened, so at the hospital I arranged to be a "confidential patient" and asked to talk to a social worker.

I made an appointment at the YWCA for Monday, and I didn't end up getting released until Sunday night.  So I spent the night at my sister's when I got out, went to my appointment, and got put on the waiting list for the shelter.  No one will tell me or even give me an estimate for how long it will be, but it doesn't matter.  My sister and her husband took me to get my car last night.  I found an adoption agency that will work with me in spite of the fact that N has said he will not consent to the adoption.  My mom gave me the number of someone who takes in pregnant women awaiting adoption.  My life seems fairly chaotic right now, but I feel like a dark cloud has been lifted from above me.  I can BREATHE.  I can think clearly.  I can be myself.  I feel like I just emerged from a restricting cocoon and now I am spreading my radiant wings, preparing to take flight.

Of course, I'm having such a hard time coping with the reality that I am not going to raise my daughter.  I saw a little girl in the parking lot taking unsteady steps while holding her mother's hand, and I cried.  I'm not going to teach my little girl how to walk.  I'm not going to snuggle her at night, nurse her, and inhale the baby shampoo scent of her soft baby hair when I kiss her head.  I felt as if my soul would shatter -- but then I thought, someone WILL do those things for her.  Perhaps better than I could.  Just because I can't snuggle her doesn't mean she won't get snuggled.  Just because I won't be teaching her to walk doesn't mean she won't be taught.  Just because the person raising my daughter in my stead won't have given birth to her doesn't mean she won't love her.

My sister in law, after having heard about the expenses covered for the birth mother by some adoption agencies, made a ridiculous comment about how maybe she should start having kids and putting them up for adoption so she could get this money or housing or whatever.  I know she didn't mean any harm by it; she just doesn't know.  But really?  Do you honestly think you could house a baby in your womb for nine months and give away a piece of you without any qualms just because you got some housing assistance or living expenses paid?  Do you really believe that any amount of money could erase the ache of having to part with a child you created?  Is she really that insensitive or oblivious to the emotional trauma this is?  This is my CHILD!  God forbid she actually has such cold detachment to her own children that the decision would be so simple.

Of course I'd be lying if I said that I don't miss N, but not in a way that makes me think that going back would solve anything.  I just mourn the person who never was.  I think of the things he did when he was pretending to be this loving person, and it breaks my heart.  Not because I want him, but because he wasn't real and I fell for it.  Because I did love him and it's painful to realize that he only faked mutual emotion toward me.  Because I let myself be vulnerable and once again paid the price.  Because I wonder if there's really anybody in the whole world who will ever truly feel the way he pretended to.  Because I doubt real love even exists anymore.  I think one person in a relationship loves, and the other just fakes it.  One person gives everything and it's never enough for the other.  One person gives her heart and the heart of the other can never be captured, at least not by her, but she continues her pathetic vain attempts.  Love isn't the miracle we've been led to believe it is.

21 Weeks

First and foremost, here is the news I waited 20 weeks for -- it's a girl!  N's sister went with me to the ultrasound and she got some really good pictures.  She also made a video, you can see the baby stretching and it's quite adorable.

Since that day, things have become much harder for me mentally.  I have continued to talk to adoption counselors and agencies, but I feel really torn.  Inside, I'm like an emotional teeter totter.  One moment, I'll have an overwhelming sense that my baby belongs with me and I'll be unable to fathom handing that precious bundle over to anyone.  The next moment, I'll be thinking about all the preparation that still needs to be done in the next four months and be confident that adoption is the best choice for this child.  I was reading a book about adoption and cried through the whole thing, resolute that I absolutely could not do it.  Not two nights later, N's four year old daughter woke up in the middle of the night and I was just as convinced that I absolutely could not be waking up to a crying baby multiple times every night.  I keep feeling like with time, the right choice will become clear -- but what if it doesn't?  What if I make the wrong decision?  What if, at 40 weeks pregnant, I'm no closer to being at peace with a final decision?

