7 of Swords

The sword stealer.  Now it all makes sense.

I have had the worst day ever in history.  If it weren't for my children, I don't think I'd have the strength to stay afloat.  Sometimes you think about how you'd handle a certain situation, and you tell yourself you just wouldn't be strong enough.  Well guess what -- sometimes you have no choice.  Sometimes the things that you imagine would destroy you DON'T -- because, after all, what option do you have?  You have to keep smiling through the pain. You have to keep fighting despite the wounds.  You have to keep standing, falling, and getting back up until your very last breath.  They say life doesn't give you more than you can handle -- lately I'm thinking someone gave me way too much credit, because I surely couldn't handle much more.  Somehow, I am still surviving.

I woke up this morning and couldn't stop throwing up.  I thought maybe something was wrong with the baby and I went to the ER.  They did some labs and everything came back fine.  I believe it's psychosomatic -- my body is having a physical reaction to all the stress that has hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am defeated.  I am humiliated.  I am broken.  My body is rebelling.

While I was at the ER, I had a nice chat with the detective.  I was honest about everything, because supposedly the truth will set you free.  Right?  Well, I learned some very devastating and shameful things.  I look so stupid.  The joke is totally on me. 

I don't care what anyone else thinks, the honest to god swear on the lives of my children cross my heart and hope to die truth is, when I was with him, I thought I was the only one.  Why would I settle for being the "other woman"?  Why would I knowingly stay in a relationship with someone if I had to share him?  After all, how many times did he tell me if he ever caught me with another man, there would be hell to pay?  It didn't matter, because there WERE no other men.  Apparently, everyone knew but me that I WAS the other woman.  Now, his sister had posted something about how "if you're the side bitch, you have no business asking the front bitch any questions, if you're the other bitch, you have no business catching main bitch emotions..." blah blah blah.  I know it was directed at me, and I wanted to say something to her but I don't want any more conflict, any more fighting, any more negativity.  I don't owe anyone an explanation.  The truth, as stupid as it makes me look, is that I THOUGHT I was the ONLY "bitch".  Why?  Because he let me believe that!  So, if you think you ARE the only woman, of course you're going to expect to be treated that way!  Of course you're going to catch all the emotions that come along with the role that you think you are playing.  If, in the end, it turns out that you were just a woman on the side...how can anyone blame you for acting as if you weren't?  She may be okay with sharing, but I don't think ANY man is special enough to be worth having even if he can't be all mine.  She may have known the whole time and been okay with it, but if I had known the truth, it wouldn't have been good enough for me.  It wouldn't have been an arrangement I would have agreed with.  In order for you to expect someone to accept certain circumstances, you have to be honest with them about what the circumstances really ARE. 

Okay but intuitively, I knew this.  I kept trying to get him to admit it, but he stubbornly refused.  Every time I would do a tarot reading, the 7 of swords would appear -- the sword stealer.  It indicates that someone is getting over on you, pulling the wool over your eyes, betraying you behind your back.  Concealing the truth.  Stealing your trust.  I had a feeling that this is what it meant, but he always had some lame explanation for why that card would show up.  Many times, he tried to turn it around on ME, implying that I was betraying HIM.  What I don't get is, how could he expect my complete devotion when he could not give me his?  How could he have had the nerve to threaten to break my jaw if I ever had another man when he had another woman the whole time?  How can you expect something from someone that you can't give?

When he was still living with her, I really thought nothing was going on between them.  Apparently, they have told the detective that the THREE of us were together.  What???  It was my understanding that they lived in the same house, but their relationship was over, and he was with me.  Why would I think that?  Well, because he told me so.  I know, I know -- if he told me to jump off a bridge...

Well, I probably would have.  I have paid the ultimate price for my stupidity.  I am ashamed and wounded.  Everything I thought we had, when I thought things were good -- it was ALL an illusion.  It was NEVER good.  The happiness I thought I had was based on a big lie.  The relationship I cherished at one time never really existed at all, except in my mind.

I can't begin to fathom why she would accept that from him.  Why that would be okay with her.  What has he done that was so great that he deserves her devotion even after doing whatever -- and WHOever -- he wants?  He's not that special.  She's not ugly, it's not like she HAS to be so desperate as to settle for someone who refuses to commit.  She deserves fidelity as much as anyone.  And so do I!  Why didn't anyone tell me???  She might be perfectly content having a relationship with someone who will never belong to her, but didn't she ever consider that I might want something more?  Why did everyone let me sit there and look like a total fool?  She can't have been happy about it.  I saw her pain and sadness.  I know she didn't like it that he was with me.  I may not have realized that he was ALSO with her, but even if that was the case -- if you're so unhappy, WHY? 

I do believe in karma.  And although I can say that I'm not responsible because I didn't know, and who can blame me for believing what he told me, a part of me DID know.  I should never have been a party to hurting another human being -- another woman -- the way that I did.  Now I know that if it hadn't been me, it would have been somebody else.  But it WAS me.  Yes, he was responsible for his actions.  He was the one breaking his vows.  But I should have respected my fellow female and refused to allow him to be in my life unless he was divorced.  I should have never crossed the boundaries of a married relationship based on his word alone.  I should have stood my ground, no matter WHAT he told me, and refused to be intimate in any way with someone who already had a commitment to someone else.  And I believe that this is a big part of why I suffer now.  I didn't know he was married at first, and I can't be blamed for what I legitimately didn't know.  But once I found out, the responsibility became mine to do the right thing and I failed.  Now I pay.

The detective asked me if I want him to go to prison for what he did.  Prison???  What?  Through my tears of sorrow and shame, I told him that I don't want to hurt N, get revenge, or get back at him.  All I want is for him to leave me alone.  I don't want to punish him for what he did, I just want him out of my life.  Especially knowing what I know now -- if your wife is sticking by your side after all this, you surely don't deserve her.  And you should realize that you're a lucky son of a bitch who should treat her like gold.  I'm not saying a woman SHOULD put up with this, or that she should be commended for doing so.  I'm not saying it makes her look smart, or that she has any self-respect.  BUT, if she chooses for some hare-brained reason to be your doormat, you should at least try to be decent to her! 

He needs to focus on his family, and I need to wait for the one who will bring my happiness.  This pain is so great, but it's better to know now than never at all.  Everybody can laugh now.  The past year of my life has been a big fucking joke.  Ha, ha.