Duuuuuude.

Yeah, I still don't have a theme.  It's been over two years, I'm running out of ideas!!  I've done tarot cards, yoga poses, goddesses, candy, animals, crystals...I don't even know what else.  

But hey.  Slight problem.  I took great care two years ago to make sure nobody I knew could find this blog -- I used an alias, I didn't use identifying information, and made a new email address to associate with it.  Because, duh, I was making REALLY bad decisions and I didn't want it to be used as blackmail.

When I started working for Charter, I put the employer name on here.  I was beginning to loosen up, but I still didn't want people I know finding this.  Because, while it's public, it's still private.  You know?  I don't mind if complete strangers know all the details of my life that I don't even share with my mother.  I just don't want anyone who actually knows me in real life to see the raw, ugly, honest side of me.  I mean, I'm honest anyway.  But I'm quiet.  Not telling is not the same as lying (although my mother would call it a "lie of omission" -- but do I owe the world full disclosure????).  

Anyway, on my profile I was shocked to see under "people you may know" my ex-husband and an old classmate.  Uhhhh what?  How does it know that I may know them?  Is it telling THEM that they may know ME?  Das ist nicht sehr gut.

But I have a million things to talk about so let's frantically hop from subject to subject like a cracked out frog on a pond full of lily pads.  :D

So let's begin!  Yoga, last night.  Yeah, I know I said I was going to do it in the morning.  I feared that I wouldn't have enough time to shower and put on makeup before church, so I decided to wait until evening.  Speaking of church!  Wait, I'll talk about that next.  If I kept taking side trails, I'll never find my way back to the main path.

So, yoga.  I hadn't done it for a week, and sometimes when I take even a DAY off, I lose so much flexibility.  But last night, I was even MORE flexible than before I took my break.  I guess it's true that we should honor our body, it knows what we want.  My body needed rest, and I came back better than ever!  I was absolutely shocked to see how close I can get my hands to my feet in wheel.  It was awesome!  And I felt happy the whole time.  The only thing I dreaded was navasana, nothing new there.  But again, as usual, when I finally did it, it was no big deal.  All that anxiety for nothing, you'd think I would learn.

Church was great.  I feel really silly calling it church, because the image one's mind conjures up with that word most definitely does not correspond with the place I was.  We did our chakra balancing meditation and the pastor gave a great sermon about how forgiveness starts with ourselves.  Forgiveness is not condoning the behavior.  Forgiveness sets us free.  We've all heard all of this, but it was still a very positive message and I was happy to hear it.  Afterward, April and Amanda and I went to Amanda's house to do a reiki share but we ended up talking the whole time, just like we did last time.  It was fine, though.  Rarely do any of us get a chance to have discussions with like-minded individuals, and that was just what we needed.  <3 Reiki sisters <3

Ummmm okay what else was I going to talk about.  Ohhhh yeah.  Haha.  The wacko stuff.

Magic is REAL, y'all.  ;)  No, but seriously.  You know how they tell you with the Law of Attraction/The Secret to visualize what you want and focus on it, right?  Then Gregg Braden and others take it a step further and recommend that you sit in meditation with the experience of HAVING what you want.  Create the feeling as if you already have it.  Louise Hay has the affirmations, and we say them as if we already have whatever it is we seek (I have a reliable, enjoyable job.  My parents are understanding and kind.  My children love to clean their rooms.)  

So I made a list.  It was the August full moon, and I was still with Ramiro.  It was shortly after he had cancelled our weekly visit the day before it was supposed  to happen, and then proceeded to completely ignore me that night while I sat in the bath with candles and music.  Which was divine, of course it was.  But it gave me a lot of time to think, and to reflect on what I had vs. what I really wanted.  On the full moon, I decided that instead of wishing he were someone he would never be, I would wish for someone who was exactly what I needed.  Why focus our energy on trying to wish away what we don't want?  Why not put our energy toward manifesting what we DO want?

