The Tower

Here's the funny thing.  The first night that Noe came over, I did a tarot reading while I awaited his arrival.  Although it contained some promising cards, such as the two of cups (what better card could one ask for in a relationship reading, besides The Lovers???), in the outcome position stood The Tower.  Convinced that I had made some mistake, I reshuffled and dealt again.  The Tower was still there.  Frustrated, I tried to twist my interpretation so that I could see the card in a favorable light.  Let's see...The Tower shows someone falling from the top of a crumbling, flaming structure.  Falling. Falling in love?  Hahahaha.  See how we can delude ourselves.

Well, here I am, amidst this pile of rubble that was once the relationship I built with N. It crumbled to the ground, sending me falling in terror back down to the ground where I must start building all over again.  What will I build?  A new life?  Another relationship?  It's time to pick up the broken pieces, heal from the disaster, and make something stronger.

I'm very scared, I'm not going to lie.  In less than 15 minutes, I will be at the Homeless Assessment Center where they will be getting me into a shelter.  I'm starting over, off into the great unknown.  I feel also like The Fool.  Of course I keep asking myself if I'm sure, if I can't maybe give it just one more try.  He keeps telling me he'll change, he'll never hurt me again.  The thing is, I heard it before.  He cheated on me and said he wouldn't fuck up again.  Then I found out he was sleeping in the same bed as his wife.  He said he wouldn't hurt me again.  Then I found conversations he was having with other girls on Yahoo Chat while I was at work.  Guess what?  He said he'd never do it again.  Guess what?  I don't fucking believe him!!!!!

Here's the worst part.  I think part of what kept me in this relationship for so long was some aspect of competition.  Sick, isn't it?  She still wanted him, and I had him.  But then he slept with her, and then he was living with her, so I constantly felt like I had to compete.  That I had to WIN.  That she had to know that I was number one.  WHAT?  I don't WANT to be "number one".  I want to be the ONLY ONE!!!  I was laughing at her because he left her and moved in with me, but guess who's laughing now?  I thought I won, but what did I really win?  A booby prize, junk that no one wants anyway.  I guess the joke is on me.

But wait, here's the best part.  When I broke up with him, he said he was going to talk to her about getting back together "for the girls".  Really?  So what have I really had with him for the past ten months?  He never gave me all of him, he never let go of her, he never committed completely to me.  Not like I did to him.  I don't have a backup plan.  Either he loved her the whole time he was with me, which was an insult to me, or he doesn't love her and he's going to be with her anyway.  How cruel!  SHE loves HIM.  Why deny her the opportunity to be with someone who will TRULY love her just because you're selfish and helpless and can't take care of yourself?  It's not what's best for your daughters...what kind of message do you think you're sending about the kind of treatment they should expect from men when they are of age to date?

***RANT OVER***

19 Weeks

Wow.  I think I jinxed myself.  On Friday, I just wrote about how things have to change.  Then, on Saturday...they did. 

I had my kids for the weekend.  N and I decided to take them to Art Prize on Saturday.  Tensions were already pretty high -- I picked him up from work after the last entry and questioned him about a McDonald's receipt I had found in my car.  On it were three McChickens, 5 McDoubles, 4 four piece nuggets, 2 large fries, and 2 large cokes.  Supposedly, he had only taken his two daughters (4 and 7) with him.  It appeared to me that someone else had accompanied him.  Of course I was angry, considering that if he had, he had used my car to take some other girl to McDonald's.  (Probably his wife).  Anyway, he denied it and I couldn't really prove it, but negative vibes were flowing everywhere. 

