16 Weeks

Well, I'm 16 weeks along now...and freaking HUGE.  I feel fat.  When you consider that the baby is only about as big as an avocado, there really isn't much explanation for the failure to button my pants anymore.  Besides, when I grab onto this giant belly, it isn't hard and pregnant-feeling.  It isn't full of baby.  It jiggles, like a bowl full of jelly.  Ho, ho, ho indeed.  >:-[

I was thinking about my future, about being saddled with the responsibility of babyhood yet again with a man I'll never trust.  I'm so broke, and I'm never going to get ahead.  I still need to pay off that ticket to get my license unsuspended, then put insurance on my car and renew my plates.  I'm spending 50 a week in gas and 300 a month in rent, which leaves me with exactly zero to do anything else with.  I'm not sure when I'm going to get maternity clothes or start buying baby things, but those aren't exactly purchases which can be postponed indefinitely.  What the fuck am I doing?  What kind of life am I creating for myself?

Enough whining about how much things suck.  Anyway, I suppose things could be much worse.  I have fairly good health, I'm not crippled or paralyzed, I'm of sound mind (sort of), and I'm not starving or sleeping out on the streets.  I have to realize that there are some people who would love to have the life I do, even if I don't appreciate it all the time.  I know I've made some bad decisions and I know my life isn't exactly what I wish it could be, but all any of us can do is focus on the positive.  Believe me, I AM trying.  It's just that I feel like I'm at a dead end sometimes.  After having your heart shattered and your dreams ripped apart so many times, a person has a tendency to become bitter and cynical.  I never wanted that for myself, but I feel like I'm starting to give up on things ever getting better.  One can only stay full of hope for so long before life demonstrates with excruciating clarity that all we are ever destined for is disappointment.  Wow, that sounded cheerful.

I started that post a couple of days ago, and I'm in a somewhat improved state of mind today.  I have been applying for better jobs and I have a really good feeling that I'm going to get one.  I've decided, in regards to my relationship, I've got to either be all in or fold.  If I'm staying with him, I have to give it my best if  I want to have any hope of success.  Yes, we may still fail, but it won't be for lack of me trying.

Things have been a little rough on all fronts lately, but I'm trying my very hardest to hang in there and make the best of things.  For example, I have been going to Mackinac Island every year for almost ten years with my mom, sister, female cousins, aunts, grandma, and her sister.  This year, I was not invited.  Not only that, but my mom paid for my cousin Katie to go and she took her instead.  They didn't even bring me back any fudge.  :(  I do realize I'm presenting a one-sided view of things, because in reality, my mom and I haven't spoken since May.  I've been pretty much kicked out of the family and have not been a part of any kind of family gatherings or anything of the sort.  So, if she HAD invited me, I probably wouldn't have gone anyway.  Who are we kidding?  I know where I'm not wanted.  Whatever.

There was another whole debacle involving my son's birthday party which my brother and his wife threw, but I won't get into that.  I don't want to dwell on negativity.  Suffice it to say, I should never have attended.  It was the most awkward, uncomfortable, humiliating situation ever.  I'm not sure why they even invited me.

Let's see, what's new in pregnancy this week?  Well, I have an insatiable appetite.  I cry for no reason.  The seams of my pants and the cuffs of my socks leave little dents in my skin which take forever to disappear -- I believe this means I am retaining water.  It makes sense, because my ankles are swollen.  This has never happened before.  I also have chloasma this time, which has not happened before either.  It's these little brown splotches on my chest, neck, pelvic area, and back that look kind of like birthmarks.  I read that it goes away sometime after having the baby, which is reassuring.  My bladder is not holding up as well as it did during my first two pregnancies, which just means I have to do more Kegels.  I'm only 4 months along -- if I already have issues with bladder control, that does not bode well for the next 5.

My sister is due in November and of course, she hardly looks pregnant.  Bitch.  She's always been a size 2 and although she claims she's gained 30 pounds, I have no idea where it is.  She's just a skinny girl with a baby belly.  Cute, but I already know I'm not going to be so lucky.  GAHHHHH!  It can be so hard to focus on the positive sometimes!  I feel the baby move all the time, and I'm starting to think it's a girl.  Of course, N wants a boy, but it's not like we get any choice in the matter.  I suppose that's all for now!