I don't know what to choose for a title or a picture, so on with it then. It's Friday, my day off. Yayyyyy. I have a few more updates so I'm going to finish what I didn't get to in the last entry. Mood tracking = super manic. Well, maybe not SUPER. I'm not shaking and I didn't wake up a zillion times last night. On a scale of one to ten, then, maybe a seven. I'm super happy though!
Yoga tracking, well. That's what Sundays are good for, right? Except I don't know if I'll even get to it on Sunday because Josh is throwing Joth a party and I'll probably go, even though I have to work on Sunday AND on Monday. But that's my man (totally not meant in a possessive way) and I definitely want to be there to support him.
Check in with work, well, my numbers had dropped LOWWWWWWWW but I brought them back up, somehow. I got called in to the boss' office yesterday and was given my final warning. I already knew that it was coming, but it was still a little jarring. When I got the "log into coaching and come to my office" email, I got all scared and nervous. I thought for a moment that I might actually be getting fired.
Kids...oh, there's some news there! One of my obstacles in moving to Battle Creek was that Andrew kept trying to cause problems by objecting to me taking Tristan. I am not an unfair mother. Let's be real, I pay them $25 a week. I pay for Tristan's insurance, he sleeps here every night except on his dad's weekends twice a month. I paid for all of his school lunch, I take him to his doctor, psychiatrist, dentist, and eye doctor appointments. This isn't anything new, either. Tristan may have lived with Blair and Rachel for a couple years, but at no point has Andrew EVER been his primary caregiver. He has never paid any child support, never attended any conference, never done any real PARENTING.
Andrew wasn't even the one objecting, though. It was always Sarah and her control freak tendencies. I don't know what the FUCK was the matter with her, but she always irritated me with trying to get overinvolved in a situation that only minimally had to do with her. She was the one who called CPS, she was the one who said they were going to go for full custody, SHE was the one who spoke up in court for the termination of guardianship. She has slapped my child so hard his nose bled, threw him across a room, spanked him, and called him names. She tried to make rules about what Tristan's counselor could and couldn't talk about at their house, and also tried to throw her weight around trying to force Tristan to see a different counselor. She just needs to mind her own business.
But anyway, the good news is that Andrew is a rather uninvolved parent AND husband. She's tired of his bullshit and they're getting divorced. I'm staying out of it, I haven't taken any sides. Why should I? This has nothing to do with me. I don't talk about it to Tristan. I don't like Sarah, I don't like Andrew. Andrew is Tristan's dad and if he wants to be in his life, cool. We'll make that happen. Sarah can go jump off a cliff. But anyway, they told me that I have to find daycare for Tristan because he's had some trouble getting along with his sisters.
I'm not making excuses for him, but there is a lot of tension in that household. Tristan is very sensitive, he picks up on that stuff. I notice that lately he has an attitude, he seems testy. Do they think the kids don't notice that? This is not an excuse, he should still very much be held accountable for his behavior. But telling him he can't come there anymore? What would you do if it was your daughter? If she couldn't get along with her siblings, would you send HER to daycare? This sends the message to Tristan that he is less important. To be real, Sarah sends that message to Tristan ALL THE TIME. I don't mind.
This will make things that much easier for me to leave, because Andrew won't fight it. He doesn't want to do any of the hard work that comes with parenting. He just wants to come home drunk at like 9 or 10 PM after Sarah has been taking care of the kids all day and take credit for being some awesome dad. Yeah, whatever.
When I GOT there the other day to pick up Tristan at around 9, Andrew was ON HIS BACK in front of their trailer door. He was drunk off his ass (haha, literally) and was yelling for Sarah to come help him up. She was actively ignoring him. I was embarrassed for him. I saw shades of his alcoholic father. I remember when we lived with Tim, I'd hear his first beer crack before dawn broke. He didn't even pack any food in his lunch cooler, just 4 beers. Then he'd come home, sit at the table and drink beer in his chair until he passed out at the table. What a life. I'm so glad I'm not with Andrew anymore. Imagine the agony of spending your life entangled with someone so chained to their addiction. No, thanks. And he's going to throw it all away, just like his dad did. History repeats itself.
Wow, that got somber. HAPPY STUFF TIME! So, I didn't lose my job. I got a new phone. I started my Ayurveda course. Andrew and Sarah are getting divorced. I called Darren and he submitted my resume for 2 more jobs. Things are actually super great right now with Joth and I. Last weekend wasn't ENTIRELY horrible -- first, the kids and I stopped to Choices (a new age store) and I got some patchouli oil, a yellow calcite globe, a feather and an abalone shell for smudging, tektite for grounding, some patchouli soap, and some stuff for the kids. We got Joth, then we went to see the movie Inside Out. That movie was great! I mean, seriously. It was a hilarious kids' movie, but at the same time, it was amazingly deep. It was metaphorically rich and described emotions in an amazingly accurate and eye-opening way. I really loved that movie. I cried AND laughed so hard.
Then, we got my phone and came home, drank, and I was experiencing some super mania super irritation anxiety agitation restless paranoia. My mind was way over active. I drank an energy shot, which didn't help anything. I drank some alcohol, which actually DID kind of help. But it didn't. I was feeling insecure and my mind took that feeling and ran with it. It sucked for Joth, I know it did. But what I hope he understands is that it was horrible for ME, too. I would never have chosen it. I didn't want that. I was overtaken by some demon of darkness which was crushing all of the joy out of my soul. I was gripped in the sharp talon of some merciless beast which was tearing at my brain, and I could not get free. I was a helpless prisoner of my oppressive emotions, chained to misery and sorrow, tormented by suspicion and thoughts of unworthiness and inadequacy. If there is a hell, that's what it's like. That place I was in. I knew it had nothing to do with reality. It still existed. Like a bad trip.
Anyway, Joth talked me through it and things were okay. The next day, we went to a pancake breakfast at the fire barn and walked to the coffee shop. A magnificent amazing storm rushed through, unexpectedly, blowing around its wind and pouring down its rain all over everything. Michigan weather is a lot like my moods.
We went home and hung out for a little bit. Joth gave me a wonderful massage while we watched Powder, and I started randomly crying for no reason. He told me it was normal, it reminded me of when I was 15 and first started taking medication. Everyone would know if I forgot to take my pill because I would uncontrollably cry for no reason. I hated that feeling. But then things took a turn for the weird and the bizarre. I was trying to explain things, and I used an example that touched a nerve with Joth. It had meant nothing to me, it was just a simple analogy. I use analogies all the time to explain things. He read something into it that wasn't there and got upset, and the more I tried to make things better, the more I made things worse.
We had an epic argument. Part of it was that I was raw, emotionally open and still pretty tender. I definitely overreacted and went to the nearly suicidal place. I was overcome with sorrow. I was sobbing and couldn't stop. I felt so misunderstood, and maybe he did too. I don't know. I was so consumed with my own despair that I couldn't really understand much else. Finally I decided I was going to go downtown and have some fun. Everyone ended up coming with me and it was okay. It was like when you put a patch on something and it looks good, but there's still the tear or the stain or the damage below the patch. We ate some barbecue, got some ice cream, and bought some sparklers.
We brought the sparklers back home and drank some more. Then we walked back downtown to watch the band Wayland, it was an awesome show. The kids loved it, although it was a little loud. Tristan said, "It's so loud it's vibrating all of my chakras!" Hahaha, I love that kid. Anyway, then we walked back and put the kids to bed. We drank some more and had some awesome discussions. Joth really explained some things in a way that spoke to me, he really made a lot of sense and I updated my perspective based on the case he was making. But then, well, then we argued. I'm not going to go into details.
Mentally, I don't want to go back there. We were having sex, and it was awesome. He stopped and we were discussing some worries he had, and I was just assuring him that everything was okay. Everything would be okay, everything was fine. Whatever happened, I was enjoying myself and the outcome didn't matter so he could just relax and have some fun. But somehow it morphed into the biggest....I wouldn't even call it an argument. But he was extremely upset. He started bringing up the first night, when I had been irrational. And the daytime, when we had had that argument. We had to revisit those topics and then it turned horrible. HORRIBLE.
I know that I said the whole weekend was horrible to the zillionth power, but now that I type it out, it wasn't actually that bad. We had some good moments. I think it would serve me well to focus more on those. Well, Tristan's counselor is coming and then he has an eye doctor appointment and then we're picking up Shyloh and heading to Joth's. Oh yeah, I got my hair cut. Yay! Okay the picture is an actual picture I took from the coffee shop in Wayland.
No comments:
Post a Comment