Hina

Oh my god I'm so depressed.  I was triggered straight from a euphoric sleepless mania into an immobilizing depression.  This is what I get for ignoring my intuition!  We always know that little voice is right.  But sometimes we want it to be wrong.  Maybe I just wanted to be in love, after all this time.  Maybe I didn't want to accept that this one ISN'T the one, because that means I'm alone again for an indefinite period of time which somehow sounds unbearable although the pain of being with someone who doesn't love you like you need them to is also suffering.

I've read the Yoga Sutras, the Bhagavad-Gita, and now I'm reading the Upanishads.  They teach, and I preach, about non-attachment.  I firmly believe we should not rely on anything outside of ourselves to fulfill us, yet here I am being put to the test.  I feel like I have LEARNED this lesson already, I already learned how to be happy alone and self-fulfilled, can't it be my time???  How much longer do I have to wait before I am allowed my soul-craving of a partner who sees me, who loves me, who accepts me?  When is it my turn to enjoy the companionship of another human soul who gets it, who listens to what I say, someone I can share my passions with?  Why am I here AGAIN???

And then comes acceptance, which is another lesson I thought I learned.  It isn't what I want it to be.  I can't make it BE what I want it to be.  Acceptance means acknowledging this, not necessarily staying and putting up with it.  You can't love someone for who you hope they could become, you have to either love and accept who they are at this very moment or walk away.  Why is it so hard for me to walk away?

This all probably sounds like nonsensical rambling.  I hate how when I get into a relationship, that's all I ever blog about.  It's like my entire personality, all of my interests, and every other activity is eclipsed by this relationship and all of me is erased by its existence.  Nothing remains but the me that is a half of a partnership.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I allow myself to be so consumed?  I know I said I wouldn't, and I thought I didn't.  But look how often I blog now.  And when I do, look what I talk about.  Is this really autonomy?  Where is CHRISTINE???

I had expectations.  I ignored my intuition.  I became attached.  Attachment led to desire, and now, I suffer.  Let me tell you about the quinceanera last night.  

Ramiro had told me he was serious about me, and he wanted to introduce me to his family.  I was scared, but yet I was also happy that he felt that way about me.  I found the perfect dress, he came and picked me up, he looked amazing.  He was saying stuff about how he wanted  to marry me, and he assured me he wouldn't leave my alone at the quince because he knew I wouldn't know anybody and didn't want me to feel awkward.

Well.  We got there, he didn't INTRODUCE me to anyone.  He left me sitting at the table with his cousin while he kept getting up to go talk to people, and I'd see them all look back at me, and then he'd come back.  So he told them about me, pointed me out to them, but there was never a, "This is my girlfriend Christine.  Christine, this is my Uncle."  I felt like an exhibit, and I was uncomfortable.  It didn't bother me so much that I was the only white girl and I don't speak Spanish well enough to keep up with all the conversation.  It was just how Ramiro made me feel.

He did teach me to dance, though, kind of.  And I had no idea what the hell I was doing, I stepped on his feet probably a hundred times, but I really had a lot of fun and it made me happy.  Plus, you can tell he loves dancing and he is very good at it.  It was nice to see him do something that made him happy, his confidence was so appealing.  He just took control, and he would lead, and I would follow, and I smiled a lot.  I got a little drunk, just enough to overcome my anxiety.  I was proud of myself because I ate in front of people, which freaks me out a LOT, and I also danced with him in front of all those people not even knowing what I was doing.  So, yay me.

Then we went back to the hotel, had sex and snuggled and that was all wonderful.  But in the morning, he was like a different person.  That ALWAYS seems to happen with him.  He's Prince Charming at night, then I wake up to the Ice King.  I would tell him I loved him, he wouldn't say it back unless I repeated myself, indicating that I expected a response.  He said something about how he used to be so excited about getting married but now he's been turned off from it and he doesn't think he needs to do that anymore (which completely contradicted what he had been saying the night before).

He didn't want to take a shower together like we used to, just asked if I wanted to go first or should he.  Then when I got upset, he said he was going to spend the night at my apartment with me tonight but then before it was  time to bring me home, he decided to bring his cousin too so he'd have company on the ride home.

So we got here, and the icing on the cake was that he gave me the worst kiss ever, like the kind of kiss your grandpa gives you, and when I said I love you he said NOTHING.  Then he said he'd text me when he got home.  I understand, his cousin was in the back seat.  You can't walk me in, and kiss me like a man kisses the woman he loves?  You can't tell me you love me? 

I guess the worst part is, as I psychoanalyze myself with tears running down my face, I am mad because I am settling for him and making the best out of a relationship that doesn't fit my description of ideal.  I'm giving my all to him even though he's not everything I wanted.  So WHY CAN'T HE DO THAT FOR ME????  I feel like, I'm making myself be happy with YOU, why can't you do the same for me?  

It's like he thinks I can't get anyone else, and that I should feel lucky that he's choosing me when he has so many other options.  The thing is, I have other options too.  I get plenty of attention.  I just don't talk about it all the time because it's disrespectful.  But it makes me angry that he almost feels like he's doing me a favor and that I can't go anywhere.  I could.  I just don't want to.  But the longer I don't, the more I start to wonder WHY?????