In the land of gods and monsters, I was an angel...

I have to type all these things I want to say to Joth, but can’t.  And since I’m in super honest mode (mania is like a drug – truth serum qualities and all), I’m also going to admit that part of the reason I’m putting it here is that I know he might read it but at the same time, I can claim plausible deniability if he does.  See, I don’t want to hurt his feelings, honestly.  I tried to discuss this with him before and it didn’t go well.  You know how people always say, “I’d rather you talk to me if you’re thinking about cheating than to do it, at least then we can work out whatever the issue is”?  They are lying.  I really, truly, honestly don’t know what to do.  I have been here before, and I have cheated, and I know I don’t want to do that.  I don’t know what talking to him about it would do, anyway, besides make him paranoid or distrustful, or to feel like he is somehow inadequate or that I don’t love him and those things aren’t true.  Not at all. 

I have a theory.  First of all, I’m here, however I got here, and yes I like it.  I’m not going to take steps to make it stop because I don’t want to.  But the incredible amount of ENERGY here is difficult, it’s a lot, and I think really aggressive and frequent sex is a way to release all of this unbearable excess energy.  And if I’m going to be honest, that was all it was when it came to cheating on Brian.  I blamed it on the fact that he kept watching porn behind my back (hey, I know, it was a long time ago and I wasn’t the person I am now).  Anyway, I will psychoanalyze myself and postulate further.  See, it was the fact that I was repressing my urges to be with him.  He wasn’t skilled, or aggressive, or even able to maintain an erection.  I was sexually unsatisfied, but I did love him (not in a marriage kind of way, but I cared) so I decided I would make that sacrifice for him.  I would repress my urges.  I would say no to temptation.  So THAT, see, is what infuriated me the most about the porn – I controlled my urges for him.  But he wouldn’t do it for me.  So I took that as a green light.  I was respecting your feelings, but you don’t care enough to (deny yourself to) respect mine.  If I hadn’t felt like I was depriving myself, I never would have expected it from him, or cared that he didn’t. 

Anyway, when I was married to Brian, I began a manic episode.  I wanted the type of sex I wasn’t getting, and I felt that his lack of respect for the lines I expected him not to cross entitled me to cross the lines he expected me not to.  So I did it.  I did it with Juliea, and I did it with Shawn and Juliea, and I did it with a random guy I met on the internet and a random girl HE met on the internet.  And I did it with my friend’s friend, and Shyloh, and Debbie, two of my exes, two different guys I met at 2 different parties, my friend’s boyfriend’s brother.  Holy shit,  I never wrote that all down until now.  Woah.  I wasn’t even sorry.  I am, a little, now, because he deserved a conversation.  Joth deserves a conversation, but yet I know he won’t be receptive to one.

And do you know what?  I can’t get a hold of him right now, I don’t know where he is, he isn’t answering his phone.  I find myself hoping he IS having sex with someone else, just so I have a reason to.  And it isn’t that he isn’t good at it, or that we don’t have chemistry.  But let’s just be blunt, I need to be dominated right now.  And hey, I’ll even venture a guess that he needs the same.  He wants what I want, and neither of us can give it to each other.  I have no interest in dominating, I won’t do it, not even to get what I want.  How could I dominate someone and then look at that person as someone who could dominate ME?  And sure, he could, but I wouldn’t buy it.  How could I take you seriously as aggressive and in charge and possibly a little dangerous if you just laid down for me and surrendered, weak?  I don’t have respect for people who defer to me.  I think there’s a whole psychological vein we could explore right now, and I’ll admit I’m far from healthy, but these are my true desires.

I love Joth.  I love him so much, and truly.  His happiness is my priority and I think he is amazing.  But I think, for both our sakes, that we really need a polyamorous relationship.  He deserves to have the type of sex he wants that I can not give him, and I would really like to have an approved, consenting arena where I can experience this without risking my relationship or causing pain to him.  He’s gentle, and sometimes I need to be borderline abused.  It has been almost two years and he has never done that, never will do that.  I am talking about the type of fiery passion, the unbridled lust, the unscripted unplanned whirlwind intensity grab you by your hair and throw you and mercilessly make you scream kind of thing.  No, I don’t want to talk about it.  I don’t want to schedule it, map it, draw a diagram, pencil it on the calendar, I want to be taken by surprise permission NOT asked warning NOT given.  As time ticks by, my frustration builds that as happy as my relationship is, I can never be fulfilled in this way.  It is probably the same for him.  He probably feels just as unfulfilled as I do, and I will never step into that role.  So why remain sexually dissatisfied?  We are in love, our relationship is strong, and we have trust.  I think we would BOTH benefit from loosening up the monogamy in this relationship.

Haunted

I sit here at my desk, sobbing into my hands.  They say you aren’t punished FOR your sins, but BY them.  The only ghost that haunts me now is a little 5 year old with a sheet over his head, trying to engage his vacant-eyed mommy.  OOOOOOO, look, Mom!  I’m a ghost!  And she shoves him away, hard.  And he cries.  But I’m the one crying now, uncontrollably with grief, over the pain I caused that can never be taken back.  When I remember moments like these, I try to hug him extra hard, to give him extra compliments, to tell him I’m so sorry for the way things were before.  But it happened, it’s there, and it never goes away.  Will it ever go away for him?  Is it forever imprinted on his subconscious, affecting his ability to love himself or carry on meaningful relationships?  Will he grow to abuse or be abused?  Will he hate himself, the way I told him I hated him, standing over him screaming that I couldn’t wait for him to go live with my brother because I didn’t want him anymore?  What will it take to erase the ache of feeling unwanted?  What can I ever do that could end the pain, not just for him but for me?  When will I ever be able to forgive myself?

