Sadhana -- Commitment

I am sitting here, marvelously failing at the commitment I made to do yoga every day for the rest of January.  I started the 7th and did an entire week, 7 days consecutively.  I was feeling pretty awesome, but my muscles felt like they were in a constant state of muscle fatigue.  I am sure this comes down to nutrition.  I used to do yoga six days a week and never felt that way, but I was nourishing my body with superfoods, fruits, herbs, supplements, and greens.  I am going grocery shopping tomorrow.  Fast food is over.  I am preparing food again, healthy meals, and drinking my green smoothies every day again.

It's important, because if Tristan will be living here, he'll be getting the majority of his nutrition here.  His health, mood, attention, and success at school are all directly linked to the foods that go into his body.  Dollar menu and frozen pizzas are not optimum choices for his best success, and because I love him -- and myself -- I'm renewing my commitment for health.

That means getting back on the wagon with yoga, because I fell off.  No biggie, it happens.  I learned an important lesson.  I should just do it right now, but I don't feel like it, and I'm making excuses and grasping at straws but hey...we'll say that it's because it's Saturday and since Saturday is an Ashtanga "off" day, I should probably start tomorrow.  Yeah, that would really be better.  

What happened was, Joth came over and I had not done yoga that day.  I had only done my sun salutations the day before in an effort to keep my word but rest my muscles a bit.  So I knew I couldn't skimp again.  But, it takes an hour to get through the series, and I had a guest, and it was after 1 AM, and he must have been so bored sitting there on the couch waiting patiently for me to finish.  And yeah, I felt a bit self-conscious also.  I tried to block it out, but FUCK -- he's a YOGA TEACHER.  And I've never been in a yoga class, EVER, and I'm doing all this in front of him.  Unnerving -- and not because of him at all.  On the contrary, he's actually very supportive and encouraging.  He doesn't point out all the things I'm doing wrong or sneer in disdain.  So he's wonderful, it's just me.  I mean, this is the whole reason I don't GO to yoga class.  I  feel weird about being seen.

So I went to start Utthitta Hasta Pagangusthasana -- it's the one where you are standing, pick up your leg, and grab your big toe.  I have varied results with this pose.  I notice that some days, I barely wobble.  Other days, I keep falling before I can get the full 5 breaths.  Usually I fall somewhere in the middle -- a little wobbling, no falling.  But Joth was here.  And when I even THINK about someone POSSIBLY watching me, I instantly fall.  I know this.  So, I decided to stop, but my body still craved some backbends.  Chakrasana always makes me feel soooooooo gooooooooood.  It is, honestly, my FAVORITE part of the series.  Not necessarily the back bends, but the heavenly bliss of the forward fold which follows.  Divine.  Anyway, so long story short, I thought it would be a smart idea to skip right to wheel, my body wasn't properly warmed up, I JACKED up my back.  Like, BAD.  It hurt for days.  I'm a dumbass.

But, what this has taught me is that some things in life give us pleasure because of what came before them, what we had to do to "earn" them, the work we put in to achieve them.  Sometimes, essential steps can not be skipped because they add to the beauty and enjoyment of the end result.  If you skip right to the end result, it will be lacking.  You will either not be prepared for it, or you won't appreciate it because you didn't work for it which in turn lessens your enjoyment.  Just like that forward fold -- do you suppose it would feel as sublime if I skipped all the backbends and went right to it?  Not bloody likely!  

So, the cat totally just unplugged the computer.  Thankfully this thing auto-saves.  Joth and I picked out a cat and she's sooooooo cute!  Her meow is like this little squeak, she's shy at first but very affectionate and funny when she warms up.  She doesn't like being picked up, though.  She's black and white and we named her Artemis StarFire Andrews-Kacos.  Her nickname is Dot...hahaha, that's a story for another day.  I've been yammering on for quite some time already.  Here's a picture of her though!

Awwwww.  She likes to sit in between Joth and I -- so she's like the "dot" in each side of the yin yang.  You see?  Because she's got the white part, and the black part.

I know I did an entry about Tapas, discipline.  This is not exactly the same thing.  This is something more specific.  This is making a commitment to do something for a period of time, like lighting a candle and immediately blowing it out every night before bed for 90 days.  I got that from this article, which states that even if it's something as simple and small as that, you will notice yourself begin to make excuses.  

Iyengar said that, "Sadhana is a discipline taken in pursuit of a goal."  So really, any 30 day challenge could be a sadhana.  I am making a full moon cycle commitment.  New moon to new moon.  The new moon doesn't come until Tuesday but there are no rules against getting a head start.  There will be no days off, but I will allow myself to do just the sun salutations if the need arises for a "break".  

