I can't remember all the times I've tried to tell myself to hold on, to these moments as they pass...

Man.  I shouldn't even be writing about this amazing weekend right now, since I'm doomy and gloomy and flat and gray and blahhhhhhhhhhh.  I was on top of the WORLD for a few days.  I got so excited, like maybe I'm going to stay like this.  I had unshakable optimism.  I could move MOUNTAINS.  It would be life-changing if I felt that way all the time.

But today, blahhhhhhhh.  I know it's because of the rain.  It sucks that the weather has such a significant impact on me.  I feel so weak and helpless.  Hey!  So I just remembered  the ear thing!  It helped a little.  I wish I had the energy to explain what I'm talking about right now.  Whyyyyyyy does the rainnnnnnnnnnn suck the liiiiiiiiiiife out of meeeeeeeee.  ???

Anyway this weekend was GREAT.  I got to put into practice my new outlook on relationships and all the advice I took to heart from one silly little book.  But, honestly, I did better.  My mantra over the past few days any time I start to get anxious over some stupid little thing has been, "Just worry about your half.  Just take care of your half.  All you need to control is your own half."  Because, in the book he says you can't control the other half of any relationship.  All you can do is worry about your own half.  Make sure your half is good.  Don't try to manipulate, control, stress out about, or predict the other half.  Just do your own part.  It's such a liberating feeling.  

When I take an action, or say something, no longer do I feel like I'm playing a game.  Trying to speak or act in the necessary way to elicit the desired response.  This is not to say that I'm manipulative; I'm not.  I just truly honestly felt like with relationships, it was all so much a game, if "x" then "y" and if you could only figure out the formula for the specific behaviors necessary in order to create happiness in your relationship, you'd be successful.  It isn't so, though.  Not only that, but it isn't about MAKING them love you.  MAKING them stay.  Another important point made in the book is that what makes you happy is the love coming OUT of YOU.  

He says your heart is a magical kitchen, and you have so much food (love) that you can share it with everyone and you'll never run out.  And you'll never go hungry and you'll always have enough.  But if you don't realize that your heart is a magical kitchen, if someone shows up with a pizza and says you can have some if you'll do what they want, you do.  But then you get dependent on  this person's pizza.  And you worry that they will give it to someone else.  And you DEPEND on this person bringing you pizza, and fear what will happen if they stop.  

So, if I just love, and I do my half to the very best of my ability -- just BEING love, and letting my actions be guided by love -- well the rest will sort itself out.  I don't need to waste the time and the energy trying to determine whether or not someone deserves to be loved.  Or if they should be punished for behaving a certain way toward me.  Or if, according to the game we're playing, I need to pretend I feel a certain way in order to "keep them interested".  Or put some imaginary space between us so they'll miss me and not leave.  Or do something to make them jealous so they'll get possessive and cling harder to me.  These are not healthy behaviors.  That is not love.

This IS.  It's worth doing everything in my power to be something I've never been before, to master new skills, to venture into unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory, to be vulnerable, and to just genuinely and purely love with no conditions or expectations.  So anyway, I really felt that shift happening.  And this weekend was lovely.  The "Seether" tried to come up a few times, oh you have no idea how many stupid triggers I have, but I just took a minute to talk to her.  To reason with her, to explain to her, and to actually try to understand where she was coming from.  What did I fear.  What was I trying to protect myself from.  What was I tempted to lash out at.  It still took me a good 1-2 minutes, but I think with practice I'll be faster.  It's like disabling a bomb.

So, today I sucked at yoga.  I really really REALLY needed it, because I took off Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night.  Plus, I felt so gloomy today.  I thought yoga would make me feel better -- it usually does.  But today it made me feel even worse.  I was so awesome last week!  This week, I couldn't focus.  I kept falling.  I was clumsy.  I was sloppy.  Things just wouldn't happen right.  I felt the whole time like I just couldn't click into the groove.  It made me feel pretty disappointed.  Then, after the amazing awesome bound lotus that I thought was the cure for all my emotional ailments, I was even WORSE.

I was crying on my mat, and it wasn't release either.  It was like all this crap got dredged up and decided to hang around.  Like, it was buried, and it surfaced, but it won't go.  Now it's hanging around me like a gloomy depressing cloud.  Ugh.  

Well, today's kombucha is Gingerberry.  It's pretty good.  Maybe yoga went so badly because I ate first.  Maybe I won't do that anymore.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.  I'm not going to try to write about happy stuff right now, just checking in for mood purposes.  I'll try to tell you about it tomorrow.

