Howdily doodily! I have a lot to say, but I just haven't had a chance to update lately. Last week, I worked OT 4 out of 5 days so I basically LIVED at work. Then, I went out to Joth's for the fourth of July weekend. It was fun! I guess I could start there.
So, I checked my last entry and I was on the upswing. The hypomania lasted pretty much throughout the weekend, peaking on Saturday when I was so hyper that my brain felt like it was just shaking around inside of my cranium. In fact, my body WAS shaking. I was in a cleaning mood, I was singing, and totally happy. I had SO much energy that I was a little uncomfortable, but otherwise everything was good. Joth and I got along pretty well, I had a couple of dumb girl moments but we got through them.
Thursday night, we just hung out. We did some karaoke up in Josh's room and spent some quality time together. It was our first time seeing each other after the infamous fallout of horrendous doom. At first, I could feel it, the hesitation. I had hope, though, because above all things I could still feel our love for each other. But there was also a certain distance, a bridge of trust that had been temporarily withdrawn. Things were on the mend, but they weren't healed yet. Some things just take time and I know that. I tried not to be frustrated that things weren't yet where I wanted them to be. I tried to be patient and have faith that we'd get there. But it loomed there, big between us, this invisible bubble. It was distressing.
I thought that if I started drinking, the walls would come down and we could reconnect. So much of what holds me back is just fear and anxiety, and when I drink, I feel free from their grasp. It seemed to work, but only temporarily. The next day, I felt like the walls had been erected again. I got upset that things weren't the same, worried that they never WOULD be the same. Joth kept saying everything was okay, and maybe it was as okay as it COULD be, but it wasn't like it was. I feared that something important had been lost, and I doubted whether it could be replaced. Finally I just cried and told Joth how I felt, and he held me and we talked, and I realized that he wanted the same thing I wanted but things had to change for us to get there.
Friday night, we went out to my sister's to play games. It was fun! I can't tell you how amazing it feels to have a boyfriend that I can bring to family things. Do you have any idea how many pictures of family events -- cousins night, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, New Year's, whatever...that I am in pictures alone, or with my cousin Stephanie? It's not that I have been single all of those years. It's that I've had a boyfriend who was unwelcome with my family. Not that I give a shit about the approval of my family, but that's a whole OTHER entry. And obviously I don't, because I date who I want anyway. I can't deny though that it's an added bonus that I'm dating who I want AND he isn't shunned by my family. Score!
We left Heather and Matt's around 11 and I had only had a couple glasses of wine, but I saw a police officer on the way back to Joth's and it totally rattled me. I feel like I have PTSD from when my license was suspended. Seeing a cop still makes my heart race like I'm in danger of going to jail. So I started having a panic attack and Joth offered to drive, bless his soul. He's so super awesome <3 We got back to his house, grabbed his vehicle, and went to Jeff and Deanna's. We didn't get there until around 1 in the morning and I think we stayed up until about 5ish. It was an awesome time, we spent the night and in the morning headed back to Joth's.
We napped and cleaned and got ready for people to come over. Man, that night was AMAZING. The only thing that sucked was that I had to work on Sunday. I planned to go to bed by 1 but I think it was more like 3 or 4 when I actually went to sleep.
Earlier in the day, we had been downstairs talking to his mom and she was telling me that she noticed I never seem angry, I never get irritable. LOL well I certainly wasn't going to ARGUE with her. I'm flattered that she sees that side of me but on the other hand, I know that her son sees the other side and he could definitely contest that assertion. Regardless, though, it made me super happy that she seems to approve because goddess knows that makes things a million times easier. She asked me what size dress I wore and then she told me she had a dress for me from the Philippines, so Joth and I waited while she went to get it. OH MY GODDESS, it was so SUPER awesome! It's like RAINBOW with leopard or cheetah or whatever print. It's a halter style top, long dress. SUPER cool. I was totally geeked.
