27 Weeks

I should have peed before I started writing this.  The doctors tell me to "push the water", but how will I possibly make time to pee even MORE than I do now???  I did it before I left work, drove to the library, and now I have to go again.  GRRRR!  Well, I'm going to just hold it and write this post.

The baby can see now, she's about 2 pounds, and moves around quite a bit.  I've noticed she doesn't really get active until after noon -- maybe she likes to sleep in.  As for myself, I've been eating much better but I still feel as if I'm expanding daily.  My upper thighs are starting to rub together now and it's really uncomfortable.  I really hope I don't have to struggle too much to lose the weight I'm gaining.  This week, breakfast is whole grain oatmeal mixed with Greek yogurt; I have Luna bars, Greek yogurt bars, and almonds for snacks; lunch is veggies, hummus, multi-grain pita chips, an apple or banana, and a Vitamin Water; and for dinner I try to find something healthy to eat.  The past three nights in a row, it's been a turkey sandwich because of Thanksgiving leftovers.  I think tonight I'll have something different.

All this talk about food is making my tummy rumble!  Speaking of my stomach, I notice that I've been getting a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions lately.  They don't hurt, but my whole stomach tightens up and gets rock hard.  I can't even bend at the waist when I'm having one and they feel really strange.  I'm sure this happened with my other two kids, but because I didn't know to expect them or understand what was happening when I had them, I didn't really take special notice.

Work is going really well.  I had a very frustrating day yesterday because I had forgotten everything I learned over the four day weekend.  I found my groove, though, and today was smooth sailing.  Three of my contracts got audited and I got 100% on two of them, 92% on the third.  I'll take it.  :)

Friday night, my starter went out.  At first I thought that my battery was dead and that I needed a jump, but when I finally found someone with jumper cables, I learned that it was not  the battery but the starter.  And you know, I never had any intention of seeing N again.  Earlier that day, I had taken my son to the movies and N showed up while we were playing in the arcade afterward.  It was a little awkward and I was worried about how my son would react, but for some reason he was overjoyed to see N.  I just played it cool and everything seemed to go fine, but I wasn't sure how this was going to impact my non-relationship with N.  Nothing had changed.

I'm big on interpreting the underlying messages of things that happen, of searching for some hidden meaning in the seemingly random events of our lives.  When my car broke down later that night, who was there for me?  He was -- and without complaint, expectation, or guilt trip.  I was completely broke because I had just paid a $222 fine to reinstate my license.  He covered everything, found a mechanic, and had it fixed in time for me to go to work on Monday.  Why???  I kept asking him why he would do that, and he said it was because he loves me.  I don't understand, though, how that could be true considering the lying and cheating that went on while we were together.  However, he didn't have to do any of that stuff, and I sure wouldn't do it for someone I didn't care about.  So I'm struggling to interpret what this could all mean.  It's hard to say that he DOESN'T love me, but it's hard to believe that he DOES.

I'm having similar contradictions in my mind when it comes to the baby.  I'm running out of time, and she won't just stay in there until I decide!  Bottom line, I can't see myself raising her and I can't see myself giving her up.  Both choices seem wrong now.  What happened?  I was so sure.  I was so convicted.  To be honest, I do still feel like adoption would be best for her.  I just don't know if I'm strong enough.  This is terrible!  I need to stop being so selfish.  I feel like I'm only thinking of myself and that's not fair at all.  After all, my daughter is with her dad and my son is with my brother.  Do I really think I can do any better with this one?

But reading all these stupid facts about newborns is getting me sentimental.  The baby knows the mother's scent and voice when she is born.  Will it be traumatizing to rip her from the only familiar person she has bonded to and place her in strange and unfamiliar territory?  I'm not sure if this last-minute hesitation is an indication that I should keep her, or just my hormones clouding my better judgement.  I need HELP!!!!!

