I'm a little tired tonight because it's already 3:30 and I'm just getting started. I went and posted a review for Juliea on her doula page, and I tend to get a little wordy so it went a little long. It's true to form, though -- at work, my average call length is longer than anyone else's on the team. I pride myself in using 1,000 words to say what the average person could express in 10. ;)
Everything today is FREAKING AMAZING!! Making good choices and having a heart filled with gratitude are shaping my life, day by day, in spectacular new ways. I feel like a new woman.
First, Sienna's birth father contacted me on that dating website last night. He made no attempt to disguise himself and I did reply to his first message. He claimed to only want to know how Sienna was doing, so I provided a brief update. We chatted for a minute and joked around, and I felt a little conflicted about even going down that path. I knew it was wrong. Then, he asked how Tristan was doing and I told him that he should be back with me by the end of the school year. Immediately the nasty insults, assumptions, and discouragement began. He told me I needed to get my shit together, accused me of focusing on everything but my kids, and at first I was baited and felt the need to defend myself.
But wait. He doesn't know me anymore. He can say whatever he wants to -- primarily because he knows what buttons to push. But I don't have to listen to it, nor do I need to explain myself to HIM, of all people! I know what I've done and I know what I'm about, where the hell has he been since June? Nowhere even close enough to my life to be qualified to form an opinion about it.
He doesn't know that I go to counseling every week, that I got my own place in Tristan's school district, that I got a steady well-paying job through which I have insurance on Tristan, that I have been to his field trip, conferences, and every single class party he has had. He doesn't have any clue about my plan to save my commission checks in order to afford daycare, or if need be, a lawyer when the school year ends. He is unaware that I already informed Rachel that Tristan would be returning home on the first day of summer vacation, or that my counselor offered to speak on my behalf if we need to go to court. He doesn't know that I have already touched base with the CPS worker handling the guardianship in order to find out what I need to do to get him back. How would he know that I have no roommate, no boyfriend, no drugs, no distractions? He wouldn't, he doesn't, and his opinion means less to me than a Canadian penny. (Sorry, it's really late, not so good with the analogies at this moment...)
Anyway, so I deleted my account on the website. It takes two to tango, and I don't feel like dancing. Get on with your sorry self, and leave me to my life which is a million percent better without you in it. I knew at that moment that I was a stronger woman than I once was, because there was a point in time where I felt powerless to resist him. That's bullshit.
So, this morning on the way to work, I got a Facebook message from Sienna's mom telling me that they were chosen for this adoption finalization thing in their county to celebrate November which is apparently adoption month. I am so happy for them, and they totally deserve it. I looked up the article about them and it brought a tear to my eye. The whole family looks perfect and happy and right, and I am so proud and so blessed to have been a part of making that happen. THEN, Juliea informed me that she does have the pictures she took at the birth and she'll give me a disc on Saturday when we do the women's sweat lodge retreat. I already know what I'm going to do with them, I'm going to make an awesome album photo gift for Sienna and her family as a Christmas gift. You can do stuff like that with pictures on websites like Snapfish, I think. I'll check it out, but I'm very excited to see what kind of awesome creation I can come up with. I just know they'll love it so much, there were pictures of the very first moment Sienna's mom saw her.
Everything is just falling....into....place. I got ranked #1 in our class which means I get first pick of the available shifts. Since we're in training, we get whatever everyone else in the call center doesn't want. So, while it's possible that I may NOT get what I want, I believe there's a great chance I'll get a day shift with weekends off. Score! Let me see you stop me NOW!!! I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, except no. I hurt so BAD. I hurt so much that I didn't even want to blog, except that I haven't posted in a few days and I felt the need to update. (Masochist) Nah, it's just that I like keeping regular records of what's going on in my life so I can look back and read old entries and appreciate how much progress I have made.