Tapas -- Discipline

Ahhhhh, I just got done with yoga.  Three days in a row, and three days in a row blogging -- oh, my energy levels are up!  I suppose for mood tracking purposes, I should check in.  Um duh.  If I'm blogging at all, chances are I'm in high spirits.  I try to force myself to blog when I'm in a low, too, just for the sake of comparison.  As I'm sure you can imagine, that can be a bit hard to do.

I am eating a bowl of steamed veggies with Himalayan pink salt.  When I am disciplined with yoga, everything else follows.  "Do your practice, and all is coming" as Pattabhi Jois said.  He also said, "No coffee, no prana".  Haha, no wonder I like Ashtanga so much.  I really like this guy.  :)  But anyway, it's true.  If I just take that time to get on the mat every day, all other areas of life fall into place.  Everything comes.

For some people, yoga is exercise.  Yoga is sometimes.  Yoga is maybe.  For me, it's different.  Yoga is Lithium.  Yoga is Risperdal. Yoga is Xanax.  Yoga is Prozac.  Yoga is the only reason my medications remain untouched on the shelf.  I have a choice.  Stay dedicated, or pop pills.  Skipping days is not a luxury I can afford.

I have built that fire, created that tapas.  Tapas is the fire that burns away the impurities.  I see this two ways.  Building physical heat during the flow burns away impurities such as stress, negative emotions, aches and pains, doubt, anger, etc.  But tapas is also that self-discipline, that commitment to show up every day.  Even the days that you don't want to.  Ignoring the voice that wants to sit on the couch and eat chocolate.  Overpowering the urge to watch movies and go to bed early.  Finding somewhere in you the strength to get out of the fuzzy flannel PJ's and drag your own ass, willing or not, onto the mat.  

Sadhana Pada, Sutra 43 in Patanjalis Yoga Sutras: 

(Sanskrit) kaya indriya siddhih asuddhiksayat tapasah

(English translation) Self discipline (tapas) burns away impurities and kindles the spark of divinity.

So, yoga makes me happy.  Also, reading makes me happy.  I just finished reading this book called The Mastery of Love.  Oh my goodness, it is amazing.  It's life-changing, just like The Way of the Peaceful Warrior was.  I must be going through a major upgrade right now, because I've been learning so much.  I am so thankful these books have made their way into my life.  I feel like I'm a better person every day.

I tend to think, at my age, that if something were important I'd have heard about it by now.  Or that I've considered every possible approach to relationships.  I mean, most dating books say the same stuff.  It sounds good, it's impractical, it's the same basic advice over and over again and while it makes sense...reading those books never really changes you.  This book was different.  It affected me on a fundamental level.  It changed the way I view relationships and I feel so much more healthy after reading it.  I really think I can do this.  I really think I can have a successful relationship.  I really believe I am capable of loving and being loved in a healthy way.  I am SO EXCITED!!!

His birthday is this weekend, I think I mentioned that already.  Usually I suck at giving gifts, but I think I figured out a pretty good one.  I'm quite happy with it.  I'm also making him an organic cake that sounds freaking DELICIOUS.  He loves coconut sugar, and it has coconut sugar in it.  And raw honey, bananas, milk, eggs, applesauce, cinnamon.  With a cream cheese/honey/vanilla frosting.  I can't wait to make it!  I'm going to do it tomorrow night while Jewel's here.  Maybe she'll help me.  I think I'll reiki bless it, too.  AND I wrote him a poem today.  I really really really want to send it to him NOW but it must wait.  It turned out pretty alright, if I do say so myself.  :)

Things are really weird at work.  I had a phone interview from Farmers and I have not heard back one way or another yet.  I guess it's not looking promising because I was supposed to get a phone call within 2 weeks and it's been almost 3.  However, if I didn't get it, I was supposed to get an email and I haven't received that either.  Whatever will be, will be.  I'm not worried but in the meantime at Charter I have been placed on a verbal.  It's not a huge deal, I just can't mess up AT ALL.  The first occurrence to roll off won't happen until March, so in the meantime there can be NO lateness, NO missing days unless I have sick time.  Period.

But it's not only that.  My supervisor doesn't reply to my emails anymore, which is weird.  I got a new shift which is supposed to start the end of December, but it hasn't been loaded into my schedule yet and I'm trying to request a few hours off on New Year's Eve otherwise I'll be working until midnight, which is a drag.  I was there until 2 AM last year, so whatevs, but I'd like to not be at work when the ball drops again.  I emailed her to see if she could let me know when my schedule would be updated, no response.  I feel uneasy.  I feel like they're getting ready to give me the boot. 