STRENGTH

Strength is the perfect card for me.  Upon first glance, one might assume that the meaning is basic and refers only to the ability to be strong.  They may infer that it deals with mental fortitude, emotional strength, or physical prowess.  While these characteristics can sometimes play a part in the interpretation of this card, the meaning actually goes a lot deeper than one may realize.  It isn't about the ability to control anything through force or domination.  It's about a deeper strength, the realization that TRUE strength sometimes lies in patience and restraint.  It's about controlling your circumstances without BEING controlling.  My explanations always seem to fall short, though, because while I can FEEL the meaning of the cards, I still don't feel like I can accurately translate the inner understanding into words that seem adequate.  Since this card is so important to my current circumstances, I'm going to copy and paste part of Keen's profile of the Strength card.

"The Strength card is one of the most sophisticated cards in the Tarot deck, representing a higher level of consciousness that takes responsibility in order to master yourself and your world...You are in the midst of getting to know how to rule your world. You are not domineering in this control. Strength is a card that exerts its control through understanding and cooperation. You are in charge, but others do your bidding because you have made it worth their while and created a joyful context in which all of you interact.

The blessing this card brings in the future position is the reassurance that whatever is pestering you in life now will soon come under your control. Strength in the future position represents a loving dominance of circumstances that may seem beyond your power at the moment. Longtime challenges will be met and mastered if you keep with the path indicated by the cards leading up to Strength. The best part of this card is learned in getting to know and appreciate yourself – the woman in the Strength card has the animal under control, but it is the look of peace upon the lion that gives this card its greatest possibilities. There is no leash or shackle on the king of the beasts – your peacefulness and self-acceptance will arrive because you will see yourself as the world views you."

Pretty neat, huh?   It, to me, is the next logical step in my current life after attaining the inner wisdom of the High Priestess.  With that wisdom, I can make the right choices for my life.  Knowing that what is best is not always easy and having the patience and faith to wait for my responsibility to pay off takes a certain kind of strength, indeed.  Especially when it is so tempting to take the easy way out, to go down roads that I know lead nowhere, to look for a "quick fix".  For example, I have been lonely many nights.  I have cried and felt empty with no companion by my side.  My initial impulse was always to call N, to come crawling back like I've always done.  But I knew what  the result of that choice would be, so I summoned forth the inner strength required to stay the course and keep him out of my life.  Now, my life is becoming so beautiful that there is absolutely no chance in the world that I would throw it away for him. 

Today, I found out that I got approved for Project HEAL.  I will have an apartment for up to six months and pay 30% of my income toward rent.  The apartment is for myself and my children ONLY.  Counseling is provided, they offer guidance toward self-sufficiency and connections to resources, and they have rules.  Rules are just what I need right now.  Strange, isn't it?  I couldn't wait to turn 18 so I could do whatever I wanted and have NO rules, only to find myself craving some kind of structure.  Well, let's face it -- we all know what happens when I play by MY rules.

So, this is very off-topic, but I think my new healthy diet is disagreeing with my digestive system.  I feel nauseated and I have the worst gas EVER.  I can't think of any time in my life when I have ever experienced a problem like this.  I know that's probably too much information, but it's the truth!  Another weird thing is that my feet have been sweating.  It's cold outside, too.  I don't get it. 

There is a selfish part of me that wants to keep this baby, but I do feel inside that adoption is the right choice for her.  It's a little awkward when people I'm not close enough to to want to share the intimate details of my life ask things like, "Do you have any names picked out yet?"  I mean, I don't feel like it's exactly necessary to tell everyone, "No, but I have some wonderful parents picked out!"  People judge.  Anyway, it's not everyone's business!  But how do I answer questions like that???

I know I've been back and forth about my decision.  My conviction that adoption was the right choice never changed, I only wavered because I felt like including N's opinion was "the right thing to do".  Then I ask myself if he truly has her best interests at heart, if he honestly thinks this is the best choice.  Is his opposition to adoption motivated by love, or ego?  Does he love her, or does he love having a means to control me?  After all, let's face it.  I see who gets left with his daughters whenever he decides to go out and party, take someone out on a date, go shopping, or stay somewhere overnight.  I see who gets left holding the bag whenever he decides responsibility just doesn't suit him at the moment.  I KNOW who would be responsible for diaper changes, late night feedings, and soothing a sick or inconsolable baby. 

