This stupid old man just threw off my entire train of thought. I'm so irritated! Okay, so I just got to the library. We had a bunch of books and movies to return, so we were putting them in the return slot which is clearly labeled, "One item at a time". My son is six years old and none too speedy, but he wanted to put the books in the slot so I let him do it. He wasn't hurting anything. I noticed that there was a guy waiting behind us, he was like 150 years old. I told my son to go a little faster because someone was waiting. He was putting the last book in the slot and the rude jerk reached OVER him to put HIS book in at the same time. I said, "You could have waited a second!" and he replied, "You didn't have to go so slow." I was amazed at what an asshole this guy was, because seriously -- my son is SIX. And I HIGHLY doubt he had a hot date or anything. I told him to kiss my ass and he said, "It's big enough!" Well DAMN dude, I am 41 weeks pregnant today! It is my m*$#@!f*&%$ng due date, so kindly FUCK OFF!!!!
It is hard to remain in a peaceful mindset after dealing with idiots. The past few days haven't been very easy for me and it just seems like I continue to be tested. I've been so distracted at work from the excruciating back pain and the drama that was going on with N and thinking about the adoption that my audit scores went from a 98.8 to a 97.15. That may not SOUND like a lot, but it's terrible. I'm doing stupid things, like forgetting to sign and date contracts. I don't even know if I'm going to have a job to come back to -- it isn't guaranteed -- so I'm stressing out about that, too. I feel like there's way too much going on and I'm in way over my head, I never manage to get caught up.
Yes, I have my family to help, but it's not the same as having a partner. If my sister ran out of gas, she would only have to call her husband and he would help her. If he were sick, she could handle the housework and keep everything afloat so he could recover. If my brother's wife had a giant belly and had trouble putting on her socks and shoes, my brother would be right there to help her do it. For me, it doesn't matter if I'm tired, depressed, hurting -- I have to do it all by myself. I have one income and one car and one set of hands. I have no one to talk to and no one to laugh with to take my mind off of everything, no one who is just THERE. I hate being alone. I could be angry with N for robbing me of the opportunity to have everything I ever dreamed of, everything I THOUGHT I would have with him but he KNEW he would never be able to give me. But really, is it his fault? As soon as I realized she was living with him and he didn't seem to have any intention to leave, that was my first opportunity to start over and go look for what I really want. I didn't. I'M the one who wasted all that time, time that could have been spent finding the right one. Instead I buried my head in the sand and pretended that one day magically this ugly stupid toad would turn into my prince charming. Yeah, right. He just got uglier and stupider.
I just need to breathe. Life sucks sometimes, but it can't suck forever. I got a couple of magazines and some posterboard so I can make a dream board today. That's where you put images that symbolize things you want to manifest in your life, and you meditate on the collage daily to attract those things into your life. I made one before, and almost everything I had glued to that posterboard made its way into my life. Unfortunately, the Ford Fusion never materialized. I guess I didn't have enough power for that one. But, I got a job, I found love (my fault that I didn't specify LASTING love), and I lost weight. Where attention goes, energy flows!
I hate my new apartment. It smells funny and I'm not sure why -- it's an old person smell, like mothballs or something. It's tiny and it's hot and it has this vibe about it that makes me feel depressed. I REALLY need to do something about saving money and finding some place to go. This program only goes six months, putting me to about June. Then, I'm back at square one. It's been hard to plan for the future when I have so many pressing issues to attend to right now. See what I mean about feeling like I'm drowning? It's no wonder I'm snapping at random old men at the library.
Besides, I am very well aware that there is no way I can prepare myself for how hard it is going to be to give birth to a baby -- my own flesh and blood, made by MY body (with a tiny bit of help from him, but not much...all he contributed was a little sperm, MY heart pumped blood into her veins, MY body created a placenta through which she received nourishment that I provided, through ME she ate and breathed and survived). She knows my heartbeat, and my voice, and I will be responsible for separating her from me. Hell, it's not even just that -- she still won't be capable of recognizing that I even AM a separate entity from her. To her newborn understanding, we are the same person. How does it feel to be separate from yourself?
She won't be capable of understanding why it was for the best for quite some time to come. It will be years before she can accept the whys and hows of my decision, and in the meantime, how will she feel? It's not like there's anything I can really do about it. I can feel angry, I can feel helpless, I can feel sad. Nothing changes. To people on the outside, it's so simple. You have a baby you can't take care of, they have the means to take care of a baby, bada bing! You have a baby, they want a baby, problem solved. But babies are not meant to be traded and interchanged like outfits! They don't just go with any set of parents, they were custom designed for ONE SPECIFIC SET. My milk will be tailored to her exact nutritional needs. She will respond to my scent, my sound, my touch. A baby is not just a three prong plug that will fit the same into any three prong hole -- a baby is like a special key, designed to work with just one lock. It doesn't matter that it isn't my fault or isn't what I would choose, the fact is that she's innocent and she will suffer because I didn't make better decisions. Well, her father can share the blame with me on that one. What the hell was he thinking, trying to get another girl pregnant while he's married? Didn't HE ever consider the trauma the child would endure? Did he care? How reckless to intentionally create a life that you are in no position to raise properly! How selfish. How thoughtless. His lack of feelings and my lack of sense were a deadly combination, but look who pays the price now. It hardly seems fair, does it? But again, life isn't fair.
I know I'm going to absolutely lose my mind doing this. I know that I will never be the same. I know that something inside me will break. Sometimes I really wish life had a rewind button.
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