I watched a YouTube video about that today, about bridging the gap. It was about four minutes, one of these videos that gets sent to my email about the law of attraction, chakra balancing, and myriad other new agey self help topics I really dig and find helpful. Anywho, this video didn't teach me anything new -- it just reaffirmed the value of my current practice of bridging the past gap. What that means, the man explained, is that most of us have a goal in mind. We strive toward that goal, telling ourselves WHEN this happens, THEN I will be happy. Our happiness is put on hold in anticipation of reaching that goal. Except when we DO reach that goal, we set a new one. And once again, delay our happiness until THAT goal is reached. The end result is that we are always waiting to accomplish the next thing, waiting indefinitely to be happy.
This video suggested looking back two years ago in our lives and appreciating the progress we have made. To be happy and victorious over the obstacles we have overcome and the successes we have achieved. The main key, the man said, is gratitude. Gratitude for everything we have now that we didn't have then. Everything we know now that we were ignorant of in the past. The key is to be grateful for how far we have come, and to allow ourselves to be happy NOW. If not now, then when? And then, of course, it is still acceptable to set goals. It's okay to want more, but it's almost sacrilegious not to be thankful for what we already have. If we aren't happy with what we have now, what makes us think that having more would make a difference?
I have been focusing a lot on gratitude, and I really feel like it is continually allowing the flow of abundance into my life. My day started off to a rough start. I was running late for work and I was afraid I'd get fired -- the highway was closed going north, the roads were icy, and traffic was backed up in town for about a half hour. Still, in that moment, I managed to be grateful. I accepted that I would be late and let it go, focusing on the beauty of the snow. I got to work and was so lucky to be let off with a warning. I remembered to be thankful for that. Then, my first call was my best one yet! The night ended with another first, a customer compliment. You can't let little failures and disappointments get you down, I learned. You always keep your head up so you can see the next blessing coming your way.
I don't want to be negative or focus on the bad, but life isn't ALWAYS sunshine and rainbows. The downside to my night is that I hurt so very, incredibly, unbelievably bad. Everyone at work thinks I have the flu, but I honestly think this is the worst case of arthritis I could ever have imagined. My mind thinks I'm 20, but my body feels like it's 80. My knees and my hips are radiating some excruciating pain and I am in complete agony. Still, though, I told myself that I am grateful to HAVE legs. I'd be lying if I said I'd love them more if they didn't hurt, though. Is it the sub-zero weather? Will I be on a steady diet of Ibuprofen all winter? Is there any relief? Yoga is supposed to be the wonder cure for all that ails you, except I wonder if it is actually aggravating my aches and pains. I don't want to stop, but I need to do some research on natural ways to combat this.
The weekend, though, was great! I got to hang out with the kids and we had a lot of fun. We had a dance party, played restaurant, and watched movies with popcorn. One movie we watched, Turbo, actually made me tear up a little. The message was great, too -- no dream is too big, and no dreamer too small.
I ordered some of their Yule presents and explained winter solstice to them a little better than I did last year. Instead of taking the "Us vs. Them" mentality (the pagans had their holidays and the Christians came and stole them from us, JERKS!) I decided that I wanted to cultivate a more tolerant, compassionate attitude in my children. Even though this may not be exactly what happened, I chose to tell them that ancient civilizations used to celebrate winter solstice, the shortest night of the year. After that day, the sun "came back to life" and grew stronger and stronger every day, making for longer and longer days until midsummer. Then, after Jesus was born (which happened probably in April) they decided to celebrate his birthday around the same time of year so that everyone could celebrate their holidays together at the same time.
It might not be entirely accurate, but I discovered that for quite a few years I held quite a chip on my shoulder toward all Christians in general. I have realized that they are all just people, like everyone else. There are some good and some bad. Any belief system can be used for good or for bad, and as long as it empowers you and makes you feel close to the source, we should honor and respect each other on our individual path. The people I have met at work have really contributed to my change of heart. Mike, Lori, Brian, and Brenda are all Christians. Yet they would be the first to help anyone who needed it, out of the pure kindness of their hearts. They are all so kind and positive.
Brian invited anyone in the class who didn't have a place to go for Thanksgiving to his house. Brenda is always going out of her way to put a smile on someone else's face, whether by buying someone the pop tart she saw them eyeing in the vending machine or offering to share her lunch. Mike tonight, out of the blue, offered to give me his extra Christmas tree -- the kids are going to be so happy! How did he know to ask me? How did he know I didn't have one? Our differences don't matter to me, and they certainly don't seem to matter to them. How ignorant of me to assume that they would judge me for being different when I was the one judging all along. I guess it's true that the advice we give most to others is often the advice we should be heeding ourselves.