Dude.  I wrote a long list.  On top of what I DID write down, there were things inside my head that I silently added but didn't dare include as it might be pushing my luck.  I thought it would be asking too much, if I put down everything I wanted, and ultimately some of those things didn't really matter that much.  I said it as if I already had it:  My lover is creative, kind, and open-minded.  My lover listens to what I say and takes an interest in my ideas.  My lover is passionate about learning and exchanging ideas.  My lover enjoys the simple things, like reading, watching documentaries, and taking walks in nature.  My lover is a positive person.  My lover shares similar viewpoints and perspectives, but where there are differences, shows respect and acceptance.  My lover is honest and direct, with kindness.  Etc. Etc. Etc.

Long list, right?  That's not even half of it.  I was sitting there thinking, and wouldn't it be cool if he did YOGA?  I never added it, though, because...come on.  I'm having a hard enough time finding a guy who can hold a conversation.  Let's be be thankful if we can find THAT, right?

Well.  Oh my god.  My life took a completely surreal Twilight Zone turn for the unbelievable.  I'm trying not to get too excited but let's just say I'm talking to someone who is EVERYTHING on the list PLUS the stuff that was in my head that I didn't dare ADD to the list.  I just can't even believe this.  It really fucking happened.  It really did.  Now, for me to NOT screw it up!  ;)

Now what?

I feel like I need a different theme.  I mean, there are still plenty of goddesses.  But it's a new phase, so I should have a new theme.  I'll think about that.

Clearly, I am beginning another (hypo)manic episode.  The nice thing about being depressed is that I don't go quite as low anymore.  Maybe I don't get quite as high with the mania, but that's okay.  You hit a certain point and you start getting reckless, anyway.  Across that line is lost jobs, squandered paychecks, and relationships destroyed.  I'm okay right here on my mildly euphoric/slightly agitated island.  It sucks, though, because where was this energy when I needed it???  I was mildly depressed for the past week and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I had to get out of bed and go to work, which is a miracle in itself that it happened.  Now that I have a day off...oh, I've been up since six.  Raring to go.  Ready to blog.  

I'm excited for today, though.  After I finish blogging, I'm going to do yoga, then I'm going to take a shower and get pretty because at 10:30 is church (don't fall out of your chair, I'll explain in a minute) then a reiki share afterwards with some people from my reiki class.  My "soul family".  We may not get to choose the family we are born into, but I am definitely in the process of discovering my tribe.

So, this church.  It's the Spiritualist First Church of Truth.  I went two weeks ago.  Amanda, reiki sister, had told me about it so I went to check it out.  Oh. My. Goddess.  So, first, the pastor is a medium.  There are like six or seven other mediums in the congregation, which is small.  And a few healers.  They have two healing chairs at the front of the church.  Two healers (one of them was Amanda when I went) each stand behind a chair and during the service the members of the congregation take turns going up and getting reiki.

And the service?  Well, that begins with a guided chakra balancing meditation.  Ohhhhhh so cool!  Then at the end, everyone draws a number and each medium takes turns drawing corresponding numbers and giving readings.  So. So. Cool!  Anyway, so Amanda, Seth, April, and I are going today.  Then we are having a reiki share at Amanda's house.  I'm very excited because I really feel like I could use some reiki.  I do my self-healing every day, but you know how it is.

And actually, I lied.  I HAVEN'T been doing it every day.  In fact, this latest slump hit me pretty hard.  Normally, my routine is that I do yoga every day, and do my self-healing during savasana.  I don't know whether's it's okay to multi-purpose like that, but that's what I do.  I haven't been struck with lightning by the yoga gods or the reiki gods yet, so I presume it's not illegal.  

I haven't done yoga in a week.  Shhhhh!  I feel so gross!  The thing is, though, it almost makes me wonder who I am right now.  I identify so much with what I DO.  I am not those things.  I'm a reader, I'm a yogini, I'm a healthy/organic eater, whatever.  What if I don't read or do yoga for a week?  What if I skip my green smoothies for a while?  What if I ate a McDonald's chicken wrap and fries?  Who am I, then?  Of course this is a stupid line of thinking.  I'm still me, but who is THAT, anyway?  Which leads me to my next point.