 

These are the hidden secrets of my past, my skeletons in the closet.  I know I was a monster.  I knew it then.  It’s easy to say that I was a prisoner of mental illness, but which part of mental illness exactly set this into motion?  I remember being filled with rage, hijacked by desperation and swallowed in the crushing tide of anger.  I felt it rip through my body, sinking its vicious claws into my brain.  Everything was falling apart.  I was losing everything.  I was so surprised to find myself standing there, hitting my child, screaming at him.  I wondered, “How did this happen to me?”  I was confused, because I love my children, always have. So it didn’t make sense that I would do that.  I even wondered that inside, while the horrible things were happening – but I love my children, this can’t be right.  How can this be happening?  I thought only parents who didn’t love their children would hurt them.  How could I have been susceptible to possession by this demon? 



I knew I needed help, but you can’t ask for help.  Not for problems like these.  Who could I confide in, who could help me?  If you tell anyone things like this, they take your children.  I felt like I had a chance to fix it, that I could overcome it.  I would fight with every breath to come out on top, but the struggle in the meantime was hurting us both.  I wished I had somewhere I could turn, but these shameful confessions are not well received by anyone.  I wonder how many people, engaging in these behaviors, wish they could ask for help?  I wonder how many people choose to remain silent, guarding their secrets because the consequences of admitting such things are just too great?  The same fierce love that made me regret it so, that drove me to WANT to ask for help, that love forbade any kind of action which would surely separate me from my child indefinitely or forever. 



I was ashamed, terrified, and helpless.  I would promise myself, once the rage had subsided, that I wouldn’t allow it to happen again.  But considering that it always appeared unbidden from whatever depths of hell it originated from, I was at a loss for what measures I could take to defeat it.  This weighs heavy, so heavy on my heart.  I don’t know what drives me to this confession, what idea of penance and payment make me believe I can bargain for my worth.  Does it matter if everyone knows I was sorry?  Will it change anything if the whole world hears me repent?

 

It’s behind me, but I still live in fear.  What summoned it then?  Could it come back again?  Could I ever be that person, and would I know it if I was?  Could I fight it?  So I break it apart.  I could say it was because I was enduring a personal crisis and the pressure made me crack, the bipolar part exploded into some kind of beastly rage which I had up to that point managed to keep subdued.  I could say that it was because my husband had just left, I was unemployed, and a very busy 5 year old depended on me.  Was it because I was overwhelmed, trying to figure out how to make the house payment and feed the cat and pay the bills, get money to put gas in the car to go to the library to look for jobs, all while putting out fires created by my disruptive son who was tearing through the library like the Tazmanian devil?  Sure, but how did I end up THERE?  Was it because during a manic phase, believing that I was aware and in my right mind, I heeded the siren’s call of hypersexuality and went on a promiscuous rampage which destroyed my marriage?  Maybe, but was the manic episode triggered by the drug abuse, trying to numb the feelings and silence the self-judgement?  Okay, but was the drug abuse in response to the guilt of being a call girl, which is really just a hooker with a photographer wearing expensive dresses and lingerie with champagne in a 4 star hotel suite, but the end result is the same, I had sex for money.  But what drove me to do THAT?  Well, it was the only option available to me when I was facing an eviction notice, water shutoff notice, AND electric shutoff notice in January in Michigan.  And I had a 4 year old depending on me, I had no car, and needed money.  Why did THAT happen?  Because I got extremely depressed and quit my job, lying on the couch for weeks, barely able to function.  So I guess, in a way, all of it relates to some aspect of mental illness.  But in another way, it doesn’t.

 

I have a counseling appointment next Wednesday.  I don’t know if anyone can help me exorcise these demons, or if anyone can show me the way out of the forest of guilt.  But I’m going to grasp at every lifeline like it could be the one that saves me.

 

Actual Update

It’s been a while since I wrote, hasn’t it?  A big reason was that I went to part time, so I was at home on Fridays.  I usually blog on Fridays because it’s really slow around here.  It would take forever to talk about everything that has been happening, so I’ll kind of break it up into bullet points.

Job – the center is going okay, but we have had some things to learn.  We can not coordinate all of the other practitioners’ schedules.  There are different people doing different things in different rooms on different days, and trying to keep all of that straight was insane.  So we’re going to look at doing a shared calendar that everyone can access and update.  We also changed our rent structure, because we originally started out charging just 15%.  However, 15% of 0 is 0, and we still had to pay the full $1250 regardless.  We instituted a $50 minimum.  We lost the reflexologist because she thought we’d be getting her clients and scheduling her appointments, and she didn’t have internet access.  We lost the T’ai Chi Chih teacher because she scheduled a Thursday night class which conflicted with the yoga teacher’s class, and I didn’t realize it when I ok’d it.  The insurance agency upstairs installed a new bathroom, and on July 8 (on the way to Peace Fest) we got a call that a pipe had burst or something and flooded our yoga room.  We haven’t been able to use it since then, but I think the repairs are completed.  So, we’re behind on rent but we’re going to see if insurance covers loss of income or whatever you would call that.  I went back to full time at Kellogg.  Right now isn’t the right time – the kids are home for summer and the business doesn’t have enough going on that I could make up for what I’m losing here.  We need the money right now, every penny, because we’re also trying to plan a wedding.