I went to my son's conferences last night and I can't believe what a vast improvement he has made since last year.  It hurts a lot, because I thought I was doing a pretty good job, but now that he's staying with his aunt and uncle, his behavioral issues have all but disappeared.  Obviously, as painful as it is to recognize, I WAS doing something wrong.  I'm simultaneously so happy that he seems to have been saved from a bleak future and panicked that I will not meet the standard that my brother and his wife are currently setting.  What if he comes back to me and backslides?  What if, despite my best efforts, I am unable to parent the way that they are?  What if they try to take custody?  Right now, they hold all the cards.

I don't know if they really don't know it or if they're pretending not to recognize the position of advantage they have, but it exists.  What really worries me is that due to my brother's job in law enforcement, the latter is the more likely scenario.  What does this mean?  Are they playing dumb to placate me so I'll be blindsided when I find out about a court date?  Even though I am already pretty much expecting them to try to take him (despite their constant claims to the contrary), what benefit is this advance knowledge to me?  He goes to school in their district.  They provide his clothing, his shelter, his toys.  They take him places, including to the doctor and to school.  School records show that since he has lived with them, he has improved.  I wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell against them.  All I can do is keep fighting through the school year to make sure I have a leg to stand on when it's over.  This means taking parenting classes, finding a stable living environment, going to counseling, and getting out of this relationship.  They could argue that I can no longer provide a safe place for him now because of what transpired between N and I in his presence, and how could I argue with that?

Speaking of N, he's in a "sweet phase".  You know -- he's turned (temporarily) back into the man I fell in love with.  I know how this works and I don't expect it to last long.  Do I sound bitter, pessimistic, and cynical?  Of course I am.  You would be too, if you lived the life I've lived.  I wonder if one option would be to attend counseling together.  He has said he's willing.  Would that be sufficient to break the cycle?  Would it be enough to appease the court?  Would he then become capable of maintaining a healthy relationship and respecting my boundaries?  No one can say whether or not he will genuinely change, and that's the tough part.  Sometimes they do; more often they don't.  How much of a risk am I willing to take to be with him?  Am I just trying to rationalize staying because it's more comfortable?  Am I looking for a way to avoid what I fear I can not do?  I am at a standstill.

As far as my life goes, I got placed on my new assignment on Tuesday.  It's supposed to go for two weeks and it's 40 hours each week.  I can't complain, it's fairly easy.  All the standing, bending, and lifting is really killing my feet and my back though!  I expect that the pain will abate once I get accustomed to the job.  All I do is put together cardboard boxes all day until my fingers don't want to bend anymore.  Last night, I even dreamed of putting boxes together!  I tried to make the dream stop because I wanted a break from work while I slept, but my mind kept returning to it.  In pregnancy news, my belly suddenly "popped" and I no longer look like I've just been eating too many snack cakes or downing too many beers.  I definitely look pregnant.  I'm in that awkward phase where my regular pants no longer fit me, but maternity pants keep falling down.  I have gained 14 pounds so far, which is more than what I want at this point but the weight gain calculator online said I'm right on track.  Still, I think it would be wise for me to take it easy on the sweet breads and cookies.  Ahhhh, sugar!  Always my downfall!  This baby will surely be born with a sweet tooth.  

20 Weeks

Ohhhhh my, where do I begin?  I suppose it would help if I remembered where I left off.  At any rate, I'll fill you in on the most recent developments.

I quit the market research company because I got a call from the temp agency offering me a job that paid $10 an hour and got 40+ hours a week.  It was really what I've been looking for this whole time -- a single mother paying child support can't survive on a minimum wage or part-time paycheck.  I know because I've been trying since April.  The problem with the market research company was that the hours were not guaranteed -- I'd be scheduled for 35 hours in a week, but if I didn't have a completed survey by 8:00, I would often get sent home.  Sometimes everyone would get sent home early due to low production.  I also heard that there were periods of time for up to a couple weeks that there would be no work.