When we say, "I am...", whatever comes after that becomes true for us.  So yesterday, when I was reading that book and came to the horrifying conclusion that I must be a narcissist, was I making it so because I declared it?  Or is it denial if I refuse to accept the label?  The thing is, I've been thinking a lot about my family since last night.  Undoubtedly, we all have a lot of narcissistic traits.  But we're lovable.  We're still good people.  There are many great things about my mom, but she does try to control family members, specifically her children, well into adulthood.  I don't know if I've ever heard her apologize.  I remember my dad did once.  It's the only time I remember, because he came into my room awkwardly and sat on my bed and said he was sorry for something.  What, I don't remember.  

I think he tries.  I think he can't get out of his shell, just like I can't get out of mine.  I think he wants to reach out, but he's a prisoner of his own insecurity.  I see it, and I have compassion for it, because it's my story too.  Nobody wants to be this way.  We all want healthy, fulfilling, mutually satisfying relationships.  Realizing that I have these flaws is only an advantage, because now I can take the steps to work on it.  Anyway enough talking about that.

A lot has happened since I was writing before, but to summarize, I'm staying strong.  I stopped talking to Jason, just because I honestly can't handle the temptation of being around someone who does that and besides I know how he feels about me now and it isn't mutual.  Ramiro called me a few nights ago!  Oh my gosh.  So first, he called when I was picking up groceries.  I have no idea what the purpose was.  He just wanted to tell me about how he's having fun partying every weekend and going out dancing.  Coooooool.  We haven't talked for three weeks and all of a sudden you feel like it's important enough to call me for the sole purpose of letting me know how awesome your life is????  Weird.

I think really that he was thinking maybe I still had feelings for him.  And he'd call, and stir them up, just to gain some kind of sick pleasure from sending my emotions into a tailspin.  Which totally would have happened, if I had any kind of emotional attachment to him anymore.  But, I don't.  He called me a couple nights later to tell me he is moving back to L.A.  I think he thought (hoped) I would be sad.  I told him that is the best idea, because his kids are there, and their childhoods won't last forever.  I asked him what he is accomplishing here, and told him he's just wasting his time and he needs to go be a dad to his kids.  

He said he didn't think we would break up, and I just came out with it and told him we didn't even have a connection anyway, we had nothing in common, and that I cared about him but I could never be "in love" with him.  He seemed really surprised by that.  Hurt, almost.  I don't know why.  

There are other things.  Awesome things.  Special things.  I don't want to jinx anything right now so I'll keep them to myself for now.  Life is really super awesome though.  I mean, today will be great.  Tomorrow, work, meh.  I'm doing great at work, though!  Then Tuesday...:) :) :)  yes, Tuesday will be fantastic.  Then I am going to the Loving Kindness Tour (the public viewing of the Buddha's relics downtown) on Thursday.  Then there's Art Prize.  We have a new moon and an autumnal equinox upon us.  I am happy, so so so so happy.  !!!

I lied.

This may be nothing more than self-indulgent blabbering, but I need this.  Maybe every entry is about me, and things about my life no one cares about.  But I don't write here to impress anyone else -- I write here because I need to.  Writing is my outlet, this is my therapy, and if I don't release all the things bouncing around inside my head...they come out in other, undesirable ways.

So I'm not leaving.  Today I had an epiphany, and I need to talk about it.  I can't go around boring all the people in my life with incessant rambling about my life.  So I come here, let it out, and pretend someone is listening.  Then I feel better.

I think in the back of my mind, I have known this for some time.  I have intensely resisted and remained in a state of denial, but how can I ever fix it if I can't accept it?  I'm a fucking narcissist.

Oh my god, I hate myself.  This is the worst news ever.  The thing is, I didn't know it could be true because I always assumed a narcissist was someone who didn't care about others, and who had an inflated sense of self-worth.  I do love other people.  I may be uncomfortable expressing it, and feel very awkward trying to demonstrate my affection, but it's there.  I love everyone so much.  And myself?  I don't think I'm superior to anyone.  I think that's pretty obvious, I struggled a long time with feelings of unworthiness and accepting only the version of "love" that I thought I deserved, which wasn't love at all.

