wooo hooo witchy woman, see how high she flies woo hoo witchy woman she got the moon in her eye...

I was taking soooooooooo long trying to figure out what to title this.  It's 2:30 in the morning, I want to talk about a lot, and I can't think of lyrics right off the bat that fit.  So, I'll do that later.  For now...let me talk about this weekend!

So, I met this guy.  We went to Barnes & Noble and sat in the coffee shop, just talking for HOURS.  I can't remember the last time I had one of those endless, deep, philosophical conversations with.  I felt my mind expanding, it felt like home.  It was amazing to meet someone who thinks about the same things I do.  I had a chai, he had a cappuccino.  I was supposed to go up to the club with Jason and Lisa, but we got back to his place and got to talking and I didn't leave until after 11.  

I made sure to conduct myself like a proper lady, because I know what I've done in the past doesn't work.  I wanted a different result, so I tried to take a different approach.  It's hard when, for 15 years, you have a certain way of interacting with the opposite (or same) sex on a date.  It becomes a ritual or pattern of behaviors, which I found difficult to break.  The first date with someone is always sexually charged.  There is flirtation, innuendo, touching, laughing, etc which goes almost like a script every time with little variance.  And it always ends the same -- naked.  I found myself at a loss for what to do.  I knew what NOT to do or say, but I couldn't figure out what I should replace it with.  I felt like I was in unfamiliar territory because I didn't follow the usual routine, but I felt very proud of myself for keeping things nonsexual.  

I got home and we talked on the phone for a while.  I made plans to see him today.  I almost didn't go, something felt different.  In the end, though, he seemed like he really wanted me to come.  Since it felt like he truly desired my company, I felt safe and I went.  We talked more, but there was a different energy.  I have never felt an energy like his and I can't explain it.  I don't know if it's good or if it's bad.  I don't feel any fear or warnings, my gut isn't distressed, but I also don't feel that infatuated high.  I did try very hard to keep myself rational because I don't want to lose my head.  I like him a lot, I love our conversations.  He's very attractive and intelligent.  I just don't know what I felt.  Like I said, it wasn't good or bad.  He touched my hand and I didn't feel like a horny tingle (sorry, TMI) but I did feel a warmth spreading through my chest.  I felt chemistry, but not in the way I'm used to feeling it.  It confused me.  I'm still confused.  I think he's guarding himself, I don't know.

Anyway, I held it all in and kept myself contained.  He kissed me when I left to go to sister circle, and I liked it.  It felt good, it felt right, but again...didn't strike that impulse to tear his clothes off and satisfy our carnal desires together.  It wasn't like that.  I don't know WHAT it was.  He asked me what it felt like, and I couldn't describe it.  

Anyway, then I went to the sister circle.  It was so nice to be among these beautiful women again.  It's been so long, but it didn't feel like any time had passed at all.  We drank tea, smudged each other, had a discussion about the sacred uses of marijuana, and branched off into other random but meaningful conversations.  I always feel like I bond with  my sisters in such a deep and heartfelt way when we gather.  I am so thankful for them.  I am so happy to have them in my life.  I feel renewed, elevated, spiritually nourished.  We are doing a women's sweat lodge retreat on November 30 and I can't wait, I already know it will be life-changing.  

After the circle, I went back to his house.  I may choose to share his name at a later date, but I don't really know where things are heading at this point in time.  I don't have any expectations, I'm trying very hard to just take each day as it comes and for what it's worth.  I got back there and we were talking, then I took my glasses off to do something.  At that moment, he completely took me by surprise and started kissing me.  I was stimulated, and responsive, but it wasn't like I was overrun by hormones.  I guess the best way to describe his energy and the way I felt when we were touching is calm and peaceful.  It was a warm feeling, but not a manic primal HOT feeling.  Again, I don't know what it means.  It wasn't that I wasn't into it, I was.  I was totally focused on what was happening and -- I THINK I JUST GOT IT NOW -- I was present.  

That was totally it, too.  I just put my finger on it.  Instead of looking forward to an expected end result, and working myself up in anticipation of what I thought was to come, I just stayed in each moment.  I enjoyed the kisses on their own, and took them for what they were, rather than fantasizing about the sex I imagined would come next.  When we were touching, my mind was with the touching, not wondering about the things that hadn't happened yet.  Wow, mindfulness really DOES make sex different.  It sets a more relaxed pace where you enjoy every step of the process for what it is, not as a means to an end.

