Nah not really. I'm definitely not giving my heart away anytime soon...I just like that song. SO. Today has been a little strange. I got home last night and was unusually exhausted. I didn't want any wine, I didn't want to blog, I didn't want to watch TV. I felt a bit out of sorts. Then this morning I woke up feeling sad. I actually cried a few times and I really had no idea why. I felt this sadness I couldn't quite place, but it wasn't really a SAD sadness, if that makes any sense. It was an intensity of emotion, both sorrow and joy mixed together, neither but both. Like, a joyful sorrow. Or a sorrowful joy. It's the feeling you get when you remember happy memories you had with someone who is not and can not be in your life, not a feeling like you wish things were different, but honoring the happy moments they gave you. Or the feeling you get when you think of someone you love very much and miss them terribly, yet you know that they are happy and their place is not with you so it's not that you have any desire to change that situation.
Nothing in particular triggered this emotion, it seemed to just come out of the blue. I think, though, subconsciously I may have been thinking of Sienna. I saw a video of her smiling and clapping and her 8 month pictures that her parents posted to Facebook 2 days ago. I guess maybe some part of me has been ruminating on that. It hurts, but not in a way that indicates something is wrong or things should be different. It just hurts because I love her so much and I miss her. But it fills me with joy and happiness at the same time because she is blossoming like the beautiful precious flower that she is and she has everything she deserves, the opportunity to experience the happiest most uncomplicated life that I could never have given her. She has everything I wanted her to have, and I'm not talking about material things. I just love to see her face light up like it does, and know that she will not have to grow up with the worry, confusion, or damage that she could not have escaped had N been in her life.
I have learned to pay close attention to the signals my intuition and emotions give me to guide me through the choices I make in life. This feeling of peaceful contentment only comes when I have done something right. I have no doubts about that.
I would never say adoption is easy, because it's not. It's a sacrifice. It really bothers me when mothers say, "Oh, you're so strong for being able to do that. I could never do that." Because when they say that, they are imagining the children they have, and imagining the thought of just handing them over for no reason. They are not, as we'd say at work, "comparing apples to apples".
You think that you love your children so much you couldn't part with them. But if you were in a situation where it would be the only way to give them a real shot at a normal life, I know you'd take the pain on their behalf. BECAUSE you love them so much. You haven't pictured yourself as a scared pregnant woman in an abusive relationship with a married man who shamelessly parades his girlfriends in front of his wife and daughters without ever considering the damage he's doing. You haven't agonized over whether he'd lose his temper and hurt the baby if ever left alone with her. You haven't had to consider that he'd be in and out of the child's life like he is with the children he already has, leaving her to wonder why Daddy doesn't love her. You haven't wondered about the impact it would have on this child to bond with a man who could very well at any given second get caught selling drugs and go to jail. Last but not least, you have not had to be the one to ask yourself if you would be happy if this little girl grew up to date a man like that. I think people would be surprised by the things they COULD do.
Anyway, I got off topic. So I was in a strange kind of blue-tinged mood. Then, I got to work. Today we had another graded mock call and a written assessment. I got 98% on the first two assessments, so although I was nervous about the mock call because I totally bombed the last one, I thought at least I'd have a good score on the assessment to balance it out. 4 wrong questions later, I started to freak out. I almost cried as soon as I realized I wasn't getting a 98% again. I decided it was over for me, I was just going to quit. I decided instead to just give it my all and let the chips fall where they may.
To my great delight, although I had only scored an 85%, our trainer informed us that no one had scored higher than 85%. To top it all off, when I did my mock call, I NAILED it. I got marked down for not offering a higher package, but no big deal! Last week I didn't know the system, I couldn't find any of the information I needed, I was lost and confused and felt like I was in way over my head. This week, I was confident and competent. All the things I struggled with last week came with the greatest of ease. So, although I didn't score a perfect score, it was a win in my eyes.
I'm going to sleep now, not because I'm tired, but because I get to pick up the kids in the morning!!! YAYYYY!
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