So, I went to the factory job I was assigned to with a winning attitude, ready to work.  I was scheduled to work from noon until 8, but things were very busy and I was given the option to work until 10:30 which I accepted.  It wasn't hard at all, but it did involve a considerable amount of bending and lifting.  Another girl I was working with was talking about her pregnancy, and I told her that I was also pregnant.  She is 23 weeks along.  A few hours later, my supervisor approached me and informed me that there had been a "miscommunication" and they couldn't take me because it would take 2 months to train me, shortly after which time I'd have to be on maternity leave.  He told me I was welcome to come back after I had the baby. 

This happened on Monday.  I called the temp agency and was told that I would be given a new assignment, but on Tuesday they requested that my doctor fax a note stating that I could work with no accommodations.  I found out yesterday that my fax was received and today they called to offer me another factory position, 7 am to 3 pm, starting on Tuesday.  This one is only $9 an hour, but it's still more than I was making.  Why do things have to be so damn HARD sometimes?  Why wasn't the other girl fired?  It was suggested that race was an issue, as she is black and I'm white.  Someone suggested that I get a public defender and sue for harassment, but why?  It's a temp job, and right in the paperwork it's stated that you can be fired for any reason or no reason at all.  Besides, I don't have the time or money to sue anyone.  I completely dropped the ball on my disability case, but I've had more important things to worry about.

Let's see, in pregnancy news...I have been getting a lot of foot and leg cramps, which I had with my daughter but not my son.  Of course I'm still hungry all the time, which also happened with my daughter.  I am at the point where I get up at least twice in the middle of the night to pee, which is annoying to say the least.  And they want me to drink more water?  Any more peeing, and I might as well just camp out in the bathroom.  Some people claim that pregnancy gives a woman a heightened intuition or sixth sense.  Mine has always been eerily strong, but I do feel more connected to the universe.  I am more in tune and I have been having very vivid dreams.

In relationship news...*sigh*.  I have been diligently plodding along, exhausting every option available to me which may be able to help me get out.  Homeless Assessment Program (HAP) said they'd try to place me in a shelter, but every morning that I call the girl in charge of that, she calls me back advising me that the shelter is full.  YWCA is full.  Safe Haven informed me that they have a waiting list, and when I DO make it off the waiting list, I can only stay for a week or two.  That isn't long enough for me to save up the money I need to move.  They referred me back to HAP.  :)  My social worker suggested I apply for SER through DHS (State Emergency Relief, Department of Human Services) so I called my caseworker to inquire about that and have not heard back.  Apparently, they can assist you with the first month's rent and deposit if you find affordable housing.  I also contacted a shelter in Allegan via email, but I have not heard back.  Allegan is a long drive from here, though.  I don't really know what else to do now. 

Despite the pregnancy, this hopeless feeling of being trapped is wearing me thin.  I have felt suicidal at times, at other times just hopeless and numb.  I don't feel like doing anything, and I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  I want to give up, but I know I can't.  The thing is, if I stay, how can I have my kids?  I am trying to put them first, but it's too cold to live in my car and I have nowhere else to go. 

Speaking of children, I've been thinking a lot about this adoption thing.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm going to be totally honest -- I don't want to give my baby up.  I ask myself, though, if I can give this baby the life it deserves and I can't say that I feel confident about that.  My other two really need me, and if I've screwed things up so badly with them, what makes me think that I can do better with this one?  Part of me almost feels like keeping the baby as a way to redeem myself for my mistakes with the other two.  Kind of like getting a "re-do" -- to try again and do it right this time.  I feel like that is where N's head is at, too -- his three year old son lives in another state and is not part of his life.  I think he believes that having another child, particularly a boy, will replace him and fill the void.  I know it won't.  By the same token, raising another child won't magically heal the hurt that the other two have suffered.  It won't fix the mistakes I've already made, and I feel like if I'm going to have a positive impact on the lives of my children, I need to devote myself wholly to them.  Having another baby right now might make things worse for them.

