God knows there’s nothing to gain; Well who am I to deny, we’re both playing the same game...

Today's lyric comes to you from the lovely Tristan Prettyman.  I came across her while I was following YouTube rabbit trails, from Ani DiFranco to Florence + The Machine to The XX to Metric...and somewhere in there, a previously undiscovered gem.  

It's 3 AM and I have to leave here at 8 AM.  Of course, as tired as I was last night...guess what.  WIRED.  Of course!!!  I believe it's a manic phase setting in.  I woke up abnormally early, had intensely vivid sexual dreams, have been talkative and in high spirits, and am nowhere near tired at 3 in the morning.  

I came to a conclusion today.  I will never trust a man.  The biggest reason is....they're all liars!!!!  That's not really a fair statement.  It did occur to me that, in our own little ways, maybe we are ALL liars.  The problem with me is that I am so sensitive to it that I simply can not tolerate it.  I can not survive long in an interaction or relationship which requires me to pretend to believe something that I most assuredly know is not true.  I can FEEL it.  Every time I try to deny it, rationalize it, make excuses for the person, or say I'm just paranoid...my suspicions are ALWAYS validated.  So I'm just going  to put it out there, Emmanuel is as full of shit as any other man and while we may all be full of shit, not everyone can be content with turning a blind eye.  This is my lot in life -- extremely sensitive empath destined to walk the earth alone for all eternity because I will never find an honest soul.

Oh, and I'm not saying I'm completely honest all the time.  I wouldn't trust ME, either.  That's the problem -- I demand the impossible.  Accepting lies makes me too uncomfortable and makes me doubt my standing in another person's life.  If you lie to me once, about one thing, no matter how insignificant -- I will question everything you ever tell me and suspect you of dishonesty until the end of time.

I don't want that.  You don't want that.  Therefore, the decision has been made, and that decision is that I will commit myself to no one, ever.  Period.

I won't keep you, I won't keep you, I won't keep you holding on; If you wait on me I promise you it won't be long...

Damn, I miss a couple days and I feel like there's so much to catch up on.  I've been so tired lately, I just couldn't do anything.  I went a week without yoga, hooping, and for the most part blogging.  My energy isn't back up to full levels but at least I can summon enough to update my blog.

Well, I went to counseling today and that went well.  I still talk too much and I'm trying to be more conscious of my motor mouth.  I did better than I did at my first session but I still left kicking myself for rudely interrupting and talking over Sue.  I hope she doesn't take it personally or hold it against me.  I try, I really do.  I can say I'm making progress, though, and that's all I can really expect of myself.

That applies to work as well.  Sometimes I get off a phone call and start immediately criticizing myself for all the mistakes I made.  When I look at it differently, though, I realize that I have learned something every day and am continuing to grow in my knowledge and skills.  I trust that I will get there.

I had a great weekend with the kids!  It was short, as always, but for the first time I didn't get the Sunday (or Monday) blues.  I realized that the depression that sets in after they go home has more to do with regrets about things I wish I had done better.  I'll think about all the stupid things I yelled at them for, or the times they asked me to play with them and I refused.  When they're here, sometimes I feel like we have all the time in the world, and we don't.  This time I made sure to stay calm and present, and we made the most of the weekend.  When it was over, I had no regrets -- I felt like it had been a complete success.  I packed Tristan's lunch for Monday and even put a little note in it for him.  I also woke up early Monday morning and made him a scrambled egg and sausage breakfast burrito.  I just love those special moments.  

Even Jewel surprised me when she asked if I was on a day shift yet because she is sad that she hardly ever gets to see me.  It warmed my heart but it also made me a little sad.  Those two mean the whole world to me.  Part of me feels like I wish I could turn back time and do things right so we could be together every day, but the other part of me knows that if I hadn't made the mistakes I did, I wouldn't be the same person today.  Maybe that was exactly what it took for me to discover my deep love and affection for them, and if that's the case, I am grateful for it.

Speaking of gratitude, I am filled with it today.  I am grateful that my car door shut.  (Last night, it was so cold that it wouldn't latch shut.  I ended up driving all the way home while holding it tightly...let's just say, through the S curves on the highway, that was a bit harrowing!)  I am grateful that we had blue skies and puffy white clouds.  I am grateful that I found a counselor with whom I connect so well and who approaches things from a perspective I can relate to.  I am thankful that Tristan got to go ice skating tonight.

Emmanuel called me.  I really thought I would never hear from him again.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, or what I had assumed.  All I know is that I was completely off base.  He throws me off because I can't get a good read on him, so automatically I jump to the conclusion that he is hiding something or blocking his energy.  My experience in situations like that in the past has been....ummmmm....LESS than favorable.  I have a million reasons why I stopped talking to him, and I gave him at least four of them on the phone tonight. The common denominator throughout all of them, though, was self-protection.  I wish I had protected myself better in the past.  Perhaps I am overcompensating for it now by automatically assuming the worst.  I don't know, but I'm very confused!  

On one hand, I want to talk to him and spend time with him and enjoy his presence.  On the other hand, though, I don't want to make myself be vulnerable or get enmeshed in a situation that may be unhealthy for me and difficult to get free of.  The thing about me is, I'm all or nothing.  Either I keep up a wall and stay in my little box, safe and untouchable, or I open myself up completely.  I don't think he understands, I'm holding myself back for both of our sakes.  Once I allow myself to care, it always ends up being too much.  I just don't know what to do.  I can't afford to make another mess out of my life.

I'm sorry but I'm so extremely tired.  I really need to get some sleep.  And PS, the full moon is coming, and so is my period.  It should be (as always) an interesting few days.  The full moon dreams already started last night -- I had a very vivid one of giving birth to twins, a boy and a girl.  I was then tandem nursing them and so happy and filled with love, but after a few days (I don't remember  the reason) I realized that I could not take care of them and wasn't sure what to do.  I thought about asking Sienna's parents if they would adopt them, but I was concerned about the bonding time we had shared, worried that they would grow up emotionally scarred and feeling abandoned.  I couldn't figure out if it would be better to keep them with me or if they would understand.  It was weird.  I hope I don't actually end up pregnant with twins, though...eeek!

Honey, I ain't got time to wait on you or fetch your super ball, I've got lots of things I've got to do...

Success!!!!  Life is AWESOME.  Tonight was my first night on the phone, and I didn't do too badly.  I was comfortable talking to customers and felt good about my job, the only areas I could use improvement in are mastery of the system and becoming more familiar with all the things we offer.  Despite that, I still did pretty well and I'm looking forward to going back on Monday.

Brian is paid off, my electric bill is paid, my car insurance is paid, the sweat lodge retreat is paid, and I have enough left to do laundry, buy groceries, and put gas in my car.  I feel totally awesome.  To top it all off, I get to see the kids tomorrow and I miss them so much.  I'm glad I hung in there -- there were a few times I felt like just giving up, but I have to believe in myself.  I can do whatever I think I can do!

I realized something about myself today that I found interesting.  I wonder if I am alone in this, or if everyone shares this odd trait.  Here's the thing -- for anything I do, I have at least three reasons.  I never really know which one is the REAL reason, or if they all play a part in my overall decision, or if I actually have one real reason but I justify my decision but convincing myself it was for another, more acceptable reason.  Does that make sense?  Of course not.  I shall illustrate.

We were all sitting out on the floor where we were getting ready to take calls.  Brian, our trainer, needed to sit in one of the 3 seats that Mike, Kate, and myself were sitting in.  Immediately, I volunteered.  I guess I didn't really register what my reason was, but I felt a bit self-conscious when he pointed out how quickly I had volunteered and teased me about not wanting to sit next to Mike and Kate.  I sat next to Brenda and told her I just didn't want to sit next to Mike because I felt like I would be tempted to ask too many questions.  Then I told Lori that I hadn't wanted to sit next to Brian (which is true, having a trainer sit next to you while you're taking your first few calls is very nerve-wracking).  Then I told Kate that I had done it because I knew that logging off one computer and logging back into another would buy me some time before I had to take my first call.