This article states that there are three aspects to sadhana -- choice, commitment, and aspiration.  
Sadhana
It is supposed to contribute to accelerated spiritual evolution.  I know from back when I started my first 30 day yoga challenge almost a year ago that this is undoubtedly true.  I'm excited to see where it will take me this time!

Retrograde Shadow

After all this time, it's curious  that I would come back to write while Mercury is in pre-retrograde shadow.  I'm no professional astrologer, but from what I understand, the ground we are covering NOW will be covered AGAIN when Mercury goes retrograde.  So, we're going forward in the same spot we'll be going backward as of the 21st.  The topics that come up now, the secrets that are hidden now, the things we repress...it's all going to come out when we tread back over this familiar territory.  Truth will be revealed.  Bruises will be poked.  The things we say now...they're going to come back to haunt us.

I read an article by an astrologer which said that if we already know that we will be back-tracking back down this path, why not line it with flowers and strewn petals.  Why not make this time the most lovely and wondrous, so that when we have to walk it again, it will be enjoyable?  I fully agree with that idea.  I'm trying to do that.  In ways, though, it feels like my life is falling apart.

And I know that this is how these things work.  Things MUST fall apart, or the hopes and dreams you set your heart on will never come to fruition.  The changes you wish to manifest can not come into being without some type of destruction, of the status quo, the old paradigm, the existing structures.  We can't have it both ways.  So yes, with growth and expansion come a certain level of discomfort.  I get that.  I don't like the uncertainty.  I don't like the disturbance on the surface of my previously placid pond.  There are ripples.  The boat is rocking.  I'm wearing a nice dress and I never intended to get wet.  I want to reach the shore, but I never planned to SWIM there.  I'm not dressed for this.  I do not approve.  WAHHHHHHH.

I don't in any way want to detract from the amazingness of my news.  Yes, spell check -- amazingness IS a word.  Now.  Anyway, this blog started with me giving up Tristan due to the situation I was in, followed me through the agonizing fear that he'd never come home, and now will bear witness to the glorious declaration that my son is, indeed, truly and finally COMING BACK TO LIVE WITH ME!  That's the sweet side of the sucker.  Do you remember those?  Sweet on one side, sour on the other?  Anyway, the sour side is this:  he is having horrible behavioral issues at school.  I just don't know what's wrong.  I almost feel guilty, because I wished for this, but I didn't specify in which WAY I wanted it to happen.  I feel partially responsible for not being more specific.  

Now, as overjoyed and elated I am, I am afraid.  He keeps getting suspended, and I have no more sick time.  I am at six occurrences, which is enough for me to get fired any day.  I don't know what to do to help him.  I don't know how I can take on the sole responsibility of getting through this.  On the last new moon, I set my intention to manifest "super mom status".  Well, hellooooooooo....here it comes.  In the most unexpected and unpleasant way.  Surely these trials will hone and sharpen my skills as a mother.  I'll become supermom, out of sheer necessity.  It'll be like my determination when I was giving birth to him -- I was NOT having a C-section.  I only had 6 weeks of paid time off and I needed to make this HAPPEN.  So it is now.  It's time to activate warrior mode.

I'm looking for the blessings in all these struggles, and they abound, to be sure.  But they're gilded with hot burning fear.  Not only that, but my rock throughout all of these changes has been Joth.  My security blanket, my safe place.  My sanity.  And I guess, ONCE AGAIN, the Universe wants to remind me not to be attached.  I love him so much, who could ever have imagined  that would be a bad thing?  But far too much of my happiness is tangled up in what he thinks of me, his approval, his validation, his reassurance.  When I don't feel it, I feel like a bird without any wings.  I could be soaring through the sky, high on life and filled with confidence.  But the doubt and the insecurity are like lead balloons.  I can't move.  I don't want to move.  Deflated.  Immobilized.  This shouldn't be.  

How do I learn to be happy in a relationship, and to not SEEK happiness FROM the relationship?  How do I maintain self-fulfillment and simultaneously maintain a mutually fulfilling relationship?  The two concepts seem to be at odds with one another.  I don't know how to be in love.

We've been having a little trouble lately, and normally I'd say it's just growing pains.  We've been through struggles before and it always felt okay.  I always trusted that we'd get through it and didn't seriously worry.  This time feels different.  I am scared and I want to run away.  Have you ever felt that feeling?  I'm sure I can't be alone in this.  You can feel when you are connected, and the energy flows.  But psychically, sharply, painfully, you notice the DISCONNECT.  That's what I feel right now.  I have always noticed those relationships where I knew intuitively that things would never be the same.  I never thought that would happen with Joth.  After all, I feel like we're the same person.  I've never loved someone so much.  I've never learned so much, laughed so much, grown so much.  I never doubted that it was the two of us until the end.

