I have to type all these things I want to say to Joth, but
can’t. And since I’m in super honest
mode (mania is like a drug – truth serum qualities and all), I’m also going to
admit that part of the reason I’m putting it here is that I know he might read
it but at the same time, I can claim plausible deniability if he does. See, I don’t want to hurt his feelings,
honestly. I tried to discuss this with
him before and it didn’t go well. You know
how people always say, “I’d rather you talk to me if you’re thinking about
cheating than to do it, at least then we can work out whatever the issue is”? They are lying. I really, truly, honestly don’t know what to
do. I have been here before, and I have
cheated, and I know I don’t want to do that.
I don’t know what talking to him about it would do, anyway, besides make
him paranoid or distrustful, or to feel like he is somehow inadequate or that I
don’t love him and those things aren’t true.
Not at all.
I have a theory.
First of all, I’m here, however I got here, and yes I like it. I’m not going to take steps to make it stop
because I don’t want to. But the
incredible amount of ENERGY here is difficult, it’s a lot, and I think really
aggressive and frequent sex is a way to release all of this unbearable excess
energy. And if I’m going to be honest,
that was all it was when it came to cheating on Brian. I blamed it on the fact that he kept watching
porn behind my back (hey, I know, it was a long time ago and I wasn’t the
person I am now). Anyway, I will
psychoanalyze myself and postulate further.
See, it was the fact that I was repressing my urges to be with him. He wasn’t skilled, or aggressive, or even
able to maintain an erection. I was
sexually unsatisfied, but I did love him (not in a marriage kind of way, but I
cared) so I decided I would make that sacrifice for him. I would repress my urges. I would say no to temptation. So THAT, see, is what infuriated me the most
about the porn – I controlled my urges for him.
But he wouldn’t do it for me. So
I took that as a green light. I was
respecting your feelings, but you don’t care enough to (deny yourself to)
respect mine. If I hadn’t felt like I
was depriving myself, I never would have expected it from him, or cared that he
didn’t.
Anyway, when I was married to Brian, I began a manic
episode. I wanted the type of sex I wasn’t
getting, and I felt that his lack of respect for the lines I expected him not
to cross entitled me to cross the lines he expected me not to. So I did it.
I did it with Juliea, and I did it with Shawn and Juliea, and I did it
with a random guy I met on the internet and a random girl HE met on the
internet. And I did it with my friend’s
friend, and Shyloh, and Debbie, two of my exes, two different guys I met at 2
different parties, my friend’s boyfriend’s brother. Holy shit,
I never wrote that all down until now.
Woah. I wasn’t even sorry. I am, a little, now, because he deserved a
conversation. Joth deserves a
conversation, but yet I know he won’t be receptive to one.
And do you know what?
I can’t get a hold of him right now, I don’t know where he is, he isn’t
answering his phone. I find myself
hoping he IS having sex with someone else, just so I have a reason to. And it isn’t that he isn’t good at it, or
that we don’t have chemistry. But let’s
just be blunt, I need to be dominated right now. And hey, I’ll even venture a guess that he needs
the same. He wants what I want, and
neither of us can give it to each other.
I have no interest in dominating, I won’t do it, not even to get what I
want. How could I dominate someone and
then look at that person as someone who could dominate ME? And sure, he could, but I wouldn’t buy
it. How could I take you seriously as
aggressive and in charge and possibly a little dangerous if you just laid down
for me and surrendered, weak? I don’t
have respect for people who defer to me.
I think there’s a whole psychological vein we could explore right now,
and I’ll admit I’m far from healthy, but these are my true desires.
I love Joth. I love
him so much, and truly. His happiness is
my priority and I think he is amazing.
But I think, for both our sakes, that we really need a polyamorous relationship. He deserves to have the type of sex he wants
that I can not give him, and I would really like to have an approved,
consenting arena where I can experience this without risking my relationship or
causing pain to him. He’s gentle, and
sometimes I need to be borderline abused.
It has been almost two years and he has never done that, never will do
that. I am talking about the type of
fiery passion, the unbridled lust, the unscripted unplanned whirlwind intensity
grab you by your hair and throw you and mercilessly make you scream kind of
thing. No, I don’t want to talk about
it. I don’t want to schedule it, map it,
draw a diagram, pencil it on the calendar, I want to be taken by surprise
permission NOT asked warning NOT given.
As time ticks by, my frustration builds that as happy as my relationship
is, I can never be fulfilled in this way.
It is probably the same for him.
He probably feels just as unfulfilled as I do, and I will never step
into that role. So why remain sexually
dissatisfied? We are in love, our
relationship is strong, and we have trust.
I think we would BOTH benefit from loosening up the monogamy in this
relationship.
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