First I'll talk about my blessings, because it's always better to focus on those than our shortcomings. Overall, it was a great weekend. I took the kids to the pottery place to paint giant coffee mugs and then took them to McDonald's for lunch. (I knowwwwww, but it's a rare treat and I wanted to spoil them). Oh, and Santa was at the mall so the kids got to chat with him for a minute and get pictures. It was really cute, Juju was telling him about this boy who's been giving her trouble and Santa told her he was getting a lump of coal. ;) Anywho, I picked up groceries and then we came home to set up the tree. I played holiday music, made hot cocoa, and enjoyed my family. It was nice.
I did learn something, though. As much as I love to wake up as early as I can on Saturday morning so I can spend as much time as possible with my kids, getting enough sleep is vitally important to maintaining healthy relationships with them. I have looked back at all the times I grew impatient, or was overly critical, or overreacted and I notice that those things have always occurred on those Saturdays after little sleep the night before. The last two times, I figured out how to keep my grouchy side at bay by taking a short nap after picking them up. This time, though, I was so excited to go paint pottery that I skipped it, and I regret it so much.
I know it's important to forgive ourselves and have compassion toward ourselves, and I know my kids have forgiven me, but I can't stop beating myself up over my grouchiness on Saturday. It reminds me of all the times my mom used to tell me I ruined every family outing we had, and it was true. I would vow to be good, only to find myself once again standing amidst a pile of rubble I had created and wishing I could put it all back together. Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but I really felt that I had tamed "The Seether". That's what I call the other side of my personality, that bitchy, angry side. That pit bull that needs to be kept on a leash, or if she gets free, rips anything in her path to shreds.
Okay, so I wasn't THAT bad this weekend. But I know I hurt Jewel's feelings, and she's so sweet and sensitive that I just hate myself for it. She was painting her coffee mug and it looked nice -- green on the outside, red on the inside. They are gifts, and I know my family will love them no matter what they look like because the kids made them. I knew it didn't matter. I knew no one would be judging them. But when Jewel started to slather red paint all over the top of the green paint on the outside, I asked her why she did that with a disapproving look on my face.
A father of a young boy looked over at me, and I felt conspicuous. I knew I needed to shut up, but I just couldn't. I didn't have the strength in me to make it better -- every time I opened my mouth, I compounded the problem. I told her, "No, it's your mug. Do what you want. I just don't understand why you'd do that." She started to look upset, so I tried again. "It's not a big deal. It just looked so nice already." Then she was crying. All I could do was just shut up and try to gather myself again. What the HELL? What would make me be such a jerk to someone I love so dearly? Why couldn't I release my need to be in control? Why was I personally attaching myself to her project instead of giving her the freedom to express herself in whatever way she chose, giving her the approval and security in knowing that I love and accept her no matter what?
I give this advice to people all the time, and I have prided myself on being a gentle and compassionate mother since healing a great deal of my own inner pain and embarking on this journey of emotional restoration. I know I'm good enough, and I want my kids to feel that way too. I apologized at least ten times, but my apologies could not heal the wound inside from feeling as if I had failed my daughter. I admonished myself for my lack of control. I still do. I know that all I can do is take the lesson from this and move forward, but I need to figure out how to heal that part of me which has such a need to lash out.
I was doing some soul-searching, as it seems like the pendulum has been swinging back the other way after so much progress in self-improvement, manifestation of my dreams, happiness, and fulfillment. Remember when I was saying it felt like everything was going wrong now, and I don't know why? Well, oddly enough, it seems like the catalyst was the sweat. It doesn't make sense, does it? During the ceremony, I symbolically released negativity, fear, and lack of self-confidence. I empowered my mother aspect and my determination to keep moving forward. So why is it that it seems the opposite of my desires has manifested?
I can only guess that these are the trials I must endure in order to strengthen the qualities I want to empower. I can't just say, "I release negativity". I need to be exposed to situations which create negativity and, in the moment, find ways previously undiscovered to rise above or transmute it. I need to have the opportunity to devise new approaches to battling the things I have yet to overcome. So, I'll thank life for being a teacher and be grateful for the experiences which allow me to learn and grow. I'll never give up. I'm writing my story, page by page. The choices I make today are the future I consciously create, so I'll keep on keepin' on. :)
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