Later, we watched fireworks over the lake out at the dock with Jeff, Deanna, and Josh. I hula hooped a little, we talked, and became buffets for millions of hungry mosquitoes. It was amazing, though. There were like 3 or 4 different fireworks displays going around the lake, and it went for a LONG time! After that, we went back inside to do some karaoke and THAT was awesome. Deanna and I sang a whole bunch of songs together, Joth sang a few (I wish I had been able to hear him sing more, he has such an incredible voice -- I'm not saying that because I'm his girlfriend. Like, legitimately, he has a lot of talent. I love to hear him sing <3), Josh sang a few and we had a whole bunch of confusing collaborations. I was losing track a little, I'm not even sure how well I sang. My guess is probably horribly, since I had "celebrated" a LOT by that point.
At some point during all of that, Joth's mom came upstairs with a BUNCH of awesome dresses for me. You know how sometimes you go to someone's house and they give you a whole bunch of old clothes and they're hideous and you know you would NEVER wear them, and they aren't your style, and now you feel awkward because you're supposed to act grateful? Yeah well this wasn't like that at ALL. These were seriously things I would have totally picked out on my own. It was weird...and perfect! I have TONS of stuff now I can wear to Peace Fest, or in general outside. You know, if it would warm UP.
Speaking of Peace Fest (and I know this is long but I haven't updated in a while), that whole situation turned into a clusterfuck. It is finally under control and I think everything's sorted out. 2 years ago, I had a ticket for myself and for Shyloh. Then she said the place she had been living had been raided and she was broke and couldn't go. I didn't want to go alone, so I gave away our tickets. Then, like 3 days before Peace Fest, she changed her mind and I didn't have the tickets anymore. Well this time, I had one for her, one for myself, and one for Joth. Then Joth couldn't switch weekends so I offered his to Ema and decided we could just have a girls' weekend. Then, Shy texted me saying she didn't think she was going, she hates life and everything is pointless, fuck everything. So I told Fabio, who was already planning on coming and buying tickets, that I MIGHT have an extra ticket if Shy didn't go. Well, he took that as a promise.
Meanwhile, while we were at Jeff and Deanna's, Deanna was saying she wanted to go to Peace Fest and I told her I might have an extra ticket but I hadn't heard from Shy and Ema yet. I texted Shy to double check, and if she wasn't going, Fabio could have hers and Deanna could have Ema's. All of a sudden, it turns out that YES Shyloh is going AND so is Ema. Okay, well I really wanted Deanna to come with us so I bought her a ticket. I texted Fabio to let him know that Shy is coming so I do NOT have an extra ticket for him. He got all pissy with me.
Furthermore, on TUESDAY Andrew bailed on me for watching Tristan for the weekend like he had agreed to. We had a HUGE fight on the phone because I was freaking out and I thought that was SUCH an inconsiderate thing to do. He acted like he didn't even care, like oh well, find someone else. Who else do I HAVE? I lost my shit, right out there in the parking lot at work. Everyone probably heard me, I don't know. They talk about bipolar blackout rages, I don't really have those. Except maybe verbally. I get to this point where I get SO mad, and I can literally FEEL myself let go of the last little bit of control and this other part of me takes over and all hell breaks loose. So, that happened with Andrew. I was like, "FUCK YOUUUUUUUUU! I hope your weekend is HORRIBLE and I hope your whole LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE falls apart!!!!!!! I HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE you!!!!!"
Yeah. Not proud of myself. After that, we talked it over and he said he would hire a sitter and Joth had also offered to take Tristan for the weekend (WHAT a fucking SWEETHEART!!!!). I thought everything was cool but found out that Andrew planned to hire his friend Chad. Oh god, NO. Not at all. So, we're going out to Battle Creek tonight and Tristan's going to hang out with Joth and Austin for the weekend. I feel WAY more comfortable with that. Tristan is super excited, too. But anyway, so Fabio wanted a ride because now Crystal isn't coming, and I can't give him a ride because I'll be leaving from Battle Creek. So he started giving me this guilt trip and I bought his ticket so he'd have money to pay someone to bring him.
And you know what? It's all worth it, and we're going to have an awesome time, and I think that Shy, Ema, Deanna, and I are going to get along awesome as a weird crazy ADD camp CHICKEN POT PIEEEEEEEEEEEE. Super excited to see our Hoodilidoo friends, too.
I had more to say, but I think this has gone on long enough. I will have to post again....when I return from Peace Fest!!!!!
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