But it's true.  The funny thing is, I had these books anonymously shipped to my ex-husband's house this past winter.  I blogged about it.  They are all about love addiction and narcissism.  I assumed they were from Noe, but something inside me tells me that it was a member of my own family.  Which is hilarious, because now that I'm actually reading them...it sounds like more  than one of my family members should probably take some notes, too.  

It's so easy to point the finger.  I look at my brother and his wife, and it's easy.  Narcissists, totally and completely.  Blair blames everyone else but himself for everything wrong in his life and Rachel couldn't apologize to save HERS.  She can't handle criticism, makes negative gossipy hurtful comments about others, and is so VAIN.  I have always seen this.  But me?  No.

Some of the questions in one of the books, though, has me thinking twice.  The book, by the way, is called "You Might Be A Narcissist If...".  The first ten don't apply to me at all, and I'd admit it if they did.  They are do I have empathy, can I admit when I'm wrong, do I categorize others as superior or inferior to myself, do I realize I'm not perfect, do I talk about others behind their backs in a way that puts them down, am I shocked or angry when others express an opinion that is different from my own, do I exert excessive control over others, do I feel envious of others or think they are envious of me.

Relieved, so far.  Then I turned the page.  Do I take pride in being able to do things without the help of others, and do I believe that to need help from others makes one weak?  I swear, sometimes I'd sooner die than admit I need help.  Do I feel safest psychologically when I'm alone?  Look at my life.  Alone, alone, alone.  Make plans to hang out with others, then cancel.  Because, intimacy.  Do I feel threatened psychologically when I am becoming attached to another person?  YES.  Hence, my famous disappearing act.  First, though, I'll find some excuse to run away so I can feel okay about it.  A little lie, a small mistake.  When I experience failure, do I experience strong feelings of self-loathing or self-contempt?  Oh my goddess.  I will berate myself for weeks over a stupid thing I said.  I will obsess over every mistake I made, replaying it in my head, cringing with shame.  

Anyway, it wasn't really the list that broke me down.  It was the chapter where they explain what it's like coming from a narcissistic family, and how we later go on to form relationships with others who came from the same circumstances because it's all we know.  One, injured from narcissistic family members, seeks out another -- one who has taken on the narcissism that was modeled by THEIR family members.  I never could have believed my family was narcissistic.  I love them!

But they won't talk to me when I do something they don't agree with.  I'm kicked out of the family if I dare make a decision that goes against what they think I should do.  I remember being in the same room as my dad at Thanksgiving, and he looked right through me.  Like I didn't exist.  How he didn't talk to me for 3 years when I was with Andrew, and 2 years when I was with Noe.  I only get approval and affection when I am acting in accordance with their ideas for me.  

Obviously, my brother took on these traits, and married someone else who did.  She probably grew up that way too.  The book says we are all doing the best we can, so maybe they are.  Maybe I am.  I hate it that I interrupt, and that I don't call, that I don't reply to  texts, that I don't demonstrate affection.  I hate that people probably think I don't love them.  But, fuck that!  Am I just a victim of my circumstances?  Have I not overcome bigger issues than this?  We're ALL broken.  No one is beyond hope.  I'll accept this as a challenge and work really, really, REALLY hard to make this stop now, with me.  

Farewell!

This blog has served its purpose.  It helped me through a hard time -- a transformative time.  I have emerged from my cocoon, though, and my wings are ready.  It's time for me to fly away, onto bigger and better things.

*Edited to add, I went back to see when my first entry was written in this blog and it was almost EXACTLY two years ago -- August 30, 2012.  How weird that today was the day I was called to end it?  I have chills...

I was never really over Noe until the end of Ramiro.  Everything about Ramiro was just like Noe (well, almost) -- the way his voice sounded, the things he said, even the way he kissed me.  The way he texted (or not).  The way he'd ignore me then come rushing back with pretty words.  The lies he told.  His emotional unavailability.  