I want to know, though -- how do you just hand over your own flesh and blood?  How do you give away your own child without letting it destroy you?  How do you heal from walking away from the one who was made to depend on you for survival?  It feels like betrayal, like abandonment.  It feels cruel and heartless.  I know that I am not those things, and I already suffer a tremendous amount with temporarily letting my son stay with my brother and his wife.  My heart hurts so incredibly bad, and I cry all the time.  I miss him so much.  Don't get me wrong, I miss my daughter as well -- but I don't feel like being away from me really hurts her.  She is very independent, very attached to her daddy, and not at all sad when she is away from me.  She says she loves me and I believe, in her detached autistic way, that she does as much as she is capable.  However, she could go the rest of her life without seeing me and I believe the only one who would hurt would be me.  Sometimes I wish I could be like her.

8 of Swords

Yesterday, I had my first chaider of the season.  It was delicious!  In case you don't know, chaider is chai tea and apple cider mixed together.  It's autumn in a steaming, spicy cup!  Believe it or not, Biggby coffee had never heard of it before.  I guess it's more of a local coffee shop thing, something the chains haven't caught onto.  Who knows?  Maybe next year it'll be on Biggby's fall menu.  :)

My son had a bad day at school today.  I was concerned about this because of what happened.  After he saw N drag me out of the bedroom by my hair Saturday morning, he was showing his butt out on the porch.  For some reason, when he acts out it's often with inappropriate touching or showing body parts.  This distresses me because this day and age, even a six year old can get charged with sexual harassment.  The kid needs counseling.  Anyway, my sister in law texted me today and apparently he had his weenie out at school.  He's meeting with the social worker right now.  I told her this hasn't happened since last year -- right after he saw the exchange between my ex-husband and I.  Eventually the inappropriate behaviors tapered off, and I'm very discouraged that he's doing it again.

I know what you're thinking.  Yes, my ex-husband has a domestic assault charge against me.  Before him, my son's father got one.  No, I'm not just frivolously pressing charges -- somehow, I really keep ending up with these guys, or in these situations, over and over again.  WHY?  I didn't call the police on either of the last two.  With my son's dad, my nose was broken so I went to the med center and they called the police on my behalf.  I told them I didn't want to press charges, but apparently Michigan is a zero tolerance state for domestic abuse so they did it anyway. With my ex-husband, the next serious relationship, a neighbor heard me screaming and called the police.  Now how funny is that, in both cases I had slapped him first and didn't believe either of them deserved to go to jail.  I started it, right?  I provoked them.  Yet they were taken away.  Now, I am CHOKED for NO REASON, and no one will do anything because I bit him in self-defense.  What the hell?  Life is funny sometimes.

My heartburn has returned, but I'm not surprised.  I eat when I'm under stress and I've been putting away the groceries lately.  At least I've made the connection -- eat too much, get heartburn.  Eat less, it goes away.  Now if only I could find the discipline to eat less.  The baby has been moving around a lot more, or at least I can feel it more.  It is starting to kick pretty hard, too.  I have to reschedule my ultrasound because I'll be working on Tuesday.  I'm also going to contact the Salvation Army's prenatal clinic about this support group they have called Circle of Care.  I still haven't honestly decided whether or not I'm going to keep the baby -- one day I'll be convinced that adoption is the best choice, and other days I can't see myself giving up my baby.  I hope I can find some discernment on the matter soon.  They have a meditation group at the Zen Center, it sure wouldn't hurt to join.

The only thing that makes me sad about leaving him is his family.  His sister is really cool and we've been getting closer over the last few days.  She's even taught me how to cook a few Mexican dishes, and I'm really proud of myself for catching on.  However, she does love her brother and is 100% convinced that he only does what he does because I push him.  Well, with his sister validating his desire to place the blame elsewhere, how is he going to accept responsibility for HIS choices?  He doesn't need her help to find a scapegoat.  It's just going to make it that much harder for him to realize that he is responsible for his own actions and his mistakes are no one's fault but his own.

The Star

Do you know anyone who is bipolar?  Are you, perhaps, bipolar yourself?  After dealing with this for so many years, I've become very attuned to the signals from my body that I am entering into a depressive or manic phase.  Often, this gives me a couple of days to get control of the situation before it overtakes me.  Okay, who am I kidding -- it still overtakes me, but this way I can at least plan for it better.  It's like knowing a storm is coming -- I can gather up all my batteries, stock up on water and canned goods, and hole up in the basement until it passes.  It works out much better than being caught unawares walking about in the street or sitting under a tree, you see?