I had asked him a few days prior if he could babysit for me on Saturday while I worked, and he had agreed.  We got home and he stayed in the bedroom, not talking to me, playing on Facebook for hours and hours.  He barely had two words to say to me, yet he managed to find all the time in the world for people on Facebook.  That wasn't the first time it happened, either -- his phone had become more of a girlfriend to him by that point than I had, and I was tired of it.  He came into the kitchen to make coffee at about six or seven at night, casually mentioned that he had to work the next day so he didn't know what I was going to do about a sitter, and went back to the bedroom.  More arguing ensued and finally I decided I'd just call in to work.  He came to bed calling me names, saying that I was a ho that was only good for being degraded, telling me he wanted a girl who hadn't been with the whole town, and insulting me in other ways.  He forced himself sexually on me and ended the evening by saying he didn't love me anymore.  Then, when he woke up, he demanded that I get him lunch ready for work.  I told him I wasn't going to take orders from someone who would disrespect me and he could get his own damn lunch.  He dragged me to the kitchen by my hair, and I went back to the bedroom.  He turned on the light and woke up my son, which pissed me off.  (It was only about 6 AM on a Saturday morning).  He insulted me and disrespected me in front of my son.  He dragged me to the kitchen by my hair AGAIN, but I stood firm and refused to make him lunch.  Who the HELL does he think he is????

Anyway, he ended up apologizing and I made up my mind that I was going to leave him on Monday.  I had my kids, though, and I wanted  to spend the weekend with them.  So I decided to make the best of it and play nice until then.  What a mistake THAT was!  Fast forward to Art Prize...we're walking around downtown, and he is taking great pains to make sure he is not standing too close to us.  He keeps walking ahead of us, on the other side of exhibits from us, doing whatever he has to do make it look like he isn't with us.  I started getting frustrated, but I bit my tongue. 

Then we went to an exhibit by his friend Kat, whom I know he has a thing for.  I told myself that if he stood by my side the whole time and acted like he was proud to be with me in front of her, I'd let the rest of it all go.  At first, things went well.  He said, "Okay, let's go" and we stood up to leave the temple.  Kat greeted everyone on their way out.  I thought he was right behind us because he had been sitting next to me, but when I turned around, he was about four people behind me.  I let my irritation get the best of me and questioned him about his shady behavior.  He started speed walking back to the car.  I had no idea where I was parked, so I depended on him to lead me back.  I had two children in tow and he wasn't stopping or slowing down for us.  By the time we reached my car, pissed off and out of breath, I was fuming.  I have no sense of direction, so I started driving aimlessly.  I didn't know the way back home. 

Soon he was telling me how stupid I was and how much of an idiot I was because I couldn't find my way back.  He proceeded to berate and insult me for two hours, just cruelly cutting me down and laughing at me.  I shouldn't have let it bother me because I know I AM an intelligent person, but I let him get under my skin.  As the night went on, he continued poking me, tickling me, touching me -- anything to irritate me.  I ended up biting him because he was pissing me off so bad, but he continued.  I decided to leave and go to my sister's, so he choked me (I was lying on the floor next to my son at this point) then grabbed me by the hair and threw me on top of my daughter.  Finally, he took off with my car so I called my brother (who is a police officer) to find out how to report it stolen.  Well, karma can be a bitch...by the time my brother showed up, the police showed up as well.  None of us had called them -- he had been pulled over because my plates are expired.  I told the cop what happened, but because I had bit him, it didn't matter.  Honestly!!!  He fucking CHOKED me and THREW ME BY MY HAIR on TOP OF MY DAUGHTER!!!  Not to mention, all of THAT was unprovoked.  I was only trying to sleep.  When I had bit him, he had been holding me down, tickling me, poking me, grabbing me...I'm not saying it was justified, but it was PROVOKED.  What the FUCK? 

Anyway, he went to jail for driving without a license and his sister bailed him out.  I went to my brother's for the night and his wife brought me back to my car the next morning.  Well, I had nowhere to stay because the homeless assessment thing is not open on Sundays, so I was going to sleep in my car.  I brought N his hard hat and he sucked me back in for a minute, but I keep thinking of my son and how I have to give him the best life I can.  He shouldn't have seen that, and N won't change.  I'm not happy with him and I never will be.  He isn't faithful and he won't ever be.  He isn't honest and he won't ever be that either.  Can I accept a mean lying cheater?  Will I sacrifice my loving, precious little boy for him?  Like hell.