Ramiro had a tattoo on his arm, it said "Amber".  I have a tattoo on my neck, it says "Noe".  Amber is a blonde girl of German descent.  I am a blonde girl of German descent.  Noe was born in Mexico and came here around first grade.  Ramiro was born in Mexico and came here around first grade.  I think, through each other, Ramiro and I were both trying to resolve what we felt had been left unresolved with that ex who had branded themself on each of us, both literally and figuratively.  Both on our skin and on our soul.

I finally have closure.  I hope Ramiro does too.  I'm done trying to find someone exactly like Noe that I can make it work with.  I have finally accepted that my happiness comes from inside, and the feelings I still clung to -- that I was chasing, in other men, other beds, other relationships -- were never based on anything real.  I have released the illusion and finally realized that the person I will be happy with is nothing like Noe.  Nothing like Raul.  Nothing like Emmanuel.  Nothing like Ramiro.  

When this person comes, we'll have a soul connection.  They will set my heart on fire, not with roses and pretty words, but with TRUTH and the intensity of our connection.  They will "get" me.  They will "see" me.  

At the same time, though, I realize that a relationship is not the be all and end all of my existence.  There is something more out there.  I am on a mission to pursue it, and lay to rest the old ghosts I've been chasing.  If you've been with me on this journey, thank you.  And namaste.

Airmid

This is the most perfect goddess for today.  This is Airmid, the Celtic goddess of the healing arts.  I also thought the picture was beautiful.

So, it's been about two weeks since I last posted, and a lot has happened in that time.  My cable was shut off...ha!  I get free cable, and it was shut off!  I had like $40 in pay per view movies I got for the kids, and it was delinquent.  Poor financial planning on my part.

Had I broken up with Ramiro yet the last time I posted?  We broke up the day after the quinceanera.  And guess what?  It didn't really hurt.  I made HIM do it, though, and I think that's why it was so easy for me.  The last time, when I dumped HIM, I second-guessed myself and I thought I made a mistake and I thought I missed him and I begged for him back.  This time, he texted me and said since I'm never moving to Goshen, maybe I'm right and maybe we should break up because he needs to be with somebody he can see every day.  And I was like, meh.  Okay.  I don't even know why I was still holding on at that point anyway.  He had no passion for me.

I knew I had to let go of the bad to find something better.  I envisioned and dreamed of what I long for, that spark, that connection, that mutual understanding.  That saying the same thing at the same time, that feeling of "ME TOO!" when you identify so much with what the other person thinks and feels.  Now, I met this girl Shana on planet earth singles (a conscious dating site) and I thought maybe it would be her.  I mean, we have a lot in common.  We have very similar viewpoints and passions.  She's only 25, though, lives with her parents and doesn't drive.  And doesn't have a job.  Hmmmm.  But hey, that's all judgement, right?  It has nothing to do with who she is as a person.

Except maybe it does.  Now, I'm not judging, I've been there before.  But I'm not in that place anymore, and I think that as I evolved as a person inside, my external circumstances began to reflect that.  Maybe we are not, in fact, vibrating at the same frequency.  I made a mistake last weekend and cancelled a date I was supposed to have with her, but I think all worked out for the best in the end.

I went to hang out with a friend I haven't seen in 5 years because he was with this insecure woman who wouldn't let him talk to me because we dated once, like 9 years ago, for about 3 months.  Yeah, for real.  Well maybe she was right not to trust him with me, because while I have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever, he apparently sees me as more than a friend.

I got so drunk.  Like, way more drunk than was necessary or advisable.  I just kept drinking.  And drinking.  And drinking.  I had just broken up with Ramiro, which in itself wasn't so bad.  But I felt alone.  Also, on my way to Jason's house, I got lost and my phone was dead so I had no GPS or way to call anyone.  I almost got stuck in a 2 track, dented my car on a tree trying to back out, stopped at two creepy houses to ask directions and no one was home.  I finally found a kid on a golf cart who directed me back to town, where I ran into Jason and followed him back.