But now I do.  But what do I do?  A part of me wants to grip even tighter, clutch even harder.  But I won't do it.  Love is supposed to be like water, the harder you try to close your fist around it, the more it slips through your fingers.  If it is to be, it will be.  I must LET it be.  And anyway, somewhere there will be a blessing in all this.  But if the one person who fit every place, possessed every quality, met all the criteria, fit the exact description...well if that person could not have loved me, then no one can.  There would be no point in searching again.

I know I sound so melodramatic.  *sigh*  Well my period is coming, so there's that.  I've always been such a deep feeler.  My family always teases me and says I'm dramatic, and emo, or whatever.  It isn't drama for the sake of exaggerating my feelings artificially for attention.  It really IS this deep.  It's annoying sometimes.  I'm just going to trust the process.  There are a lot of great things happening, and there are a lot of challenges too.  But I'm moving forward and I'm going to kick some major ass.  I have some work to do and I really just can't waste time crying in the corner.  

Drishti -- Focus

So, here's an interesting thing I learned tonight.  I focus more when I can't see.  Does that make sense?  Not to me, not really.  But I was doing yoga tonight and my glasses kept getting in the way.  (I'm wearing them more and more lately because my one contact is pretty much done -- it's a 30 day lens and I've had it 11 months.)  So, I took off my glasses.  I worried that I wouldn't be able to execute the poses properly, or that my practice would suffer due to lack of drishti.  I don't even know if that's an appropriate way to use  the word, honestly.

For each asana, there is a drishti.  It kind of means focus, or focal point.  One of them is the tip of the nose, one of them is like your second toe, your belly button, your thumb.  I remember how it suddenly occurred to me one day in down dog, as I was being instructed to focus my gaze on my navel, that the term "navel gazing" may somehow be related to that drishti.  It also means vision, or gaze.  As in, your drishti should be on your third eye.  The tip of the nose one and the third eye one both hurt my eyes, so I just close my eyes in poses that call for those, or just look straight ahead.

But anyway, the whole purpose of drishti is sense withdrawal.  If you focus all your energy on just that one single point, supposedly all of your senses fall away.  I find that this is not the case for me.  For example, when I am supposed to be looking at my second toe, I'll notice that my toenail has grown rather long.  Suddenly it will begin to disturb me that it is long.  The longer I stare at it, the less I can stand that unclipped toenail.  Sometimes I stop to clip my toenails.  Or push back my cuticles.  Or scrape off some remaining scraps of nailpolish.  You see?  Drishti doesn't seem to help me much.

Today, though, after I took off my glasses, I did great.  Obviously I could only look in the general vicinity of whatever it was I was supposed to be looking at, because I couldn't actually SEE it.  But that was the key!  With nothing to see, there was nothing for me to get distracted by.  Focusing on some colored blob which represented my thumb yielded much better results than I ever had when I could clearly see anything.  Of course, the goal is to be able to shut out all distractions even when I CAN see.  But, if the purpose of drishti is to tune out your senses, why NOT do it blind?  Sometimes I even do my entire flow with my eyes closed.  I'm not sure if this is better or worse than using the designated focal points, but it seems to get me into a deeper meditative state.  

I'm not sure if there's any meaning to that or not.  Anyway I got all of my holiday shopping done today!  Except my dad.  There are a bunch of gifts under the tree, wrapped -- the tree is up (Tristan LOOOOOOOVES the holidays, and he was begging me since like 6 am to let him put up the tree so I did), there are candy canes and some ornaments on it, and we bought clear ornaments and paint to decorate as our solstice craft on Sunday.  I mailed another letter to Kevin, I sent my rent, and I got money orders for my car insurance and phone bill.  I also put money on my gas card.  I meant to get groceries -- I tried -- but I get so overwhelmed.  I didn't know what to get and what not to get, so I didn't get anything. 

Tomorrow night, though, we are having popcorn, watching holiday movies, drinking eggnog, and relaxing.  Then Sunday morning we are going to have a nice breakfast, read our Winter Solstice book, and make those ornaments.  A girl from the sister circle is hosting a solstice gathering at her house and I'm thinking about taking the kids.  We'll see how things go.  I need to switch my laundry, ta ta for now!