Yes, the decision impacts both of us.  But whose life would be most affected by raising a newborn?  Not his.  It would be either mine, or his wife's.  And there is NO WAY I'm having my daughter raised in THAT fucked up situation.  He's already proved he has no respect for his wife and that's never going to change.  Am I really going to let you send the message to my daughter that this is the way men should treat her?  HELL NO.  So judge me if you want to, but he has proved that he is not capable of making a rational decision when it concerns his child.  After all, he just spent HOW many hundreds of dollars on tattoos and drugs, but how much did he spend on baby things?  I'm due in three months.  Do we have a car seat?  Do we have a crib?  Do we have any diapers, clothes, baby soap, etc?  NO.  So really, how seriously should I really take him?

26 Weeks

I really did it this time.  I am thrilled to declare that I have cut off all contact with N.  I don't even want to say, "For real this time!", because how many times have I said that?  I feel so strong.  I feel so disciplined.  I feel so committed to my personal evolution and dedicated to defending my worth as a woman.  I put my foot down and I demand no less than everything I deserve, and if someone can't deliver, they will not be allowed to exchange any kind of energy with me.  I need caring, positive, honest, loving, loyal people in my inner circle.  Anything less will not make the cut. After all, there are how many billions of men in the world?  I don't have to settle.  I'm not desperate.  If one doesn't meet my standards, why waste time?  NEXT.

I do realize that my new-found self-esteem borders on arrogance.  Hmmm, maybe arrogance isn't the right word.  I know I sound a little cocky, though, but make no mistake -- EVERYONE SHOULD DO THIS.  Everyone deserves to have exactly what fulfills him or her, exactly what he or she dreams of, and nothing less.  NO ONE should settle for a person, relationship, or situation that does not enhance his or her life in some way.

Work has been going well, but the housing search has been a little stressful.  I did have my assessment last night for Project HEAL and I'm very nervous to find out if I've been accepted into the program or not.  It seems like my best option right now, and time is running out at the shelter.  I did also get an email out of the blue from my disability lawyer.  Are we still pursuing that?  I didn't think I had a chance, so I never gave the forms to my doctor to fill out.  I am also working full time, which I thought excluded me.  Furthermore, I missed the court date today.  Despite all that, he seems to think I still have a case and he is going to schedule a show-cause hearing.  He also sent the forms to my doctor.  Hey, what have I got to lose?  Nothing, because I've already lost it all.

OKAY SIDE NOTE.  I can't even concentrate, you would not BELIEVE what I'm seeing right now!  This really makes me think twice about touching these keyboards at the library.  There's this kid sitting at the computer across from me who is compulsively picking his nose.  I mean, he is doing it over and over and OVER and WON'T STOP!!!  To make matters worse, he then resumes touching the keyboard or the mouse, then picks his nose some more, click click type, pick pick pick pick, click type type, pick pick pick...THAT IS SO FREAKING GROSS!!!!

Baby update time!  If I set a book on my stomach, you can see it move when she moves.  I woke up one morning and my face looked like a giant balloon.  I was so dejected, but then I realized that crying doesn't change anything!  How many calories could moping around possibly burn?  If I don't like it, I should change it.  So, I went right to the grocery store and bought protein shakes, protein bars, apples, bananas, Luna bars, and Greek yogurt.  I started right away the next day eating a banana and a protein shake for breakfast, a Luna bar on my first break, a yogurt and an apple for lunch, and a protein bar on my second break.  Okay so that means that I did it yesterday and today, so I can't exactly pat myself on the back yet.  But every journey starts with a single step, no?

I think my car is about to die.  So while I have so many things to be excited and hopeful about, these are things just looming on the horizon, still beyond reach.  The things in my current reality are a little more challenging, such as my car acting crazy like it wants to quit.  I can't afford this right now!  What will happen if it breaks down?  How will I get to work?  And if I lose my job, how will I EVER pay for an apartment?  My whole life hinges on my car NOT breaking down right now.  Oh, please please please please please!!!!  Not to mention that I have to make sure not to get pulled over or my car will get impounded and I'll go to jail, with the same end result of being totally screwed.  I wish I had saved up more money before I left.  Then again, maybe I would never have left.  Maybe I'd be dead right now.  Even if not, I definitely wouldn't be happy.  I can't say a lot for my situation at the moment, but strangely enough, I CAN say that I'm happy.  That counts for something, right?  That counts for EVERYTHING.