So yeah, of course, we did sleep together.  I have had sex a few times since Noe and I ended, but this is the first time I can say I was actually satisfied.  I mean, it wasn't just physical, I don't mean that.  I mean that I felt good AFTER it was over, not just during.  I didn't just tolerate it, I enjoyed it.  THAT is what I wanted.

I don't know what's going to happen next.  I don't care, things are going to unfold the way that they are meant to.  If I'm not meant to ever see him again, okay.  If we are destined for friendship, okay.  I am not attached to any particular outcome.  I just know that this weekend was definitely a success in my book.  :)

L-O-V-E's just another word I never learned to pronounce...

Well, folks.  THAT had to be the shortest trip from idealization to disillusionment in my personal history.  It's sad, but no matter how promising the circumstances, it doesn't take much for me to lose interest.  And so here we are, less than a week after I started talking to this guy, and I'm over it.

Should I tell you why?  Tiny little things that don't seem to matter, but they do.  I called him yesterday at 9:00 on my lunch break as previously discussed.  I waited in my car like a schmuck for him to call back and he never did.  At about 1:30 I got a text from him saying he had fallen asleep and he was so disappointed he had missed my call.  One side of me was thinking, "Yeah, I BET...I've never heard THAT one before" but the other side of me gave him the benefit of the doubt, because it can certainly happen to anyone.  Okay, no big deal.

Today I went for my walk with my co-workers and finished around 9:30, at which time I called him.  I also texted him.  Conveniently at 10 something, after my lunch was OVER, I got a text saying it was really loud in the bar and he hadn't heard his phone ring.  Anyone who knows me can attest that I don't call people, and this is precisely the reason why.  When I try to, and you don't answer, I feel rejected.  I'm not going to put myself out there just to be denied.  Therefore, I wait for people to call ME, because then I don't have any reason to wonder if they really want to talk to me or not.  I replied, "That's cool."  He replied that he would be up later and I could call him when I got out.  Nope.  I told him if HE wanted to call ME after 2, go ahead.  I'm not calling you again -- that ship has sailed.

I know it sounds petty, but it is what it is.  I'm not setting myself up for disappointment.  I have learned that when a guy is really into you, he will find reasons to talk to you, not excuses not to.  Men go hard for things they really want.  Not only THAT, but...

I was kinda stalking his Facebook last night.  Okay, there was no "kinda" about it.  He had told me his name, I plugged it in, and there he was in all his (admittedly gorgeous) glory.  I mean, WOAH.  Amazing eyes.  Tattoos everywhere.  Great body.  I just stared for a minute...but then, after I had gathered my wits about me, noticed one important detail.

"In a relationship with (girl's name)"  Yeahhhhhhh THAT sounds familiar.

If he still plans on meeting tomorrow, I'll go.  Only because I made a commitment and I do feel like I should at least meet him in person and bring this up before I make my final decision.  Maybe we'll have amazing chemistry or everything will change upon meeting.  Or maybe not, who knows?  But he deserves a chance.  However, my hopes of finding romance this time around have pretty much vanished.  Oh well.

I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now...

This is getting kind of silly, but the trend of Taylor Swift songs corresponding to my love life lives on.  Her latest radio hit, Everything Has Changed, completely describes how I feel about the guy I'm talking to right now.  Like, I just want to know everything about him.  I want to know all his thoughts, all his passions, all of his feelings and opinions.  He fascinates me.  I love his mind and I want to explore every corner of it.

"Come back and tell me why

I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time

And meet me there tonight

And let me know that it's not all in my mind

I just want to know you better know you better know you better now

I just want to know you know you know you"

And, while I AM notorious for instant infatuation, this feels different.  I'm confident that I know what I'm talking about because I didn't say that last time, did I?  With Raul, a part of me already knew  that once the infatuation wore off, there would be nothing there.  In this case I'm really excited (scared) that our connection has the potential to go much deeper.  I'm not saying I'm in love, because love takes time.  I'm saying that if I ever were to FALL in love, I could picture it being with someone like him.  One step at a time, though.

I realized today at work, as I was mulling over life and relationships and emotional connections, that I feel more comfortable dating people I am better off without.  Why is  that?  Fear of rejection/abandonment.  If you add nothing to my life, I won't be hurt if (when) you reject me.  If I really LIKE you, though...then I've got something to lose.  I don't really WANT to have something to lose.  I want to be untouchable.  But if I don't expose myself to the possibility of the depths of despair, how can I ever expect to be able to reach the heights of fulfillment?  Ahhhhh, life is so complicated sometimes.

