Three of Cups

Today was going to be the 9 of Swords, but as I looked through my posts, I noticed that most of the cards I use are swords.  Well, it has been an emotionally challenging time, so it doesn't surprise me.  However, I decided to focus on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative.  Instead, I chose the 3 of Cups.  It fits quite well, too, considering last night.

While I was at the library, I got a text from Juliea.  She must have sensed my distress or intuitively known that I just needed somebody, yesterday of all days.  She said we needed to get together soon to go over a birth plan and stuff, so I asked what she was doing later and we made an appointment for 8.  I was barely hanging on by a thread, which I'm sure was pretty clear.  I got to her office downtown, which is just the coziest, most welcoming, relaxing place ever.  The lights were dim, The Doors and Janis Joplin were playing quietly in the background, and we sat in a warm room with comfy pillows to chat.  She had her apprentice with her and we started talking about everything that was going on.  Once again, I was touched by how supportive she is, and the sister circle as a whole. 

She offered to help me with the little entrustment ceremony at the hospital, which I greatly appreciated.  She knows me well enough that I trust she'll design something totally fabulous.  I was going to do it myself, but inspiration eludes me lately and although I had an idea of how I wanted it to go, I was at a loss for exactly how to get there.  She said she is going to make me some labor tea which I can freeze and bring with me to the hospital.  She told me to call them when I am in labor and they will stay with me until about an hour after the birth.  She also suggested bringing an empowering picture to look at, and I thought of one taken one Christmas of my son and my daughter hugging.  It feels good to have some kind of a plan in the works, especially considering that I could go into labor at any time.  I am comforted to know that I will be ready.  Well...as ready as I CAN be.

She and her apprentice did some reiki/guided meditation/massage thing for me which helped me calm and center and release a lot of pain that I was carrying inside.  I honestly felt about fifty pounds lighter when they were finished.  It was almost as if it opened the floodgates, though -- I've been burying so much so deep that all these dark emotions have been pouring out of me since.  I can't contain my tears.  It's a healthy release, though -- I'm not feeling sorry for myself, or beating myself up, or dwelling on things in the past that I can't change.  I'm letting go, I'm acknowledging all the feelings, honoring them, and releasing them.  This is kind of a process and today was as hard as yesterday, but in a different way.  I know I'm on the healing path.  This part just really sucks.  Now that I see things as they really are, as they really WERE, and viewing everything through a different lens...well, it is taking some adjustment.  I have a new understanding, another puzzle piece to add clarity to the chaos that has been my life, and while everything makes more sense, the truth does hurt.  It's necessary, though.

I think the biggest thing I need to remember is not to feel the need to place blame.  Everyone made mistakes.  Everyone is lovable.  Nothing is all good or all bad, we are continually evolving and each choice makes up a part of who we are -- but regardless of the type of choices we have made in the past, we are always capable of making different ones.  I think it's a bad habit of mine to look at a situation and label one person the villain and the other the hero.  In life, it isn't like that.  That's why I rejected Christianity, in part -- there is truly no absolute good and absolute evil.  When a problem arises, everyone involved has made mistakes.  I have made mistakes, but that doesn't make this all my fault.  He made mistakes, but that doesn't make me blameless.  I also need to remember that when people lash out or hurt you, their actions come from a place of their own pain.  It doesn't mean anything about who you are, it says more about who THEY are and what they are going through.  To get angry at people for the way they cope with their problems only adds fuel to the fire.  If someone wants to hurt me because they are hurt, they are already suffering enough and there isn't any need for me to add to it.  I know who I am and what I'm about, and I don't need validation or acceptance from anyone.

ANYway, the Three of Cups is about sisterhood.  I told you it fit, right?  The support of fellow females, celebration.  Sure, it doesn't seem like there is ANYTHING to celebrate in my life right now, but I just need to put it in a different perspective.  The truth HAS set me free.  It does hurt, but I can still celebrate this new phase of my journey and look forward to the happiness that waits for me.