And I'm not scared, of your stolen power...I see right through you any hour...

Some amazing things are happening in my life.  All I had to do was let go of my expectations and stay in the present moment, aligned with the flow of the universe.  I feel like I have been planting seeds and they are starting to sprout, wonderfully amazing blessings cropping up everywhere.  I am so grateful and happy, and in awe of the existence I am part of.  Just, WOW.

A couple of things have been in the works over the past few days that culminated today.  For starters, I saw Sue today at Heart's Journey.  I explained to her how I have been trying everything I can with meditation, mantras, yoga, positive thinking, affirmations, binaural beats, subliminal messages, self-hypnosis, and mindfulness to overcome my bipolar naturally.  I told her about this article I read that stated that Eastern cultures have less people diagnosed with bipolar and their conclusion that it is 1) all in your head and 2) can be overcome through spiritual discipline.

She surprised me by saying that she thinks I do need some medication.  She told me that it is very rare (an anomaly, she said) for her to ever recommend medication.  But she said unfortunately in my case my issues are organic and I have no control over them.  

She said that people in Eastern cultures have a less stressful lifestyle than people here do, so while those things may be sufficient for most of them, I have other factors to take into account -- my schedule is not in line with my body's natural rhythms for sleeping, I am exposed to a work schedule and technology all day, traffic, and financial stressors.  She said maybe if I was working in a rice field all day I could just burn off my extra energy that way and it would work out, but that's not my life.  

Also she said that most of the things I'm doing are REACTIVE, and that I should consider doing more things that are PROACTIVE -- like setting my sankalpa (daily intention), telling myself at the beginning of the day that I am calm.  She said I need to change my story, and that I AM a peaceful centered person, I am just not accessing it.  At the end of the session she taught me the Anamika mudra for self-healing and guided me through a really powerful meditation.  I seriously felt like a different person when I was finished -- I'm telling you, that woman is amazing.  I can't wait to see her again next week.  

So there was that.  Secondly, I have missed the last bunch of sister circle meetings because the new moon and full moon have fallen on days that I was working or had the kids.  The new moon is on Sunday and she posted an invite, which I'm super excited about because I don't work on Sunday!  Also she posted information for us ladies taking a day to do a sweat lodge on a Saturday or Monday, and the Saturday is a day I don't have the kids.  So if it gets scheduled for that day, I feel like it would be very beneficial for me to go.  I am really looking forward to stepping up my spiritual health.

I notice that in life, certain things ebb and flow, like waves.  I go through periods of intense spiritual focus and progress (like now), which are followed by reflective resting periods during which I focus on more mundane matters, like work and my home.  Then I enter a new phase of spirituality and eventually flow back into the practical.  It is, like everything in nature, all about balance.  I am really learning to cherish and appreciate every moment.

The final thing, which may very well be the most stunning thing, is that out of nowhere I started talking to this guy who is unlike anyone I have ever encountered in my life.  I really didn't ever plan on dating men ever again, and I was reluctant to engage in any kind of conversation with him at first.  But his user name was Third Eye Mindset, which really spoke to me.  Eventually my curiosity got the better of me and I've been talking to him for a few days.  Everything he says feels like a script he has pulled right out of my brain.  He has talked about chakra balancing, vibrational frequencies, activating the pineal gland, food as medicine (which is something I was just saying I wanted to learn about to incorporate into my holistic approach to my psychological health), the law of attraction, intuition -- everything.  It's FREAKY.  He even says the same things that I have thought about Jesus, Buddha, and Mohammed being "ascended masters", the all paths lead to god thing, what you see in the world is a reflection of what's inside you, and basically echoed my sentiment that my relationship with the divine transcends religion.

If I were to list all the things we have in common, I would be typing for hours.  I know that I often get caught up in the infatuation of a romantic attachment and my idealistic nature causes me to get wrapped up in fantasy and expectation, which ultimately lead to reality and disappointment.  I'm trying not to do that here.  Expectation is the root of all suffering.  I'm not going to write the story into the future and plan what his role is going to be in my life because I don't know yet what it will be.  I will just trust that I am divinely guided and take each day as it comes.  I will tell you, though, the present moment is ripe with wonderful possibilities.  I can't wait to find out what's in store for me.  :)

We create our own, our own reality, Everything in the world, is a reflection of the Me...

MAN, I almost forgot how much I freaking LOVE Kellee Maize!!!  Lyrically she is amazing.  I have never heard another performer speak right to my soul the way she does, because she speaks of things that align with my personal perspective.  That's a rare treat, and her music makes me so very happy.

