Hi! I'm, uhhhhh, sick today, so I'm not at work. I have been working there since October 7 and haven't missed a day. I have braved the rain, and the ice, and the polar vortex to be at work. I have been there early every day. So, you know what, I shouldn't feel bad about today (but I do) because this morning when I turned on the news, it said "Sheriff department warns people STAY OFF THE ROADS". So, I did. Who would come rescue me if I went into a ditch? Shoot, last night it took me 2 HOURS to get home! It's a half hour drive! This winter is really testing my patience.
So anyway, that's camel pose. That's what I can do now...and THIS is what I hope to be able to do in a month:
I was making my coffee, standing in the kitchen and had this sudden thought that I could totally be, like, a monk. Totally devoted to a spiritual path, right? I got excited, because I realized I no longer feel the need for worldly pleasures like sex, drugs, alcohol...oh, but fuck. Never mind. It occurs to me, as I'm stirring sugar into my coffee, that I AM dependent on caffeine. Not quite monk status yet. ;)
Speaking of sex, though, I really want to point out what an amazing transformation it's been. Part of being bipolar, for some people, is a condition called "hypersexuality". It is one manifestation of a manic episode. When I was first diagnosed, I argued with the psychiatrist. I told him I could not be bipolar, because I don't beat people up or become enraged. That, to me, was a hallmark of bipolar -- rage and violence. He told me, no, you don't beat people up -- you sleep with them. Which I guess makes sense. Bottom line, in a manic episode you are filled with an extremely high amount of ENERGY. It's fire. That fire can be channeled into anger...or passion....lust. Anyway, I was a by-the-book sex addict. I felt that I truly couldn't control it, that I was a slave to my desires.
I remember previous relationships. I would go into them, dreading that inevitable indiscretion. I would promise myself, THIS time, I won't screw up. But I always did. I didn't want to keep hurting people and I felt I couldn't control myself. So, when I got with Dwight (my second husband) I insisted that we have an open relationship. I thought I covered myself that way, but when I did sleep with other guys, he got really angry and that was the end of that marriage. And yes, that's how my first marriage ended as well -- except that one wasn't an open relationship.
I can't really explain how it happened. Is it because I've been dealing with this for so long that I finally figured out how to control it? Has it lessened? Was there some magic cure? I remember when the relationship with Noe was beyond toxic, I kept going back to feed that addiction. I think there were other factors at play there, too, like other addictions and a psychopathic bond. Regardless, though, this problem has kept me in bad situations or PUT me in bad situations more than once. But I haven't been overcome by the same urges in almost a year. What happened? Is it lying dormant? I have not had sex SINCE NOVEMBER. It's almost FEBRUARY! For me, this is monumental. I don't know if I've gone that long without sex since I lost my virginity.
It feels good, though, to be a slave to nothing. Well, nothing but coffee. Nothing controls me but ME. Nothing influences my decisions but my own thoughts. Nothing imprisons me, I am free.
Along that same line of thinking, I was noticing yesterday that I think my trend of catastrophic winters has ended as well. I do believe I'm still bipolar, whatever that even means. I'm the same person I was before. I have the same brain I had before and it works the same way it always has. But, my lows don't dip into the below freezing (to use an analogy that hits really close to home right now!), and my highs don't set me on fire. I think it's the evolution of my own consciousness, my awareness which has allowed me to notice and address the imbalance before it snowballs. (ha. snowball.) I am not even a prisoner of my diagnosis. It does not limit me or define me. I am in control of ME, no matter what my perceived limitations may be.
What a wonderful feeling this is. I feel like my life has only just begun. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment