Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my HOLY FREAKING SHIT!!! So, I was driving home about a half hour ago. I was in the right lane, almost home. The car in front of me was going reallllllllly slow, so I decided to pass. As I passed the car, I thought to myself, "Something feels weird about that car." My, uhhhh, 'other self' replied, "Oh my gosh, you are SO WEIRD. You have to try to find some mystical deeper meaning in every single stupid little thing that ha--"
BAM. I ran over a big, huge, whole entire dead deer. My car bounced up in the air and came down so hard my head STILL hurts. Luckily I am okay and my car is okay, but I was thinking...damn, what if that deer had been ALIVE? Or, what if I hadn't decided to pass that car? Is this some kind of a wake-up call from the Universe? If it is, I don't know what it means. But check this out. Something else weird happened today.
So, I'm on this dating site. It's the same one I met Holly on. I don't fit in anyone's boxes regarding sexuality and I don't really feel like I need a label -- and besides, whatever I call myself, someone is going to disagree. Lesbians do not believe bisexuality exists. I will say that, at least in my case, it is legitimate. True, I do not find men as attractive physically, but I see people differently once I have fallen in love with who they are. Anyway, I do like men and women. I want different things in a relationship with a man than I do with a woman, and of course it has to be the RIGHT man or the RIGHT woman, but I can't in all honesty say that I am a lesbian. I can't say either that I'm straight. It IS easier for me to trust women, and I feel like I can get closer and on a more deep and intimate level with a woman, but I have more animalistic passion with a man.
Anyway, so when I am drawn to a man, it is usually for the wrong reasons. It is because he strikes me as alpha-male, dominant, and I feel helpless and vulnerable by comparison. There is a certain thrill to that.
Obviously, giving in to this temptation leads me into relationships with losers. How can it not? Guys like this are bad news. They are bad. They will bring nothing good to your life, and a little excitement is definitely not worth turning your entire life upside down.
Sometimes I backslide. I started talking to this guy on the dating site who came at me in just the right way. If a guy has the guts to just say it like it is...damn, I melt. It's a problem, I know. So anyway I was totally planning on hooking up with this guy. He wasn't all that cute, but I was so turned on by the things he was saying.....and I'm not going to let this get X-rated so we'll just leave it at that. I went to send him a message at work, I totally planned on asking if he was going to be awake after 2 am because I wanted to get laid TONIGHT.
To my surprise, when I went to log into my account, it had somehow been deleted. I have no idea what happened. Did my douchebag ex hack into it? I WAS dumb enough to use the same password I use for everything, and he knows what it is. I guess I just thought he moved on, like I have, and realized there's no use in fucking with me anymore. I really doubt it was him, though. But I can't understand what happened. I hadn't broken any rules or anything of the sort. In any case, though, I took it as a sign. Thank you, Universe, for protecting me from myself. Whatever I may have gotten myself into tonight, I doubt it would have resulted in anything good. I have to keep my head in the game. I have to resist temptation and keep on a good path. I can NOT mess this up again.
Well, I'm hungry and I'm going to eat a cookie. Good night!
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