On a less happy note, our training got extended by six weeks.  At first, that doesn't seem like a big deal.  We'll be on the 5pm-2am Monday-Friday schedule longer.  Tonight we realized, though, that that would take us through the holidays.  This means that, although we have Christmas Day off, we have to work until 2am on Christmas Eve.  And although we have New Year's DAY off....you guessed it.  We're ringing in the new year together.  I'm a little bummed, but it is what it is.  By next year, I'll have two weeks of paid vacation and four floating holidays.  I  guess I can suck it up this year for the greater good.  Besides, Winter Solstice falls on a Saturday, so I can at least celebrate Yule with the kids.  Christmas is more about family, i.e. Mom, Dad, Blair, Heather, Grandma, Grandpa, etc.  Everything will be okay.

So,  tonight I am really classing it up.  I am the epitome of sophistication, drinking wine out of a washed spaghetti jar.  All of the other cups are in the dishwasher right now, and honestly I don't really care.  I don't need to impress myself -- I already know I'm awesome.  ;)

I'm thinking about deleting yesterday's entry, or at least significantly modifying it.  As a matter of fact, I'm definitely going to edit it.  What if I die and my family finds this blog?  For the most part, I live unapologetically.  Hmmm, it looks like that isn't actually a word.  Oh well, it is now!  ANYway, it's not that I'm ashamed, it's more that I think my sexuality isn't really an area that others really need detailed information about.  I'm not a terribly private person, but I don't really need to put it all out there like that.

As much as I like to consider myself a free-spirited go-with-the-flow unbridled gypsy without borders, it turns out that I am actually quite a creature of habit.  I wake up around noon, watch TV for about an hour, then I do yoga for a half hour, put on music and hoop dance for a half hour, take a shower, get dressed for work, pack my lunch, take a quick nap, and leave.  Then when I get out of work, I come home, have some wine, blog, and go to sleep.  

But, see, this is precisely the point I was trying to make about being single.  When I was dating Holly (if you can really even call it that), I wasted so much time on the phone with her.  I had obligations to text her back and chat with her on Facebook.  My time was not really my own anymore and I kind of resented that, I felt that being in a relationship was cramping my style.  I have a limited amount of free time and I like to spend it doing whatever I want.  Does that make me sound selfish?  Oh well!  I don't care if it does, because for...ohhhhh, 16 years my entire life has always revolved around someone else.  I have been an extension of some guy, or some girl, molding myself to better fit into their lifestyle, compromising myself, losing touch of my individuality.  No more!  

I have counseling tomorrow, but it's not in Kalamazoo.  I was going to the same office that Tristan's counselor is in, but I realized that Allendale is not very far from my work.  Besides that, I really clicked with Sue (in Allendale, at the Heart's Journey Yoga and Wellness Center).  She was right up my alley with all the yoga and mindfulness, a more Eastern/holistic approach.  I have never had another counselor like her in my life and I really feel like she's the one from whom I will benefit the most.  I'm very excited to see her again.

Well, I need to go edit some stuff.  Peace out!

I've got chillllllls, they're multiplyin'...and I'm looooooosin' control....

Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my HOLY FREAKING SHIT!!!  So, I was driving home about a half hour ago.  I was in the right lane, almost home.  The car in front of me was going reallllllllly slow, so I decided to pass.  As I passed the car, I thought to myself, "Something feels weird about that car."  My, uhhhh, 'other self' replied, "Oh my gosh, you are SO WEIRD.  You have to try to find some mystical deeper meaning in every single stupid little thing that ha--"

BAM.  I ran over a big, huge, whole entire dead deer.  My car bounced up in the air and came down so hard my head STILL hurts.  Luckily I am okay and my car is okay, but I was thinking...damn, what if that deer had been ALIVE?  Or, what if I hadn't decided to pass that car?  Is this some kind of a wake-up call from  the Universe?  If it is, I don't know what it means.  But check this out.  Something else weird happened today.

So, I'm on this dating site.  It's the same one I met Holly on.  I don't fit in anyone's boxes regarding sexuality and I don't really feel like I need a label -- and besides, whatever I call myself, someone is going to disagree.  Lesbians do not believe bisexuality exists.  I will say that, at least in my case, it is legitimate.  True, I do not find men as attractive physically, but I see people differently once I have fallen in love with who they are.  Anyway, I do like men and women.  I want different things in a relationship with a man than I do with a woman, and of course it has to be the RIGHT man or the RIGHT woman, but I can't in all honesty say that I am a lesbian.  I can't say either that I'm straight.  It IS easier for me to trust women, and I feel like I can get closer and on a more deep and intimate level with a woman, but I have more animalistic passion with a man.