Yeah, wedding.  Yeah, we’re still getting married.  I know, based on the last post you’d assume it was over.  When it’s bad it’s horrendous, but it’s good far more often than it’s bad.  And when it’s good, it’s amazing.  He really hurt me this last time, and I guess the part that hurts the most about it is that he doesn’t seem to recognize how much he hurt me, or how not okay that was.  He seems to minimize it and shrug it off, like we did equal damage to each other.  He blows up what I did like it’s unforgivable and talks about how it will take him time to trust and forgive me.  This time, according to him, I “crossed the line” because I told him “YOU WILL NOT INTERRUPT ME WHEN I AM TALKING TO MY SON”.  So, because it was a command, right?  And I yelled at him?  Okay, check this out, then.  Once we went to Burger King and he ordered food for everyone but me without asking if I wanted anything.  He saw a look on my face, which I knew better than to explain.  But, against my better judgement, I used my words and explained my feelings like every therapist and communication book teaches you to do.  This is what happened, this is how I feel.  I didn’t use blaming or shaming language, I used a soft compassionate tone.  He came unglued and yelled at me ALL THE WAY HOME.  Non stop.  When we finally got home, I eventually lost control and called him names.  Immediately after they escaped my mouth, I recognized that I had done wrong and I told him right then and there that I was sorry and that was not okay.  It is my fault that I said those things, not his.  But still, you know, at the end of that argument I was again the villain because I called him names.  “I’d never do that to you” he said.  That’s how I “crossed the line”.  Name calling, okay?  So what does it mean that after he stormed out of the house on Thursday, he called me a horrible person, a sociopath, a narcissist, a chauvinist, a bigot, and a destroyer.  Oh, and an abuser.  He retaliated by calling me names, but I’m the bad guy.  But when I was the one who called names, I was still the bad guy.  It’s this stupid game of Calvin Ball where the rules keep changing so he always wins. 

I DID attempt to calmly talk to him about not interrupting me when I talk to Tristan.  HE responded by saying he can do whatever he wants and I can’t tell him what to do.  Really?  Okay, you know what, talking about this is getting me all pissed off again.  Everyone makes mistakes, and I can forgive that.  And I can definitely admit that when he interrupted me, I could have made a better decision than to snap at him.  I didn’t yell at him, I didn’t swear at him, I didn’t call him any names.  I just said “Hold ON” in an agitated voice.  But I will not have this incident reframed as something it wasn’t.  I will not apologize for, or take responsibility for, the brutal attack I endured for HOURS in retaliation for having the audacity to tell him what to do.  And let’s be clear, I tried to avoid conflict and discuss it like adults.  After I snapped at him, that is, but that wasn’t a grievous error.  Instead of having compassion, understanding, or cooperation; instead of trying to compromise or find a way to meet Tristan’s emotional needs or accommodate his (very reasonable) request, HE dug his toes in and blustered on about how nobody tells Joth what to do.  Relationships are compromise.  We should communicate our needs to each other.  We should be able to bend once in a while.  We should be able to accommodate reasonable requests, and it should work both ways.  No one is going to get their way all the time.  Both sides have to give.  People need to feel heard.  They need to feel as if their feelings are important, and they matter.  If Tristan voices a concern which falls on deaf ears, what does that communicate to him about our regard for his feelings?

Anyway, I’ll be honest, I have a lot of festering emotions about this.  Talking wouldn’t do any good, and what could be said that would fix them?  I’m not leaving, I already know that.  Things are really good right now, and I feel loved and appreciated and admired.  I feel like he cares, I feel like we have hope, I feel connected.  I can figure out how to sustain this.  I keep trying, and I might never succeed.  And I will admit, there have been times that I lashed out in the past to the degree that he did on Thursday.  I just never understood how devastatingly crushing it could feel.  I mean, I did.  I have felt it before, many times.  The entire world crumbling beneath your feet.  Bereft of light, devoid of warmth.  You know, usually I figure things out while I blog about them, but examining something I’d rather ignore isn’t really working out for me right now.  He’s a great guy, funny and smart and insightful.  I enjoy so much of my time with him and appreciate all that he contributes.  I know he doesn’t mean the things he said, and I know that on some level at least some part of him understands that his response was unwarranted.  Even if I never get a sincere apology, or acknowledgement of the level of hurt he caused and accountability for causing that hurt. 

All I know is that I can’t wait for open enrollment in September, because I need insurance so I can get counseling.  I really need an unbiased third party perspective on how to handle this.  He’s going to tell me he’s always right and I’m always wrong and everything he does is justified and my fault and everything I do is inexcusable and unforgivable, and I know THAT’S not accurate.  I can’t trust my OWN judgement because that’s bound to be skewed, too.  I just really need to talk to someone who can help me navigate these waters.  We have such a good thing, but it could very easily become such a bad thing, the very worst thing, and I don’t want that for either of us.  I’ll keep fighting as long as there’s something here to fight for.  I know he’s hurt and damaged, just like I am, so relationships are going to be work.  But it’s work I’m happy to do as long as he’s in it with me.