Tolasana -- Balance

I love how yoga can both boost your confidence and keep you humble at the same time.  I mean, when I first started with the half primary in April, I couldn't even get into lotus.  I remember that even HALF lotus would KILL my ankle, and I'd feel like the skin was tearing off, and I'd be breathing really super fast to try to get through the five breaths like ohmygodohmygodohmygodmakeitstop!!!!!   Then I got INTO lotus and freaked out because it hurt so bad and I thought I was stuck there.  Then I could hold it.  Then I could bind it (sort of) for Baddha Padmasana, after which I'd get "criss cross applesauce" (formerly known as Indian style) for a half-ass version of lifted lotus.  

Then, one day, I decided to TRY to lift it.  Nope, didn't work.  Oh well, on with my flow.  Then, a couple days ago, I thought what the hell, I'll try it again.  At first, I had to figure out where to put my hands.  It was a weird feeling and I had to sit back down and try again, but then...I was DOING it!!!  It was AMAZING!  I felt so badass.  But, of course with yoga, you never reach your "destination".  It's all about the journey, and the journey never ends.  I like that, though.  There's always something more you can do, something just out of reach to grasp for, some dangling carrot to entice you to push onward.  So I do.

So yeah, I felt pretty badass.  Until I was googling pictures for this entry, and I was like...whaaaaaaat. The fuck.  Take a gander:

Yeah.  And she's all chill, like yeah.  No big deal, this is my nap pose.  *yawn*  

So anyway, there's the Tolasana part.  We've already gone over my previous contemplation on the significance of lotus and how it correlates to my emotional issues.  In a very literal way, I just could not open up.  On one hand, on the surface, I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve.  But in an almost paradoxical sense, I have always been so closely guarded.  I can spill the contents of my heart to anyone, but let you in?  It would seem that I am quick to fall in love, based on my romantic history.  It's partially true, as I am quick to lose myself in the intoxicating exhilaration of infatuation.  I tell myself, and half-believe, that I am "in love".  This allows me to feel extremely strong feelings for a person without ACTUALLY being close.  

I used to watch this show called Outsourced about a call center in India.  This guy from the states is over there in India discussing arranged marriage with one of his Indian co-workers.  The co-worker says that with our way, it is like tea that starts out very hot and cools down, where with arranged marriages the tea starts out cold and heats up over time.  Now, I'm not in favor of arranged marriages at all.  But, I notice that the quality of love that I have with Joth is of a completely different nature  than the teenage hormonal superficial feelings I've attributed to love in the past.  

I mean, sure, I'm not going to lie -- THAT is still there.  THIS isn't the ABSENCE of that giddy high-school stuff -- it's IN ADDITION TO it.  It's another dimension of romance previously nonexistent in previous relationships.  That's not to say they all sucked all the time -- you, dear diary, know better.  I've blogged about plenty of good feelings, happy times, relative success (albeit brief) in relationships.  When you don't know what you're missing, you don't miss it.  

But anyway, since we've been together, I've been opening up.  I have been overcoming challenges, moving through struggle, and evolving -- spiritually, emotionally, AND physically.  It's so interesting to watch this happen across all areas of my life.  

I even stopped to evaluate an old fear-driven triggered ego-response last night.  I didn't react.  Blair and Rachel gave  Tristan a bible and I kinda freaked out inside.  I identified each of the feelings in the range that came up, and sought to understand the root of each.  Fear.  What am I afraid of?  That they will indoctrinate him.  Why am I afraid of this?  I don't want him to be judgmental and narrow-minded.  What would be the impact of me sending the text I want to send right now to Rachel?  I would come across as irrational.  It would seem like I feel threatened.  DO I feel threatened?  No, I'm secure in my beliefs.  Do I feel like Tristan must share my beliefs?  No, but I don't want him to share THEIRS.  Why?  Because I feel like they are exerting control over him.  Is this because YOU want to be in control of him?  Is this about who he "belongs" to?  Is  this ego?  

Hmmmmm.

Last thing.  Do you remember my vision board from last year?  I had a crystal grid on there.  A picture of hands that said "Have hands of light.  Learn Reiki."  A couple pictures of yoga.  A picture of a cup of tea.  A picture of Sarasvati.  A diagram of the eight limbs of yoga (none of which I knew the meaning of at the time).  A circle of women, a picture of healthy cooking.

In the past year, I have learned Reiki.  I have remained committed to a regular yoga practice.  I drink tea, maybe not every day, but I at least have some in the cupboard and drink it like once a month.  I have studied the eight limbs of yoga and other books going deeper into yoga and Eastern philosophy.  I learned (in Reiki class) how to set up crystal grids.  The sister circle flared back up for a while, and the book club came about...although we are now a little more disconnected from each other, but at least for a period of time that piece came to be.  Who knows, it might again.  Also, I've learned a LOT about healthy, natural, organic cooking.  And sure, maybe still it's mostly smoothies, but my eating habits HAVE changed.  And more importantly, I understand more now about the role of nutrition.