Anyway, so when I am drawn to a man, it is usually for the wrong reasons.  It is because he strikes me as alpha-male, dominant, and I feel helpless and vulnerable by comparison.  There is a certain thrill to that.

Obviously, giving in to this temptation leads me into relationships with losers.  How can it not?  Guys like this are bad news.  They are bad.  They will bring nothing good to your life, and a little excitement is definitely not worth turning your entire life upside down.  

Sometimes I backslide.  I started talking to this guy on the dating site who came at me in just the right way.  If a guy has the guts to just say it like it is...damn, I melt.  It's a problem, I know.  So anyway I was totally planning on hooking up with this guy.  He wasn't all that cute, but I was so turned on by the things he was saying.....and I'm not going to let this get X-rated so we'll just leave it at that.  I went to send him a message at work, I totally planned on asking if he was going to be awake after 2 am because I wanted to get laid TONIGHT.  

To my surprise, when I went to log into my account, it had somehow been deleted.  I have no idea what happened.  Did my douchebag ex hack into it?  I WAS dumb enough to use the same password I use for everything, and he knows what it is.  I guess I just thought he moved on, like I have, and realized there's no use in fucking with me anymore.  I really doubt it was him, though.  But I can't understand what happened.  I hadn't broken any rules or anything of the sort.  In any case, though, I took it as a sign.   Thank you, Universe, for protecting me from myself.  Whatever I may have gotten myself into tonight, I doubt it would have resulted in anything good.  I have to keep my head in the game.  I have to resist temptation and keep on a good path.  I can NOT mess this up again.

Well, I'm hungry and I'm going to eat a cookie.  Good night!

Gonna give my heart away, leave it to the other girls to play, 'cause I have been a temptress, too long...

Nah not really.  I'm definitely not giving my heart away anytime soon...I just like that song.  SO.  Today has been a little strange.  I got home last night and was unusually exhausted.  I didn't want any wine, I didn't want to blog, I didn't want  to watch TV.  I felt a bit out of sorts.  Then this morning I woke up feeling sad.  I actually cried a few times and I really had no idea why.  I felt this sadness I couldn't quite place, but it wasn't really a SAD sadness, if that makes any sense.  It was an intensity of emotion, both sorrow and joy mixed together, neither but both.  Like, a joyful sorrow.  Or a sorrowful joy.  It's  the feeling you get when you remember happy memories you had with someone who is not and can not be in your life, not a feeling like you wish things were different, but honoring the happy moments they gave you.  Or the feeling you get when you think of someone you love very much and miss them terribly, yet you know that they are happy and their place is not with you so it's not that you have any desire to change that situation.  

Nothing in particular triggered this emotion, it seemed to just come out of the blue.  I think, though, subconsciously I may have been thinking of Sienna.  I saw a video of her smiling and clapping and her 8 month pictures that her parents posted to Facebook 2 days ago.  I guess maybe some part of me has been ruminating on that.  It hurts, but not in a way that indicates something is wrong or things should be different.  It just hurts because I love her so much and I miss her.  But it fills me with joy and happiness at the same time because she is blossoming like the beautiful precious flower that she is and she has everything she deserves, the opportunity to experience the happiest most uncomplicated life that I could never have given her.  She has everything I wanted her to have, and I'm not talking about material things.  I just love to see her face light up like it does, and know that she will not have to grow up with the worry, confusion, or damage that she could not have escaped had N been in her life.  

I have learned to pay close attention to the signals my intuition and emotions give me to guide me through the choices I make in life.  This feeling of peaceful contentment only comes when I have done something right.  I have no doubts about that.  

I would never say adoption is easy, because it's not.  It's a sacrifice.  It really bothers me when mothers say, "Oh, you're so strong for being able to do that.  I could never do that."  Because when they say that, they are imagining the children they have, and imagining the thought of just handing them over for no reason.  They are not, as we'd say at work, "comparing apples to apples".  

You think that you love your children so much you couldn't part with them.  But if you were in a situation where it would be the only way to give them a real shot at a normal life, I know you'd take the pain on their behalf.  BECAUSE you love them so much.  You haven't pictured yourself as a scared pregnant woman in an abusive relationship with a married man who shamelessly parades his girlfriends in front of his wife and daughters without ever considering the damage he's doing.  You haven't agonized over whether he'd lose his temper and hurt the baby if ever left alone with her.  You haven't had to consider that he'd be in and out of the child's life like he is with the children he already has, leaving her to wonder why Daddy doesn't love her.  You haven't wondered about the impact it would have on this child to bond with a man who could very well at any given second get caught selling drugs and go to jail.  Last but not least, you have not had to be the one to ask yourself if you would be happy if this little girl grew up to date a man like that.  I think people would be surprised by the things they COULD do.