Okay, so, kids are good, relationship has been covered, work has been covered.  We went to Peace Fest and had a wonderful time.  I only wish I could describe how magical it was.  It was my best Peace Fest EVER!  Joth and I didn’t even fight, except a minor argument Sunday morning.  But honestly, after the weekend we had had, with as little sleep and as much adventure, Sunday morning was just a little bit hard to adult at the time. 

My grandpa had a heart attack on Wednesday and it wasn’t looking good, so we went up with the kids.  He’s still there, but it’s looking pretty good.  They had chilled him to minimize brain damage and sedated him.  They put a thing in his artery and then they warmed him up and eased off the sedation to try to wake him.  He did respond, squeezing hands and wiggling toes, but every time they try to remove the vent he gets very agitated and his blood pressure goes up so they have to sedate him again.  They might have to do a trach, but right now they’re getting ready to try to remove the vent again with a blood pressure medicine.  We went up last night and I gave him some reiki, and I’m keeping him in my thoughts.  It’s really scary to imagine losing someone you’ve known your whole life – I mean, I know someday it will happen.  But it’s never happened before and I don’t know how it will feel.  I’m just not ready to find out yet, though.  So he’s got to keep fighting.  J

Current events.  Yes, we play Pokemon Go and LOVE IT.  I’m not even into Pokemon, but I love how it has created community.  Everyone is outside, being friends, getting along.  We have met people playing music outside and just being awesome.  We have jogged as a family, enjoyed some scenic walks.  It’s really having a positive effect on the community and I love it for that.  Annnnnnnnd I may be a feminist but I will never vote for Hillary Clinton.  Bernie is in line with my values and I will vote with my heart, for what I want, not for the “lesser evil”, no.  I will not compromise my principles, no.  If Bernie isn’t on the ballot, Jill Stein then.  And I don’t care who thinks that’s throwing away my vote. 

Oooooh last thing.  New celebrity crush.  SOOOOO we watched the new Ghostbusters (and it was AMAZING!) and there was this chick, OMG I hardly ever get celebrity crushes but she’s awesome.  The coolest part is, though, that when I googled her just now, I discovered that she is actually a lesbian.  So randomly some chick I think is hot, actually likes girls…haha that’s cool.  Yeah because you know, that totally means I have a chance.  JUST KIDDING!  My gaydar must be pretty good, though.  I mean, I’m not gay, that’s not what I mean.  But having the sense, you know? 

Oooooh THIS will be the last thing.  Just remembered.  I’m getting a car!  This will do a few things.  One, I won’t have to depend on Joth for rides, freeing up his schedule a little more.  Two, it will build my credit so we can get a house next year.  And three, it’s fucking SWEET.  It has Bluetooth, a touch screen navigation system, heated seats, only like 15,000 miles or something like that….dude it’s SWEET.  But, the insurance under my name would be like 300 per month and, yeah, NO.  If we can’t do it cheaper under Joth’s name, I may need to go with a less awesome car.  But that’s okay, though,  It will be nice to have my own wheels again!  Then, if I leave for the night or the weekend, neither of us have to be stranded without a vehicle.

Okay, okay, there’s a lot more I could say but I should probably get some work done.  I’ll try not to wait so long next time!