25 Weeks

I'm going to start out with the good news.  I start my new assignment for the temp agency tomorrow and I'll be making $14 an hour.  It will go until at least January but might get extended.  I got a call today from Project HEAL and they are going to give me an assessment on Monday.  It's a transitional housing program for survivors of domestic violence, and it would be really helpful if I get approved because I'm having the worst luck finding a landlord who will rent to me.  That's the bad news.

The housing advocate at the shelter gave me this long list of apartments and houses for rent, and I called the number on every single listing.  Only one landlord is willing to rent to me, and he has an appointment today with my roommate.  I got a copy of my credit report and it isn't good, so apartment complexes are pretty much out of the question.  The waiting list is open for the Section 8 voucher, but it's a two year waiting list.  I definitely feel like if I just let go and trust that the universe will guide me in the right direction, everything will come out okay.  I'm a little stressed because I want to get out of the shelter and it isn't happening as quickly as I'd like it to, but I am maintaining a calm center and knowing that everything will be okay.

N thinks he's going to hurt me by telling me if I hadn't left, I wouldn't be homeless right now.  I made my bed, so I must lie in it.  Well, yeah -- but I don't care!  If I had stayed, I'd have ended up drinking a bottle of antifreeze or jumping off a bridge somewhere!  I say that sarcastically, but in reality I truly WAS suicidal.  I was pushed to a point of despair beyond what I've ever approached in my life.  I really didn't care if I died -- I used to pray that I would die during childbirth.  Inevitably, though, I'd remember that my children do need me and I need to stay strong for them.  Ultimately, they are the driving force behind everything I'm doing.  I want to set a good example for my daughter and show her how a man should treat her.  I want my son to grow up to respect women.  I want to be happy and healthy so that I can be devoted to them, engaged in their lives, and a source of love and support that they can count on.  This is all for my children.

Being at the shelter is difficult.  I know that women in general have a reputation of being gossipy, but I feel that these women exceed the normal limits of drama.  I don't really talk to anyone, and I'm sure they think I'm stuck up.  But I hear what they say about the women in the shelter who ARE their so-called "friends"!  Every night, they sit around at the table and talk shit.  This girl smells funny, this girl still talks to her assailant, this girl should get kicked out because she's never back on time, that girl doesn't do her chores, this girl is a bad parent.  BLAH BLAH BLAH!  The less they know about me, the less fuel they have for their drama machine.  Besides that, what I really need right now is to be surrounded by positivity.  I imagine a sisterhood comprised of women who support one another and build each other up, not tear their sisters down behind their backs.

So, tonight I am going to the Red Road Sister Circle.  It used to be called the Womb Wellness Sister Circle, but J changed the name.  I went to one meeting a year ago and then I decided to get myself all wrapped up in N and I never showed up again.  I really needed these ladies, but I took the wrong path and now I'm paying the price.  It's okay, though.  It's never too late to make better choices.

In pregnancy news...UGH!!  I'm not feeling very attractive these days.  Seemingly overnight, my face fattened up!  Everything else seems about the same, but I have this giant puffy fat girl face and I can't even stand to see my own reflection.  As soon as I get my own place, I really intend to make a sincere commitment to working out.  I'm already trying to make healthier eating choices.  While I was working, it was no problem.  In the time between assignments, though, I've indulged in a lot of stress eating.  Donuts, cheeseburgers, candy, chips, soda. super sweet coffees...you get the idea.  I'm not even hungry, I'm just sad and bored.  I feel a void within me and I can't fill it with drugs, alcohol, or casual sex so I'm resigned to stuffing it with calorie-laden snacks and fatty meals.  Another bad choice that I'm paying for now.  Like I said before, though -- it's never too late to make better choices!  So that's exactly what I'm doing.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm going to make it COUNT.