Anyway, the reason I mention this is that I am most definitely having a manic episode right now.  What do I do?  I'm supposed to be on Lithium and Risperdal, but I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant.  I don't want to harm the baby.  I've sensed this approaching over the past few days -- I've been talking more, faster, unable to keep from interrupting, mind racing with thoughts that I can't keep track of, making lists, can't sleep, extra motivation -- I've been a go go go-getter!  In some ways, this is just what I need right now.  It's kind of a blessing, because I got my butt in gear and got organized and handled my business.  I made a list of things I had to do and systematically crossed them all off.  When I encountered a roadblock, I devised a detour.  I have a can-do attitude, and without it, I'd be telling a much different story. 

I called the Homeless Assessment thing, as you know.  I met with them the following morning with a signed letter from my brother stating that I couldn't stay at his house.  They told me to call the next day for shelter placement.  After I left, I called the YWCA to see if they could put me in THEIR DV shelter.  They had a waiting list.  Today, I returned a call from my social worker from the health department (I'm part of this maternal infant health program thing that my doctor referred me to) and she gave me some other leads.  I called one, Safe Haven, and although they have a waiting list also, they seemed much more willing to help me than the YWCA did.  I have an appointment with them on Monday morning.  That reminds me, I also have an appointment with my social worker on Monday morning which I should probably reschedule.  Anyway. 

I got a call from one of the temp agencies and they offered me a full time second shift job which pays $2 more per hour than I make now!  I start Monday!  I texted Rachel and gave her the news, and she suggested that I stay with my grandparents this weekend.  The family will be up there, since my sister is having her baby shower and it is now the beginning of bow hunting season.  I called my caseworker at DHS and updated her on all of the changes.  Well, that's going to be a pain in my ass -- she needs the market research company, the dry cleaner, AND the porn shop to fill out papers saying that I don't work there anymore.  She needs the temp agency to fill one out saying I DO work there now.  Ayyyyy!  The good news is, they can fax that stuff to her. 

Okay, so here's the interesting part.  Everything seems to be falling in place now, right?  Isn't it funny that my luck was so bad for so long, and now it's finally turning around?  I don't think it's a coincidence.  I don't believe in coincidences.  Let's say life is a road, okay?  When you get off track, let's say you veer onto the shoulder, you hit the rumble strips.  Loud noises which alert you that you are not going the right way.  If you try to enter onto an exit ramp, you will see brightly colored signs -- DO NOT ENTER, WRONG WAY, etc.  Signals to alert you that you are not going the way you are supposed to go.  Life, I believe, is much the same way.  If we pay attention to signals from the universe, we will see that we are being given guidance -- road signs, if you will.  When a lot of things seem to go bad, this is often a signal that we are not on the right path.  These are the flashing lights from the universe, trying to tell us -- WRONG WAY!!!  When our "luck" seems to return, it is often because we have now aligned ourselves with the path we are supposed to be on.

Other signals from the universe can be in the forms of animals, insects, and other living things.  There are also "synchronicities" -- those uncanny coincidences that seem so bizarre, they make you stop and say, "What???".  This is the universe telling you to pay attention, something important is going on here.  Since the day I met Rachel at the park to discuss Tristan going with them for the school year, I have noticed a lot of insects being drawn to me that I don't see often, especially not within days of one another.  I saw a praying mantis, a dragonfly, and a butterfly all in the same five minutes.  The next day, I saw a grasshopper who just seemed to appear out of nowhere and land on my windshield as I was driving.  I saw a frog the day after that.  What do these all symbolize?  Change!  I paid attention, and prepared for big changes to come.  I was not disappointed.

After the devastating fall from the tower, the next card which I would say wraps up my current state of mind is The Star.  This is, above all things, hope.  Finding love and beauty after the loss of such.  Arising from the rubble to see a shining ray of hope, finding a reason to smile and go on after sorrow.  This is a positive, optimistic, beautiful card of wonderful possibilities which await.