Which is FINE.  I hate my job with a burning passion.  But I need something else figured out FIRST.  Ohhhhhh fervent prayers to divinity that everything will work out to support the highest good and my divine purpose in line with my heart's passion.  It is.  So it will be.  Aho.

Baddha Padmasana -- Release

Today was just one of those days.  You seem to be going along, day after day without making any progress.  Then, every so often, you hit THAT day.  The day you can stretch just an inch more, twist 2 degrees further.  On those days, I push my limits.  I go for the gusto.  So, today was that day.  I am optimistic, exuberant, motivated, and happy.  I decided to make my yoga routine a dance, flowing seamlessly from pose to pose, not stopping to examine my toenails, not dawdling between vinyasas, just uninterrupted breath and movement.  

I discovered something today.  Of course, everything we realize in yoga pertains to life.  As Joth always tells me, and I have found to be true -- there is no such thing is metaphor.  I do my worst when I overthink the pose.  When I spend too much time preparing, worrying about alignment, trying to get into the perfect position before going into it.  I always screw it up when I do that.  Today I just flowed into each pose with confidence, without hesitation, with nothing but trust -- not stopping to think about it first.  You think all that THINKING will make you better.  It doesn't.  You think all  that prior preparation will be an advantage.  It isn't.  Your body knows what to do -- it's your mind that gets in the way.  Nothing good ever comes of worrying about the pose before it happens.  Tonight, I didn't, and I was a rock star.

Plus, I ditched the self-doubt when it came to headstand and lotus.  Those are poses that I only attempt sometimes, but only when I'm feeling strong, and I don't ever expect success.  I decided to push myself just a little bit further, and I was amazed.  In the closing sequence is bound lotus pose for ten breaths.  Up until tonight, I have sat in half lotus for that part, wrapping my right arm around and grabbing my right foot, and wrapping my left arm and resting it on my waist.  Tonight I said, what the hell, I'm going to sit in full lotus.  Bound.  For the full ten breaths.  

I hear a lot of talk about emotional release in pigeon.  Before I started Ashtanga yoga, I had tried pigeon a few times, and it was never my strong suit.  If I were to try it now, perhaps it would be a different story, but I've been doing strictly Ashtanga (half primary) since April.  Anyway, I imagine what happened tonight is a similar thing.  In fact, I know it is, because I googled it.  (Gotta love Google)  With my third eye to the floor, eyes closed, breathing in and out...it was dark...it seemed to last a long time...I went through an array of emotions.

At first, there was fear.  A sense of discomfort and panic.  After 2 or 3 breaths, trust entered the equation.  I noticed I was tensing all my muscles.  For the next few breaths, I worked on slowly, timidly releasing my hips.  And my ankles.  Settling into the pose.  There was a little fear too, but growing confidence.  When my muscles were fully relaxed, there was a feeling of amazement.  Euphoria, almost -- but coupled with terror.  It was the exhilaration of standing on a tightrope between twenty story buildings.  I was flooded with emotion.  I felt like crying.  I can't explain it, but it was something very new for me with yoga.  I feel like it was important.  I feel like something good happened.

A full moon is coming on Saturday!  Full moon in GEMINI, at that...and Joth's birthday is Sunday!  Happy, happy times.  The kombucha I am drinking tonight is grape and it has chia seeds floating in it.  It's my favorite one so far, I think.  Except I'm not sure whether I want to chew the chia seeds or swallow them.  I'm pretty sure I'm ramping up to a hypomanic episode, except I wouldn't really call it an episode.  It's more moon-related.  High energy, good spirits, motivation.  Hell, since when is THAT symptomatic of mental disease?  Shit, this is nothing but good for me.  :)

We were totally going to adopt a kitty.  We still are, but maybe not the one we thought we were getting.  Shyloh was telling us about a cat named Yinyang who needed a home.  Joth and I looked at each other, but we were totally thinking the same thing.  Well, DUH.  It must have been fate.  :)  So, I got kitty food, and a litter box, and a litter scooper, kitty claw file and clippers, and a cat carrier.  Then, Shyloh told me that her friend Ema wants to keep Yinyang now and get rid of a DIFFERENT kitten.  I still want a kitty.  But...I REALLY wanted Yinyang.  I've been searching shelters and stuff online and I found one named Karma, one named Tarot, one named Ouija, and one named Magic.  But then I thought, well if I'm going to adopt a kitty, why  don't I just take Lily and give her a different name?  She needs a home still anyway.  