The High Priestess

Shit, I can hardly breathe today.  I have so much to do, but I just can't focus.  I'm just holding on for dear life while this whirlwind tears through me.  And I'm not sleeping now, the dark is too hard to beat...okay, those were Ellie Goulding's words, but they definitely apply.  I can't think straight.  As I mentioned, I can barely even breathe.  I'm such a jumble that I try to just sleep as much as I can, but sleep eludes me and I'm forced to toss and turn in my bed as dark and scary thoughts parade through my brain.

I had counseling today, but I spent the whole time talking.  I TRIED to slow down, but it was extremely difficult.  The therapist could barely get a word in edgewise, and when she DID, she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know.  I don't feel any different than I did before I set foot in her office, and now I'm at a loss.  What now?

I met with the housing advocate when I got back to the shelter.  She said because I am working, DHS will help with first month's rent and deposit.  Now I just have to find a place and have the temp agency and the landlord each fill out a form.

N actually did me a huge favor.  The last time I saw him, things just felt different.  I had already decided that I was no longer interested in trying to work things out with him because I am not comfortable with the relationship he has with his wife.  He still wanted to get together after work, which I agreed to, but my feelings on that topic hadn't changed.  If there was any chance that I'd change my mind, it disappeared when I was explaining why I was upset.  You see, one of us would text the other at about 6:30 in the morning.  One morning came that he didn't text me, so I texted him and he didn't reply until his first break.  I thought at that time that things were good between us, especially because the last text he had sent the night before was, "I love you with all my heart beautiful.  Never forget that."  I was puzzled at being ignored, but didn't want to jump to conclusions.  Anyway, it turned out that she had given him a ride to work that morning.  I'm tired of taking a backseat to her when she's around.  If you're with me, you're with ME.  Just me, all the time.  If you can't text me when you're around her, then fuck you, I can do better than THAT.  So I told him that it felt like she came before me and that's why things just wouldn't work.  To which he replied, "No one comes before anyone."

Really?  Okay.  If I don't come before your (supposed) EX, then I'm not hanging around.  That was the final final FINAL straw for me.  When he said that, I knew where I stood.  And I don't want to stand there anymore or ever again.  We had sex, but it felt different.  It felt like he was disengaged.  He held me, but that felt different too.  It felt like he was closed off, like I couldn't reach him.  That's when I knew he was gone, the imaginary silver cord connecting our souls together had been severed and there was nothing left there for me.  He, of course, wrongly assumed that I was upset because I wanted him to text me more.  No, I'm upset because you won't text me when you're around HER.  And it already happened, so you can't fix it.  The next day he texted me in the morning and on his break, but he had already gone cold and I could feel it.  Where he used to say things like, "Hi beautiful, I'm thinking of you, how is your day?"  or "I can't wait to see you and hold you tonight", etc, he was instead just like, "Hey.  How's work?"

This was the best thing he could have done.  If he had given me a shred of hope to cling to so I could pretend he loves me and we could be happy, maybe I would have foolishly chased that empty dream indefinitely.  But one thing I can be grateful for is that he was finally real with me and that helped me start the process of getting over it.  Yes, I cried a little as I tried to sleep last night.  Yes, it still hurts a little -- but I'm hurting mostly because I'm alone and I wish I had someone to talk to.  As soon as I started thinking about all the things he used to do that hurt me, the tears stopped and I realized how fortunate I was to have another chance to find real love.  I think everyone deserves that.

The High Priestess is called Wisdom in my deck.  She stands for being in touch with your inner wisdom, being connected to your intuition and honoring it.  Having been through a rough trial, I have definitely gained wisdom and learned to respect myself and my instincts.  They have been trying to guide me for eleven months and I have only ignored them.  Now that I have made the mistake and suffered the consequences, I am wiser as a result.

