My friend Shyloh recommended that I watch a movie called, "What the Bleep Do We Know?". It has to do mostly with quantum physics and the effect our thoughts have on our lives. It is postulated that we create our own reality, and that much of life is an illusion. They got into some discussion of subatomic particles and our cells being addicted to certain feelings. Love as we know it (or think we know it) was even challenged with the suggestion that we do not LOVE anyone, we are merely addicted to certain feelings which this person is able to provide for us. If that person were to stop "feeding our addiction", so to speak, we would not "love" them anymore. It was a bit depressing to think of love that way, but the overall feeling I had after watching the movie was positive.
My future has not been predetermined. My reality depends on my thoughts. If I listen to what other people say and let their words shape my thoughts, I will be creating the reality that they have predicted for me. If I look at a person's past and assume that this person will treat me a certain way based on his or her previous actions, I am only making it more likely that he or she will. With all that in mind, I have been giving this relationship my best effort and attempting to see it in a positive light. Our future is full of possibilities. However, I'm not the only one affecting it. His thoughts and his attitudes shape our destiny as well. I can't control his mind, so how can I believe that I can single-handedly steer us into safe waters? What if my positive intentions conflict with contradicting intentions from him? People establish patterns, and over time, these patterns become hard to break. If I were to judge his future behavior based on the patterns he has exhibited thus far, the future looks pretty bleak. But there IS hope, right? There always has to be. Miracles happen every day. It's just difficult to be positive when my trust has been demolished. I never get a chance to build it back up before he lies to me or betrays me again. Am I stupid for hanging on so long?
My feet are KILLING me today Work wasn't as bad as it has been, though. I'm FINALLY getting the hang of using that damn iron. I still hate it, but at least I don't feel helpless and frustrated all day. Now my only issue is that I don't move as quickly as I'd like to. I know it'll all come in time, though. I must admit, I have quit in my mind about 1,000 times. I'm glad I hung in there, though, because it's not as terrifying as I once believed it to be.
That's a big problem I have -- when faced with a challenge, my first instince is to bail out and run away. If I feel like I can't do something, I often quit. If things get difficult, I give up. However, I work with his mom and I promised I wouldn't make her look bad. Not only that, but I'm not sure how long it would take me to find another job and I can't afford to be unemployed right now.
It's almost time for me to start buying maternity clothes. Ugh -- I do NOT have any extra money in the budget, and I'm not really a big fan of maternity clothes either. My face feels fat, my thighs feel fat, my butt is getting dimples...eww, eww, EWWWWW. I'm only 15 weeks along! I better get my fat ass in gear, otherwise I'm going to get humongous and nasty and I'll never get my body back.
I spent this past weekend with both of my kids and we had a really great time, for the most part. N and I had some kind of weird argument which really depressed me and unfortunately I took it out on the kids. I'm still not really sure exactly what happened, but we got over it eventually. Tristan wanted to drink coffee, probably because N drinks coffee and he thinks the world of him. I made him pancakes two mornings in a row because he loves them so much. Jewel only ever eats cereal for breakfast. I get nervous when I see how attached both of my children are to N because I'm still uneasy about the future of our relationship. Once bitten, twice shy. I have the impulse to give up, but I'm going to hang in there just like I did at work. I have learned that continuing on when things get uncomfortable is when the most growth is achieved. Then again, I continued on for three years with Tristan's dad and that just turned out to be a giant waste of my time. What good does it do for me to want it if he doesn't? Anyway, I'm dwelling on this.
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