Oh!  Last thing.  Tristan's been having really bad behavioral issues at school.  Also, at home. I'm not sure what's going on with him and I felt pretty helpless.  He won't listen, he willfully disobeys me, he even got in school suspension at school for fighting AND got kicked off the bus for fighting!  Joth had made a suggestion that for every day the kids clean their room, they could earn a dollar, and we can put it on a calendar so they can keep track of how many dollars they have earned.  And they can each make an Amazon wish list to keep goals in mind for whatever they were saving their dollars for.

Well, yesterday when Tristan was here I decided to make a list of just 5 rules he has to follow every day.  Each day that he follows those rules -- at school, at Blair and Rachel's, here, or anywhere -- he earns his dollar.  Well it turned out, he had a good day today!  And, he told Rachel about the reward system and said it will be easy to be good now.  Ohhhhh I am so happy!  Surely, he'll still have bad days, but hopefully knowing that all is NOT lost even if he has one bad day will help him more easily get back on the horse and get back to good behavior and earning dollars.  Here's hoping!

Cognitive Dissonance

I typically refer to cognitive dissonance when I am discussing abusive relationships or religion.  Which, when you think about it, are really quite the same thing...aren't they?  Both seeking to control through manipulation.  Hmmm.  

But anyway, I bring it up today for an entirely different purpose.  It suddenly struck me on the yoga mat tonight that this is exactly what I'm dealing with, even in the midst of all of my wildest dreams coming true!  Allow me to elaborate.

If you know me at all, you probably consider me to be weird.  Not in a bad way, but believing in all kinds of strange and unorthodox things.  Eccentric.  Unusual.  I consider myself open-minded.  Very.  And...how do I explain this...I am, but I'm actually NOT.  I didn't realize this until now.  I say I believe in telepathy, telekinesis, past lives, reiki -- for goddess' sake, I spent $500 to get my reiki master attunement!  WHY would I spend that kind of money on something I don't ACTUALLY believe in???  Why do I spend time reading spiritual texts, meditating, doing reiki self healing, chanting, setting up crystal grids...?  Why would I waste my time if I didn't believe it?

Maybe I have been fervently trying to CONVINCE myself.  Maybe I really WANTED to believe, but couldn't.  Not really.  If I really had believed, I wouldn't be as shaken as I am right now.  I honestly feel on the brink of insanity.  Oh, I'm so dramatic!  But everything I thought I knew about the world is being called into question.  Sure, it was cute at first, and while very coincidental...I could handle all the 1:11, 11:11, 1:23, 3:33, 3:11, etc.  I kept seeing all the time.  You can convince yourself that you're just being silly, and that it's pretty cool, but it doesn't actually mean anything.  Or, it doesn't have to.  You can talk yourself out of it.  It's safe.

Even when Joth and I completely melted into one person...I couldn't sense the boundaries of my existence anymore, I couldn't tell where I ended and he began.  In that moment, we were both nothing but energy, inseparable.  But still, I told myself that brain chemicals can do some crazy things.  I mean, look at drugs, after all.  If you take acid, it can make your brain think your fingers are growing or that leprechauns are dancing on the wall.  Trick of the mind.

Why do I keep trying to talk myself out of this stuff?  I haven't really figured it out yet.  For someone who wants so badly to believe in magic, and who has lived a life built AROUND magic, why wouldn't I be rejoicing at the Universe's validation of those beliefs?  I honestly have no clue.  Maybe it's fear?  If this is real, what else could be real?  If there are no rules, what could happen?  I don't even know.

But anyway, today we went out for breakfast.  We were chatting, having coffee, enjoying one another's company.  I jokingly said, hey, what color am I thinking of?  Now, keep in mind that my two favorite colors are purple and green.  And he knows this.  There was nothing blue in sight, it was a spur of the moment question.  He answered quickly, confidently, without hesitation.  Blue.  I freaked out, but hey, it could be a lucky guess, right?  So I said, what number am I thinking of?  Instantly, without missing a beat, 3.  Now I am writing this here because how does he know I was telling the truth when I said he guessed it right?  Maybe he thought I was pretending or trying to make him feel better.  I wish I had written those things down.  I just didn't really expect him to guess them.

So, that blew my mind, but now that I'm thinking about it more...it's actually a little unsettling.  How?  How did he know?  How could he possibly?  I can't read HIS mind.  I mean, I can pick up on his emotions.  I can feel his feelings. But, I can't think his thoughts.  I feel like I was just playing around, skipping through a puddle, and all of a sudden shit got deep.  This is for REAL, yo.  And as awesome as exciting as it is...well, it's also hard to accept!  Hence, cognitive dissonance.  My brain is trying SO HARD to rationalize it away.  It isn't working, so I'm feeling a touch mad.  I'm sure it'll go away.