PS -- After writing this blog entry, I went to check my Facebook.  N's sister posted something yesterday which made me stop and think.  It said, "Don't be mad when someone else starts to appreciate the person you took for granted.  What you won't do, someone else will."  HELL YES.  He wouldn't respect me, but someone will.  He wouldn't be honest with me, but someone will.  He couldn't be faithful, but someone CAN.  Conversely, I'm sure there is someone out there who will love him for everything he is.  There are plenty of girls who like to be controlled and don't mind serving their boyfriends, and they will definitely do what I couldn't as far as being another piece of his personal property.  :)))))))

24 Weeks

My life has been such a rollercoaster lately.  I can't even think straight, I have weird nightmares, I suddenly feel panicked or sad for no reason, and I burst into tears at  the slightest provocation.  I feel so intensely happy one minute, only to be gripped in the throes of sorrow the next, enraged over some real or perceived slight, then simply numb.  I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I want.

I felt like I was over him, then I felt like I missed him, then I thought I wanted to be with him again.  We got back together and I changed my mind, then I missed him and changed my mind again.  I don't know how much of what I'm feeling is real and justified, and how much of it is manufactured by my own imagination.  I never can tell if I'm just being paranoid or if my intuition is trying to tell me something.  I feel so unstable right now.  A couple nights ago, I came home from work and just cried and cried.  The next day, I was on top of the world and nothing could touch me.  The day after that, I cried all the way home and in bed until I fell asleep.  The next day, I felt invincible again.  Yesterday was a normal day and today I'm back to feeling scared, confused, and immobilized by sadness.  What do I do????  I set up an appointment for counseling on Thursday, but I'm just not sure how long I can function like this.  I'm not on any medication and I'm afraid to take anything that could hurt the baby.

Oh yeah, and about the baby.  I'm having second thoughts about that, too!  Everyone is so supportive and I was so sure that I was making the right choice.  I started to wonder how I would feel if I had a baby and wanted to keep it, but the father placed it for adoption without my consent.  Even though there are plenty of people who would support me and tell me it's okay to choose new parents for our baby even if he doesn't agree, I feel like that might be bad karma.  I'm not the only parent.  Do I really have a right  to discount his opinion?  On the other hand, what am I going to do if he has to be away for a few months and can't help me with the baby?  What am I going to do if he can never come back?  How would I feel if we were together raising our baby and he was cheating on me and bringing our daughter around his girlfriend?  After all, what comes around goes around.  He did it to her, why would I think he wouldn't do it to me?

But despite all that, I love him.  I can't stop loving him!  I think it would be good for both of us if I could just forget about him, but I can't.  I don't think this is healthy to be so attached to someone who can, and has proven that they WOULD, hurt you immensely.  Every time I think things are going to be different, I end up crushed.  I WANT to believe everything is going to be okay.  I WANT a reason to forgive him and start over.  But things keep happening which make that impossible, and I can't deal with the alternative -- being alone!  Eddie's a great guy, but I still felt empty when I was talking to him.  I stopped because I didn't feel like it was fair to him that I was using him as a rebound to get over the person I really loved.  He was starting to really like me and I already knew the feeling would never be mutual.  What do I do?????

Anyway, in baby news...I can see my belly move when she moves now!  It's entertaining.  She's taking up more room now and it is a tad bit uncomfortable, but I only have four months left to go.  I got (more) huge overnight, it seems -- one night, I wore my pajama bottoms.  The next night, I washed them.  The night after that, they were tight!  It's probably just from being in the dryer, right?  I hope!  I think my weight gain has slowed down also, mostly because I've been working for nine straight days and I don't eat at work.  I wake up, have coffee and bread, go to work, and eat something when I come home at about 9:30.  Then I usually do my chore and pass out.  I'll find out how I'm doing with that at my next appointment.

I have a bunch of things to accomplish before I leave the library and I only have an hour left, so I better go!

Death (Transformation)

So much has changed.  I should have blogged yesterday because I was in a great mood -- I felt happy, optimistic, and grateful.  I felt surrounded by warmth, light, and abundance.  Today is different though, and I can't exactly say why.  I just feel so sad today. 