Anyway, in other news....I went to Tristan's Halloween party at his school today.  That was really nice, I'm glad I was able to be there.  He was super excited to see me, also.  As far as mood...well, it's really strange.  I think the fact that it is Samhain has a lot to do with my feelings of weirdness.  I didn't really want to talk to anyone today.  It's not that I was in a BAD mood...I just, didn't feel completely in the world, I guess.  I took a short nap, as I always do, and a very strange sensation came over me.  

I fell quickly into a deep sleep, and my body felt electrically charged, and I was simultaneously aware of the external world at the same time I was "under".  Then, I completely transitioned to some deeper level, like I do in the "coma-sleep" that I get every now and then.  Dead to the world, left my body type of thing.  Couldn't wake me up with an atomic bomb.  Then, I returned to the buzzed, light, floaty asleep but aware feeling, and then I woke up.  It reminded me of that night last year when I woke up in  the middle of the night, alarmed that my spine felt electrified and my body was vibrating.  This wasn't quite as intense, instead of a vibration it was more a light tingly buzzing throughout my whole body, but it definitely felt..."other-worldly".  

I took advantage of the excellent opportunity to do a tarot reading as well today, being that the veil between worlds is at its thinnest.  Of course, the subject was this guy.  I did three cards: what will he be to me, what will I be to him, and what will we be together.  In that order, they were the 3 of Cups, King of Staves, and Strength.  I was disappointed that I didn't feel that direct Universal link and instant clarity as I sometimes do, I didn't have an immediate intuitive understanding of the spread.  This is going to be one of those readings that I'll look back on in the future and say, "Aha!  That totally makes sense now..."

Emotionally today I felt very high-anxiety.  I didn't need as much coffee to keep me up through my shift, but instead of a pleasant confident/gregarious manic energy, I felt more of a nervous jumpy/anxious energy instead.  I felt uneasy and on the verge of a panic attack.  My heart was also doing that funny thing where it beats irregularly and I felt like maybe I had too much adrenaline running through me.  I was planning on drinking wine tonight, but it's already 3:00 AM and I'm planning on going to bed after I finish this.  

Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday!!!!  (Well, technically today is, but...you know)  :) 

And I'm not scared, of your stolen power...I see right through you any hour...

Some amazing things are happening in my life.  All I had to do was let go of my expectations and stay in the present moment, aligned with the flow of the universe.  I feel like I have been planting seeds and they are starting to sprout, wonderfully amazing blessings cropping up everywhere.  I am so grateful and happy, and in awe of the existence I am part of.  Just, WOW.

A couple of things have been in the works over the past few days that culminated today.  For starters, I saw Sue today at Heart's Journey.  I explained to her how I have been trying everything I can with meditation, mantras, yoga, positive thinking, affirmations, binaural beats, subliminal messages, self-hypnosis, and mindfulness to overcome my bipolar naturally.  I told her about this article I read that stated that Eastern cultures have less people diagnosed with bipolar and their conclusion that it is 1) all in your head and 2) can be overcome through spiritual discipline.

She surprised me by saying that she thinks I do need some medication.  She told me that it is very rare (an anomaly, she said) for her to ever recommend medication.  But she said unfortunately in my case my issues are organic and I have no control over them.  

She said that people in Eastern cultures have a less stressful lifestyle than people here do, so while those things may be sufficient for most of them, I have other factors to take into account -- my schedule is not in line with my body's natural rhythms for sleeping, I am exposed to a work schedule and technology all day, traffic, and financial stressors.  She said maybe if I was working in a rice field all day I could just burn off my extra energy that way and it would work out, but that's not my life.  

Also she said that most of the things I'm doing are REACTIVE, and that I should consider doing more things that are PROACTIVE -- like setting my sankalpa (daily intention), telling myself at the beginning of the day that I am calm.  She said I need to change my story, and that I AM a peaceful centered person, I am just not accessing it.  At the end of the session she taught me the Anamika mudra for self-healing and guided me through a really powerful meditation.  I seriously felt like a different person when I was finished -- I'm telling you, that woman is amazing.  I can't wait to see her again next week.  