Then, there is the picture of the tarot card The Empress.  There is a mother, tucking her child into bed at night.  Notes saying "Never, ever, ever give up" and "Make things happen".  Two happy kids.  Those all related to two things -- me becoming the best mother I could be, strengthening our family and contributing to the happiness and well-being of my children; and achieving the goal of getting Tristan back home.  It's been a heartbreaking two years.  You've heard me spill the tears, vent the frustration, voice the agony.  You've heard the anger, the heartbreak, the betrayal.  I thought I was never going to win.

Then today, Rachel texted me.  They want to start transitioning Tristan to live with me again, and soon.  He is acting out at school and nothing any of us have been doing is helping.  They feel that maybe he is beginning to resent them because he wants to live with me.  Honestly, I have been saying this from DAY ONE.  We need a PLAN.  We need to set expectations -- not knowing when, if, or how he was coming home has given ME anxiety, I can only imagine how it may have affected him.  

There were nights I woke up in the middle of the night, gripped with sheer terror, panic running through my veins.  I don't think anyone can ever describe adequately the pain of being separated from your children when they are still at an age where you should be providing for their every need.  The fear for their safety and well being.  The concern for whether their little heart is breaking, and the sharp tugs at your own as you realize you can't wipe the tears off their cheek  that they cry for you.  I shoved it down, down, down like I always do.  What else can you do with that type of emotion?  How else can you cope with the intensity of that grief?  There is no facing it.  If you let it out of its little box, you know it will devour you.  You can not.

Now, my year is complete.  At the same time, though, it's only just begun!  I really feel like the cycle of pain and suffering has ended, and I take with me only the lessons as I move into my next phase.

The 8-fold Path -- Morality

So, in my last entry, I was sort of floundering when I attempted to break down "wrong" and "right", "good" and "bad".  My explanations probably got a bit muddled as I uncovered conflicting beliefs.  I mean, on one hand, nothing is "bad" and everything is in divine order.  With that said, though, we should not do things to hurt one another.  But we shouldn't say should.  And we are all doing the best we can from our level of consciousness, sooooooo...what then?  What of morality?

I was watching today's Dharma talk, 4 of 4 of the Four Noble Truths.  This explanation really helped clear things up for me, and the monk quoted something that had me googling to find the source, which ended up being this 8-fold path document.  He said, "There is no divine judge standing above the cosmic process who assigns rewards and punishments.  Nevertheless, the deeds themselves, through their inherent moral or immoral nature, generate the appropriate results."  

So, what IS moral?  I feel like we all have an internal compass.  The answer to this question need not be sought from books or teachers, we all carry it somewhere within us.  Just like birds somehow know how to fly south every winter, we too have an inner sense, a knowing.  The problem is, modern society does a lot (intentionally?) to disconnect us from our own intuition, so much so that we depend on others to tell us what is right and wrong.  

In fact, I know Christians who think there would be no morality without Christianity.  As if somehow having some big powerful guy in the sky watching us and delivering ten rules on a tablet is the only thing keeping us on our best behavior, for fear of his eternal retribution.  What???  If that's the only reason you're being "moral", that's not so much true goodness, is it?  

Not only that, but take a moment to step back and observe the horrors that have been committed in the name of this so-called religion of "love" by these people with "morals".  Did I miss the Buddhist Crusades?  The Hindu Inquisition?  Oh yeah, that's right.  Because they never happened.  I'm sorry, but I have a problem accepting my moral guidelines from an institution with that much bloodshed on its hands.

Anyway, I found this article which explains things beautifully:
The Buddha divides kamma ethically right down the middle into two different classes, wholesome kamma ("kusala kamma") and unwholesome kamma ("akusala kamma"). 

Unwholesome kamma is action which is spiritually harmful and morally blameworthy. Wholesome kamma is action which is spiritually beneficial and morally praiseworthy. 

Intention There are two basic criteria for distinguishing wholesome and unwholesome kammas. One is the intention behind the action. If an action is intended to bring harm to oneself, harm to others or harm to both oneself and others, that is unwholesome kamma. Kamma which conduces to the good of oneself, to the good of others or to the good of both is wholesome kamma. 