I figured out what the kids and I are going to do for gifts this year, and it's going to be awesome! I'm so excited! The next time I have them, we are going to go to one of those paint your own pottery places. You choose a piece, paint it, and they fire it up for you to be ready in a week. Soooo, we are going to do cookie jars. THEN, we are going to fill them with homemade cookies! I am also working on some poetry and found a few good books for sale on the Hay House website. If it weren't for the snow, I'd be loving this holiday season!
You can tell I was too lazy to give much thought to song lyrics today. But it IS a wonderful day! My numbers at work were fantastic, and I found out that I was #1 yesterday. I woke up and did yoga and this chakra threading exercise/meditation that was in my email. I didn't expect much but I was open to anything, and I DID notice a difference! I went to counseling at 3, and I noticed I was calm and peaceful.
Normally, when I'm happy or euphoric, I'm also twitchy and fidgety. I speak too quickly and my mind is racing. If I'm slowed down, I'm usually somewhat somber. Today was different -- I felt elated, but not to the point of grandiosity. I just felt...connected, I guess. I felt RIGHT. Like Baby Bear's porridge. I felt aware, self-assured, and unafraid. It was a great feeling and I intend to do whatever it takes to maintain it. I almost feel like I finally broke through some wall I've been chipping at for the past year. Or like I've been climbing this steep hill on a bicycle all this time and I finally hit the part where I get to start coasting down the other side. I don't know how to tell you that I know, but I am filled with this certainty that now I know, there really is no going back.
The frustrating part is that this realization is internal. While the circumstances of my life definitely reflect my dedication to change and persistence in achieving my goals, there are those who remain skeptical. In their defense, I definitely understand their hesitance. Part of it, I think, is that the story we all told ourselves is that I'm not capable and will never make any sustainable change. I think we all got so attached to this story that even when shown evidence proving it is false, we stick our heads in the sand and pretend we do not see what is happening. We don't know how to reconcile this information which conflicts with our long held preconceived notions. I say we, but I no longer belong to that group. One day, a light bulb went on and I realized that my fate is NOT determined. I decide my future. I make the choices which create it. And now look at me :)
I can't pretend it doesn't hurt a little when those near and dear to me refuse to acknowledge that I have made any progress. I mean, at this point it's a bit ridiculous. I'm not sure what more they expect me to do...become elected president? Sacrifice my first born son -- oh, wait, nevermind. That's pretty much what they DO want from me, isn't it?
Well I'm driving this bus, and no one else is taking the wheel. Meeting with Sue today instilled me with the confidence I needed to make a plan and take action. My son is coming to live with me at the end of the school year, period. They can either cooperate or fight, it makes no difference to me. If I need to get a lawyer, I'll get a lawyer. I don't care what hoop they throw at me, I'm jumping through it and landing in a roundoff double back handspring with my EYES CLOSED. Of course I'm hoping they do cooperate. But I'm tired of feeling bullied, silenced, put off, brushed aside. My voice will be heard, and my son will come home.
I don't want to sound like I'm preparing for battle, because in my heart of hearts, that's not the outcome I'd prefer. Everything feels like a battle lately, and it shouldn't. I'm tired of it. I love my family, I love what they've done for my son, I appreciate them. I don't think there's anything so wrong with expecting that they cooperate with their end of the agreement. I shouldn't have to demand it. But if it comes down to it, I will. If it comes down to the worst, I'm prepared for that too. The money from my commission checks will easily accommodate a lawyer. I'd prefer to save it for daycare for when Tristan comes home, but I'll be ready. Sue said she'd testify on my behalf. Lori from the YWCA will testify on my behalf. Employment, counseling, transportation, drug free, no loser boyfriend or roommate, insurance on Tristan as of December 1. I can take that courtroom by storm, and I'm not afraid to do it. The truth always wins and I'm not afraid of them anymore. BRING IT!!!!!!!