I didn't lie to anyone, those things were all true.  But I caught myself wondering what my real reason actually was.  I realized I didn't even know!  I notice that I do that a lot.  Like with Holly.  I told Shy that I didn't want to date her because she was married and if her husband made her choose, she'd always (understandably) choose him and I'd be left in the cold.  True.  I told her that I just needed to focus on my kids right now and I'm so one-track-minded  that being in a relationship had diverted too much of my attention.  Also true.  I told Emmanuel that I just hadn't connected with her in the way that I wanted to connect with someone.  True again.  So which is it?  What was the real reason?  I don't think I even know.

The last example is with Emmanuel.  First, I saw that he was in a relationship -- but let's be honest.  You're my blog, and I confide in you no matter what I tell other people.  That wasn't a deal breaker -- I was hoping he'd explain it to my satisfaction and everything would be fine.  Then I told Jason that I didn't think it would work out because he doesn't have a car or his own place.  Yeahhhhh, those are issues...but I really hadn't even written him off completely for that.  I made the decision after the third time he didn't answer my call.  But I quickly decided that I was doing it because he wasn't being real with his girlfriend and it made me worry about what kind of person he really is.  In this case, I think the real reason is rejection, but the rest of the reasons are valid as well.

Maybe the truth is that I just make decisions based on intuition without ever really knowing exactly why.  Then later, observing the situation as if from the outside, I just make best guesses as to what my reason must have been.  I don't think I ever know.  It's weird, isn't it?  In any case, I'm glad I'm following my intuition more these days.  It hasn't let me down yet.  :)

Am I happy, or in misery? Whatever it is, that girl put a spell on me...

It's a wonderful night.  I had counseling before work, which really set the stage.  Sue taught me the Adhi mudra, which is both thumbs tucked loosely into your fists which rest palm down on your thighs.  It is for stillness, and it made an amazing change in my demeanor.  Maybe not as drastically as the mudra we did at my last session, but I was much calmer to begin with this time than I was that time.  I explained to her that my energy has been low and she explained that the barometric pressure is low and that most people are feeling similar.  That made me feel better, I was worried about an impending bout of depression.

She also went over left nostril breathing with me, which she recommended to help me calm my nerves when I start to experience anxiety.  I felt like I got a lot out of today's session and left there feeling ready to take on the world -- but in a calm, Zen kinda way.  I talked to her about Emmanuel and expressed my concern that, since he has not officially broken up with his girlfriend in Florida, I was uneasy feeling like I would never know where I stand with him.  She replied, "Well, you kinda DO."  Yeah, she's right.  I totally do.  I guess I'll consider that a bullet dodged.  

Speaking of him, today is the second day I completely ignored him.  At about 9:45 he texted, "I get the hint.  Good luck in life."  I texted back, "Would you have preferred an explanation?"  If he says yes, I am going to reply, "Yeah.  Most people do."  He supposedly thinks he's doing this chick a favor by not hurting her and breaking up with her.  I'm trying to illustrate that when it happens to you, you aren't so grateful for that "favor".  I can't date a man who doesn't have the cojones to be real with somebody.  

Work was fantastic!  I was barely nervous at all when I got there, totally ready to get on the phone, and feeling confident.  I took three calls and they all went great.  I was just so anxious yesterday, but today it was like a night and day difference.  I am actually excited to go to work tomorrow and get on the phone by myself.  Let's DO this!