Things are going absolutely fantastic.  I haven't written in a while, but I decided after yoga to sit down and sip on some kombucha and update my blog.  I'm hooked, this stuff is GOOD.  Tristan hates it, but that's probably for the best. Then he won't drink it all :)  It's expensive!  I'm going to start brewing my own, though.  I'm very excited.  I love making things!

The ugliness has reared its head a few times.  I've talked about it before, I'm sure.  Maybe not in this blog.  There's this other side of me, I call her the Seether.  You know, after the Veruca Salt song.  It's that ugliness.  I try to shove her down, but she pops up.  I try to stuff her back in but she emerges every so often, gnashing her wicked teeth.  She hurts people.  She wounds relationships.  I can't control her, and she leaves behind a wake of destruction that I'm always left to clean up, apologize for, and try to explain.  I can't.  I can't tame her, I can't kill her, I just try to hide her.  

But anyway, when she DOES come out, usually she's greeted with disgust and rejection by those she lashes out at, and that somehow seems to validate her thoughts of unworthiness.  She wants to be so unlovable just so people will prove that she is unlovable.  Whatever you believe to be true, you will create the circumstances to confirm those beliefs.  It's stupid.

But now I feel like she's healing.  Not disappearing, but she has felt seen.  She has felt accepted.  She made an appearance a few times...3?  4?  It's the test phase of the relationship.  I do so well at the beginning but eventually I crack.  From the beginning, I always fear the part where that is going to happen, and the inevitable subsequent demise of the relationship.  

This time, though, my shadow was greeted with love, acceptance, and understanding.  Rather than shove down these ugly fears, knowing they would continue to pop up, Joth helped me address them.  We talked through them.  I felt them, I expressed them, and they went away.  It feels so much better.  I feel so much more whole.  No matter what happens between us, I will always be thankful that he came into my life, because I have grown and healed more in the last 2 months than during any other period of my life.  He makes my heart sing :)

Okay, well it's 10.  I'm going to bed, more tomorrow!

Advaita -- Nonduality

Annnnnnd here's part 2, as promised.  Hey, I have a lot of lost time to make up for.  Joth coming into my life has been such a blessing, and not just in the romantical butterfly giddy happiness floating on cloud 9 way.  I mean, YES to all those things, but it is refining me as a person.  How is gold purified?  Fire.  

And THAT is why I value and cherish this so much, not because of how it makes me FEEL, because feelings are transitory and anyway what good are they in and of themselves?  They aren't tangible, you can't eat them, you can't spend them.  However they CAN motivate you to actually DO something, and those actions have value.  The reason that I feel so grateful for this experience is because of how it is helping me learn, grow, and evolve.  It is enlightening.  It is healthy.  It is constructive.  We're not just languishing about getting high on love and retreating into our inner ego world of self-indulgence.  We're going to accomplish things -- awesome things -- with the combined force of our amazing energies.  

And everything in its exact right time, too -- I spent this past year learning.  I gathered the knowledge from books and videos, but as we know, that isn't complete knowledge or understanding.  It will only take you so far.  They say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear -- it just so happened that for me, my teacher is also my partner.  I am now able to actually LEARN the things I have read.  And make no mistake -- it makes me mad sometimes!  

Joth will be telling me something and I'm like, I KNOW this!  Yet I only know it in my HEAD, while my behavior still contradicts that knowledge.  It's like when a devout Christian goes around judging people -- obviously they KNOW, on an intellectual level, from their sacred text that judging is not godly.  When you tell them they shouldn't judge, this isn't news to them.  It isn't like they missed that day in church.  They know, but they don't KNOW.  It takes a lesson, an experience, to complete the understanding.  That is what's happening with me.  First the partnership/ownership thing, which I thought I knew but had to learn.  This last time, it was nonduality.

We had kind of an argument, well it started out as a debate.  I sometimes passionately debate, and it isn't personal but I get high on sharing ideas and learning.  I do need to be careful with my words, though, because during this debate the other person may say something that touches a nerve.  And out of reflex, I lash out.  And for a second, it's personal -- yet I'm not trying to actually attack my opponent.  It's just that I sometimes react instead of responding.  

We were talking about feminism.  I have always been a feminist, and by that I don't mean someone who thinks women are superior.  I mean that I have supported equality and empowerment for women.  I am outraged and hurt by the oppression women have to deal with in other countries, such as being regarded as property, having acid thrown on their faces, female circumcision, fewer rights.  It saddens me yet it emboldens me to be a warrior for change.  Women are sacred, beautiful, divine expressions of the sacred feminine.  We deserve to reclaim our throne right beside the almighty king.  We need to restore the balance -- not overtake or overpower.  