 Roots The other criterion is the roots of action. All action arises from certain mental factors called roots. These are the causal factors underlying action or the sources of action. All unwholesome actions come from three unwholesome roots, greed, aversion and delusion. Greed is selfish desire aimed at personal gratification, expressed as grasping, craving and attachment. Aversion is ill will, hatred, resentment, anger and a negative evaluation of the object. Delusion is ignorance, mental unclarity and confusion. We also find the roots in the wholesome side: non-greed, non-aversion and non-delusion. Non-greed becomes manifest as detachment and generosity. Non-aversion is expressed positively as good will, friendliness and loving kindness. Non-delusion is manifested as wisdom, understanding and mental clarity. 

 Due to these roots we have to be very careful when we judge actions of our own and of others. Often there can be a sharp difference between the outer action and the state of mind from which the action springs. We might be doing a lot of good work for others outwardly, but the underlying motive behind our good work might be a desire to gain fame and recognition, a form of the unwholesome root greed and craving. Someone else might be sitting quietly meditating, seemingly aloof, but inwardly he might be developing a mind of loving kindness and compassion. He might be criticised for seeking only his own good, but he might be doing more to benefit the world than the active do-gooder who is driven by desire for name and fame. 

 The working of kamma is so complex and so subtle that it is almost impossible to make definite predictions. All that we can know with certainty are the tendencies, but that is enough to guide our actions.

The Gunas -- The Interplay of Opposites

I know you probably think I'm going to get all political here -- I'm not.  This is bigger than taking sides!  Right now my brother is so incredibly pissed off at me, when I came to pick up Tristan and knocked on the door they literally let me stand out there in the cold pretending they never heard me.  Even though the dogs were barking at the door.  Even though I cleared my throat and coughed and everything.  And for WHAT?  Because my brother is a police officer and I had the audacity to make a post on Facebook about how I feel that a police officer who KILLS someone should be held accountable by the standards of the law he is supposed to enforce.

This isn't "fuck the police".  This isn't "us vs. them".  This isn't cops and robbers, cowboys and indians (wow I just realized how politically incorrect that one was, sad -- my mom always used to tell us "go play cowboys and indians"), red against blue, home vs. away or WHATTHEFUCKEVER.  How about this is ME on the side of US?  Just because I don't think it's okay for a cop to kill somebody doesn't mean I want people to kill cops!  Just because I don't think people should be waterboarded doesn't mean I think people should be beheaded!  What kind of fucked up logic is this?  What is this world coming to?  Why are we obsessed with creating these LINES and dividing into TEAMS, and to show support for our fellow man is automatically interpreted to mean we are against his imagined enemy?  STOP!!!!

I think we should all love each other.  I'm not gullible and naive, I know that this will not always happen.  Change, pain, suffering, and conflict are part of our existence on this earthly plane.  But they are intended to be lessons.  Catalysts.  Not a way of life.  They are not intended to be excused...we don't escape the karma of our actions just because imperfection is a part of humanity.  Of course it's in our nature to fuck up.  And then, through the CONSEQUENCES of us fucking up, we become a little more enlightened.  This is the only way through.  

Now I'm trying to connect this to a concept I was studying with ayurveda about the gunas -- tamasic, rajasic, and sattvic.  Tamasic is like the sluggish, earth, low vibration energy.  Meat is a tamasic food.  It contributes to our least evolved state.  Laziness.  Rajasic is dynamic, moving, changing, burning.  It is fire.  I thought at first that raja would be the ideal state, since it is so motivated and making things happen.  But it can be chaotic.  While raja is necessary to transform tamas to sattva, it isn't a balanced state to remain in.  It is also unstable.  And you can't maintain things at that high level for long periods of time, it leads to burnout...right back to tamas.  Put  too much fire and energy into your undertakings and the pendulum swings back to lazy and unmotivated.  And of course, sattva is the light, ethereal, conscious, enlightened state.  Tamas is black, rajas is red, sattva is white.

So, fucking up can be rajasic.  It can assist in our transformation and our enlightenment.  But it is through the fallout and chaos of our negative choices that we come through back to sattva.  What I'm trying to say is, nothing is "bad" but some things are not "okay".  Do you know what I mean?  Everything happens for a reason and each thing serves its purpose, but there IS still such a thing as wrong and right -- negative karma, positive karma, and neutral karma.  It doesn't maybe depend so much on the actual action, but rather the intent behind it.  Actions can not simply be grouped so neatly in black and white boxes labeled "good" and "evil".  Not even killing.  This is the problem I have with the ten commandments.

You can't label a specific action, because in certain circumstances the same action that is "evil" could be "good" and vice versa.  So yes.  We "should" all be sattvic, but then again if we all existed in that state constantly every day, what would be the point of being here?  Things fluctuate, and change, and opposites give rise to one another and all of this life is little more than the interplay of opposites.