I paid for my spot at the November 30 sweat lodge women's retreat thing with some of the girls from the sister circle, so it's official.  I am so excited!!  Here's the info:

3) Bring two or three towels you don't mind getting dirty, an old robe is great, some paper and pen, a water bottle, and some work gloves if you want as we carry rocks and build the fire together. Please don't wear any kind of perfume as this get's strong in the sweat lodge!!

4)You are also encouraged to bring a symbol of something that you want to empower in your life right now and a symbol of something you want to release. You will be able to place it on the little nature alter outside of the renewal sweat. This has really been meaningful to women when they bring it home with them and can stay connected with the energy.

5) The renewal sweat ceremony takes place outdoors in the evening. It is a dome shaped structure with a pit in the center to hold hot rocks that are placed in there after we go in. Many women enjoy going in without any clothes as it is completely dark in there once the flap to the doorway is closed. I encourage all women to do what feels comfortable to them - bathing suit, towel, terry wrap...whatever.

Yeah, I'm totally going naked. :) Let's see, what else...oh! So I was driving home tonight and had the exquisite pleasure of jamming out to Jimi Hendrix. I thought, "How lucky am I to catch Purple Haze on the way home?" Then I just started thinking of how lucky I am in general. I remember, not even 3 months ago, hanging out in this apartment with no furniture and no TV. Sitting on the floor with the kids to eat, sharing a twin size air mattress that never stayed inflated throughout the night, hanging out in my car in the McDonald's parking lot to use their WiFi so the kids could play games on my phone. It seems like so long ago! Now I have a table, couch, chairs, computer with desk, cable, internet, and beds for the kids. This is so great! Things are really coming together. I appreciate it all the more because I've really had to work for it and I've been impoverished both financially and emotionally. Everything seems to be flourishing now and I'm really so grateful.

Hey, happy 3:33! I should get some beauty sleep. Hasta manana!

No one's gonna take my soul away, living like Jim Morrison, heading toward a fucked up holiday...

I fucking LOVE Lana del Rey.  And in case it even matters, I became obsessed with her last winter, before anyone else had even heard of her.  Since September they've been playing the crap out of her Summertime Sadness on the top 40 stations, but I've been saying this all along.  This chick is a goddess.  

It's the same with that Awolnation song, "Sail".  I loved it and posted it on my Facebook almost a year ago.  No one commented or said anything, now I hear all kinds of people blasting it in their cars and talking about it on their walls.  I'm like, yeah, I already know.  :)  

Soooo, I was driving home tonight and noticed my kidney hurts a little.  I then realized that I have consumed ZERO water for at least 5 weeks.  Furthermore, at an average of 5 cups of coffee a day for 23 days, I have consumed at least 920 ounces of coffee in the same time frame.  (Plus 2 bottles of wine)  Hmmm.  Maybe I should rectify this situation, since I can't afford  to miss any work to go to the ER with a kidney stone.  Just a thought.  :)

Today was our first day on the phones at work.  We each took two calls with the other two members of our teams listening in.  I'll put this bluntly, I sucked.  It isn't that I don't have the knowledge or the skills, I just freaked the fuck out.  It's okay, though.  Tomorrow will be better.  And when I DO get this stuff down, people better watch out -- I'm going to be unstoppable.  I know that sounds cocky but I feel it.  I definitely have what it takes.  

I messaged Holly on Facebook at lunch.  I haven't talked to Emmanuel all day and don't really plan to.  Rip it off, just like a band-aid.  I made plans to go see Shyloh next weekend and I'm just going to forget all about him.  I didn't like how he invaded my brain and how I felt vulnerable so I just had to shut that DOWN.  Holly is a safer bet...she's sweet, and pretty, and fun to hang out with.  But I'll never be at her mercy.

I had another lazy day.  I'm not really sure what's going on with me.  I'm guessing it's a mild bout of depression setting in -- after all, it IS about the right time of year for that.  My energy at work doesn't seem diminished and my thoughts have not become negative.  I just don't feel like getting out of bed anymore until I have to -- but then, when it's time, it's not a struggle.  I guess I just don't see the point in doing the things I was doing before.  (Loss of interest in things that once gave you pleasure?  Decreased contact with friends and family?  Okay, yeah, but it could be worse.)