People -- feminists included -- sometimes have a hard time understanding what this means.  Or being able to accept that we can be EQUAL but still DIFFERENT -- in fact, the difference is NECESSARY for true balance.  The white side of the yin yang is equal to the black side, but it is not identical!  We have our differences, our strengths, our unique energies.  Let's celebrate these, not deny them!  However, where does feminism fit into a life which recognizes nonduality?  

In every other area of life, I have felt that we should focus on our unity, our oneness.  I have felt that the government, in its evil manipulative way, has purposely created these imaginary lines to set us against each other.  Divide and conquer.  I say that all the time -- the more they can get us fighting amongst ourselves over the stupidest, most trivial things, the less powerful we are against THEM.  And the more distracted we are to even notice what is going on around us!  So we have our right-wing republicans vs. our left-wing democrats, our whites against our blacks, our Christians against everything else, our Americans vs. our Mexicans, and all of these things I reject.  However...when it comes to our men vs. our women...why do I make an exception?

And maybe we should empower something without tearing something else down.  Maybe we can empower women without DISEMPOWERING men.  Or maybe we can just empower PEOPLE, in general, because people who love themselves and feel spiritually whole and mentally calm will naturally make better choices and treat one another better.  And here's the part where I was getting mad -- Joth started telling me things I already knew.  Why did that anger me?  Because all of a sudden, I started to realize that I was completely contradicting what I believed.  He was telling me how we shouldn't be AGAINST anything, because we give energy to what we focus on.  We should just be FOR what we want.  And don't I ALWAYS say that?  I wrote a whole blog entry about that!  I already know!!!!  

But if I know that, then why am I sitting here talking about being AGAINST discrimination and how I REFUSE to align myself with someone who thinks his masculinity makes him superior and how we need to STOP the way men view women as supported by their patriarchal religions...?  So of course, when I didn't know what to say, when he told me basically that we are all one and setting up these imaginary lines just serves to further divide us, I pulled some script from the arguments I constantly read on feminist websites and said, "Look at YOU and your male privilege!"  What I have learned is, basically, if a man does not agree with a feminist viewpoint, it is because of male privilege.  A man can not understand the oppression of women and if he dares suggest that men suffer as well, he is ignorant and wrong.  

If I am to see beyond the labels, and truly understand advaita, I can not keep putting people in boxes.  There is a little bit of everyone in everyone.  We are all made up of the same stuff, just poured into different containers.  But  the essence of us?  It isn't our vessels, the color of our skin or our genitalia.  The actions we take against one another are not created by the space our spirit occupies.  People hurt people.  People love people.  We are all mirrors for one another, reflecting different aspects of the qualities we ALL possess.

Now I'm not sure if I'm going to go on to write a third entry about the amazing mystical merging of soul which has occurred between Joth and I, or maybe save that for another day.  But this.  Is.  Epic.  We're going to do amazing things together -- wait and see.  I'm SO excited!!!!!

Zodiac Travellers

It has been a while...as a matter of fact, the last time I posted, we were approaching a full moon.  Now, we are approaching a new moon.  Saturday's new moon is going to be epic!  The sun is also moving into Sagittarius.  I love how the older I get, the more I notice subtle patterns.  Getting older is amazing!  You get to keep building on the knowledge you have, enriching your understanding through successive experiences, deepening your wisdom.  

It's like each year, you go around this wheel.  Maybe like a trip through 12 different states, ending where you began.  The first time, maybe you notice the differences in climate.  The next time you make the trip, you start to notice the different landscapes -- how some states have more trees, others have mountains, the different types of flowers growing beside the road.  After you've made this same trip a few times, you start to pick up on the finer details that escaped your notice the first few dozen times because your attention was captured by the obvious things.

Anyway, I think life is like that.  Each year, we go through each sign of the zodiac, starting and ending at Aries.  Now that I'm 32, I am just finally starting to connect the dots and notice what is distinct to each phase.  I am also starting to sense the finer differences, and pick up on the little details.  I understand that being born during a certain sign, one carries the characteristics of that time throughout his or her life.  Those qualities are imprinted on her personality.  However, we all get to experience each sign to a certain degree as we make our annual journey.  Each sign has its strengths and weaknesses, and if we learn to capitalize on the strengths in each sign as we are going through them -- to work WITH what  the current energies are contributing -- we can maximize our potential.