And even if I lose, because of course we all know what happens when we become attached to a particular outcome -- disappointment, then suffering. I do acknowledge that Tristan's path may not lead him to my doorstep at this point in time. I will at least be able to take comfort in knowing that I did all I could, and I'll accept if it just isn't meant to happen at this time. Does that mean I'll give up? Never. A child needs to know that their parent will never abandon them, never give up on them. I've made a lot of mistakes in life and there aren't many things I can say for sure, but one is that I will continue to give 110% to give my kids the very best of what I have to offer them. Ride or die, baby :)
Oh dear goddess I swear on the full moon and my precious children and all that is holy, I CAN.NOT.BE.PREGNANT! Okay I know I'm probably just overreacting. I HOPE. Because, see, ovulation/fertility normally occurs 2 weeks before you get your "monthly gift". I get mine on the full moon, which means I ovulate on the new moon. I have had all the normal PMS symptoms, so I wasn't worried, but the full moon was yesterday and it isn't here yet. Not necessarily a cause for concern, except for two things -- I started puking my guts out tonight, and I DID have sex right ON the new moon.
Now, I'm no fool. We used protection and I have to think the chances are extremely slim that this is morning sickness. I do get symptoms before my period that mimic pregnancy sometimes, such as nausea. I mean, I've been crampy, hungry, and bitchy. I'm probably just hyper-conscious because I'm sick. And because I had sex two weeks ago. But seriously, let's play devil's advocate...what if I AM? Shit, that would be THE WORST EVER! I can NOT have a baby with Emmanuel. It just can't happen. Not only that, but I was at our family holiday gathering yesterday and my sister told me that she and my mother had come to the conclusion that Holly and I broke up.
I was caught off guard, unsure of how to answer. My family is pretty conservative, and although I'm sure they have their suspicions about me, may not accept my involvement in same sex relationships. I just decided to be honest, though -- I mean, really, what else have I got to lose? I told her the truth and to my great shock, she didn't judge me or shoot me a disapproving glare or any of that. I was really surprised that she seemed relatively accepting. That gives me a whole new level of freedom and security in knowing that whatever healthy relationship I pursue, I may have my family's support. That really changes things. But this...oh, this could REALLY throw a wrench in the works. I'm going to try not to get too worked up because it's only one day. Crossing my fingers...
In other news, Sienna's parents updated her picture on their Facebook page and added a family photo. I think of all the research I did, and all the people I talked to, and all my fears and worries about whether I was doing the right thing. At the end of the day, though, decisions should be based on what you feel in your heart and what brings you a feeling of peace regardless of what anyone tells you, studies and testimonies, research and doubts, any of it. After 8 months, it feels like the hardest part of the grief process is over. I have surrendered, and accepted, and whenever I see her pictures it reinforces that peaceful certainty that things are just as they should be. Sometimes, even the right path gets bumpy. Sometimes, even the best decision is hard. Sometimes the biggest blessings still come with a side of sadness, but the trick is identifying the root of the feeling and understanding the difference between grief and regret. Parting with a loved one hurts, regardless of the circumstances. Recognizing that while accepting that of my available options, it was still the best one, is helpful.
I feel so much love and appreciation for them in being exactly the parents I hoped they would be, and loving her just as I hoped they would. I see the family they have made together and there is no doubt in my mind that she fits. And she belongs. And I'm okay with that.
I'm about to enjoy a glass of Menage Trois wine. My mom gave me the whole bottle yesterday because she had bought it and didn't like it. It's a blend of cabernet, merlot, and zinfandel. The only thing that would make it better would be if it were cabernet, merlot, and shiraz...but it's still very delicious. Good night, all, and happy full moon!
Last night was so crazy...I'm surprised I didn't blog about it, but I was just really tired when I got home. Well, that's not exactly true. I stayed up until 4 AM, so I wasn't TIRED, I just wasn't in the mood for blogging.