It is seriously COLD out there.  My teeth were chattering until I got onto the highway and my heat started to kick in.  I'm really trying to find the silver lining, but honestly, 80 and sunny sounds perfect right about now.  Oh well, I'll get through this winter just like I do every year.  Maybe this year will even be better than the last.  (Hmmm, reminds me of a Counting Crows song...)  Anyway it couldn't possibly be much worse.  Last year at this time, I was still tangled up in that mess AND living in a shelter with 6 or 7 crazy women and a curfew.  I just keep moving forward, eyes on the prize.

I'm hungry, I'm going to make some alphabet soup.  Later!

In the land of gods and monsters, I was an angel,
Living in the garden of evil,
Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed,
Shining like a fiery beacon.
You got that medicine I need,
Fame, liquor, love, give it to me slowly.
Put your hands on my waist, do it softly,
Me and God, we dont get along, so now I sing...

No ones gonna take my soul away,
I'm living like Jim Morrison.
Headed towards a fucked up holiday.
Motel sprees, sprees, and I'm singing,
"Fuck yeah, give it to me, this is Heaven, what I truly want."
It's innocence lost.
Innocence lost.

In the land of gods and monsters, I was an angel,
Lookin' to get fucked hard.
Like a groupie, incognito, posing as a real singer,
Life imitates art.
You got that medicine I need,
Dope, shoot it up, straight to the heart, please.
I don't really wanna know what's good for me.
God's dead, I said, "Baby that's alright with me."

No ones gonna take my soul away,
I'm living like Jim Morrison.
Headed towards a fucked up holiday.
Motel, sprees, sprees, and Im singing,
"Fuck yeah, give it to me, this is Heaven, what I truly want."
It's innocence lost.
Innocence lost.

When you talk, it's like a movie and you're makin' me crazy,
'Cause life imitates art.
If I get a little prettier, can I be your baby?
You tell me, "Life isn't that hard."

No ones gonna take my soul away,
I'm living like Jim Morrison.
Headed towards a fucked up holiday.
Motel, sprees, sprees, and Im singing:
"Fuck yeah, give it to me, this is Heaven, what I truly want."
It's innocence lost.
Innocence lost.

Read more: Lana Del Rey - Gods And Monsters Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

So don't you lock up something that you wanted to see fly...hands are for shaking -- not tying...

So today is over, and that is cause for celebration!  I was so nervous about my mock call, I didn't even eat anything today.  I slept most of the day away, didn't do yoga, didn't hoop dance, and almost just didn't go to work.  At the end of the day, though, I tied with Ashley for  the top score on the mock call.  Who would've guessed???  My confidence in myself has been completely restored.

Right now I'm eating alphabet soup....ohhhhh yeah, I'm awesome.  It's actually "Vegetarian Vegetable" soup, but it has the alphabet noodles.  I just grabbed a random spoonful to see if I could spell anything but it just said "MFDY".  Maybe I already ate all the vowels.  ;)

So check this out.  This is the coolest part of this day.  I was taking a nap before work, and it was one of those weird naps where I fell instantly into a deep, intense dream state and snapped right back out of it completely within minutes.  I was transported instantly to the dream, which played out a quick, vivid scene, and then snapped right back to reality.  

I closed my eyes, when I opened them I was in my dream, on my back.  Emmanuel was trying to kiss me, but there was someone in the way.  A person was on top of me and she wouldn't move.  I looked up and saw...ME.  I was frustrated that she wouldn't move and she looked apologetic.  She whispered, "Sorry," and really looked sad for me.  Then she said, "Hi.  I'm your insecurity."  And immediately I woke up.