I'm going to the women's shelter tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

18 Weeks

I don't have much time for this entry, but tomorrow I will be 19 weeks along so I wanted to put a little update of some type.  I have been battling the munchies in a big way, since at my last OB appointment I found out that I had gained 10 lbs in a month!  I went to the grocery store and loaded up on fruit, nuts, protein bars, yogurt, and other healthy selections.  It helps also that I am working at night, which is the time that I am most likely to snack.  Staying busy during that time helps to keep my mind off of food.  It's an ongoing battle, though!  Today I was so proud of myself because instead of eating one of the cheeseburgers in the refrigerator that were calling my name, I ate a protein bar and some crackers instead.  Then I left the house before I could change my mind!

N got a job, which is really good for him and I'm very happy for him.  As far as life in general goes for us, I suppose individually we are doing rather well.  Unfortunately, I am to the point of realizing that our relationship is beyond repair.  I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do, but having a conversation with him about it at this point would be useless.  It's like I am an orange and he is an apple, and in order for me to be happy, I need to be with a strawberry and in order for him to be happy, he needs to be with a pineapple.  I can never turn him into a strawberry and he can never turn me into a pineapple.  That doesn't mean that he isn't a wonderful, fantastic apple.  Also, I could be the best orange that ever could be -- but that means nothing to someone who wants a pineapple.  Ya dig?  Maybe I have too much time on my hands to be coming up with these off the wall analogies.

I haven't had as much heartburn lately, which I think may be related to the fact that I'm not eating as much food as I was before.  Work is going well, although it can be frustrating at times.  Calling people over and over again to take a survey gets boring because most of those calls end in hangups.  Hey, I don't blame them -- I'd hang up on me, too!  Who wants to be on the phone for 20 minutes with a complete stranger taking a survey???  I applied for another job which is full time and pays more, so I'm crossing my fingers that I can get it.

I have both of my kids this weekend and I'm very excited!  No matter what disappointment and hurt I harbor within me, I'm not going to let it show because I want us all to have a good weekend.  Something's got to change, though, and soon.  People underestimate me, but I do have my limits.

17 Weeks

I'm a ticking time bomb.  I'm not really sure what to do, but I'm absolutely certain that SOMETHING needs to change.  Of course, I believe that the first person I should look at is myself.  What am I doing that may be sabotaging my efforts?  How am I contributing to a bad situation?  What steps have I taken to put myself on this path of bitterness and disappointment? 

I will be the first to admit, I am no saint.  Undoubtedly there are many instances I could find where I did not handle a particular situation the correct way, or where I brought pain and suffering upon myself.  I am all too willing to take all the blame.  The problem is, though, when I take full responsibility for the problems I have now and take action to correct what I am doing wrong, it still doesn't help.  This would indicate a factor at play which has not been taken into account.  If I were doing everything wrong, and then I corrected those behaviors, one would presume that things would get better.  They don't.

Surprise, surprise.  I am just too mentally exhausted and emotionally drained to keep dumping my energy into this black hole of misery.  Someone else needs to take responsibility for their share of creating this mess, or things will never change.  Someone else needs to recognize that they are contributing to the tailspin that is my relationship, or it will crash and burn.  I need help.  I can't save this on my own.

Enough about THAT.  As far as the pregnancy goes, I have entered into the heartburn phase.  It doesn't matter what I eat or how many Rolaids I consume afterward, my acid reflux is out of control.  It's been constantly burning in my chest and tearing up my esophagus for the past four days.  N thinks that this indicates that I will be having a baby with a lot of hair.  Surprisingly, I read in a pregnancy magazine that the old wives' tale connecting heartburn and hairy babies has some truth to it.  Apparently, the hormone which promotes fetal hair growth (progesterone) is also responsible for relaxing the esophagus more and allowing acid to flow more freely up from the stomach.  Interesting, no?