Anyway, first I went and volunteered in Tristan's class for his camping day thing. Rachel volunteered too and took him to counseling afterwards. He was really happy to see me there and he wrote a note that said, "I love you and I miss you a lot. I wish I could live with you. I will see you next weekend. Love, your son Tristan."
Nowwwwwwwwwww, I must admit that I had a momentary temptation to take a picture of it and post it on Facebook. See, last year on Mother's Day, Tristan's idiot teacher must have become confused about the definition of "MOTHER", and incorrectly assumed that it was the same thing as "AUNT".
It wouldn't have pissed me off so much if she had told Tristan to do something special for her to acknowledge her unique role in his life (which, again, is NOT as his mother) but instead she had him make the same exact Happy Mother's Day project for her that he made for me. It wasn't really appropriate, because it said "My mom is as pretty as a _____, as smart as a ______" and some other stuff. Point being, she's not his mom.
Anyway, she decided to pull a really bitchy move by taking a picture of it and posting it on Facebook. So what? I got one too, and I'm his ACTUAL mother. Just because his teacher forced him to make one for you doesn't mean a damn thing so shut UP!
Sorry. I am really working on releasing all my anger and resentment. Sue said that I scored high for hostility on this little assessment she gave me, which surprised me at first, but then I thought about stuff like this. I present a calm and peaceful exterior, but inside I'm tangled knots of seething rage. I'm not angry at EVERYONE -- mostly just Rachel. They've been lying to me and manipulating me this whole time, and of course I know it! That's what makes it the most frustrating, is that I KNEW I was being played by them, but what choice did I have?
I wanted what was best for my son and I felt powerless to do anything else. At the time first grade was due to begin, I was bringing home $600 a month and FOC decided it was appropriate to take $300 of that in child support (even though the amount I am ordered to pay is $170, but I guess they get to double that if you're behind, because...you know....when you've been off work for a while and get behind on child support, you have all this EXTRA money coming out of your ass when you return to the work force...) Anyway, I didn't have a backpack for him, or shoes, or school clothes...NOTHING.
I still remember that day vividly, Tristan and I both standing on Jason and Lisa's porch crying while my brother took him home with him. I was promised repeatedly they would "never dream of taking him", but I always had a sinking feeling that I was in for a big battle. Oh, this is temporary, we want to start a family of our own, taking your son is the last thing we'd ever do, blah blah blah. But I knew. I think they expected that I'd just give up, stop fighting. I think they thought I'd stay with Noe and keep making bad choices. I think they expected this to be EASY -- well, that's just not going to be the case. I have limited means and resources and I have no lawyer, so I may be relatively powerless now, but I'm a great mother and there is no reason on Goddess' green earth that my son shouldn't come back home. If they get custody, it's only a matter of time before I get a lawyer and come back with a vengeance.
So, yeah, I got off track (surprise). But you can understand how I was really, really, REALLY tempted to take a picture of that letter that said he wishes he could live with me and post it for the whole world to see. But the thing is, she loves to provoke me until I react and then call ME the bitch for reacting. If I lower myself to the same level of bullshit she engages in, I'm no better than her. And besides, all she would see or understand would be my behavior, never making the connection to her own.
She loves to make these scathing comments -- like when she said "your son" in quotes as if he isn't REALLY my son, as if living with them for less than two years magically alters his parentage. She knew that would piss me off, and when it did and I lashed out back at her, all of a sudden she's pointing fingers because I'm "emotionally unstable". I swear, arguing with her is just like it was to argue with Noe. She twists around everything you say and makes statements that are baseless and completely untrue just because she knows they'll irritate me. Do I want someone as crazy as SHE is raising my son? Good GOD!
I think it's hilarious that they have issues with my son lying and they act like they're in a position to punish him for it or correct his behavior...look at the behavior you're modeling! She lies so much, and I really wonder if she thinks anyone believes her. For this camping thing at Tristan's school, he told me about it, but there were no papers in his folder. So I texted Rachel and asked where the rest of his papers were, she said his homework was at her house and never mentioned the camping trip. Tristan said his teacher had sent home papers about it and that Rachel was going. So then I told Rachel I was planning on coming to the camping thing at his school and she pretended she didn't know anything about it and asked ME if I knew what time everything was happening. So then point blank I called her out and told her that Tristan had told me that his teacher had sent home papers and that she had already seen them. Shit like that, all the time. I'll try to call him and she'll text me back after he's in bed claiming that her phone had been dead. Once I tried to call at 7:30, left a message, texted, called my BROTHER at 8, then Facebooked her and she tried to tell me he had gone to bed at 7:30. I guess because she's such an idiot, she must assume I am too.