Apocalypse

You’ve been spoiling for an argument for days.  I could feel it coming, I can always feel it brewing and building up.  I’m always so proud of myself for making it through those first few days, I feel as if I’ve outsmarted you.  I feel like a champion, overcoming the hurdles thrown my way.  I feel unfuckwithable.  I pride myself on how rock-solid and resilient I am, how I can not be baited.  But, you just don’t stop until you get a reaction, however long that takes.  That’s all it takes for you to make everything my fault and to completely absolve yourself of any personal responsibility for creating the conflict.  If you can get a reaction, I become the bad guy.  I know this, and I refuse to give you a reaction time and time and time again.  That puts your behavior squarely on your shoulders, you can’t pass it to me like a hot potato.  You just have to hold it…and burn.  The first night, you stumbled to bed drunk bringing up my past.  Rambling on about how you just don’t understand why I was a sex worker, and I’m asleep and I have to work the next day.  You don’t have to understand.  I don’t care if you approve.  It was before I ever met you, and I owe you no explanation.  We have discussed it at length anyway, I’m not sure what more you want or expect to hear from me.  But it’s not the time, so I go to sleep.  At some point, while asleep, out of old habit I put my hand on you.  You remove it and flip your back to me.  I do the same and fall back asleep.  The next night, I wake up to you doing that angry muttering between your teeth thing.  The thing you usually do right before you break something, snapping a pen in half or something like that.  I pretend I don’t hear you and I pretend to keep sleeping.  At some point in the night, I accidentally touch you again, and you throw my hand off of you.  I move to the edge of the bed and go back to sleep.  The next three nights, I don’t even try to touch you at all.  Why would I bother anymore?  You create your barriers, I’m tired of trying to cross them.  And why should I anyway, if I am so clearly unwanted?  Sleep by yourself then.  I won’t touch you.  I feel us drifting further and further apart, but I realize I just don’t care as much as I used to.  What is there left anymore to care about?  We find out my grandpa had a heart attack and might not make it.  I am quieter than usual.  I am thinking a lot.  I don’t feel like talking.  You are talking to me in the car, things that don’t require responses.  Telling me things I have heard, and I nod, but I have nothing to say.  Instead of having compassion, you make it about you (as usual) and pout because I’m not interacting with you.  It’s never my feelings that matter, it’s how my feelings make you feel.  Like if I was bleeding, you’d be demanding sympathy from me because you were traumatized by having to watch me bleed.  I don’t have the energy to give a shit, so I go about my day.  It gets to be about noon and while you have expressed sympathy for family members on facebook, you have yet to reach out to me to see how I’m doing or to let me know you care.  I send a few messages over the next 3 hours, and each time you respond with one word.  I know you’re still pouting about this morning, and I’m not going to keep putting forth effort if you’re not.  You don’t want to talk, I won’t talk.  Just one more door to close.  No sex, that’s been a while now.  My choice.  I won’t initiate.  If you want to, you will, and you haven’t, so whatever.  No touching, now no talking.  I wonder why we’re even still together.  I feel like this relationship is dead.  But still I stay, because we’re a family and my son has no other father and my family loves you and the kids and the business.  But not for me.  I don’t stay for me.  And it strikes me how sad that is, when I used to feel like the happiest, luckiest girl on the planet.  I don’t think that’s ever coming back.  I don’t think it was ever really real.  I really believed it was all my fault for a while, and I bent over backwards to change, to be what you needed me to be.  To say and do the right things.  But even then, you’d still get mad, only then you’d blame it on what I had done in the past.  So, you say it’s my behaviors that make you act this way, but I change the behaviors and you still act this way, claiming it’s because of my past behaviors.  What good was it to change, then?  I start to realize I was never to blame for your behavior, and I feel stupid for falling for it.  So then, it happens.  I’m talking to my son and you keep jumping in.  I told my son rather than throwing things or breaking things, he should use his words and talk about his feelings.  I was very proud of him when he did that to you, he told you that when he has two or more adults talking to him at the same time, he gets overwhelmed and it makes him feel like breaking things.  I applaud him for using his words instead of acting out.  Instead of showing respect for his feelings, though, you continue to join in to the conversations I am having with Tristan.  I am in the middle of a sentence and you interrupt, and in frustration I snap at you, “Hold ON”.  Yes, it was an irritated voice.  Because I was irritated.  After he leaves the room, I can almost see you salivating at the prospect of a juicy fight.  You begin baiting me, and at first I successfully ignore you.  “You didn’t MEAN to yell at me, right?”  You say.  I say nothing.  “Oh, well you DID then, I see how it is.  Okay.”  I still say nothing.  But you persist, and I decide that maybe if I calmly explain why I was upset, I can defuse this situation.  I am always so wrong for thinking that.  That’s where I went wrong.  I tell you, well, we did talk about how Tristan feels overwhelmed when grownups are ganging up on him.  You immediately become defensive and start bellowing about how you can do whatever you want, like a toddler throwing a tantrum.  You can talk whenever you want.  I calmly reply that no, in this case, you can not.  When I am speaking to my son, you will not interrupt me.  You go ballistic.  YOU put your chest up to MINE, trying to intimidate me.  It doesn’t work, I’m tired of your bullying.  I puff up my chest too.  I won’t back down, because I am not wrong.  Here we are, chest to chest, in each other’s faces.  You’re yelling about how you will interrupt me if you want to, you’re interrupting me right NOW, blah blah blah…I’m yelling about how you will NOT and yes I CAN tell you what to do when it comes to how you will treat me, I AM telling you what to do, and you will NOT interrupt me.  Stupid shit.  I almost laughed.  Anyway, then I put my palms on your chest and pushed you away.  Not hard, it wasn’t an aggressive move.  Of course you snatch that up like it’s candy, NOW I have given you something you can use against me.  You leave, as usual, always running away from your problems.  You hate it when you’re wrong.  You can’t stand it when you make mistakes.  You text me that I’m a destroyer, a sociopath, and something else.  I laugh.  It’s your script.  I used to believe it, because usually by the time you started spewing that predictable venom I had actually lost my cool and yelled, or insulted you, or made a mistake I felt guilty about.  But this time, I have nothing to be sorry for.  You call me crazy.  I think about what that must make you, because out of the two of us….but I know by now that I can prove no point with you, I can use no logic on you.  You are in the place where logic is broken.  You are regurgitating your script and I stop participating.  The other times this has happened, I have been more forgiving.  But I really don’t know what to think of a person who would do this, rather than be a pillar of comfort and support, during an emotionally trying time.  It feels like you are kicking me when I’m down.  I ask myself, why am I with someone who would do that?  Is this all I think I deserve?

A Little Unsteady...

Ahhhhhhhhh I can not wait so long to update!!!  SO MUCH has happened.  So much.  I’ll break it into sections like I usually do, because Tom just ran down to get something from his car so I don’t know how long I have.