The Tower

Here's the funny thing.  The first night that Noe came over, I did a tarot reading while I awaited his arrival.  Although it contained some promising cards, such as the two of cups (what better card could one ask for in a relationship reading, besides The Lovers???), in the outcome position stood The Tower.  Convinced that I had made some mistake, I reshuffled and dealt again.  The Tower was still there.  Frustrated, I tried to twist my interpretation so that I could see the card in a favorable light.  Let's see...The Tower shows someone falling from the top of a crumbling, flaming structure.  Falling. Falling in love?  Hahahaha.  See how we can delude ourselves.

Well, here I am, amidst this pile of rubble that was once the relationship I built with N. It crumbled to the ground, sending me falling in terror back down to the ground where I must start building all over again.  What will I build?  A new life?  Another relationship?  It's time to pick up the broken pieces, heal from the disaster, and make something stronger.

I'm very scared, I'm not going to lie.  In less than 15 minutes, I will be at the Homeless Assessment Center where they will be getting me into a shelter.  I'm starting over, off into the great unknown.  I feel also like The Fool.  Of course I keep asking myself if I'm sure, if I can't maybe give it just one more try.  He keeps telling me he'll change, he'll never hurt me again.  The thing is, I heard it before.  He cheated on me and said he wouldn't fuck up again.  Then I found out he was sleeping in the same bed as his wife.  He said he wouldn't hurt me again.  Then I found conversations he was having with other girls on Yahoo Chat while I was at work.  Guess what?  He said he'd never do it again.  Guess what?  I don't fucking believe him!!!!!

Here's the worst part.  I think part of what kept me in this relationship for so long was some aspect of competition.  Sick, isn't it?  She still wanted him, and I had him.  But then he slept with her, and then he was living with her, so I constantly felt like I had to compete.  That I had to WIN.  That she had to know that I was number one.  WHAT?  I don't WANT to be "number one".  I want to be the ONLY ONE!!!  I was laughing at her because he left her and moved in with me, but guess who's laughing now?  I thought I won, but what did I really win?  A booby prize, junk that no one wants anyway.  I guess the joke is on me.

But wait, here's the best part.  When I broke up with him, he said he was going to talk to her about getting back together "for the girls".  Really?  So what have I really had with him for the past ten months?  He never gave me all of him, he never let go of her, he never committed completely to me.  Not like I did to him.  I don't have a backup plan.  Either he loved her the whole time he was with me, which was an insult to me, or he doesn't love her and he's going to be with her anyway.  How cruel!  SHE loves HIM.  Why deny her the opportunity to be with someone who will TRULY love her just because you're selfish and helpless and can't take care of yourself?  It's not what's best for your daughters...what kind of message do you think you're sending about the kind of treatment they should expect from men when they are of age to date?

***RANT OVER***

19 Weeks

Wow.  I think I jinxed myself.  On Friday, I just wrote about how things have to change.  Then, on Saturday...they did. 

I had my kids for the weekend.  N and I decided to take them to Art Prize on Saturday.  Tensions were already pretty high -- I picked him up from work after the last entry and questioned him about a McDonald's receipt I had found in my car.  On it were three McChickens, 5 McDoubles, 4 four piece nuggets, 2 large fries, and 2 large cokes.  Supposedly, he had only taken his two daughters (4 and 7) with him.  It appeared to me that someone else had accompanied him.  Of course I was angry, considering that if he had, he had used my car to take some other girl to McDonald's.  (Probably his wife).  Anyway, he denied it and I couldn't really prove it, but negative vibes were flowing everywhere. 