Oooh. Anger. I didn't even mean to go down this path, and now I'm dredging up all KINDS of hostility. *deep breath* Sue says everyone is doing the best they can. It's hard for me to accept that, that everyone does the best they can from their level of consciousness. But when I consider my own behavior throughout my entire life, I find that to be true. So, as hard as it is, I must accept this as the case for everyone I encounter, even those who frustrate me. But what about people who do evil things?
Juliea says monsters are made, not born. The child molester, the rapist, the serial killer -- something happened in their life, okay, maybe they had a bad childhood. I can't tell you how many men I've dated who had dysfunctional or non-existent relationships with their mothers, or even who had been abused by their mothers. Does this mean, though, that they are doing the best THEY can from THEIR level of consciousness? What does it take to reach a person like that? If they're doing the best they can, what will it take to bring them to a level of consciousness from which they can do better? The initiative, I believe, must come from within. Are some, though, so far gone that the little voice inside can no longer be heard?
Disturbing things I'd rather not ponder. Yesterday, I was driving home at about 2:30 in the morning and I was going around a curve on the highway. I was just getting ready to light a cigarette and was in the middle lane, coming up on the person in the right line about to pass them. I was about 10 feet behind them and I saw them drift toward the wall on the outer edge of their lane. I slowed down, they were dangerously close. I wondered what would happen, but I never imagined what I saw next. All of a sudden, the car flipped, and flipped, and skidded. It was surreal, like it was happening in slow motion. It came to a rest, upside down, and I fumbled with my phone to call 911. I couldn't unlock my phone so I pulled over and put on my hazards.
The road was empty and I was scared -- was it my responsibility to go check on them, to see if they were okay? What if they weren't? What if they were trapped in the car? How would I get them out? I called 911 and just sat there, immobilized. When I saw a motorcyclist stop to assist, I left. I looked up the news article today to see if they were okay, and it was just one man, a drunk driver. He's in jail now. I'm just glad I was in the process of lighting a cigarette, because if I HAD passed them, I might have been caught up in that mess. Or not. I don't know but it's fun to say that smoking may have saved my life ;)
Today has been a pretty excellent day. I woke up and got my hair done, it looks so cute! She cut off the dead ends, touched up my roots, and put a few bright red streaks in it for me. I love it.
After my hair was done, I came back home and slept until it was time to go to work. Soooo, not much to report there. I did again have some really vivid and intense dreams. I love full moons for that -- they don't feel like normal dreams. I feel almost like I am actually in another world, that I am meeting up with old friends on the astral plane. I can actually FEEL the sensations and think with my conscious mind while experiencing the dream with my subconscious mind. I always feel that the veil is slightly parted during these times.
When I got to work, the silver hoop earrings I had ordered from Brenda had arrived, so I put them on and they completed my look. I felt beautiful again and that was a nice feeling. Things went really well on the phones and everyone in the group was acting crazy. It almost felt like a Friday, we were all laughing and joking around and just being silly. Thank goodness tomorrow IS Friday, though. I'm ready for a break. :)
I stopped in to the gas station yesterday before work and I saw a sign on the door that said, "Now hiring. 7.50 an hour". I remembered that it was only two years ago that I was begging for jobs like those -- something, ANYTHING. I couldn't make my house payment, couldn't afford to put gas in my car to bring my kids anywhere or get to class, couldn't buy toilet paper or mittens for my son or snowpants so he could play on the hill at his school. It was a miserable time and I was struggling so much -- to imagine that in two short years I went from that to this amazes me.