Relationship:  WE GOT ENGAGED!  Like, officially.  We chose a mutual proposal to align with our egalitarian relationship, and to honor the other by asking for the privilege of being each other’s life partner.  I think we both deserved to feel special, and to be asked, and to be proposed to.  Also, we included the kids!  They were a little less excited than we were, but I guess to them it wasn’t really a big deal.  Duh, Joth and Christine are getting married…we already KNEW that.  What’s the big deal???  It was beautiful.  We stopped at Choices, a metaphysical/crystal shop, and picked out a crystal for each of the kids.  Then, we drove to Hastings and we all walked past the coffee shop that Joth and I first met in person at.  He and I stopped for a little kiss.  The kids were impatient.  We kept walking – it was a beautiful day, by the way – 80 degree temps (and to think today is 50 and rainy…ugh) sunny and nice.  We walked to the bench that we sat on and proposed to each other with our BAD ASS GLOWING RINGS.  They are polished silver with tritium vials.  Mine is a lotus, and Joth’s is like a circle with triangle vial designs in.  Mine has blue vials, his has red.  When we get married, we’re replacing them with purple.  I don’t think I really have to explain that. 

There’s a lot of symbolism with blue and red and twin flames, which I totally dig.  They are opposites, just as Gemini and Sagittarius are opposites.  In fact, we are EXACT opposites because our birthdays are on December and June 7.  Also, red and blue is the real yin and yang duality, and he and I are most definitely yin and yang.  That isn’t just some fluffy thing to say because we love each other so much, we truly do fit together perfectly complementary like that.  It’s crazy and cool and amazing.  So anyway, after we gave each other the rings, I proposed to Austin and he proposed to my kids.  Although they accepted him as their step dad, Tristan already knows that if all goes well, he’s actually accepting Joth as his DAD dad.  Because he’s the only dad he has right now. 

Speaking of that, I’ll move to the next topic.   

Tristan:  His behavior has improved so much at school!  He still doesn’t get a lot of homework done, and it’s all I can do to bite my tongue instead of telling his teachers that homework is stupid.  I never did it, I still don’t see the point.  Not everyone works like that.  And it isn’t as if it prepares you for the real world, because most jobs you choose do NOT require homework.  So what is the purpose?  You’re at school 6 hours a day anyway.  I honestly believe that’s enough.  But anyway, the biggest factor I see that has helped Tristan is the peace between Joth and I.  Tristan is so sensitive to any discord between us, even though usually it isn’t a big deal.  I think part of his brain associates domestic conflict with trouble, though, and he doesn’t know how to separate normal squabbles from life-threatening situations.  I’m sure he has a little PTSD from the things we went through before, and I try to be more mindful of that and keep things positive around the kids.  It doesn’t always work, and we did have one huge issue, but overall we’ve been on the road to improvement.  Tristan also took his reading test and scored above grade level!  His teacher was super proud of him.   

Wellness Center:  Duuuuuuuuuude.  Okay, so we have another yoga teacher (Amanda) and she’s starting classes next week on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  We have a belly dance teacher who is teaching classes after Joth’s Monday night yoga.  Joth is doing the Monday night and the Friday morning yoga.  We have his mom, who set up her office and it looks GREAT – 2 days a week, and a reflexologist who will use her office 3 days a week.  We have a massage therapist, Carlita, and Joth does massage also.  Joth is doing hypno and I am leading a reiki 1 class in…OMG in a week, heaven help me.  I can do this!  ALSO, there is a wellness fair here at Kellogg’s and one of the girls from yoga works at Kellogg’s as well, so she emailed me info about it and I got in touch with them JUST before she was sending the posters to the printer.  She said we could have a table there and promote the Holistic Health Center, she had me send her our logo, and we’re good to go!  I’ll be in Mackinac for Tristan’s field trip, but Joth and Helena (the belly dance teacher) will man the table.  We will print up flyers and brochures, and I’m going to make little lotion bars with labels that have our website on them to give away.  Also, we can raffle a free massage or reiki session or whatever. 

Speaking of.  We had a little event last weekend where people could get a hypno session, massage, or reiki session on a donation basis.  We plan to do those regularly to give people the opportunity to experience these things without a financial commitment, or without cost being prohibitive.  Joth did a hypno session on Sunny, a girl from the Mindfulness meetup.  She is so cool!  I really like her  J  Anyway, she was thrilled and wants to do more!  He was so amazing!  He also did a massage on a girl from the reiki share, and booked a massage with a lady who stopped in to see us.  She was the original founder of the HHC, even before Becky took over (Becky is the one who recently passed away).  She is a hypnotherapist, so she and Joth have been trading tips and ideas.  She gave him some advertising advice and even some info about the history of his mom’s house!  I am beyond elated.  I love this feeling.  I definitely know that I am flowing in alignment with my highest purpose.  What is it that Esther Hicks says?  I am in the vortex.  It’s been ridiculously easy, people and practitioners and events have been just flowing to us effortlessly.  I am so delighted! 

We got our business cards, we updated the Facebook page and I created events, Joth has been working on the website, and I’m thinking next weekend we’ll do flyers.  Before I go to Mackinac, so Joth will have them for the wellness fair.  Well, if I get a cord for the computer, we could probably print some up at home – maybe not glossy brochures, but at least an updated newsletter style sheet like they have there now.   

