Friday.

Well, Tom has left for the day and I’m out in 20 minutes, so how about a quick update?  I’ll just touch on the major topics.

TRISTAN:

He broke a copy machine yesterday and was swearing because he got in trouble for writing on a bathroom wall with some other kids.  He claims he wasn’t writing on the wall, but either way, his outburst is unacceptable.  I really lost my cool with him and said some really damaging things I regret.  I wish I could have kept myself under control.  Irony isn’t exactly the correct term, but when we look at how upset I was that he couldn’t contain his emotions…leading to me making choices I regret because I couldn’t contain MY emotions…well, it all seems sad.  How can he learn emotional regulation when he has no one to model it for him?  To be fair, I have stopped swearing.  Okay well I did break that rule yesterday.  But I don’t ever hit him or break things when I’m angry.  Why does he do that?  I’m not saying I’m any better.  My words are pretty vicious weapons.  I just don’t know what came over me.  I was scared, really.  I don’t know what’s next for him.  I don’t know what else we can do.  I’m just terrified that he will ruin his life and there isn’t anything I can do about it.  Can we say comeuppance???

Anyway, after my super angry outburst, I developed the most excruciating migraine to date.  It hurt so badly, I felt like I was a tortured prisoner trapped in the hell of my splitting skull.  I was angry or irritated about everything, even if it didn’t make sense.  Joth brought me coffee, but I immediately vomited it all back up.  I remembered a “cure” I had read on Facebook and asked him to look it up and make it for me, so he did.  It is just salt and lemon juice.  It sounds disgusting, and trust me – it was – but at that point, I didn’t care about anything in my desperation for relief.  It worked.  I wasn’t even finished drinking the glass when the pain subsided.  I’m usually skeptical about stuff like that, but I can honestly say that remedy is a keeper.

Okay, next topic, WEDDING:

My dress was delivered!  No one was home to sign for it, but it is waiting at the Battle Creek USPS.  I haven’t heard back from the Peru people yet, so I can’t make that deposit, and we’re in the process of figuring out what Joth is going to wear.  This week’s check is going to Tristan’s field trip, Joth’s study guide, the sister sweat, shoes for Tristan, gas, and Spring Fling with the family (and Shyloh) next weekend.  That does leave us with about 300-ish, so we can still buy something for the wedding or do something toward renting the holistic health center, or we can just hang on to it (ha!).

WELLNESS CENTER:

Well, we’re meeting with the guy to tour the place and talk about stuff on Saturday.  I’m so excited!  This is really happening!  Joth is going to order a study guide to prepare for his licensing test, and I am going to really focus on Ayurveda.  I am thinking about trying to see a psychiatrist to get something to help me with my ADD so I can study better.  I do okay in my adult life without medication, because my job doesn’t require much focus (ha, as I sit here blogging…ummmmm), but when it comes to keeping things straight for Tristan, I’m a mess and he’s not performing at the level he could be.  I’m bringing him down and I know it.  I forget to have him do homework, lose his assignments, forget to sign permission slips, lose his planner or whatever…and granted, those things are HIS responsibility.  I can’t even keep track of my own stuff, and it’s giving me a lot of anxiety trying to help him stay organized.  I keep failing, and in the end, he’s the one who suffers.  It isn’t my job, but at age 9 he can’t be expected to be on top of everything.  I’m supposed to be guiding him, and I can’t.  But anyway, if I could focus enough to finish up Ayurveda and do the CBT course, I’d be in a much better position to be an asset to our wellness center.

 POLITICS:

Well duh, I voted for Bernie, and he won Michigan!!!  Hooray!!!

RELATIONSHIP:

Still overall good.  We have had a little tension over the last couple of days, but nothing devastating.  We are still working through some things and I think a big thing for him is feeling appreciated.  Somehow I keep sending the message to him that I don’t see what he does, or value his contributions, or appreciate his help.  I wish he understood that I DO.  He says I devalue what he does and that I don’t recognize that I’m doing it because it’s unconscious.  How do you even respond to a statement like that?  It’s impossible to defend yourself against an accusation where the accuser claims you don’t know you’re doing something but you are.  It sounds like he’s making himself an authority on what I do, what I think, and how I feel and that I can’t trust my OWN assessment of myself but should instead rely on him to inform me of these things.  And what about all the things that I KNOW he doesn’t know he’s doing?  But at the end of the day, what is the point of bringing it up?  All I can do is worry about me.  I wish he would do the same.

Time’s up, I gotta go!