I quit the job at the dry cleaner's.  The drive was so far that I was spending $50 a week on gas.  I was making $8 an hour and getting about 25 hours a week.  To top it all off, I was working HARD.  It was basically a sweatshop!  I would stand over a steaming machine without taking any breaks for four to five hours at a stretch.  My neck would be screaming afterward, my hands would be covered in burns from the iron, and the shirts I attempted to iron would be more wrinkled after my failed efforts than they had been when I got them.  I tried to keep a positive attitude and just stick with it, but one day my boss told me I needed to go faster.  I had been there a few weeks, she said, and I should know the machine well enough to increase my speed.  I explained that what was slowing me down was not putting the shirts in the press, it was the touch-ups.  No one had properly explained to me how to actually iron the damn sleeves, and everyone was so busy running around like chickens with their heads cut off that they simply did NOT have a spare five minutes to train me.  This resulted in me just "winging it" and trying my best to figure it out on my own. 

I have had two job interviews since then and I am desperately hoping to get a call soon about either one.  I am also registered with two temp agencies, so I have GOT to catch my break soon.  In the meantime, I'm going to be doing "market research" at an outbound call center.  Yeah, I'll be one of those annoying people calling you to take a survey.  Hey, at least now I'll be getting paid $8 an hour to just sit and call people.  The downside of this job, though, is that sometimes there is no work for up to a couple weeks at a time.  So it's only a temporary fix.

Well, I suppose that's enough from me today.  Au revoir!

16 Weeks

Well, I'm 16 weeks along now...and freaking HUGE.  I feel fat.  When you consider that the baby is only about as big as an avocado, there really isn't much explanation for the failure to button my pants anymore.  Besides, when I grab onto this giant belly, it isn't hard and pregnant-feeling.  It isn't full of baby.  It jiggles, like a bowl full of jelly.  Ho, ho, ho indeed.  >:-[

I was thinking about my future, about being saddled with the responsibility of babyhood yet again with a man I'll never trust.  I'm so broke, and I'm never going to get ahead.  I still need to pay off that ticket to get my license unsuspended, then put insurance on my car and renew my plates.  I'm spending 50 a week in gas and 300 a month in rent, which leaves me with exactly zero to do anything else with.  I'm not sure when I'm going to get maternity clothes or start buying baby things, but those aren't exactly purchases which can be postponed indefinitely.  What the fuck am I doing?  What kind of life am I creating for myself?

Enough whining about how much things suck.  Anyway, I suppose things could be much worse.  I have fairly good health, I'm not crippled or paralyzed, I'm of sound mind (sort of), and I'm not starving or sleeping out on the streets.  I have to realize that there are some people who would love to have the life I do, even if I don't appreciate it all the time.  I know I've made some bad decisions and I know my life isn't exactly what I wish it could be, but all any of us can do is focus on the positive.  Believe me, I AM trying.  It's just that I feel like I'm at a dead end sometimes.  After having your heart shattered and your dreams ripped apart so many times, a person has a tendency to become bitter and cynical.  I never wanted that for myself, but I feel like I'm starting to give up on things ever getting better.  One can only stay full of hope for so long before life demonstrates with excruciating clarity that all we are ever destined for is disappointment.  Wow, that sounded cheerful.

I started that post a couple of days ago, and I'm in a somewhat improved state of mind today.  I have been applying for better jobs and I have a really good feeling that I'm going to get one.  I've decided, in regards to my relationship, I've got to either be all in or fold.  If I'm staying with him, I have to give it my best if  I want to have any hope of success.  Yes, we may still fail, but it won't be for lack of me trying.

Things have been a little rough on all fronts lately, but I'm trying my very hardest to hang in there and make the best of things.  For example, I have been going to Mackinac Island every year for almost ten years with my mom, sister, female cousins, aunts, grandma, and her sister.  This year, I was not invited.  Not only that, but my mom paid for my cousin Katie to go and she took her instead.  They didn't even bring me back any fudge.  :(  I do realize I'm presenting a one-sided view of things, because in reality, my mom and I haven't spoken since May.  I've been pretty much kicked out of the family and have not been a part of any kind of family gatherings or anything of the sort.  So, if she HAD invited me, I probably wouldn't have gone anyway.  Who are we kidding?  I know where I'm not wanted.  Whatever.

There was another whole debacle involving my son's birthday party which my brother and his wife threw, but I won't get into that.  I don't want to dwell on negativity.  Suffice it to say, I should never have attended.  It was the most awkward, uncomfortable, humiliating situation ever.  I'm not sure why they even invited me.