That's pretty deep, right?  Here's the thing, though.  Because you're my blog and I tell you everything, I'm going to be completely point-blank honest about how I feel about this whole thing.  On one hand, yes, I refuse to let him (or anyone) close enough to hurt me, while I simultaneously desperately long for that closeness.  But to be fair, just because I am skittish and wary and suspicious doesn't mean that he is WORTHY of trust.  While it's true that I'm quick to assume he'll hurt me, that doesn't mean he WON'T!  I could be RIGHT!  And the thing is, I think he will.  

Maybe I'm being unfair in my assumptions, but regardless, I don't think I'm wrong.  I would say there's a good possibility that I am getting played, that I have been (or will be) lied to, and that he is just the same as every other guy I have ever dealt with.  Who knows how many girls he's talking to.  Who knows what he's telling them.  And honestly, does he REALLY think I believe him when he says, "Oh, I was sleeping when you called.  Oh, it was loud in the bar.  Oh, I missed your call and now I'm on the phone with this pastor and I can't call you back."  Yeah right.  The deeper I get into this, the harder it will be to get out.  I've already started to catch feelings and I can't think straight anymore.  

And why is he showing up in my dreams already anyway?  Usually that doesn't happen until 6 months into a steady relationship, and we've only met twice.  And what the hell does this tarot reading mean that I did today?  The outcome was the Prince of Staves, which would tell me he's suddenly IN, with passion and enthusiasm, and he'll just as suddenly be OUT, which just as much enthusiasm, and probably for someone else.  Definitely a warning sign, a short, intense fire.  But the advice card...I got 8 of Swords.  How can that be advice?  What does that even MEAN?  I totally don't get it.  I guess I'll do some research and figure it out.

Well, I'm done with my soup and it's time for my wine.  RIP to another bottle.  

Wait.  Hold up.  Let me amend this entry because I have an earth-shattering discovery.  So, I just said I was going to do research on the 8 of Swords because it doesn't make sense as an advice card.  This is a card of bondage, trapped helplessness, being stuck.  So why would anyone give me the advice to "get stuck"?  See what I mean?

So, I plugged it into Google: "8 of Swords as advice".  The first hit I got, I will include the link below.  It's CRAAAAAZY!

Eight of Swords - Your "ego" represents the non-trusting, doubting, over-analytical part of your mind which is unable to make any decisions - always feeling very restricted, experiencing hurt or anxiety. Recognize now that your vision has been blocked because of the fear you feel "inside" - it is creating confusion. 

Trying to battle more than one issue at a time will always create indecision and cause you to waste precious energy on minor details. You are unable to think clearly now - you need help and sensible advice. Pull back now, go deep inside - seek peace and allow your "inner" voice to direct you. Stop believing you will be swamped by your emotions if you take a step toward your goals - recognize that you have done this to yourself and begin to focus on developing your potentials. Stop fearing success and power - accept the beast within you. See your abilities clearly and loose your passions - you have restrained yourself from activity long enough, avoiding the present by trying to convince yourself that there are no alternatives. These beliefs keep you hemmed in - they always provide reasons why nothing will work.

The objective, conscious mind reaches the limits of the lower "ego", which under the impact and pull of the higher emotions and compassion - realizes that to achieve even its most personal and self-oriented goals it must advance to a more mature "Ego" which encompasses more of the Universal Mind. The mind has opened to include extensions of the personal self with a mate and children and a widening circle of close friends. Now the circle must open even further. A variety of new challenges are presented with increased demands from your mental Karmic Contract. Your first reaction is to close your eyes to the magnitude of the tasks. Greater responsibility. 

The mind's role in organizing is challenged by the higher order of consciousness realized as the higher emotions' compassion and universal love bring new sensations, new data that defies rationalization. To rationalize this new process is precisely what the mind must do. With this greater ability to see the extent of order in the above, so grows the ability to see the extent of disorder in the below. The effect of the combination of the lower mental levels. Creative fruitation and self-assured expression in which the lower ego is pulsing with its potential and must pair with the maturing process of uncertainty and freedom that undergirds free will.