So there was that.  Secondly, I have missed the last bunch of sister circle meetings because the new moon and full moon have fallen on days that I was working or had the kids.  The new moon is on Sunday and she posted an invite, which I'm super excited about because I don't work on Sunday!  Also she posted information for us ladies taking a day to do a sweat lodge on a Saturday or Monday, and the Saturday is a day I don't have the kids.  So if it gets scheduled for that day, I feel like it would be very beneficial for me to go.  I am really looking forward to stepping up my spiritual health.

I notice that in life, certain things ebb and flow, like waves.  I go through periods of intense spiritual focus and progress (like now), which are followed by reflective resting periods during which I focus on more mundane matters, like work and my home.  Then I enter a new phase of spirituality and eventually flow back into the practical.  It is, like everything in nature, all about balance.  I am really learning to cherish and appreciate every moment.

The final thing, which may very well be the most stunning thing, is that out of nowhere I started talking to this guy who is unlike anyone I have ever encountered in my life.  I really didn't ever plan on dating men ever again, and I was reluctant to engage in any kind of conversation with him at first.  But his user name was Third Eye Mindset, which really spoke to me.  Eventually my curiosity got the better of me and I've been talking to him for a few days.  Everything he says feels like a script he has pulled right out of my brain.  He has talked about chakra balancing, vibrational frequencies, activating the pineal gland, food as medicine (which is something I was just saying I wanted to learn about to incorporate into my holistic approach to my psychological health), the law of attraction, intuition -- everything.  It's FREAKY.  He even says the same things that I have thought about Jesus, Buddha, and Mohammed being "ascended masters", the all paths lead to god thing, what you see in the world is a reflection of what's inside you, and basically echoed my sentiment that my relationship with the divine transcends religion.

If I were to list all the things we have in common, I would be typing for hours.  I know that I often get caught up in the infatuation of a romantic attachment and my idealistic nature causes me to get wrapped up in fantasy and expectation, which ultimately lead to reality and disappointment.  I'm trying not to do that here.  Expectation is the root of all suffering.  I'm not going to write the story into the future and plan what his role is going to be in my life because I don't know yet what it will be.  I will just trust that I am divinely guided and take each day as it comes.  I will tell you, though, the present moment is ripe with wonderful possibilities.  I can't wait to find out what's in store for me.  :)

We create our own, our own reality, Everything in the world, is a reflection of the Me...

MAN, I almost forgot how much I freaking LOVE Kellee Maize!!!  Lyrically she is amazing.  I have never heard another performer speak right to my soul the way she does, because she speaks of things that align with my personal perspective.  That's a rare treat, and her music makes me so very happy.

On a less happy note, our training got extended by six weeks.  At first, that doesn't seem like a big deal.  We'll be on the 5pm-2am Monday-Friday schedule longer.  Tonight we realized, though, that that would take us through the holidays.  This means that, although we have Christmas Day off, we have to work until 2am on Christmas Eve.  And although we have New Year's DAY off....you guessed it.  We're ringing in the new year together.  I'm a little bummed, but it is what it is.  By next year, I'll have two weeks of paid vacation and four floating holidays.  I  guess I can suck it up this year for the greater good.  Besides, Winter Solstice falls on a Saturday, so I can at least celebrate Yule with the kids.  Christmas is more about family, i.e. Mom, Dad, Blair, Heather, Grandma, Grandpa, etc.  Everything will be okay.

So,  tonight I am really classing it up.  I am the epitome of sophistication, drinking wine out of a washed spaghetti jar.  All of the other cups are in the dishwasher right now, and honestly I don't really care.  I don't need to impress myself -- I already know I'm awesome.  ;)

I'm thinking about deleting yesterday's entry, or at least significantly modifying it.  As a matter of fact, I'm definitely going to edit it.  What if I die and my family finds this blog?  For the most part, I live unapologetically.  Hmmm, it looks like that isn't actually a word.  Oh well, it is now!  ANYway, it's not that I'm ashamed, it's more that I think my sexuality isn't really an area that others really need detailed information about.  I'm not a terribly private person, but I don't really need to put it all out there like that.

As much as I like to consider myself a free-spirited go-with-the-flow unbridled gypsy without borders, it turns out that I am actually quite a creature of habit.  I wake up around noon, watch TV for about an hour, then I do yoga for a half hour, put on music and hoop dance for a half hour, take a shower, get dressed for work, pack my lunch, take a quick nap, and leave.  Then when I get out of work, I come home, have some wine, blog, and go to sleep.  