For example, if I am wanting to learn to snowboard, I probably would be better off waiting until we get to Colorado instead of attempting to do it in California.  Sure, it will be POSSIBLE in California, but so much harder -- there will be less resources, opportunity, and convenience.  So, while I'm in California, why not learn how to surf?  So, in short -- what ARE the energies of the current sun sign, and how can I use them to my advantage, to grow and evolve as a person?

See, this is what happens when I decide on my topic at the beginning of the entry.  I end up going in a completely different direction, and then my title and picture don't make sense.  Well anyway a lot has happened and I have a lot to say.  I may need to write multiple entries.  

On a mundane note, HOLY SNOW.  We got slammed with ridiculous amounts of snow.  I was trying to drive home last night, gripping the steering wheel, trying to relax.  I knew everything would be okay, and I know I'll get through this winter.  I just wasn't ready for this yet.  I did a phone interview with Farmers, which is very close to where I live.  I sincerely hope I get it, because the drive is so much shorter.  The highway gets insane in the winter, and it doesn't help that every time a semi  truck passes by, I get dusted with all the snow and can't see jack.  But it builds character!  Right!!!

I am entering into psychic disturbance time.  Like, in a good way.  I always forget about how the coma sleep mystical vision psychic amplification thing DOES happen, even when I'm not on meds.  It's not mania, it's not depression.  It would seem like depression, because I am more sleepy.  But it isn't a lethargy or listlessness.  It is a sudden, irresistible blast of YOU MUST SLEEP NOW.  A hypnotic spell that comes over me and steals me away to the astral plane.  I am powerless to fight it.  So, I am swiftly taken under, instantly dream -- vividly -- and just as quickly snap back out of it.  It isn't sleep as I know it.  It is a mystical experience.  So in that way, you would think it's mania -- because I hear the voices and have the vivid dreams more often when I'm manic.  Yet, mania doesn't come with irresistible urges to instantly lose consciousness either.

Is it even PART of my psychological illness?  Is ANYTHING?  Is it possible that I am MEANT to be this way, and maybe that anyone with a mental disease is meant to have it, but whether it manifests as positive or negative completely depends on the way we utilize the energy we've been given?  Food for thought.  I am the same person I was when I was "crazy", yet I'm not crazy anymore.  I have the same interplay of the same energies happening as I did when I was 22 and on a scary path to self-annihilation.  Difference?  The way I use them.  

These are powerful energies I'm working with.  I can either spectacularly fail, or spectacularly soar.  It's like I'm driving a super fast car -- if I know how to drive it, this could be exhilarating.   If I am careless about it, it could be catastrophic.  It's the same car.  The car isn't "bad" because it's fast and I could use it to destroy myself.  It isn't "good" because it can get me someplace in half the time and I can use it to give my friends rides to work.  It's just a car.  Woah.  I love espresso.

I know that seemed random, but when I woke up and saw all the snow, I decided I was going to need extra caffeine to keep me afloat.  So I made a pot of coffee AND espresso and had a cup of coffee with like 4 shots.  Haha now you understand this rambling path we are on today.

So anyway, I had visions this morning.  (Before the espresso!)  Vivid, realistic, NOT dream.  My palms were BURNING.  I heard people talking in my head.  I hate to say that because I know how crazy it sounds, but it isn't like that.  It's like I'm extra tuned in to this other dimension and I can hear things that are always there but I can't usually perceive.  My sensitivity is just super heightened today.  I remember this all happened right after my reiki attunements.  Also, over the past few days, I have had to pee a lot -- which also happened right after my attunements.  I am not a person who pees very much, so I notice when I do.  It went on for a couple days earlier in the week.  There are definitely some big things happening.  I am going to have to write another entry though, for sure, because I haven't even touched on THAT.  So, I'm going to change this topic and picture.

Partnership vs. Ownership

That picture doesn't actually have anything to do with my topic, but I thought it was beautiful.  I also think it would make a bad-ass tattoo!  In fact, it is decided.  I'm putting it on my body.  :)

Soooooooooo, this weekend was pretty much awesome, despite the fact that there was "trouble in paradise" and also that I got a flat tire and am currently driving on a donut tire.  I feel like I've finally been able to chip away at some of these walls I've built.  I'm disabling these programs I've been running ever since forever -- and after all, when have they ever worked for me?  How appropriate it is that we are approaching a full moon -- the time for releasing that which no longer serves you.