So I was ready to get fucked up.  This guy who was there -- no, this KID (I found out later he was only 19) -- was flirting with me at first.  No big deal.  But the more I drank, the more bold he got.  I told him nicely that he was in my bubble.  I kept moving away every time he touched my ass.  At first it was flattering, I'm not going to lie.  He was a good looking guy, but I wasn't interested.  After a while, it started to get annoying.  Especially when he kept following me around, and started grabbing my crotch.  Yeah, for real.  Just putting his hand between my legs and shit.  So I told Jason I wanted to go to bed, and I laid down, and this dude comes in and lays RIGHT NEXT TO ME and KISSES me.  

I didn't kiss him back, it must have been like kissing a corpse.  Then he said, "I'm really into you".  I said, "Oh my god, this is not the time for this.  I am so drunk."  He said, "Well I just wanted to tell you I'm really into you."  I said, "I don't even know what to say right now.  That's sweet of you."  Then Jason came in, this dude left, and I was faced with a whole other predicament.

First of all, he offered me cocaine.  I don't know if you know, but it's been 16 months.  I fought so hard against that demon.  Secondly, he got into bed and he was all touching on me and shit.  Now, I'm not going to make him look like the bad guy here.  I didn't say no.  I didn't say yes.  I didn't say anything.  I didn't want to, but I was so drunk and didn't want to waste the energy to figure out how to get out of that situation without awkwardness, so I just let it happen.  I felt so uncomfortable, so gross.  Not because I felt like I was sinning or anything, but because I have absolutely zero attraction for him.  

When I see a guy as a friend, that's it.  I don't fuck my friends.  I feel a family type feeling toward them, and the thought of physical intimacy makes me feel sick.  I felt that way about Brian even when I was married to him.  I did date Jason once, yes, and we slept together and I never felt weird.  But the vibe has changed, and this time it felt like torture.  I was so grossed out.  I would rather have fucked some random stranger.  I would rather fuck a fat, ugly, OLD random stranger than a guy friend, who in my mind is the same as a family member.

So now I feel awkward and I have been ignoring his calls.  Besides that, and here's some real truth, I have not stopped thinking about cocaine since that night and it was a week ago and I just fear I'm not strong enough to put myself in that situation.  I think that would just be asking for trouble, and I've come so far.

I know I've been talking a long time.  Next time I will tell you about this guy I'm talking to now, who knows where it's going, maybe he'll end up being just a friend.  But he is a yoga instructor, was a vocalist in a band, reads tarot, does reiki, and loves to read.  Like, YEAH.  For real!!!!!  How crazy?????

Hina

Oh my god I'm so depressed.  I was triggered straight from a euphoric sleepless mania into an immobilizing depression.  This is what I get for ignoring my intuition!  We always know that little voice is right.  But sometimes we want it to be wrong.  Maybe I just wanted to be in love, after all this time.  Maybe I didn't want to accept that this one ISN'T the one, because that means I'm alone again for an indefinite period of time which somehow sounds unbearable although the pain of being with someone who doesn't love you like you need them to is also suffering.

I've read the Yoga Sutras, the Bhagavad-Gita, and now I'm reading the Upanishads.  They teach, and I preach, about non-attachment.  I firmly believe we should not rely on anything outside of ourselves to fulfill us, yet here I am being put to the test.  I feel like I have LEARNED this lesson already, I already learned how to be happy alone and self-fulfilled, can't it be my time???  How much longer do I have to wait before I am allowed my soul-craving of a partner who sees me, who loves me, who accepts me?  When is it my turn to enjoy the companionship of another human soul who gets it, who listens to what I say, someone I can share my passions with?  Why am I here AGAIN???

And then comes acceptance, which is another lesson I thought I learned.  It isn't what I want it to be.  I can't make it BE what I want it to be.  Acceptance means acknowledging this, not necessarily staying and putting up with it.  You can't love someone for who you hope they could become, you have to either love and accept who they are at this very moment or walk away.  Why is it so hard for me to walk away?

This all probably sounds like nonsensical rambling.  I hate how when I get into a relationship, that's all I ever blog about.  It's like my entire personality, all of my interests, and every other activity is eclipsed by this relationship and all of me is erased by its existence.  Nothing remains but the me that is a half of a partnership.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I allow myself to be so consumed?  I know I said I wouldn't, and I thought I didn't.  But look how often I blog now.  And when I do, look what I talk about.  Is this really autonomy?  Where is CHRISTINE???