But, see, this is precisely the point I was trying to make about being single.  When I was dating Holly (if you can really even call it that), I wasted so much time on the phone with her.  I had obligations to text her back and chat with her on Facebook.  My time was not really my own anymore and I kind of resented that, I felt that being in a relationship was cramping my style.  I have a limited amount of free time and I like to spend it doing whatever I want.  Does that make me sound selfish?  Oh well!  I don't care if it does, because for...ohhhhh, 16 years my entire life has always revolved around someone else.  I have been an extension of some guy, or some girl, molding myself to better fit into their lifestyle, compromising myself, losing touch of my individuality.  No more!  

I have counseling tomorrow, but it's not in Kalamazoo.  I was going to the same office that Tristan's counselor is in, but I realized that Allendale is not very far from my work.  Besides that, I really clicked with Sue (in Allendale, at the Heart's Journey Yoga and Wellness Center).  She was right up my alley with all the yoga and mindfulness, a more Eastern/holistic approach.  I have never had another counselor like her in my life and I really feel like she's the one from whom I will benefit the most.  I'm very excited to see her again.

Well, I need to go edit some stuff.  Peace out!

I've got chillllllls, they're multiplyin'...and I'm looooooosin' control....

Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my HOLY FREAKING SHIT!!!  So, I was driving home about a half hour ago.  I was in the right lane, almost home.  The car in front of me was going reallllllllly slow, so I decided to pass.  As I passed the car, I thought to myself, "Something feels weird about that car."  My, uhhhh, 'other self' replied, "Oh my gosh, you are SO WEIRD.  You have to try to find some mystical deeper meaning in every single stupid little thing that ha--"

BAM.  I ran over a big, huge, whole entire dead deer.  My car bounced up in the air and came down so hard my head STILL hurts.  Luckily I am okay and my car is okay, but I was thinking...damn, what if that deer had been ALIVE?  Or, what if I hadn't decided to pass that car?  Is this some kind of a wake-up call from  the Universe?  If it is, I don't know what it means.  But check this out.  Something else weird happened today.

So, I'm on this dating site.  It's the same one I met Holly on.  I don't fit in anyone's boxes regarding sexuality and I don't really feel like I need a label -- and besides, whatever I call myself, someone is going to disagree.  Lesbians do not believe bisexuality exists.  I will say that, at least in my case, it is legitimate.  True, I do not find men as attractive physically, but I see people differently once I have fallen in love with who they are.  Anyway, I do like men and women.  I want different things in a relationship with a man than I do with a woman, and of course it has to be the RIGHT man or the RIGHT woman, but I can't in all honesty say that I am a lesbian.  I can't say either that I'm straight.  It IS easier for me to trust women, and I feel like I can get closer and on a more deep and intimate level with a woman, but I have more animalistic passion with a man.

Anyway, so when I am drawn to a man, it is usually for the wrong reasons.  It is because he strikes me as alpha-male, dominant, and I feel helpless and vulnerable by comparison.  There is a certain thrill to that.

Obviously, giving in to this temptation leads me into relationships with losers.  How can it not?  Guys like this are bad news.  They are bad.  They will bring nothing good to your life, and a little excitement is definitely not worth turning your entire life upside down.  

Sometimes I backslide.  I started talking to this guy on the dating site who came at me in just the right way.  If a guy has the guts to just say it like it is...damn, I melt.  It's a problem, I know.  So anyway I was totally planning on hooking up with this guy.  He wasn't all that cute, but I was so turned on by the things he was saying.....and I'm not going to let this get X-rated so we'll just leave it at that.  I went to send him a message at work, I totally planned on asking if he was going to be awake after 2 am because I wanted to get laid TONIGHT.  

To my surprise, when I went to log into my account, it had somehow been deleted.  I have no idea what happened.  Did my douchebag ex hack into it?  I WAS dumb enough to use the same password I use for everything, and he knows what it is.  I guess I just thought he moved on, like I have, and realized there's no use in fucking with me anymore.  I really doubt it was him, though.  But I can't understand what happened.  I hadn't broken any rules or anything of the sort.  In any case, though, I took it as a sign.   Thank you, Universe, for protecting me from myself.  Whatever I may have gotten myself into tonight, I doubt it would have resulted in anything good.  I have to keep my head in the game.  I have to resist temptation and keep on a good path.  I can NOT mess this up again.