Anyway, I got off topic.  So I was in a strange kind of blue-tinged mood.  Then, I got to work.  Today we had another graded mock call and a written assessment.  I got 98% on the first two assessments, so although I was nervous about the mock call because I totally bombed the last one, I thought at least I'd have a good score on the assessment to balance it out.  4 wrong questions later, I started to freak out.  I almost cried as soon as I realized I wasn't getting a 98% again.  I decided it was over for me, I was just going to quit.  I decided instead to just give it my all and let the chips fall where they may.

To my great delight, although I had only scored an 85%, our trainer informed us that no one had scored higher than 85%.  To top it all off, when I did my mock call, I NAILED it.  I got marked down for not offering a higher package, but no big deal!  Last week I didn't know the system, I couldn't find any of the information I needed, I was lost and confused and felt like I was in way over my head.  This week, I was confident and competent.  All the things I struggled with last week came with the greatest of ease.  So, although I didn't score a perfect score, it was a win in my eyes.  

I'm going to sleep now, not because I'm tired, but because I get to pick up the kids in the morning!!!  YAYYYY!

Blame it on my A.D.D., baby...

I discovered a way as I was driving home from work tonight that mania may be slightly dangerous.  It's like being in a constant state of A.D.D., which is why one of my psychiatrists believed that I was mistakenly diagnosed with A.D.D. when I was 15.  He thinks the diagnosis was incorrect and that it was just my bipolar symptoms presenting.  Anywho, I was driving down the highway and got behind a truck which was going pretty slow.  Instantly, without thinking, I grabbed my phone and I was about to start playing on Facebook -- as I drove!  Thank goodness I realized how unsafe that was.  What am I going to do with myself???

Speaking of the ride home, I noticed snowflakes falling.  I guess this would be an appropriate time to accept that summer is over.  :)  I have been complaining about things all day, but I realized after work that I just need to re-frame things and they are all positive.  When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

Winter is beautiful.  I am looking forward to snuggling with my family and having quality conversations over steaming mugs.  The feeling of being snuggled up in a warm fluffy blanket.  The peaceful feeling of being curled up on the couch with a good book.  The pristine beauty of snow blanketing the earth.  I dread every winter, but this year I've decided to get excited about it.  It's a chance to switch up my wardrobe, try new recipes (because who likes baking when it's hot out???), see new movies, learn new things.

Also I was disappointed at one of the modules we learned in training.  I was being very grouchy about it because I felt that it was taught very poorly and the reference materials were not adequate to be able to explain the procedure on their own.  I got through the task but had no idea how I had done it, and none of the instructions given had been clear at all.  No step by step procedure was provided and I was so frustrated.  BUT, then I realized how lucky I am to have this job to begin with.

When you include shift differential, I'm actually making MORE than I did at my last job.  Besides THAT, I have benefits, so I can get my teeth fixed -- which is a big deal to me.  I broke some teeth in my car accident and the cap on my front tooth broke off, so I've been dealing with that for over a year.  I'm accustomed to it and it doesn't bother me, but I do feel like people judge me because of it.  They probably think I smoked too much crack or something.

Anyway, so I'll have paid sick days, 2 weeks of paid vacation, paid holidays (or double time if you work on a holiday), tuition reimbursement, AND commission of about 600-900 PER MONTH on top of what I'm making already.  In short, I can overlook the imperfections of this job.  I will any frustration or dissatisfaction and remember to put it in perspective.  I can deal with an unclear module -- it's certainly not worth quitting over.

OH.  So you remember my full moon intention, to grow my energy and motivation and all that?  WELL.  This morning after I woke up, I did yoga.  Then, I grabbed my hoop and turned on some music and got a GREAT, invigorating, mood-lifting workout.  I felt like a million bucks.  I was in such a good mood on the way to work, noticing the breathtaking beauty of the rays of sun poking randomly through the clouds streaked across the sky.  I  think we really take for granted most of the time the beauty of the world that surrounds us.  There's so much to be grateful for.