I realized how lucky I am to be making double the minimum wage, plus commission and benefits. I feel so blessed that I have tuition reimbursement, vacation time, sick time, paid holidays, and medical coverage. I think of all the things I can do now -- get my teeth fixed, go back to school, take time off for a family vacation. I have my own place and I pay rent on time. I don't have to alternate which bills to skip. I don't have to feel guilty for getting my hair done. I made this happen, and I'm so proud of me!
Of course, I acknowledge that the universe accomplished this THROUGH me, I'm not so arrogant as to think my actual ego accomplished anything. I know it's all a result of living in alignment and manifesting my happiness. It took work, but most of all, it took a change of thought pattern. Wayne Dyer is SOOOOO correct when he asserts that when you change your thoughts, you can change your life -- and I am testament to that fact.
Now that I'm here, what do I do next? The whole world stands open before me. Of course, my first goals are to get on a day shift and for my son to live with me again and to have more time with my daughter. Maybe her dad would even be open to joint custody -- anything is possible! I just need to remember that what I am today is a result of what I did yesterday, so what I am tomorrow depends on what I do today. I think now that I value the place I'm in right now, I'm more conscious of my behaviors and choices and more selective of the path I'm going to take.
It had to occur to me that I can do whatever I want -- no one is going to ground me, or forbid me, or give me extra chores. No one is going to send me to bed early (although that DOES sound nice sometimes!) or call my parents. I am free to make my own choices, but every action has a reaction, and some choices have consequences I'm unwilling to live with. I've come too far to sabotage my success for some impulsive fun. I've seen how destructive some things can be, and I choose not to do them because I value myself and my place in life more than I value the temporary thrill of excitement.
I remember the days when I used to party all night and sleep all day. Call in to work whenever I didn't feel like coming, let friends without driver's licenses drive my car, spend $600 on a Halloween costume, skip paying bills to buy booze instead, take impromptu trips to the strip club and walk home in the middle of the night, rent my basement to people I barely knew and couldn't trust, ride around downtown with a driver who wouldn't think twice to give a prostitute and her pimp a ride, travel around and sleep in 4 star hotel rooms and get room service while my kids spent the weekend with a friend or relative. I ask myself, was it worth it? Was I happy? Would I trade what I have now for that lifestyle? Not at all. Sometimes you get the opportunity to do and have everything you thought you wanted, just so you can realize that what you REALLY want is what you already had and failed to appreciate.
It's been a rough few years, but I can tell you one thing -- I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned, and I won't go back.
Today's lyric comes to you from the lovely Tristan Prettyman. I came across her while I was following YouTube rabbit trails, from Ani DiFranco to Florence + The Machine to The XX to Metric...and somewhere in there, a previously undiscovered gem.
It's 3 AM and I have to leave here at 8 AM. Of course, as tired as I was last night...guess what. WIRED. Of course!!! I believe it's a manic phase setting in. I woke up abnormally early, had intensely vivid sexual dreams, have been talkative and in high spirits, and am nowhere near tired at 3 in the morning.
I came to a conclusion today. I will never trust a man. The biggest reason is....they're all liars!!!! That's not really a fair statement. It did occur to me that, in our own little ways, maybe we are ALL liars. The problem with me is that I am so sensitive to it that I simply can not tolerate it. I can not survive long in an interaction or relationship which requires me to pretend to believe something that I most assuredly know is not true. I can FEEL it. Every time I try to deny it, rationalize it, make excuses for the person, or say I'm just paranoid...my suspicions are ALWAYS validated. So I'm just going to put it out there, Emmanuel is as full of shit as any other man and while we may all be full of shit, not everyone can be content with turning a blind eye. This is my lot in life -- extremely sensitive empath destined to walk the earth alone for all eternity because I will never find an honest soul.
Oh, and I'm not saying I'm completely honest all the time. I wouldn't trust ME, either. That's the problem -- I demand the impossible. Accepting lies makes me too uncomfortable and makes me doubt my standing in another person's life. If you lie to me once, about one thing, no matter how insignificant -- I will question everything you ever tell me and suspect you of dishonesty until the end of time.
I don't want that. You don't want that. Therefore, the decision has been made, and that decision is that I will commit myself to no one, ever. Period.