I had expectations.  I ignored my intuition.  I became attached.  Attachment led to desire, and now, I suffer.  Let me tell you about the quinceanera last night.  

Ramiro had told me he was serious about me, and he wanted to introduce me to his family.  I was scared, but yet I was also happy that he felt that way about me.  I found the perfect dress, he came and picked me up, he looked amazing.  He was saying stuff about how he wanted  to marry me, and he assured me he wouldn't leave my alone at the quince because he knew I wouldn't know anybody and didn't want me to feel awkward.

Well.  We got there, he didn't INTRODUCE me to anyone.  He left me sitting at the table with his cousin while he kept getting up to go talk to people, and I'd see them all look back at me, and then he'd come back.  So he told them about me, pointed me out to them, but there was never a, "This is my girlfriend Christine.  Christine, this is my Uncle."  I felt like an exhibit, and I was uncomfortable.  It didn't bother me so much that I was the only white girl and I don't speak Spanish well enough to keep up with all the conversation.  It was just how Ramiro made me feel.

He did teach me to dance, though, kind of.  And I had no idea what the hell I was doing, I stepped on his feet probably a hundred times, but I really had a lot of fun and it made me happy.  Plus, you can tell he loves dancing and he is very good at it.  It was nice to see him do something that made him happy, his confidence was so appealing.  He just took control, and he would lead, and I would follow, and I smiled a lot.  I got a little drunk, just enough to overcome my anxiety.  I was proud of myself because I ate in front of people, which freaks me out a LOT, and I also danced with him in front of all those people not even knowing what I was doing.  So, yay me.

Then we went back to the hotel, had sex and snuggled and that was all wonderful.  But in the morning, he was like a different person.  That ALWAYS seems to happen with him.  He's Prince Charming at night, then I wake up to the Ice King.  I would tell him I loved him, he wouldn't say it back unless I repeated myself, indicating that I expected a response.  He said something about how he used to be so excited about getting married but now he's been turned off from it and he doesn't think he needs to do that anymore (which completely contradicted what he had been saying the night before).

He didn't want to take a shower together like we used to, just asked if I wanted to go first or should he.  Then when I got upset, he said he was going to spend the night at my apartment with me tonight but then before it was  time to bring me home, he decided to bring his cousin too so he'd have company on the ride home.

So we got here, and the icing on the cake was that he gave me the worst kiss ever, like the kind of kiss your grandpa gives you, and when I said I love you he said NOTHING.  Then he said he'd text me when he got home.  I understand, his cousin was in the back seat.  You can't walk me in, and kiss me like a man kisses the woman he loves?  You can't tell me you love me? 

I guess the worst part is, as I psychoanalyze myself with tears running down my face, I am mad because I am settling for him and making the best out of a relationship that doesn't fit my description of ideal.  I'm giving my all to him even though he's not everything I wanted.  So WHY CAN'T HE DO THAT FOR ME????  I feel like, I'm making myself be happy with YOU, why can't you do the same for me?  

It's like he thinks I can't get anyone else, and that I should feel lucky that he's choosing me when he has so many other options.  The thing is, I have other options too.  I get plenty of attention.  I just don't talk about it all the time because it's disrespectful.  But it makes me angry that he almost feels like he's doing me a favor and that I can't go anywhere.  I could.  I just don't want to.  But the longer I don't, the more I start to wonder WHY?????

Green Tara

Goddess, Bodhisattva...same idea.  Of course I believe that all deities are metaphors for certain qualities inherent in all of humankind.  We all contain the potential for every characteristic, it is up to us to decide whether or not we will express/indulge.  But everything is in everything.  Focusing on deities which represent the qualities we want to express in ourselves is the oldest kind of magic...just like using herbs, crystals, and essential oils with the same vibration as the conditions we want to create.  Where attention goes, energy flows.  What you focus on, so you become.

