Okay, first of all, GROSS. I am SO SICK of my daughter's dad making sexual comments to me, it makes me want to vomit!!! Yes, I realize that (somehow) at one point I was not repulsed by the thought of sexual contact with him, but it has been EIGHT YEARS! First of all, get over it. Secondly, have some respect for me -- it makes me very uncomfortable and he should be more considerate. Third, GROSS!!!!!
It's weird to me to think that at some point, I will think of N in the same way. It's encouraging, though. I hear these sad songs that make me miss him, and I remember that the same songs made me miss my last ex when I heard them. Now, when I think of my last ex, I am indifferent. I think it's a survival skill that I developed over the years -- shut off the feelings, shut off the attraction, it's like we never were. The only problem is, I have no control over when it happens. I wish I could avoid this phase altogether -- the tearful nights, the fighting the urge to call or text, the stupid reminiscing, the loneliness. The only thing that keeps me strong is knowing at the end of this, I will feel nothing. I think it's horrible that a person who cares nothing for you can make you bond to him so intensely. It doesn't seem fair that it's possible to fall hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't give a shit about you. Oh well, who ever said life was fair, right?
So, I went to the midwife last night. I have gained 46 pounds!!!! OH MY GODDESS. I'm not surprised, though. I was doing so well for so long -- whole grains, fruits, yogurt, and vegetables. Somewhere along the way, discipline and self-control went out the window. I'm not surprised I've gained so much -- look in my car! You'll see Hostess cupcake wrappers, Wendy's bags, soda cans, sucker sticks, Taco Bell cups...ugh. I did cry about it, but that obviously doesn't change anything. The only thing I can do is make better choices moving forward, so today I did. I'm going to keep it up! Besides, I don't think I look terrible with a couple extra pounds on me. I can't wait to start working out again though so I can at least tighten up. I'm dreading the after-baby belly, but luckily I will have a few months before skimpy clothes season is upon me again.
Wow, I don't really know what to talk about. That's a first, right? I guess I'm still a little depressed, and I haven't really been DOING much, so there isn't much to talk about. I've been reading, working, and sleeping. That's it. I deleted from the dating site because I don't think I'm going to find what I'm looking for there, and I'm not sure if I'm ready. Besides, why rush to get into another relationship? My kids deserve to be in the spotlight for a little longer, even if I AM lonely. There are men who prey on lonely women and that's not a place I really want to go right now either. I think that barber guy, we'll call him "D", made me realize that. I'm going to respect my intuition this time and not pursue anything with him, because his persistence really made me wary.
Who is that persistent with a woman who is 9 months pregnant? It's not even flattering because he doesn't know enough about me to warrant being SO interested. There are plenty of fish in the sea, as they say, and I know there's nothing that special about me -- so it must be something wrong with him. Or maybe he senses that I'm vulnerable and wants to exploit it. No thank you. I should probably stick with my original plan and date women only from now on -- I just don't think I'll ever be able to trust a man again. Besides, women are so much better looking. :)
Well, I need to get some ice cube trays so I can make my labor tea and freeze it. I also need to get some money orders to pay my rent, and some evening primrose capsules as recommended by my doula to help ripen my cervix. So, I bid you adieu!
Oh, the 4 of swords -- I chose it because this is a time of rest and recovery for me after my recent emotional wounds. A time to pause and heal, like I was talking about earlier, before moving forward. After all, what else have I got to do right now? :)
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