I had asked him a few days prior if he could babysit for me on Saturday while I worked, and he had agreed.  We got home and he stayed in the bedroom, not talking to me, playing on Facebook for hours and hours.  He barely had two words to say to me, yet he managed to find all the time in the world for people on Facebook.  That wasn't the first time it happened, either -- his phone had become more of a girlfriend to him by that point than I had, and I was tired of it.  He came into the kitchen to make coffee at about six or seven at night, casually mentioned that he had to work the next day so he didn't know what I was going to do about a sitter, and went back to the bedroom.  More arguing ensued and finally I decided I'd just call in to work.  He came to bed calling me names, saying that I was a ho that was only good for being degraded, telling me he wanted a girl who hadn't been with the whole town, and insulting me in other ways.  He forced himself sexually on me and ended the evening by saying he didn't love me anymore.  Then, when he woke up, he demanded that I get him lunch ready for work.  I told him I wasn't going to take orders from someone who would disrespect me and he could get his own damn lunch.  He dragged me to the kitchen by my hair, and I went back to the bedroom.  He turned on the light and woke up my son, which pissed me off.  (It was only about 6 AM on a Saturday morning).  He insulted me and disrespected me in front of my son.  He dragged me to the kitchen by my hair AGAIN, but I stood firm and refused to make him lunch.  Who the HELL does he think he is????

Anyway, he ended up apologizing and I made up my mind that I was going to leave him on Monday.  I had my kids, though, and I wanted  to spend the weekend with them.  So I decided to make the best of it and play nice until then.  What a mistake THAT was!  Fast forward to Art Prize...we're walking around downtown, and he is taking great pains to make sure he is not standing too close to us.  He keeps walking ahead of us, on the other side of exhibits from us, doing whatever he has to do make it look like he isn't with us.  I started getting frustrated, but I bit my tongue. 

Then we went to an exhibit by his friend Kat, whom I know he has a thing for.  I told myself that if he stood by my side the whole time and acted like he was proud to be with me in front of her, I'd let the rest of it all go.  At first, things went well.  He said, "Okay, let's go" and we stood up to leave the temple.  Kat greeted everyone on their way out.  I thought he was right behind us because he had been sitting next to me, but when I turned around, he was about four people behind me.  I let my irritation get the best of me and questioned him about his shady behavior.  He started speed walking back to the car.  I had no idea where I was parked, so I depended on him to lead me back.  I had two children in tow and he wasn't stopping or slowing down for us.  By the time we reached my car, pissed off and out of breath, I was fuming.  I have no sense of direction, so I started driving aimlessly.  I didn't know the way back home. 

Soon he was telling me how stupid I was and how much of an idiot I was because I couldn't find my way back.  He proceeded to berate and insult me for two hours, just cruelly cutting me down and laughing at me.  I shouldn't have let it bother me because I know I AM an intelligent person, but I let him get under my skin.  As the night went on, he continued poking me, tickling me, touching me -- anything to irritate me.  I ended up biting him because he was pissing me off so bad, but he continued.  I decided to leave and go to my sister's, so he choked me (I was lying on the floor next to my son at this point) then grabbed me by the hair and threw me on top of my daughter.  Finally, he took off with my car so I called my brother (who is a police officer) to find out how to report it stolen.  Well, karma can be a bitch...by the time my brother showed up, the police showed up as well.  None of us had called them -- he had been pulled over because my plates are expired.  I told the cop what happened, but because I had bit him, it didn't matter.  Honestly!!!  He fucking CHOKED me and THREW ME BY MY HAIR on TOP OF MY DAUGHTER!!!  Not to mention, all of THAT was unprovoked.  I was only trying to sleep.  When I had bit him, he had been holding me down, tickling me, poking me, grabbing me...I'm not saying it was justified, but it was PROVOKED.  What the FUCK? 

Anyway, he went to jail for driving without a license and his sister bailed him out.  I went to my brother's for the night and his wife brought me back to my car the next morning.  Well, I had nowhere to stay because the homeless assessment thing is not open on Sundays, so I was going to sleep in my car.  I brought N his hard hat and he sucked me back in for a minute, but I keep thinking of my son and how I have to give him the best life I can.  He shouldn't have seen that, and N won't change.  I'm not happy with him and I never will be.  He isn't faithful and he won't ever be.  He isn't honest and he won't ever be that either.  Can I accept a mean lying cheater?  Will I sacrifice my loving, precious little boy for him?  Like hell.

I'm going to the women's shelter tomorrow.  Wish me luck.