Oh, AND we're starting a running club at work.  Yes!!!  My running shoes have been sitting in my car, unused for 3 weeks.  My mom signed me up to run a 5k on December 1 (eeek!) so I really need to be training.  This is JUST the motivation I needed.  :)  Well, I'm drinking wine again, so I should probably cut this short.  Good night!

You're gonna hear me ROAR!

I know, I'm not really that into pop or top 40 or whatever.  But I have to admit, Katy Perry's new song is very empowering.  Every time I hear it, I get really pumped up.  I feel like I'm taller, brighter, capable, and strong.  I'm very happy that this type of positive song is what teen girls today are hearing, and hope that I hear more like it in the future.

It's almost 3:00 AM, so please bear that in mind as you read this.  I got out of work an hour ago, of course.  I am sipping some raspberry cabernet that my grandma gave me -- freaking DELICIOUS.  I love this stuff.  Wine is exactly what the doctor ordered, I believe.  :)

It is of course still technically a full moon, since the official full moon was Friday.  I am feeling her in all her power and glory.  I can't remember the last time I felt that channeled universal energy just flowing through my crown chakra and filling me with bliss -- it totally happened on the way home from work tonight.  I felt expansive, euphoric, light, and limitless.  I felt connected to the source and filled with peace.  It was a beautiful, blissful, much-needed moment.

I've been holding in a lot of stress and anxiety.  My job has me worried, not seeing my children makes me sad, trying to plan for the future causes me anxiety.  I worry about my car, my relationships, my family, being late to work, not being capable of mastering the skills I need to be successful, dropping the ball in regards to getting custody, making one wrong step in a relationship and somehow sabotaging myself.  Giving in to a moment of temptation which will have far-reaching consequences.  I feel like I have to stay vigilant, be on my toes constantly.  It's exhausting.  During that blissful moment on the way home, I just completely surrendered.  My full moon intention is to grow my confidence, success, inner peace, and relationships with loved ones (including and especially my children).  I let go of my worries,expectations, obsessions, fixations, hang-ups, and stress.  I just surrendered to the universe.  I will align myself with my greater good and follow the flow of the Tao.  It's all I can do -- what you resist persists.  I must trust that everything is taking place exactly when and how it should.

I'm still having a hard time figuring out what to watch on TV.  I set a yoga program up to record, but almost everything else just seems like a sophisticated waste of time.  I almost feel like working for a cable company is like sleeping with the enemy.  These electronics -- "weapons of mass distraction" -- are part of some greater scheme to keep us all complacent while corruption in chaos continues unnoticed by the oblivious morons sitting in front of the idiot box.  At the end of the day, what impact do the sexual escapades of the cast of Jersey Shore have on the functioning of the world as a whole?  How are we contributing to society and creating a better world when we are busy staring with rapt attention at a glowing box, eager to find out just WHO is the baby daddy on Maury?  REALLY???  Even I can see that this seemingly innocent and harmless diversion is a really SERIOUS tactic to keep us from addressing the real issues at hand!  Divide and conquer.  Divide and conquer.

Has anyone noticed how people, with the aid of technology, become more and more socially isolated and introverted?  Where has our sense of community gone?  It will be so much easier to defeat us one by one than if we remain united and supportive.  It is SO SO important to stop classifying ourselves into smaller and smaller classes and sub-groups, pitted against one another.  For WHAT?  Is it REALLY that big of a deal that you cheer for the guys in the green and someone else likes the guys in the yellow?  Is it worth turning against each other for?  Race, politics, religion, sports, all of it -- we have more commonalities than differences.  United we stand, divided we fall!!!

Okay, I went off on a little bit of a tangent.  I picture a crazy old lady holding a sign standing on a street corner yelling these things at passers by as they rush to get past her, whispering among themselves.  On a side note, my heart is beating really funny.

I have had that problem for as long as I can remember, and after paying attention to it, it seems to happen when I am manic.  My theory about mania is that it is not just merely a "state of mind".  I believe that when manic, the body is somehow releasing or producing an abundance of some kind of stimulant-like chemical which the body reacts to the same way it would react to speed or cocaine.  I sleep less, talk faster, think about sex more, and my heart beats faster.  These are not just emotional symptoms, but physical as well.  This tells me that being bipolar can't "just be in my head", or my body would not be responding the way it does.  In any case, I welcome mania because it brings with it enthusiasm, motivation, energy, and focus.  I am not on medication right now.  If I begin spiraling into an uncontrollable depression, I may want something for that -- but I do NOT WANT something that will slow me down.  Why would I want that?  This energy is a gift!