Let me start with an update.  My sister had her baby last Thursday, and I had been staying with her while I waited for the DV shelter.  I was getting ready to head up to my grandparents' on Sunday when the shelter called and said I could move in.  I moved in Sunday night, then on Monday I came to the library to look for jobs.  I had an email from another temp agency offering me an assignment starting that same day for $12 an hour taking claims calls from Hurricane (downgraded to a super storm) Sandy.  So, since Monday I've been working 12-8:45.  They just extended the assignment to Monday, which means that I'll get paid time and a half on Saturday and Sunday.  I'm concerned, though, because I don't know how to plan for housing.  I only have a limited time at the shelter -- what if I arrange housing based on the income I have now, only to go months without an assignment after this one ends?  I'm happy for the extra money, but I'm at a loss as far as which direction to go with housing.

Saturday, I started talking to someone I met online.  To be exact, I'm talking to two people.  The girl I'm talking to has a boyfriend though and I'm not about to go down THAT road again.  I don't want to date someone with a wife, a husband, a girlfriend, or a boyfriend!!!  Damn it, it's time I had someone all to myself.  I want to feel like being with JUST ME is good enough, for ONCE in my life!!!!  I used to think that wasn't possible, that none of humanity was monogamous by nature.  Of course, I felt this way because I myself could never (or would never) commit to only one person at a time.  But after dating N, I have realized that if you love someone enough, they really ARE all you need.  He was that person for me.  The universe is cruel sometimes, though, and I was NOT that person for him.  It taught me, though, that if someone loves me enough, he or she will be able to be faithful.  I know this because I loved him enough to be faithful.

The guy I'm talking to is really sweet.  He's amazing, actually -- he's 33 and he works with disadvantaged children who live in group homes.  He loves to dance, he plays guitar, he's in a couple bands, and he loves to watch documentaries and horror movies!  Conversation flows well between us, and he's okay with the fact that I'm pregnant.  Actually, he's adopted.  I think it's weird how the universe is sending these people into my life.  He was born in Colombia but he was adopted when he was 5 months old.  I also met this girl who is due in March and is also planning on choosing adoption.  Remember those road signs I was talking about in a previous entry?  I'm totally seeing them right now.  I even picked the perfect couple, Cesar and Kim.  I knew they were perfect as soon as I read their profile.  They will raise the baby to be bilingual and he's very into his Mexican heritage.  They are both good, kind, caring people who want to raise a compassionate, well-educated baby.  Plus, she would totally belong in that family, as Cesar is Mexican and Kim is white.  No one would realize upon first glance that she wasn't their own.

I really feel as if I'm over N.  Well, today is different.  I had no emotion toward him until today.  Today, I'm still "over" him, and I don't want him back, but I'm finally grieving the hope for what we could never have.  This is a good sign, usually I don't go through this phase.  I thought something was wrong with me -- I could be madly in love with someone, date them for a year or more, then just suddenly stop caring at all.  I go cold.  Most people harbor some type of lingering affection for their exes, right?  I don't.  I feel nothing.  I will open my heart completely and let someone inside, but when they have hurt me enough, they just get kicked out and I can never love them again.  Is this a defense mechanism?  Does this mean I never actually loved them at all?  I'm not sure what this says about me.  Of course, I can't voluntarily "flip the switch" -- I tried, with N.  It just happens on its own, and when it does, it's final.  That did finally happen, but for some reason all I wanted last night was to give him a big hug.  I had this dream that I was trying to find him just so I could hug him.  Isn't that weird?  When I woke up, the feeling remained.  I don't want to be mean to him anymore.  I don't want to hurt him just because he hurt me.  I still have some type of affection for him, but it's different now.  I know we can't be together, but I still care about how he's doing as a person.  I would still do anything for him if he needed it.  Maybe I'm evolving or something.

The Death card doesn't actually mean death.  It does, but not in the way many people might assume if they draw this card.  It's actually pretty positive -- it's the ending of something so that something new can begin.  Evolution.  Transformation.  Metamorphosis.  The caterpillar dies, yes -- but the butterfly is born.  This can be a painful transition, but necessary to one's personal evolution.  In my deck, it is actually called Transformation instead of Death.