Airmid

This is the most perfect goddess for today.  This is Airmid, the Celtic goddess of the healing arts.  I also thought the picture was beautiful.

So, it's been about two weeks since I last posted, and a lot has happened in that time.  My cable was shut off...ha!  I get free cable, and it was shut off!  I had like $40 in pay per view movies I got for the kids, and it was delinquent.  Poor financial planning on my part.

Had I broken up with Ramiro yet the last time I posted?  We broke up the day after the quinceanera.  And guess what?  It didn't really hurt.  I made HIM do it, though, and I think that's why it was so easy for me.  The last time, when I dumped HIM, I second-guessed myself and I thought I made a mistake and I thought I missed him and I begged for him back.  This time, he texted me and said since I'm never moving to Goshen, maybe I'm right and maybe we should break up because he needs to be with somebody he can see every day.  And I was like, meh.  Okay.  I don't even know why I was still holding on at that point anyway.  He had no passion for me.

I knew I had to let go of the bad to find something better.  I envisioned and dreamed of what I long for, that spark, that connection, that mutual understanding.  That saying the same thing at the same time, that feeling of "ME TOO!" when you identify so much with what the other person thinks and feels.  Now, I met this girl Shana on planet earth singles (a conscious dating site) and I thought maybe it would be her.  I mean, we have a lot in common.  We have very similar viewpoints and passions.  She's only 25, though, lives with her parents and doesn't drive.  And doesn't have a job.  Hmmmm.  But hey, that's all judgement, right?  It has nothing to do with who she is as a person.

Except maybe it does.  Now, I'm not judging, I've been there before.  But I'm not in that place anymore, and I think that as I evolved as a person inside, my external circumstances began to reflect that.  Maybe we are not, in fact, vibrating at the same frequency.  I made a mistake last weekend and cancelled a date I was supposed to have with her, but I think all worked out for the best in the end.

I went to hang out with a friend I haven't seen in 5 years because he was with this insecure woman who wouldn't let him talk to me because we dated once, like 9 years ago, for about 3 months.  Yeah, for real.  Well maybe she was right not to trust him with me, because while I have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever, he apparently sees me as more than a friend.

I got so drunk.  Like, way more drunk than was necessary or advisable.  I just kept drinking.  And drinking.  And drinking.  I had just broken up with Ramiro, which in itself wasn't so bad.  But I felt alone.  Also, on my way to Jason's house, I got lost and my phone was dead so I had no GPS or way to call anyone.  I almost got stuck in a 2 track, dented my car on a tree trying to back out, stopped at two creepy houses to ask directions and no one was home.  I finally found a kid on a golf cart who directed me back to town, where I ran into Jason and followed him back.

So I was ready to get fucked up.  This guy who was there -- no, this KID (I found out later he was only 19) -- was flirting with me at first.  No big deal.  But the more I drank, the more bold he got.  I told him nicely that he was in my bubble.  I kept moving away every time he touched my ass.  At first it was flattering, I'm not going to lie.  He was a good looking guy, but I wasn't interested.  After a while, it started to get annoying.  Especially when he kept following me around, and started grabbing my crotch.  Yeah, for real.  Just putting his hand between my legs and shit.  So I told Jason I wanted to go to bed, and I laid down, and this dude comes in and lays RIGHT NEXT TO ME and KISSES me.  

I didn't kiss him back, it must have been like kissing a corpse.  Then he said, "I'm really into you".  I said, "Oh my god, this is not the time for this.  I am so drunk."  He said, "Well I just wanted to tell you I'm really into you."  I said, "I don't even know what to say right now.  That's sweet of you."  Then Jason came in, this dude left, and I was faced with a whole other predicament.

First of all, he offered me cocaine.  I don't know if you know, but it's been 16 months.  I fought so hard against that demon.  Secondly, he got into bed and he was all touching on me and shit.  Now, I'm not going to make him look like the bad guy here.  I didn't say no.  I didn't say yes.  I didn't say anything.  I didn't want to, but I was so drunk and didn't want to waste the energy to figure out how to get out of that situation without awkwardness, so I just let it happen.  I felt so uncomfortable, so gross.  Not because I felt like I was sinning or anything, but because I have absolutely zero attraction for him.  

When I see a guy as a friend, that's it.  I don't fuck my friends.  I feel a family type feeling toward them, and the thought of physical intimacy makes me feel sick.  I felt that way about Brian even when I was married to him.  I did date Jason once, yes, and we slept together and I never felt weird.  But the vibe has changed, and this time it felt like torture.  I was so grossed out.  I would rather have fucked some random stranger.  I would rather fuck a fat, ugly, OLD random stranger than a guy friend, who in my mind is the same as a family member.

So now I feel awkward and I have been ignoring his calls.  Besides that, and here's some real truth, I have not stopped thinking about cocaine since that night and it was a week ago and I just fear I'm not strong enough to put myself in that situation.  I think that would just be asking for trouble, and I've come so far.

I know I've been talking a long time.  Next time I will tell you about this guy I'm talking to now, who knows where it's going, maybe he'll end up being just a friend.  But he is a yoga instructor, was a vocalist in a band, reads tarot, does reiki, and loves to read.  Like, YEAH.  For real!!!!!  How crazy?????