Well, I'm hungry and I'm going to eat a cookie.  Good night!

Gonna give my heart away, leave it to the other girls to play, 'cause I have been a temptress, too long...

Nah not really.  I'm definitely not giving my heart away anytime soon...I just like that song.  SO.  Today has been a little strange.  I got home last night and was unusually exhausted.  I didn't want any wine, I didn't want to blog, I didn't want  to watch TV.  I felt a bit out of sorts.  Then this morning I woke up feeling sad.  I actually cried a few times and I really had no idea why.  I felt this sadness I couldn't quite place, but it wasn't really a SAD sadness, if that makes any sense.  It was an intensity of emotion, both sorrow and joy mixed together, neither but both.  Like, a joyful sorrow.  Or a sorrowful joy.  It's  the feeling you get when you remember happy memories you had with someone who is not and can not be in your life, not a feeling like you wish things were different, but honoring the happy moments they gave you.  Or the feeling you get when you think of someone you love very much and miss them terribly, yet you know that they are happy and their place is not with you so it's not that you have any desire to change that situation.  

Nothing in particular triggered this emotion, it seemed to just come out of the blue.  I think, though, subconsciously I may have been thinking of Sienna.  I saw a video of her smiling and clapping and her 8 month pictures that her parents posted to Facebook 2 days ago.  I guess maybe some part of me has been ruminating on that.  It hurts, but not in a way that indicates something is wrong or things should be different.  It just hurts because I love her so much and I miss her.  But it fills me with joy and happiness at the same time because she is blossoming like the beautiful precious flower that she is and she has everything she deserves, the opportunity to experience the happiest most uncomplicated life that I could never have given her.  She has everything I wanted her to have, and I'm not talking about material things.  I just love to see her face light up like it does, and know that she will not have to grow up with the worry, confusion, or damage that she could not have escaped had N been in her life.  

I have learned to pay close attention to the signals my intuition and emotions give me to guide me through the choices I make in life.  This feeling of peaceful contentment only comes when I have done something right.  I have no doubts about that.  

I would never say adoption is easy, because it's not.  It's a sacrifice.  It really bothers me when mothers say, "Oh, you're so strong for being able to do that.  I could never do that."  Because when they say that, they are imagining the children they have, and imagining the thought of just handing them over for no reason.  They are not, as we'd say at work, "comparing apples to apples".  

You think that you love your children so much you couldn't part with them.  But if you were in a situation where it would be the only way to give them a real shot at a normal life, I know you'd take the pain on their behalf.  BECAUSE you love them so much.  You haven't pictured yourself as a scared pregnant woman in an abusive relationship with a married man who shamelessly parades his girlfriends in front of his wife and daughters without ever considering the damage he's doing.  You haven't agonized over whether he'd lose his temper and hurt the baby if ever left alone with her.  You haven't had to consider that he'd be in and out of the child's life like he is with the children he already has, leaving her to wonder why Daddy doesn't love her.  You haven't wondered about the impact it would have on this child to bond with a man who could very well at any given second get caught selling drugs and go to jail.  Last but not least, you have not had to be the one to ask yourself if you would be happy if this little girl grew up to date a man like that.  I think people would be surprised by the things they COULD do.

Anyway, I got off topic.  So I was in a strange kind of blue-tinged mood.  Then, I got to work.  Today we had another graded mock call and a written assessment.  I got 98% on the first two assessments, so although I was nervous about the mock call because I totally bombed the last one, I thought at least I'd have a good score on the assessment to balance it out.  4 wrong questions later, I started to freak out.  I almost cried as soon as I realized I wasn't getting a 98% again.  I decided it was over for me, I was just going to quit.  I decided instead to just give it my all and let the chips fall where they may.

To my great delight, although I had only scored an 85%, our trainer informed us that no one had scored higher than 85%.  To top it all off, when I did my mock call, I NAILED it.  I got marked down for not offering a higher package, but no big deal!  Last week I didn't know the system, I couldn't find any of the information I needed, I was lost and confused and felt like I was in way over my head.  This week, I was confident and competent.  All the things I struggled with last week came with the greatest of ease.  So, although I didn't score a perfect score, it was a win in my eyes.  

I'm going to sleep now, not because I'm tired, but because I get to pick up the kids in the morning!!!  YAYYYY!