But.  I should watch some TV and go to bed.  This wine is going to my head.  :)

Smokin' cigarettes and watchin' Captain Kangaroo, now don't tell me, I've nothin' to do...

I have completely wasted this weekend doing NOTHING.  I guess it wasn't a waste,  I got to just sit at home and relax.  It just went by so quickly, though, and I didn't really accomplish anything.  I was supposed to spend the weekend with Holly.  Before I agreed to that, I had made plans to spend Saturday and Sunday night with Shyloh.  Before THAT, it was assumed that I'd be going up to the club with Jason and Lisa on Saturday night.  I did NONE of those things.

Friday was a full moon and an eclipse -- eek.  Mercury goes retrograde tomorrow on top of that, so you can only imagine how this is all affecting me.  I got my period Friday, which I have to admit is pretty awesome.  I love being synched up with the moon -- that means I'll know I'm bleeding when it's full and fertile when it's new.  Not that being fertile matters to me at all right now since I'm not sleeping with men and I don't have any desire to do that again.

Just because I have a girlfriend, though, doesn't mean she's THE girl.  I've just been ignoring her, which I know is completely inconsiderate.  I need to formally break up with her.  It's not fair of me to just cut off contact with no explanation.  The thing is, I don't want to date a married woman!  Even if her husband DOES know, it's an awkward situation.  What happens if he gets jealous 2 years down the road and tells her she needs to get rid of me?  Of course she would choose the husband, with whom she has children.  And then, BAM, I've invested 2 years of my life into another dead end road.  I realize that all relationships come with certain risks, but this is just not what I want.

I started making a list of things I don't want in a relationship, but then I remembered reading that whatever we focus on is what we get more of.  It's better, then, for me to make a list of things I want.  Then I decided I would come here and put it in my blog, for easy reference down the road.

She will be:
Down to earth
Naturally beautiful
Low maintenance
Spiritual
Compassionate
Talkative
Insightful
Open-minded
Intelligent
Genuine
Tolerant
Kind-hearted
Environmentally conscious
Warm hearted
Driven
Decisive
Flexible
Self sufficient
Unique
Loyal
Honest
Assertive
Outgoing
Considerate
Single
Confident
Soulful
Deep
Charismatic
Liberal
Dedicated
Affectionate

SHIT.  As I was typing this, I got the news that my grandma (my dad's mom) now has pneumonia in both lungs.  She was hospitalized last week after a heart attack, then got pneumonia in one lung, now it's in both.  She's 82.  I have a feeling that...I can't even say it.  I'm going to think only positive thoughts and send her healing energy right now.

All the things she said, all the things she said, running through my head, running through my head...

Hello, beautiful souls!  Today is a wonderful day.  The sun is shining, I slept in until almost one o'clock in the afternoon, and I only got one question wrong on my assessment at work last night.  I'm feeling good.

On Friday, I went with Tristan's class to Frederick Meijer Gardens for their field trip.  Tristan was so happy to see me and I was so grateful for a chance to spend the day with him and his class.  It was my first time there also, so it was a lot of fun to walk through the sculpture park and the gardens.  I posted pictures of him on Facebook and nobody "liked" them.  I feel like the current lesson I am learning is living my life and walk my path for the right reasons, not in search of approval from others.  To have the strength to continue toward my goals even when I feel lacking support from those in my environment.  The thing that bothers me is that Tristan lives with Blair and Rachel, as I have mentioned before.  When Rachel, his aunt, posts a picture of Tristan, my son, it gets like 37 likes.  Most of those likes are from people in my family, people who are also MY friends on Facebook.  Yet when I, his mother, post a picture of my own son...none of those people click like.  It's almost like everyone wants to be in denial of the fact that I am his mother, and they hope that by not acknowledging that fact, it will cease to be true and someday magically if they all pretend hard enough, Rachel will be his mother and I will never have been.

It's hurtful.  I brought it up in counseling and Suzanne was very reassuring by telling me that Tristan does know who his mother is, he is never going to forget, and as long as I am involved in his life and trying he is not going to look back at this phase in his life as a time that I abandoned him.  I know Rachel wishes that as time passes, his bond with me will dissolve and he'll build a mother-child bond with her, but it will never happen.  Why does that upset me, then?  It should be enough to know that regardless of what everyone else seems to want, I am and always will be his mother and he knows and never will forget that is true.  I think most of my hurt in this situation is not from a fear that my son will forget me.  It is from a sense of betrayal by the people who claimed to love me in that they WANT him to forget me.  It breaks my heart that people in my family are so blind to how all of this is making me feel.  It's almost like they think because of all the mistakes I have made that I have no heart and am not actually a real person anymore.  