Let's see, what's new in pregnancy this week?  Well, I have an insatiable appetite.  I cry for no reason.  The seams of my pants and the cuffs of my socks leave little dents in my skin which take forever to disappear -- I believe this means I am retaining water.  It makes sense, because my ankles are swollen.  This has never happened before.  I also have chloasma this time, which has not happened before either.  It's these little brown splotches on my chest, neck, pelvic area, and back that look kind of like birthmarks.  I read that it goes away sometime after having the baby, which is reassuring.  My bladder is not holding up as well as it did during my first two pregnancies, which just means I have to do more Kegels.  I'm only 4 months along -- if I already have issues with bladder control, that does not bode well for the next 5.

My sister is due in November and of course, she hardly looks pregnant.  Bitch.  She's always been a size 2 and although she claims she's gained 30 pounds, I have no idea where it is.  She's just a skinny girl with a baby belly.  Cute, but I already know I'm not going to be so lucky.  GAHHHHH!  It can be so hard to focus on the positive sometimes!  I feel the baby move all the time, and I'm starting to think it's a girl.  Of course, N wants a boy, but it's not like we get any choice in the matter.  I suppose that's all for now!

Rearranging chairs on the Titanic...

I'm sorry, but you should be forewarned that this blog is probably going to contain a lot of venting about my relationship.  That is not to say I'm not happy or that it's a bad relationship, because I'm obviously with this guy for a reason.  It's just that I get frustrated and I have a tendency to discuss my issues with the wrong people.  I have learned that it's best to keep relationship issues to yourself.  People try to get involved, but even if you have given them as unbiased an account as you are capable of, they will tend to have a skewed perspective on the situation at hand.  No one can fully understand the interpersonal dynamics of a couple unless they are actually a part of that relationship.  Friends of either partner will naturally see their friend more favorably in situations involving conflict and have a different take on who is to blame or whether an action was justified.  Not only that, but if you talk shit about your boyfriend to your friends when you're mad, do you really think they're going to want to be buddy buddy with him when things are going well?

Okay, enough of the prologue.  On to the issue at hand.  I just don't know what to do anymore!!!  The problem is, he lies so much.  Consistently.  About anything -- big things, little things, important things, irrelevant things.  He once told me he rolled cigarettes in high school and sold them to his friends for a quarter each.  I totally believed him -- why wouldn't I?  He would have no reason to make that up!  It turned out, though, that it was total bullshit.  From things like that to lying about being married and everything in between.  It's no wonder I second guess everything now!  So here I find myself in the difficult position of being so suspicious that I naturally question everything that comes out of his mouth.  I have no doubt that much of it is lies.  It's not like he just magically cured this pathological lying habit overnight.  The problem?  How to discern the lies from the truth.  Of course if I ask him, he tells me it's ALL truth.  Of course I know that's definitely bullshit.  I just feel like I'm blindly wading in this pool of mystery and I hate the feelings of uncertainty and insecurity I get.  I feel paranoid and crazy, but I'm NOT paranoid -- it's completely natural to doubt a liar!  I love him, but I wonder how much longer I can go on this way.  Besides, how do I know that he even loves ME?  How do I know anything between us is real?  He could very well have been lying about all of THAT from day one.  How would I know? 

Yesterday was bizarre.  We had this talk about how much we love each other and how much we want to try hard to make this work.  He said all the right things and life was good.  Then he asked me if I wanted to watch TV with him, an activity during which we usually cuddle on the couch.  For the second time that day, he sat down in the chair next to the couch.  Yeah, he held my hand, so freaking what?  The arm of his chair and the arm of the couch were between us and it was like we were on a date at the movie theater.  Not even!  His words had said, "I love you and I want to show you how much I care."  His actions completely contradicted that.  His actions said, "I want to put space between us.  I don't want to be close to you.  I don't want to show affection."  In my experience, such a significant change in behavior from a partner is usually a signal of infidelity or loss of interest. 

