First of all, Raul and I didn't work out. I am through with protecting the privacy of the (not so) innocent, first names seem okay to use rather than mysterious letters. I was correct in my idea that it was just infatuation. The thing that happens with me, though, is that I get SO infatuated. I get swept out to sea. In fact, I wrote a haiku about it:
Fighting the current
Is so much more exhausting
Sweep me out to sea
Sure, it's probably not that good. I don't write haikus very often but in this case, it perfectly captured how I feel. Annnnnnywayyyyyyy, he lives at least 3 hours away, doesn't have a license, doesn't have a car, and is an alcoholic. I loved him anyway, in the only way that I can "love" someone I just met and barely know except on a superficial and idealistic level. I love me, though, and I knew in my heart it wasn't the right path for me to take. I would have ended up being an enabler, and besides I couldn't have stood by and watched him kill himself had I become any more emotionally invested. I wish him the best and hope life brings him joy, but we were only meant to share a short part of our journey with each other.
Anyway, once I got over the familiar pang of loneliness, I actually began to love being single! He took up so much of my time, time I could have been spent doing yoga, meditating, reading. I sometimes wonder if I'm cut of the same cloth as the likes of Emily Dickinson, Emerson, Thoreau. I could see myself being a recluse like Emily. Living alone for two years on an isolated pond with nothing to do but meditate and write. It's not that I don't love people, but I don't know how to assimilate them into my life without sacrificing parts of myself. I feel like in order to be authentic and whole, I have to be alone. It's a pretty strange statement coming from the girl who used to feel as if she didn't exist unless someone could see her. I used to feel like I wasn't real if I was alone because there was nobody there to validate my existence. Kind of like the tree falling in the forest if there's no one there to hear.
So anyway, I got my money saved and called the apartments I had spoken to earlier in the summer out in Wayland. I moved out here around the end of July and kept saving my money to get things for the kids, clothes, soap, toothbrushes, etc. I got to spend more time with them, Tuesdays and Thursdays after work in addition to every other weekend. Then at the end of September, we were informed by the temp agency that our assignment at Farmers was ending. I had applied for permanent positions and interviewed for two on the phone, but was denied repeatedly. I applied for Charter, passed the assessments, went to my interview, and got the job.
This is my second week at Charter, I'm still in training for another 5 weeks. I will be a retention representative, which means that my job is to prevent people from cancelling. The benefits are great, so I am excited that I will finally be able to get my teeth fixed and get new contacts. I have been wearing one contact for the past year, alternating eyes. They are only good for 30 days, so that should tell you something about how easy it is for me to see. In the meantime though, I did order some glasses which are covered by Medicaid. They are going to be super thick but I need to be able to see.
Sienna is doing great, she is so beautiful. I talked to her parents about setting up annual visits, and to my relief they were receptive to the idea. I'm a little nervous about how I'm going to handle it, but I think I'll be okay. The most important thing is that she's happy, safe, and healthy. She does still look more like her biological father -- in fact, her head measured in the 99th percentile (which is HUGE) and that's definitely from him. Although I just say it's because she's got such a big brain because she's so smart. In his case, his was full of rocks. ;)
Since I work for Charter, I get free cable, internet, and phone. It's SO awesome. The guy just came and hooked it up earlier today. My shift is 5pm to 2am, which pretty much blows but I'm working as hard as I can to make sure I can get a good shift when training ends. For now, though, there are advantages to the later shift. I like having all day to do things, although I do tend to sleep in until around noon. I am going on a field trip with Tristan's class tomorrow though so I will have to be up early.
Oh! I almost forgot to refer back to the title. That's going to take another whole entry, so I guess we'll postpone that for tomorrow.
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