Yup, I'm still here. I'm due next Saturday, but I'm hoping to have the baby before then. I can't sleep anymore, I saw a new stretch mark, and this acid reflux is WICKED! I wouldn't be surprised if my baby has a full head of hair. I eat at least 15 Tums a day. Actually, I got this really disgusting cheap off-brand from Family Dollar and I think they're defective. They don't seem to do anything at all...why couldn't I have splurged and spent two extra dollars? Oh well.
I have had a mind full of ideas and wanted desperately to post, but a few of the past nights I've been so crampy that I was sure I was about to go into labor any time. Even though I didn't, it's still good that I didn't come to the library. I wouldn't have been comfortable sitting in one of these chairs.
Sooooooooooo, I'm kind of talking to someone now. :) I don't really know why I put the smiley face. For one, I'm not trying to rush right into a relationship. I don't even want to meet in person for a while. Secondly, I talked to him on the phone the other night and something seems not quite right. It could be that I'm just not ready to talk to anyone yet and no matter who it is, I would find something wrong with them because I need more time. Still, though...he seems too persistent. This is how it went down: I was on the dating site, mostly out of boredom.
I feel like I'm cut off from most of adult civilization. The adults I DO socialize with are all coupled up, and while I'm in no hurry to become half of a couple (I am actually quite enjoying my singlehood -- I do what I want, when I want, and that suits me just fine.) I DO get kind of lonely sometimes. I want SOME level of flirtatious companionship but for obvious reasons, I can't really start chatting guys up at a bar and then leave when I've satisfied my need for romantic stimulation. It's like I'm a leper -- this huge pregnant belly is the best man-repellent there is. Not that I'm complaining -- it's nice to have a break from stupid pick-up lines and insulting comments. Okay, that came out wrong. I'm not saying that in my pre-pregnancy days men were chasing me down at every corner and I had to beat them off with a stick. It's just that I'm a private individual, socially awkward, not very comfortable talking to people until I am very comfortable with them. So even if I was only approached a few times a week, it made me every uncomfortable and I'm glad that it's something I don't have to deal with right now. I do have days that I think I look pretty good, but I think even on those days that a man wouldn't dare hit on a girl who is as obviously pregnant as myself for fear that the baby daddy is a few steps behind, prepared to beat his ass. :)
Wow, this post is going a thousand directions at the same time...that's the beauty of ADD. ANYway, I was on the dating site. First, I was talking to one guy who was pretty decent looking. He had a picture with his shirt off...a tattoo on his chest...we started talking. Then, wait a second...is that a Latin King tattoo? It sure is. I decided not to go down that road. I started talking to this other guy, a barber who lives in Holland. He types in all caps, which is really annoying. He complimented my hair and said it looked really healthy, which I guess is a good compliment when it comes from a barber. I don't know. Anyway, I gave him my number so he could text me. TEXT me. That night at about 11:30, I'm doing my usual tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable in bed. My phone rings. I answered it, I don't know why -- I always regret answering phone calls from numbers I don't recognize. Anyway, it was him. He had a lot of energy, talked really fast -- he was very friendly, but a little...MUCH. At least there were no awkward silences, although I couldn't really get a word in edgewise. I remember thinking, this guy is definitely a fire sign. I'll have to check his profile when we're done talking. (And I did, and he is -- an Aries, at that!) I didn't really get the impression that he cared about anything I had to say, or even heard it. Is that how people feel when they talk to me? I think, when I was talking, he was just planning what he was going to say next. It was a little overwhelming. On top of all that, he started making plans right off the bat for where we can hang out. He comes to the mall often, we can hang out there. This is where we can go, this is what we can do. These are the days we can do it. Yeah! That would be so perfect! And you'll probably meet my sister, and my mom (WHAAAAAAT?).
My head was spinning. Oh yeah, and he loves to brag about himself. I know it's a sign of insecurity, but I couldn't care less about what type of clothes you wear or how much you spent on cologne or how many pairs of shoes you have. I know that impresses some girls, but I was very bored with that whole line of conversation. Do you really think material things are what I'm interested in? I would have been much more impressed if he was bragging about the places he volunteers or the charities he donates to, something good-hearted and selfless. Something that indicated the size of his soul, not the size of his wallet.
We ended the call, I was polite enough, and he left it open for me to call HIM. He said, "Well, you have my number if you want to call me sometime." Yup. And I didn't. That's a hint, right? On Valentine's day, he messaged me and I messaged back. Yesterday he messaged me "Miss ya voice" and I decided I would just tell him about being pregnant and he'd go running for the hills. So I told him, and he's still interested. I mean, don't get me wrong -- I know I made him sound really bad, and he's actually a very positive, upbeat, good-looking, friendly guy. So what the hell is my problem??? Well, if he's so great, why is he so into me so soon? It's almost like he's desperate. Why would he be desperate unless something is wrong with him? *sighhhhhhhhhhhhh* I think I need a longer break from this shit.
Okay, so what else...I met with my doula the other night (Wednesday) after my OB appointment. It was a very great meeting, she gave me some labor tea, gave the adoptive couple some information, and went over the birth plan. It was a very good vibe, a very good feeling, and as we all discussed things my mind was very much put at ease that this is definitely the right decision. They've been going to meetings and doing research and really WANT to do this the best possible way so she will grow up to be as happy, healthy, and well-adjusted as possible. I know she'll be in great hands and it makes me feel so much more peaceful about everything. They even went to a multi-cultural support group thingy to help prepare them for raising a child from another culture, even though she's only half Mexican. They want to learn about the part of Mexico his family is from and Mexican culture in general so they can share that with her as she gets older. I like that they want to keep her in touch with her roots.
It makes me sad that he had to mess things up so bad recently. I wanted to have a picture with her, the three of us, so she could know what he looks like too. And know that we both loved her and wanted the best for her. I wanted him to be able to say goodbye at the hospital, like I will be able to. But how can I give that opportunity to someone who just slashed my tires? He's a dangerous man, there's no predicting how he might behave at the hospital. But no matter how much of a douchebag he is, it makes me really sad because I know this will be hard for him too and I wish I could do something to make it easier. I wish he hadn't made it impossible to include him in the process. It is what it is, though. I can only be responsible for me -- the way other people act is beyond my control. He has his own lessons to learn and his own path to walk.
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