I do believe he's cheating in some way, but it's almost like I don't want to know.  My heart has cracked so much under the pressure he's put on it in the last few months that I don't know if I could emotionally withstand another attack.  One more injury and it will shatter.  Make no mistake, though -- I KNOW something is wrong.  I feel it.  In order to survive, though, I just need to stick my head in the sand and pretend everything is okay.

I had gone on to type more about my plans for my day off tomorrow, but I hit a wrong button and deleted like three paragraphs.  *sigh*  I guess I'll talk about tomorrow tomorrow.

15 Weeks

My friend Shyloh recommended that I watch a movie called, "What the Bleep Do We Know?".  It has to do mostly with quantum physics and the effect our thoughts have on our lives.  It is postulated that we create our own reality, and that much of life is an illusion.  They got into some discussion of subatomic particles and our cells being addicted to certain feelings.  Love as we know it (or think we know it) was even challenged with the suggestion that we do not LOVE anyone, we are merely addicted to certain feelings which this person is able to provide for us.  If that person were to stop "feeding our addiction", so to speak, we would not "love" them anymore.  It was a bit depressing to think of love that way, but the overall feeling I had after watching the movie was positive.

My future has not been predetermined.  My reality depends on my thoughts.  If I listen to what other people say and let their words shape my thoughts, I will be creating the reality that they have predicted for me.  If I look at a person's past and assume that this person will treat me a certain way based on his or her previous actions, I am only making it more likely that he or she will.  With all that in mind, I have been giving this relationship my best effort and attempting to see it in a positive light.  Our future is full of possibilities.  However, I'm not the only one affecting it.  His thoughts and his attitudes shape our destiny as well.  I can't control his mind, so how can I believe that I can single-handedly steer us into safe waters?  What if my positive intentions conflict with contradicting intentions from him?  People establish patterns, and over time, these patterns become hard to break.  If I were to judge his future behavior based on the patterns he has exhibited thus far, the future looks pretty bleak.  But there IS hope, right?  There always has to be.  Miracles happen every day.  It's just difficult to be positive when my trust has been demolished.  I never get a chance to build it back up before he lies to me or betrays me again.  Am I stupid for hanging on so long? 

My feet are KILLING me today  Work wasn't as bad as it has been, though.  I'm FINALLY getting the hang of using that damn iron.  I still hate it, but at least I don't feel helpless and frustrated all day.  Now my only issue is that I don't move as quickly as I'd like to.  I know it'll all come in time, though.  I must admit, I have quit in my mind about 1,000 times.  I'm glad I hung in there, though, because it's not as terrifying as I once believed it to be. 

That's a big problem I have -- when faced with a challenge, my first instince is to bail out and run away.  If I feel like I can't do something, I often quit.  If things get difficult, I give up.  However, I work with his mom and I promised I wouldn't make her look bad.  Not only that, but I'm not sure how long it would take me to find another job and I can't afford to be unemployed right now.

It's almost time for me to start buying maternity clothes.  Ugh -- I do NOT have any extra money in the budget, and I'm not really a big fan of maternity clothes either.  My face feels fat, my thighs feel fat, my butt is getting dimples...eww, eww, EWWWWW.  I'm only 15 weeks along!  I better get my fat ass in gear, otherwise I'm going to get humongous and nasty and I'll never get my body back. 

I spent this past weekend with both of my kids and we had a really great time, for the most part.  N and I had some kind of weird argument which really depressed me and unfortunately I took it out on the kids.  I'm still not really sure exactly what happened, but we got over it eventually.  Tristan wanted to drink coffee, probably because N drinks coffee and he thinks the world of him.  I made him pancakes two mornings in a row because he loves them so much.  Jewel only ever eats cereal for breakfast.  I get nervous when I see how attached both of my children are to N because I'm still uneasy about the future of our relationship.  Once bitten, twice shy.  I have the impulse to give up, but I'm going to hang in there just like I did at work.  I have learned that continuing on when things get uncomfortable is when the most growth is achieved.  Then again, I continued on for three years with Tristan's dad and that just turned out to be a giant waste of my time.  What good does it do for me to want it if he doesn't?  Anyway, I'm dwelling on this.