I was reading on Facebook yesterday that Facebook had conducted a secret social experiment which really pissed some people off.  It happened without their knowledge or permission, which I think is wrong, but the insight gleaned from this study is pretty eye-opening.  They controlled the amount of negative vs. positive posts in the news feed of two separate groups and observed the effect of the negative posts on the group that had increased negativity in their feed.  Their posts became increasingly negative, indicating that emotions are contagious.  

Now, I believe that the media has already known this for a long time.  It really makes you think twice about the constant barrage of negativity streaming through to us through the idiot box -- is this a form of social control?  Are our emotions being manipulated, and for what purpose?  What benefit would there be to the powers-that-be to keep us in a state of negativity?  Does it render us less likely to act?  Or is it that negativity is a lower vibration which makes us more easily manipulated?  Or do they want us to become so consumed with the anger at all the injustices, the sadness over the plights of so many unfortunates, that we are simply too distracted to notice what they don't want us to see?  I don't have the answer, but it's food for thought.

I just got done watching my dharma talk and I feel like I just dusted some cobwebs out of my mental attic.  A recurring theme in my tarot readings about my relationship with Ramiro is balance -- both with the Temperance card and the 2 of Pentacles.  The fact that he lives so far away is a benefit because I am less likely to become consumed in this relationship to the exclusion of my individuality.  I have enough healthy space and distance that I can keep my head clear and stay focused on my goals.  Sure, I get distracted from time to time and miss a couple days of yoga.  But I always find my way back to my path, which I have not been able to do in a relationship before, and I think I'm making progress.

In the dharma talk, the monk was saying that the buddhas and bodhisvattas shine on all of us indiscriminately.  They are like the moon, shining on every lake and pond.  The only difference lies in the actual ponds and how polluted they are.  Is the lake of your mind dirty?  Can you purify it?  If you can, you can reflect the light of the divine more clearly.  Anyone can do it, but no one can do it for you.  That's a message that has been popping up a lot around me lately -- no one can do it for you.  If you want something to change or to happen, you're the only one who can do that.

That's a big thing I struggle with.  I sit around waiting for things to happen.  I hope and wish and pray but I take no action, hoping things will just work themselves out and magically I'll be where I need to be.  I want to write, and I imagine that my novel will just write itself and come out on its own one day.  But if I keep thinking like that, it will never happen.  If I keep putting it off, it will remain in the future -- why not today?  Today could be my day.  Today IS my day.  After all, nothing has ever happened in the past and nothing will ever happen in the future -- NOW is the only time anything happens.

I'm reading Light on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali by B K S Iyengar.  I'm also still reading Women Who Run with the Wolves.  It reminds me of when I was a kid and would read multiple books at the same time :).  I'm really liking the yoga sutras, though.  I also bought the Bhagavad Gita and the Upanishads.  

When I was at Kasey's wedding, the pastor was talking about how it doesn't just end when you meet "The One", and they complete you and you both live happily ever after.  Because they can NOT complete you.  No one could ever love you enough to fill you up, and if you look to a relationship to add that missing piece, you will be disappointed.  He said a successful marriage is one with god at its center -- only god can fill you up.  Now, of course I'm not Christian (or really anything else, for that matter).  But I agree with this.  My spirituality, however you may define it, is the only thing that makes me feel whole.  If I abandon it for a relationship, thinking that relationship will be enough, it will not.  It is only with balance -- keeping my spiritual connection WHILE engaging in my relationship -- that I will be truly happy.

He can't be my hero.  I've got to be my own hero.  I don't look at god like some separate entity outside of myself but rather as a force within myself and everything else.  It is my recognition of that, devotion to the oneness of us all and respect for our collective divinity, that makes me "god-centered".  I don't worship some old man in the sky.  I honor the light in us all and aim to let love permeate everything I do on this planet...because we're all in it together.

This means hard work, like nothing I have ever done before.  Recognizing, analyzing, and releasing petty emotions like anger and fear.  Jealousy.  Dealing with my hurt and frustration in different ways.  Not blaming.  Relationships are HARD.  But this is some of the most transformative work I have ever done.