Since this is my blog and I can say whatever the hell I want, I'm just going to go ahead and say it.  I play dumb, but I can see what's going on here.  It's not hard to recognize.  Why am I drawn to relationships with controlling men?  Look how my family has always tried, and continues to try, to control my life.  My own mother has even told me I'm not capable of making decisions.  If you hear that long enough, inevitably you'll start to believe it and soon enough you'll be living in a way that supports that belief.  I used to hate my mother for this, but I'm trying to live in a compassionate way.  I try to believe that we are all doing the best we know how to do, and that includes my mother.

I think about my car accident, and how it must have felt for her to get the call that her child was in the hospital and later to receive the news that I would likely die.  Putting myself in her shoes, I can't imagine the agony of thinking I would lose one of my children.  How, then, would I act if that happened and miraculously the child survived?  Can't I understand how she may have been driven to interfere in every decision, to keep me in a bubble and protect me from all hurt?  Can I not relate to that fear?  I can.  Even before that, when my parents made what I view now as mistakes -- they weren't aware that they were mistakes.  Their motivation was love.  Their intention was to protect me.  They were doing the best they could.

So I release all the anger and resentment I have against my controlling manipulative family.  I understand that in their own twisted way, they believe they are making good decisions.  I know that they love me yet I am frustrated to also recognize that they are completely blind.  They don't understand me and it's because my path is so radically different from theirs and unfamiliar to them that all they can do is make guesses about my thoughts, feelings, and motivations.  Sadly their guesses are wildly inaccurate, but I have no way to help them understand me.  We all do it, we all judge people, and we all think we know what we are talking about -- until we later find ourselves in the shoes of those we judged.  Only then do we realize how wrong we were.

In that way, I am thankful to have been in so many challenging positions.  I have gone through many trials and tribulations, but it has allowed me to understand the perspective of many that I previously judged.  I am so much more compassionate and wise than I used to be, and life has been my greatest teacher.  

What I was going to write about was loneliness, but as usual I went on a huge tangent.  I was reading an article on Elephant Journal about how loneliness relates to Buddhism, and it was kind of an "aha" moment for me.  I believe that I have more of a monk-like destiny this lifetime, and the article I read explains perfectly the feelings I have as they relate to my Buddha-like quest for enlightenment.  What I said in my last entry was true in more ways than I realized at the time.  For me, relationships always HAVE been just an escape or distraction from the loneliness I feel.  We always think that loneliness is a problem and partnership is the solution.  This explains my previous constant preoccupation with drugs, infatuation, alcohol, serial dating, even internet addiction -- anything to keep me busy enough to forget the emptiness inside.  But the emptiness must be embraced.  

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2009/02/chogyam-trungpa-rinpoche-pema-chodron-the-buddhist-view-of-loneliness-as-a-good-thing/

"...I was amazed that in the Buddhist view the feeling of loneliness is identified as the feeling of Buddha Nature. In other words, loneliness is not a lacking of something, but rather the aching fulfillment of our open, raw, caring nature."

"Trungpa Rinpoche:...I don’t think anybody can fall in love unless they feel lonely. People can’t fall in love unless they know they are lonely and are separate individuals...So I think in love it is the desolateness that inspires the warmth. The more you feel a sense of desolation, the more warmth you feel at the same time. You can’t feel the warmth of the house unless it’s cold outside. The colder it is outside, the cozier it is at home."

"As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don’t deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity. To the degree that we’ve been avoiding uncertainty, we’re naturally going to have withdrawal symptoms—withdrawal from always thinking that there’s a problem and that someone, somewhere, needs to fix it."

"The middle way is wide open, but it’s tough going, because it goes against the grain of an ancient neurotic pattern that we all share. When we feel lonely, when we feel hopeless, what we want to do is move to the right or the left. We don’t want to sit and feel what we feel. We don’t want to go through the detox. Yet the middle way encourages us to do just that. It encourages us to awaken the bravery that exists in everyone without exception, including you and me."