Mood:  Well.  I’ve been generally good, but I felt a little depression coming this past Saturday.  I didn’t want to get out of bed, nothing sounded fun.  I was so blah, and not for any reason at all.  Nothing triggered it, it just came.  Joth was a valiant hero trying to cheer me up, never letting it get him down, never getting discouraged.  He played me happy music, and did a little dance (which I loved – he is so sexy when he dances!  OMG) and brought me a shot of rum, even.  He’s such a loving and thoughtful partner, and I am so blessed to have him in my life.  However, Sunday was another story.  I didn’t sleep at all Saturday night, and we had to go to the office Sunday for our appointments.  For various reasons, I knew that I was susceptible to having bad emotional reactions so I tried to keep things light and stay out of emotional danger zones.  Still, something I said or did was misinterpreted (I was staring blankly at Joth in confusion after asking him a question and not being able to comprehend the answer in my sleep-deprived stupor, and he mistook my stare for one of demanding expectation or criticism) so he freaked out in response to what he thought the look meant, and I freaked out in response to his freaking out because I had no idea what I had done wrong.  It all unraveled from there.  I gave him a few minutes, then came to where he was to see what was wrong.  He started acting afraid of me, putting his hands up and running away, which really hurt my feelings because I hadn’t done anything, nothing at all, and here he was acting terrified.  I tried and tried to understand, to figure it out, and realized I couldn’t and I just didn’t have the energy to try to fix something when I couldn’t even piece together how it had even broken.  I was defeated, discouraged.  I couldn’t do anything but sit down and sob.  Everything on the turn of a dime had gone so wrong, and there was no getting it back to good.  The man I loved was reacting to me like I was some monster coming to attack him, which was heartbreaking, and I couldn’t handle it.  Sorrow overcame me and I sat in the chair and cried.  He responded by criticizing me for bringing this energy into this space, telling me how he couldn’t deal with it, saying things like, “Really?  You’re going to do this right now?” and finally walked off, angry.   

I understand that he may need to walk away, and that’s not what I take issue with.  What really hurt when I was already so raw and vulnerable was the harshness of his reaction.  My crying wasn’t to hurt him, or to punish him, or to criticize him.  I just needed love, and I got the exact opposite.  It would have been fine if I had just let it go, but I was beyond the point of controlling my emotions by then.  I couldn’t let it go.  I tried to talk to him, to reason with him.  I tried appealing to his emotion, I tried cold emotionless logic.  Other than doggedly continuing to try to talk to him to figure out why he was acting the way he was, I was not committing any transgressions.  I kept myself in check, but he continued to resist my efforts to talk, to solve it, to reconnect, to understand what went wrong and why.  Looking back, it wasn’t the time to talk, and he wasn’t in a mental state where he could hear anything anyway.  I eventually ran out of hope and it all came crumbling down.  I surrendered to the wave of despair and let it crash over me and carry me away.  I started lashing out verbally and hurt him, in my state of agony.  It wasn’t okay.  I said things I shouldn’t have – things like I didn’t want to marry him, and I hated him, and other verbal venom.  I seemed so angry, but in reality I was just really so sad, and feeling so lost, and still craving deeply that connection with him.  Of course this was no way to bring that back.  I just couldn’t live without harmony between us though, and in my desperation for reconnection, I severed whatever threads still remained.  People are silly that way.   

Anyway, I could go into the whole thing but it would take a long time.  We talked it out and tried to find ways to make sure things don’t go that way again.  We told each other things that would help us from the other, things we can do for each other to ensure that things like this don’t flare up if someone’s feathers get ruffled.  We shared what hurt, what would have helped, and what we could have done differently.  Things are not as perfect as they were right after we got engaged, but I think using that experience as an opportunity for learning and growth empowers us and strengthens us.   

Well, Tom is back, and he’s being nosy as usual. Gotta go.

 

A Dream Come True!!!

Okay, Tom is gone and I’m here for another hour.  I’m going to post a quick update, because so much has happened!  It’s only been a week since we signed the lease, but we’ve accomplished a lot.  When I say “we”, I really have to give most of the credit to Joth.  I’ve been working the behind-the-scenes stuff – email communication with the yoga teacher, and facebook communication with the belly dance teacher.  Joth has met with them both in person though and handled the face to face stuff.  He’s been a total rock star!  He got the form filled out for the DBA, I got us an EIN.  We meet with Andy I think this weekend to talk about setting up a business bank account.  Joth went on Fiverr and had a logo created and requested a business card.  We didn’t care much for it, so he ended up designing one himself – which is super bad ass.  We also requested a website to be made and bought the domain name we will be using, so it’s ready to go. 

 

So, starting in May, we will have Monday night yoga classes that Joth is leading, followed by belly dance classes.  Tuesdays and Thursdays the other yoga teacher (Amanda) is holding classes, and Fridays there is a gentle yoga for some older ladies that Joth led today.  I am going to put together some materials for reiki classes, start offering sessions, and put together a Conscious Parenting book club in the near future.  We also want to organize an open house for sometime around June, and a Holistic Health Fair a little further down the road.  So many exciting things are happening!  This is so great!