Samkhya philosophers say that life exists for the purpose of acquiring experience and knowing the Self. The gunas are meant to facilitate this spiritual endeavor. They reveal, conceal, and stir us up—all for the purpose of drawing us closer to purusha, the knower. Krishna, the voice of the knower, sums up this relationship (in verses 14.19–20) with a lofty description of life’s goal—one in which ego identification with the activities of the gunas is transcended altogether. Though challenging, this millennia-old teaching continues to inspire seekers today:

I got very off-track.  Anyway, I am losing my patience for the division, categorizing, separation, competition.  I long to return to unity.  Inside I scream for each man and woman to recognize our interconnectedness and stop turning against our own sisters and brothers because that is as ridiculous as the cells in our bodies turning against one another, for they are ALL part of the SAME organism!  Do you think that doesn't apply to US too??????  The microcosm IS the macrocosm!  

I came today, though, to talk about my newfound sense of (scattered) motivation.  It's kind of manic, except I can't really tell because I have been very sleepy at the same time.  I think I'm mildly sick though, and it doesn't help that I haven't been nourishing my body correctly with the right foods or doing yoga as regularly as I should.  However, I feel like taking on the WORLD!  Of course, I very nearly spread myself too thin and I need to remember not to do that.  I want to learn hypnotherapy, take bellydance classes, sign up for a year of unlimited yoga at Seva so I can do my yoga teacher training next year, start a paradigm shift community, get involved in the great lakes stewards thing, and start selling some natural beauty products.  BUT if I attempt to take on this huge load right now while I'm HIGH and I've got energy to spare, I'll end up feeling...ten of wands.  Overburdened and overwhelmed when I come down.  Best to take a prudent pace.

There was this little corner store right here on main street in wayland.  It was for sale for the longest time, and it was during the time of my reiki classes.  I would drive by it longingly, seeing the sign saying "any income" but not really thinking it really meant ANY income and doubting that I could swing such a lofty goal of opening up a shop, on my budget.  Ohhhhh but it's such a perfect little shop.  I would imagine doing reiki and tarot readings there.  Having yoga classes, selling books and crystals.  My imagination took me to fantastic places but I never made a move.  Anyway, now somebody finally bought that store -- but they're doing an artisan's market, and there is a phone number posted to get in contact in case you want to have a booth!  I don't know what all that entails, but I'm calling the number.  

Well, it's four.  Time to make some pizza for the kids.  :)

Healing Crisis

As I searched for crying fairy pictures, it dawned on me that I need more tattoos.  I can't wait to see Kendra!  She isn't even taking appointments until April, but it's worth waiting for.  She did an amazing job with both of my parents' tattoos.  Check these out! (Kendra did not do these.)

So yeah, lots more fairies.  The one I chose for this post was called "emo fairy".  Hahaha.  But anyway, I have been struggling all day to figure out just what the HELL is wrong with me.  I mean, what could be so wrong that yoga can't fix it -- no, even more, that yoga makes it WORSE?  

You know how I felt yesterday.  So this morning, after sleeping in until almost noon, I dragged my ass out of bed and decided to start the day with yoga.  It went better than it did yesterday, but it still ended with me in tears.  Uncontrollable tears.  They felt better this time, but what is up with all the crying?  Yesterday, I thought maybe it was the rain.  But it isn't raining today and I still feel continuously on the brink of springing a leak.  

I asked Joth if he was okay.  I thought maybe energetically I was picking up on some kind of angst, or stress, or whatever.  But nope, he said everything is fine.  The more I think about it, though, the more I recognize what this is.  I remember in our reiki classes, Karen always warned us about the possibility of a "healing crisis".  When you start to free up those blocks, and get the energy flowing and stuff, sometimes things come to the surface to be addressed and cleansed.  It's all part of the purification.  

I thought maybe yoga is doing this to me, specifically with the introduction of bound lotus.  An article that I read about it said,   "It is also known to be one of the shortest paths to healing deep emotional blockages".  Which sounded awesome at the time, but I never considered...HOW are these emotional blockages healed, exactly?  I never thought that it might be one of those things, like cleaning your room, where it has to get worse before it can get better.  Like, if you have an infection, and you have to cut it open and squeeze all that nasty stuff out.  Eeeeeew, that visual kind of grossed me out.  But it's TRUE, right?

Not only that, though, but I think the experience with Joth is also detoxing me.  I never drink water, I believe I've mentioned this before.  I don't really pee a lot, once or twice a day.  I noticed after the reiki 2 attunement that I was peeing a LOT.  And having night sweats.  I knew that was my body detoxing.  Well, when I'm around Joth, I always feel like I have to pee.  Then the first day back to work, I can't even make it to my break time.  I have to pee on my breaks AND take several illegal emergency breaks.  So I started thinking that whatever is happening here between us is purifying me and resulting in a detox as well.