Questions to Answer: What actions, plans or ideas are being blocked by circumstances beyond your control? What would you like to do if you could get rid of the obstacles and blocks? Who or what could assist you to break free? What benefits do you receive by not acting? What is interfering with your creative expressions? Or your ability to communicate?

http://www.crystal-reflections.com/tarot2/rider/eight_s.htm

Baby, is it sweet, sweet, sweet the sting; Is it real, this infusion? Can it heal, where others before have failed...?

Tori Amos...that's my chick.  I feel like I've expressed my profound admiration for her before, so I won't get into idol worship this time around.  ;)  Annnnnywayyyyyy, this is going to be an EXTRA wine night.  I have so much going through my head, I feel overwhelmed.  I told myself on the way home (that's when I do a lot of my thinking, on the road at 2 AM) that I am grateful for everything that is going on and reassured myself that I can handle anything that comes my way.  With trust will come clarity.  With patience will come resolution.  I just need to continue to be authentic and genuine and never stray from the path that I know in my heart is right for me.

Sorry if I wax emotional, the wine is already starting to hit me.  I feel warm and happy, but no less confused.  First, there's work.  I was SO MAD, I usually get the highest score on the assessments.  On our final today, I missed the high score by ONE QUESTION!  Patrick beat me!  I was happy for him, though.  A little healthy competition is motivating as long as you don't let it get in the way of friendships, and at the end of the day realize it isn't that big of a deal who's in first place as long as you're all doing your best.

Wow, this raspberry cabernet is really delicious.  I wish you could taste it through the computer.  You can't, though, so take my word for it.  :)  So tomorrow at work is our mock call, which is  the reason for the excessive consumption tonight.  I'm nervous as hell.  I don't feel ready and I'm so terrified.  At the same time, I know that I'm more than capable and I have just as good a chance at complete success as anyone else does -- maybe more!  The only thing getting in my way is ME.  I wish I could just relax.  And anyway, in the end, really...it's just a JOB.  In the grand scheme of things, how important IS this mock call?  

So I'm sort of distancing myself from Emmanuel.  It isn't his fault.  I know that sounds like the "it's not you, it's me" line, but it's true.  I knew this about myself going into it, and to be fair, I told him too.  The thing is, I don't want to want anything from him.  Then I can be disappointed.  I don't want to feel anything that I would be sad to lose.  I don't want to feel so good that I become dependent on the source of the pleasure.  I thought I was okay, I tried to stay detached.  Then all of a sudden, today it just hit me like a sickness.  I kept thinking about him, how his arms felt wrapped around me, the way he smelled, the sound of his voice...AHHHH FUCK I hate when this happens.  So of course the only thing I can do now is back off until this girly bullshit goes away.  

I know it's because we had sex.  Damn that oxytocin anyway.  I thought I could be stronger than my hormones and brain chemicals, but I see that I am powerless against them once again.  There is no way that I can trust a man to have any control over my emotions.  I just can't do it.  So unfortunately, as great as he is, I'm bailing out.

My first glass of wine is empty and I feel like this is a good place to stop.  Oh but HOLD UP, I have one important question.  I look at the stats of my blog, just out of curiosity.  I don't care if nobody is reading it or one hundred million people are reading it (although I'm definitely not deluded enough to believe that is at all realistic).  The thing is, it surprises me how many views these posts get.  I don't even know who in the hell could be reading this!  I haven't shared this blog with anyone I know, and who out there in internet land would care about the things I have to say?  It kind of boggles my mind a little bit.  Besides THAT, someone +1's almost all of my entries....and I have no idea who it is.  I mean, it doesn't matter, but....well it just makes me wonder.  Anyway I'm going to watch this show about nothing (literally, it is a documentary about the nature of "nothing" or the space between subatomic particles or what ever.)  I'll give you a better description after I've watched it.  Tomorrow.  Ciao!