 

Soccer starts tomorrow and Tristan is very excited.  He has been doing better with the higher dose, but still a little defiant.  I am hoping therapy will help with that, but it does take him a while to open up and he refused to talk to the counselor at the last meeting.  We met with his teachers again last night and filled out a ton of paperwork for his behavior plan.  We can’t afford for both of us to go to Mackinac, so I offered for Joth to go without me but he’d prefer to be the one to stay home so I’ll be chaperoning Tristan.  I think he’ll have fun, I’m a little nervous about his behavior but I am being optimistic.  It’s hard to misbehave when you’re having that much fun!  However, the bus ride IS long. 

 

Our rings are here!  They are waiting at the post office, I am so excited!!!  This is going to be so wonderful.  I can’t wait to do our mutual proposal, I have been thinking about the things I want to say and it just feels like such a perfect thing to do.  I love him so much!  <3 

 

Ummmm, let’s see, what else…I’ve been pretty consistent with yoga, I guess, but not as frequent as I want to be.  I’m at like 2-3 times a week, I want to be at 5-6.  I downloaded a nutrition app too, and HOLY MOLY it’s no wonder I can’t lose weight!  You would be shocked to know how many calories are in that sugar I put in my coffee every day!  I have since switched to Splenda, and will bring my stevia from home.  I have been keeping the home brewed chai stocked and drink a cup every night with some ghee and almond milk.  I feel like it’s improving my yoga practice and my mental clarity, so that’s all wonderful.  I’m starting a blog for the website, it’s going to be more an informational/wellness resource blog though.  This one is basically like my diary, which really isn’t of value to anyone but myself.  Okay well I just got an email from the massage therapist, so I’m going to tackle that and I’ll update soon!!

Level UP!

Happy day after the new moon!  I really wanted to post yesterday, but my lady time came right on the new moon (awesome, right??!) and it hit me like a sledgehammer.  I feel much better today, though!  It’s nice to be back in sync and regular.  I think it’s a testament to the overall positivity flowing through my life right now.  
 

I’ve been continuing with yoga, but I’m not up to six days a week yet.  I am still making healthy nutritional choices, and eating less.  I read something saying that if you eat some healthy fat and protein in the morning, you won’t get that killer 3pm slump.  I tried eating a banana with almond butter for two mornings, and it really worked!  In fact, I didn’t have any coffee on either of those days.  I’ve been sleeping well…okay, I’ve woken up at 3 am for probably the past week.  But I’m not tired, so that doesn’t matter.  I was also having night sweats, and I thought it was hormones, but I remembered that I had those after my reiki master attunement.  I just had the reiki master teacher attunement, and I forgot about it.  I guess I thought that because it was a distance attunement that it wouldn’t really work.  I was wrong!
 

Even when I’m happy, my mood can be very volatile – especially before my period.  I am very easily triggered.  Was.  I was very easily triggered.  I had a lot of insecurity, leading to jealousy and paranoia.  I know many of my past partners probably think I was the opposite – not jealous at all.  The fact is, I was so afraid of being abandoned, so paranoid about being rejected, that I was uber jealous.  Because any threat to my relationship was terrifying.  I was able to overcome that in the only way I knew how, and that was by not caring.  When I was with Dwight, I demanded an open relationship because that way I could keep enough comfortable distance to keep from caring too much.  I never let myself get too close, and in that way, I was able to have zero jealousy.  But I didn’t trust him.  I never trusted any man after Jay, until now.
 

I realize with amazement that two things are happening concurrently that I never thought would:  I trust a man, totally and completely.  And I am not jealous.  This is a huge step for me, and I feel like more weights have been lifted off from me.  I am shining more as my true self, less dimmed by obstructive programming and distortions of my mind.  In short, I am healing.
 

Speaking of healing, WE GOT THE HEALING CENTER!!!!!!!!!  We sign the lease today.  I am dizzy with excitement!  It’s so perfect, and it happened at just the right time!  I’m taking my yoga teacher training in August and I got the RMT attunement so I can already teach reiki.  I did, however, reach out to Karen also about doing RMT with her in person.  (Reiki Master Teacher).  We have so much to do, but I’m delighted by it all!  We already have people contacting us who want to be involved.  Another yoga teacher, a medium, someone who teaches infant massage…and I’m going to contact the local bellydance teacher to see if she would like to hold her classes there instead of at the church.  Wahoo!
 

There are intimidating details I am trying not to get bogged down by.  I got the EIN, but I don’t know what to do to take over the dba, how to register us as a partnership, etc.  And we have to set up a bank account, get a liability policy, get an accountant, get a website, get a phone number, update all the signs….one step at a time, though.  Focus on the positive!  We manifested this in exactly 8 months, which was our intention from the beginning.
 

Our rings have been shipped, and we’re going to propose to each other and make the announcement when we get them.  Tristan starts soccer on the 18^th, or the 16^th…whichever is a Saturday.  He meets with a therapist tonight, and yesterday his psychiatrist doubled his doses of both meds.  He is to take a half a clonidine in the morning, and 1.5 at night.  I hope this all helps!  Also, Austin and Tristan are going to come do yoga when Joth is teaching.  There is so much to say, and my mind is all over the place, and I’m sure I left out some important stuff but this is exciting!  We have leveled up!!!!