So, maybe this healing crisis is due in part to that.  And also with the yoga.  Getting acclimated to a higher vibration.  If I view it all as positive, it makes it a lot easier to deal with.  I feel less like a failure or somebody who suddenly sucks at life or a victim of the weather or a mood disorder and more like an evolving human being on the path to a higher plane of existence.  

I found this also:

Bikram Yoga East York

January 26, 2012 ·

THE HEALING CRISIS
Many of you have been asking me lately, “Why do I feel like I’m going to puke in there?”or “why am I so dizzy? or “why am I breaking out (acne)?” “why do I feel so emotional, angry, etc”. My instinct is always the same -- the healing crisis is at play. Huh?! The Healing Crisis?! Let me explain….
When practicing Bikram Yoga, we stimulate and squeeze our internal organs and glands. When we do this, toxins are often pushed out of our organs and into our blood stream. This is good news! In the hot room, our skin (our lymphatic system) operates like a third kidney, helping to push these toxins out of the body, via our sweat; however, when the body is throwing off toxins faster than they are eliminated, we end up with symptoms of “The Healing Crisis.”
Bikram Yoga offers one way to cleanse and heal the body; another major pathway for detoxification is through our diet / food choices. If you have ever done any form of dietary / organ cleansing in the past, you will likely recall that you have often felt worse on this journey before feeling much better. The same thing happens when we start Bikram Yoga, and the same experience can surface again, and again, as we move onwards on this continuum to becoming cleaner, healthier, and more vibrant.
If you often find yourself lethargic, grumpy, negative, depressed, you would likely benefit from additional cleansing / detoxification. There are so many ways to do this! I am always available at BYC’s clinic to offer support and guidance.
In the meantime, when you feel symptoms of the healing crisis, embrace it the very best you can! Toxins are far better out than in! Help assist your body in flushing these toxins by eating clean food, and by drinking lots of fresh water / herbal teas. You are well on the way towards vibrant health; stay the course…the rewards and potential here are truly limitless!
Teshia Maher / BYC’s Nutritional Consultant

I also read this in another article: Single events do push us into a healing crisis. Repetitive stimulation can also affect us in the same manner. Many dedicated students of yoga may unknowingly enter in and out of the healing crisis with a consistent practice. With each pose and each daily practice a student of yoga begins to unravel the layers of physical and emotional holding within the body. This could be the equivalent of peeling away the many layers of an onion. As the outer layers unfold the next layer presents itself to us as an untold story. We may have been accustomed to experiencing our world from a surface layer when we are thrust into relating from a deeper layer. This new layer has a different story to teach us as new information is revealed.

And they say, a lot of emotion is stored in your hips.  Fear, tension, past trauma.  Childhood stuff.  I've been famous for stuffing things down in order to avoid dealing with them, but never did I ever wonder where did they GO.  It's fascinating to consider that physically, in our very bodies, dwell the emotions we refuse to deal with.  They will manifest in other ways and still need to be addressed.  Now, for me, my hips have ALWAYS been tight.  Well, as far back as I can remember, which would be ballet in kindergarten.  I could always do side splits but never middle splits, and that never changed even all through elementary, junior high, and high school cheerleading.

Now, at age 32, I'm finally opening those hips.  It's never too late to make progress!

Oh, I have AMAZING news to share!  So, I want to say it was like May sometime, I joined the Paradigm Shift community.  Almost instantly, I became rabidly passionate about being part of a movement.  I kept hoping the New Earth Illumination Project would provide that forum for me to get involved in making a difference, but they have yet to actually schedule a meeting.  I have all  these ideas, all this passion, but I don't have the "take-chargishness" to actually START something.  I kept putting it out there, though, that the Universe would guide me to where I could be of service.  To where I was needed.

One of the sister circle girls made this post that really resonated with me, so I reshared it.  Then SHE posted a link to her website, which I promptly checked out.  It's all about getting involved in like FIVE things I'm passionate about!  Starting exactly the kind of movement I feel called to be a part of!  So she's talking about having a meeting soon, and I am SO SO SO SO down.  Exciteed!!!!
Stewards of the Great Lakes

Oh and speaking of the sister circle, the book club is finally meeting again!  For sure, tomorrow night, at 6:30.  I think I will re-read chapter 5, or even chapters 1-5 just to brush up.  I think I'm going to blog my thoughts after reach chapter.  Hey, I just had a bunch of coffee and I'm feeling amazing.  Yayyyyy CAFFEINE!!!!  :)