I hate when I wait so long to blog!!!!!!!!! There's no way I could update everything that has happened since my last entry, and it's all important. I guess I'll just have to summarize, starting with Peace Fest.
Peace Fest was great. When Deanna and I got there, I tried finding the Camp Chicken Pot Pie site from Hoodilidoo. The layout had changed, though, and I couldn't really find it. On our search, we came upon a site that had a tent with a keg under it and the guy at that site invited us to camp there, so we set our tent down and started drinking because it was too hot to set up the tent anyway. Joth let us use his tent and sent us with a whole bunch of stuff like a little stove, lights, batteries, walkie talkies, tools, other supplies. Truthfully, I ran into situations in which I could have used a lot of the things we had, but much of the time was incapable of remembering or using those things anyway. It was a good weekend. :)
So later, Fabio and his friend James showed up and set up their tents. James had a smaller tent which he set up INSIDE of Fabio's tent...that ended up being a hilarious joke to all of us around the campfire later. Deanna and I were then too drunk to set up our tent so we continued to put it off. Finally, Shyloh and Ema showed up and we all ended up back by the campfire.
The guy with the keg was an ex military guy and it was his birthday. His name was Bo. There was another guy sleeping on a foam couch and I never did catch his name, he's just "the guy on the couch". There was another guy playing his drum the whole night and talking with us about the government, quantum physics, chem trails, conspiracies, and all the other deep amazing topics that should be discussed by hippies around a campfire. His name was Eric. Our group was laughing SO HARD for SO LONG around that fire.
Ema made us s'mores, Eric gave us Jolly Ranchers, James kept exclaiming how amazed he was that he hadn't lost his cigarettes (which was not so amazing considering that he had sat in the same exact spot for like 7 hours), and Deanna wandered off. Someone brought her back later, though, and she had an epic battle with a can of beef stew. She eventually conquered it, though. It was a magical bonfire -- it literally lasted ALL NIGHT (from like midnight to 7 ish) without adding ANY WOOD. Now that I think about that, it can't be right. But none of us noticed anyone adding wood to it!
I missed Joth a lot and I kept texting him. I was having a great time, but I was also feeling incomplete. It's hard to describe this because I don't want to sound dependent on him. I am my own person and I am perfectly capable of enjoying myself without Joth. But the thing is, everything is so much MORE enjoyable with him. It's like experiencing something without one of your senses. Sure, you can still enjoy it, but a piece of it is missing which would add to the feeling of complete satisfaction. No, I can't even compare it to a sense. He truly is the other half of my soul. Part of ME was gone...which isn't the way it sounds. I wasn't despondent, miserable, or incapable of happiness. The more I try to explain this, the more I fall short of what I mean. Sometimes words aren't sufficient, and this is one of those times.
Anyway, on Saturday we all went down to the beach. First we went to South Haven, which was breathtakingly beautiful. Then, we went to a smaller beach that we could actually swim at. We splashed each other, threw each other in, and Fabio and Eric wrestled in the water. Shy and James did not get in, party poopers. When we returned, I was sooooooo exhausted from having stayed up all night but it was soooooooo hot, like a zillion degrees. There was no way I could get a nap...where would I sleep? The tent was like a sauna, and there wasn't any shade. I relaxed for a while until it was time to start drinking. Deanna's boyfriend showed up, to our surprise. Apparently he had been worried about her so he decided to track her down. She didn't seem very happy about it, but they ended up hanging out.
I missed Joth even more, because then the dynamic had changed. It was no longer 2 chicks hanging out getting to know each other while their boyfriends were both back home. But, it was the experience I needed. I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet, to be able to have my own experience independent of anyone else's involvement. I interacted with other people but I was driving my own train, I guess. I followed Fabio around for a while, then I followed Shyloh and Ema for a while. We watched some fire performers, Fabio played Magic the Gathering with some of his friends, this guy showed us some of his art and gave us sangria, I danced by the stage, and finally became so exhausted that I headed back to the camp site before they even lit the big fire. I totally missed it.
I took a nap and when I woke up, our fellow campers were back with a few extras. There were like 4 guys playing guitar, Deanna was singing, and Bobby was spinning some glow poi. Bobby camped with us at Hoodilidoo. I sat down by Deanna and we sang for a while, I chatted with Bobby about universal consciousness and the divine spark, chatted with Eric a little bit, then went to bed as dawn was breaking. At 10 AM, I called in to work and we ended up leaving around 1. Ema gave Eric a blank journal for us to use as our Peace Fest yearbook. Everyone signed it, and he brought it around the rest of the grounds to get other people to sign it. I can't wait for next year, I know it's going to be epic because Joth will be there! This year was pretty great, though. I did need that.
When I returned, I was over-exhausted and emotional. Joth sat there by me, let me cry on his shoulder, soothed and comforted me, and talked to me. He was completely calm and patient and compassionate even though I was irrationally depressed, until it became directed at him. I learned something there. It went on for hours, and during no part of this meltdown did he become impatient, upset, irritated, or anything. But there came a point that everything shifted, because I got irritable. I could feel it rising up. I was talking, and he was just listening. That's it! Listening!
But sometimes, when someone is listening to me and I just keep explaining and explaining and explaining my point and they don't respond, so I keep rambling and rambling and they still have nothing to say, for some unknown reason I feel rage building up and I become so angry at them! I feel like they aren't listening, or that they don't care because they aren't participating in the conversation. As hard as this is to believe, I can't stand one sided conversations. Sometimes, though, I'm incapable of stopping myself so I depend on the other person to take their turn. And when they don't, BAM. Instabitch. So that happened, and from that point forward there was discord. *sigh*
I went to bed early with Tristan and waited for Joth to come to bed, which also contributed to feelings of rejection because Scott had come over and they were playing this game and I didn't really feel like Joth wanted to come to bed, ever. After all of his convincing me to spend the night so we could snuggle, and where was he anyway? I felt like I might as well have gone home. Things weren't good, and I could feel it. I felt him distance himself from me. The next day, when I went to leave, the kisses didn't feel the same. He kept insisting nothing was wrong, but come on. We are both so sensitive to the energies of the other that it's a complete joke to think either one of us could fool the other. Not gonna happen. So we went through all of this separation, talking about it, coming back together by mid-week. We were both so excited to spend last weekend together and have a re-do, to make up for the blahhhhhhh.
But then, last weekend happened and it was awfulness in epic proportions. At first it was good, I was happy, feeling excited. I wanted to just pour love all over Joth and have a fantastic weekend of fun and awesomeness with the kids. You know, I don't even have time to go into this right now.
PS, Bryan added his photos of Peace Fest to his photography page and I found one of Deanna and me. I have been obsessing over my stomach hardCORE. What happened to me. Why am I not doing yoga anymore. Why am I eating at Taco Bell and Little Caesar's. Where did my discipline go? NO MORE. Although, to be fair, my stomach looks EXTRA chubby in that picture and I do have others that portray me in a very different and much less fat way. Either way, though. I just started my Ayurvedic Lifestyle Consultant course (yayyyyyy! It's going to take a few months but I'll get the certification when I complete the course, so my goal to do that before age 35 will actually be realized! Funny how we set intentions and forget about them, but the Universe does not). It is time to recommit to health. I will feel so much better when I start taking better care of me, too. Okay that's all I have time for, gotta get ready for work!
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