I'm a ticking time bomb. I'm not really sure what to do, but I'm absolutely certain that SOMETHING needs to change. Of course, I believe that the first person I should look at is myself. What am I doing that may be sabotaging my efforts? How am I contributing to a bad situation? What steps have I taken to put myself on this path of bitterness and disappointment?
I will be the first to admit, I am no saint. Undoubtedly there are many instances I could find where I did not handle a particular situation the correct way, or where I brought pain and suffering upon myself. I am all too willing to take all the blame. The problem is, though, when I take full responsibility for the problems I have now and take action to correct what I am doing wrong, it still doesn't help. This would indicate a factor at play which has not been taken into account. If I were doing everything wrong, and then I corrected those behaviors, one would presume that things would get better. They don't.
Surprise, surprise. I am just too mentally exhausted and emotionally drained to keep dumping my energy into this black hole of misery. Someone else needs to take responsibility for their share of creating this mess, or things will never change. Someone else needs to recognize that they are contributing to the tailspin that is my relationship, or it will crash and burn. I need help. I can't save this on my own.
Enough about THAT. As far as the pregnancy goes, I have entered into the heartburn phase. It doesn't matter what I eat or how many Rolaids I consume afterward, my acid reflux is out of control. It's been constantly burning in my chest and tearing up my esophagus for the past four days. N thinks that this indicates that I will be having a baby with a lot of hair. Surprisingly, I read in a pregnancy magazine that the old wives' tale connecting heartburn and hairy babies has some truth to it. Apparently, the hormone which promotes fetal hair growth (progesterone) is also responsible for relaxing the esophagus more and allowing acid to flow more freely up from the stomach. Interesting, no?
I quit the job at the dry cleaner's. The drive was so far that I was spending $50 a week on gas. I was making $8 an hour and getting about 25 hours a week. To top it all off, I was working HARD. It was basically a sweatshop! I would stand over a steaming machine without taking any breaks for four to five hours at a stretch. My neck would be screaming afterward, my hands would be covered in burns from the iron, and the shirts I attempted to iron would be more wrinkled after my failed efforts than they had been when I got them. I tried to keep a positive attitude and just stick with it, but one day my boss told me I needed to go faster. I had been there a few weeks, she said, and I should know the machine well enough to increase my speed. I explained that what was slowing me down was not putting the shirts in the press, it was the touch-ups. No one had properly explained to me how to actually iron the damn sleeves, and everyone was so busy running around like chickens with their heads cut off that they simply did NOT have a spare five minutes to train me. This resulted in me just "winging it" and trying my best to figure it out on my own.
I have had two job interviews since then and I am desperately hoping to get a call soon about either one. I am also registered with two temp agencies, so I have GOT to catch my break soon. In the meantime, I'm going to be doing "market research" at an outbound call center. Yeah, I'll be one of those annoying people calling you to take a survey. Hey, at least now I'll be getting paid $8 an hour to just sit and call people. The downside of this job, though, is that sometimes there is no work for up to a couple weeks at a time. So it's only a temporary fix.
Well, I suppose that's enough from me today. Au revoir!
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