This entry is ridiculously long.  I wanted to talk about my girlfriend, which is actually a woman who is married and lives pretty far away so it is easy for me to keep her at arm's length while I live a single life yet experience companionship and intimacy at fairly regular intervals.  I am beginning already to have second thoughts about her and I feel like, while I like her, becoming emotionally invested in this relationship is just a straight shot to heartache.  Her husband knows and is fine with her having a girlfriend, but what about me?  I have to wonder what subconsciously draws me to people who are emotionally unavailable.  Her mother gave up on her as a child and she was taken from her home at a young age, shuffled around from foster home to foster home, and finally adopted at age eight by an adoptive mother who didn't care about her either.  So I haven't escaped my propensity for hooking up with people who have "mommy issues".  Is it my nurturing sense that wants to just love them and take care of them and heal all the pain by giving them all the love their mother never did?  I already know from N that it isn't possible.  Nothing I can do can fix these people.  I can't help them.  So why do I attract them?

All I need in this life of sin, is me and my girlfriend....

A lot has happened since I last posted!  Hopefully I will now be able to post on a fairly consistent basis, as I have internet and a computer at home.  Yes, HOME -- MY home!  Let me tell you all about it.  It's exciting!

First of all, Raul and I didn't work out.  I am through with protecting the privacy of the (not so) innocent, first names seem okay to use rather than mysterious letters.  I was correct in my idea that it was just infatuation.  The thing that happens with me, though, is that I get SO infatuated.  I get swept out to sea.  In fact, I wrote a haiku about it:

Fighting the current

Is so much more exhausting

Sweep me out to sea

Sure, it's probably not that good.  I don't write haikus very often but in this case, it perfectly captured how I feel.  Annnnnnywayyyyyyy, he lives at least 3 hours away, doesn't have a license, doesn't have a car, and is an alcoholic.  I loved him anyway, in the only way that I can "love" someone I just met and barely know except on a superficial and idealistic level.  I love me, though, and I knew in my heart it wasn't the right path for me to take.  I would have ended up being an enabler, and besides I couldn't have stood by and watched him kill himself had I become any more emotionally invested.  I wish him the best and hope life brings him joy, but we were only meant to share a short part of our journey with each other.

Anyway, once I got over the familiar pang of loneliness, I actually began to love being single!  He took up so much of my time, time I could have been spent doing yoga, meditating, reading.  I sometimes wonder if I'm cut of the same cloth as the likes of Emily Dickinson, Emerson, Thoreau.  I could see myself being a recluse like Emily.  Living alone for two years on an isolated pond with nothing to do but meditate and write.  It's not that I don't love people, but I don't know how to assimilate them into my life without sacrificing parts of myself.  I feel like in order to be authentic and whole, I have to be alone.  It's a pretty strange statement coming from the girl who used to feel as if she didn't exist unless someone could see her.  I used to feel like I wasn't real if I was alone because there was nobody there to validate my existence.  Kind of like the tree falling in the forest if there's no one there to hear.

So anyway, I got my money saved and called the apartments I had spoken to earlier in the summer out in Wayland.  I moved out here around the end of July and kept saving my money to get things for the kids, clothes, soap, toothbrushes, etc.  I got to spend more time with them, Tuesdays and Thursdays after work in addition to every other weekend.  Then at the end of September, we were informed by the temp agency that our assignment at Farmers was ending.  I had applied for permanent positions and interviewed for two on the phone, but was denied repeatedly.  I applied for Charter, passed the assessments, went to my interview, and got the job.

This is my second week at Charter, I'm still in training for another 5 weeks.  I will be a retention representative, which means that my job is to prevent people from cancelling.  The benefits are great, so I am excited that I will finally be able to get my teeth fixed and get new contacts.  I have been wearing one contact for the past year, alternating eyes.  They are only good for 30 days, so that should tell you something about how easy it is for me to see.  In the meantime though, I did order some glasses which are covered by Medicaid.  They are going to be super thick but I need to be able to see.  

Sienna is doing great, she is so beautiful.  I talked to her parents about setting up annual visits, and to my relief they were receptive to the idea.  I'm a little nervous about how I'm going to handle it, but I think I'll be okay.  The most important thing is that she's happy, safe, and healthy.  She does still look more like her biological father -- in fact, her head measured in the 99th percentile (which is HUGE) and that's definitely from him.  Although I just say it's because she's got such a big brain because she's so smart.  In his case, his was full of rocks.  ;)

Since I work for Charter, I get free cable, internet, and phone.  It's SO awesome.  The guy just came and hooked it up earlier today.  My shift is 5pm to 2am, which pretty much blows but I'm working as hard as I can to make sure I can get a good shift when training ends.  For now, though, there are advantages to the later shift.  I like having all day to do things, although I do tend to sleep in until around noon.  I am going on a field trip with Tristan's class tomorrow though so I will have to be up early.

Oh!  I almost forgot to refer back to the title.  That's going to take another whole entry, so I guess we'll postpone that for tomorrow.