You don't know what happened and it's going to be confusing if I just jump around from topic to topic, so I'll try to write like normal people do in order from beginning to end.  First, Friday night.  Joth came and we went to Brian and Danielle's Halloween party.  He dressed as a "vampirate", and he looked sooooooo good.  I dressed as a belly dancer.  I was so happy.  I felt like WE were so happy.  Nothing at all went wrong all night -- we had some very strong rum, we laughed, we kissed, we talked, we danced.  Everything up until the time we fell asleep was perfect, just as if it had been taken out of a book.  I thought, finally.  Life is so good.  

Sometimes, excessive drinking can trigger depression.  I don't get full-blown depression anymore, thank goddess, but I do hit lows.  I hadn't done yoga in a week, either, and I usually rely on that to help keep me balanced.  I realize, though, that I'm blaming everything else and I need to act like a grown-up and just admit that I acted like a fucking child.  

Here's the thing, though -- read back through this blog.  Notice all the entries in which I blamed myself for everything that was going wrong in past relationships.  See how I accepted responsibility for all of the issues that, in retrospect, had nothing to do with me.  Read how many excuses I made for my partner, how many times I minimized what he did.  Of course, blame is a strange concept anyway, something I feel differently about than I once did.  I believe in causality, and that we are all doing the best we can with what we have, and that things are rarely ever so black-and-white as to be able to clearly label one party "guilty" and one party "innocent".  

Anyway, so I freaked out on Saturday.  In a lot of weird ways, I'm not a jealous person.  I have shared partners before and never felt the slightest twinge.  I have spent the past year fortifying my self-worth and vanquishing my insecurity.  I really felt that I was ready for the next level in relationships, to move on past the ego-based power plays into the balanced land of harmonious conscious partnership.  

I mean, that's what I wanted.  That's what I intended.  That's what I manifested.  But, you can't run the same old programs on the new and improved computer.  It just doesn't work.  It's like I'm trying to run this Dr. Mario cartridge on a brand new PS4.  (I think that's the newest video game system, no?)  

It's great that I got this new, state of the art model with amazing graphics and unbelievable memory.  It's everything I wanted.  It fulfills every video-gaming need I could have.  Why would I NOT realize that the programs need to be updated in order to be compatible with it?  Of COURSE they do.  I can't take the same approach to this relationship as I have with my previous relationships and expect success.  Why would I want that, anyway?  So, I learned a little lesson on ownership vs. partnership.

At first, I bristled at the reference.  How DARE you suggest that I could be possessive?  That's not my role!  It was such an insult to feel like I was being compared to THEM -- those who had tried to own and possess me before.  How did I get lumped in with my perpetrators???  I'm like YOU, not like THEM!  I have been controlled, not controlling.  Possessed, not possessive.  I became so angry and frustrated because I felt misunderstood.  I felt like I appeared to him as they had appeared to me.  It was never my intention!  I just got insecure and freaked out.  

When I tried to explain my point, about wanting to feel security, feeling threatened, fear of abandonment -- he explained that you can not lose something that does not belong to you.  Wanting that guarantee of forever after is wanting to put your partner in a cage.  It's loving a bird and admiring its beauty, but clipping its wings.  I felt ashamed.  That's not who I want to be -- I know how it feels.  I don't want someone to be with me because they feel stuck, I've been there.  I don't want to tie someone down.  

But, I'm also very quick to run, BECAUSE of that.  Because I would rather be alone than with someone who does not want to be with me.  And the only way that I can be assured that someone DOES want  to be with me is by using fucked up methods to elicit reassurance.  Of course, these methods often push people away.  Or, they include running away just to see if my partner chases me.  If they do, I believe they want me.  If they don't, I believe they never did.  But, I did a tarot reading tonight with some pretty powerful imagery at the end.  It spoke to the situation as clearly as could be.  

The outcome was the Princess of Cups, facing to the left of the card holding her emotional cup.  To the right of that card was the Prince of Staves, facing also to the left of the card -- as if she was in front, he was behind her, and they were both facing the same direction.  As if he were chasing her.  Especially as Staves are fire.  Me, purposely walking away, putting him in a position where I need him to pursue me in order to convince me that he does want me.  

But the advice card, to the right of THOSE (I'll have to take a picture) was the Two of Cups -- same girl, same boy, but now facing each other, holding the same cup TOGETHER.  This is my advice.  Stop trying to make him chase you.  Be an equal partner.  Turn around and hold this cup together and be a TEAM.  The game I'm playing right now puts us on opposing sides, and that's not what emotionally healthy people do.  It's time to stop.

Really quick, because I know I've been talking forever -- but good things!  Sister circle book club, full moon gathering, AND bellydancing coming up.  I am one happy lady.  I am excited to DO some stuff!