Holy SHIT he IS a fucking narcissist! So, I was looking up “taking accountability”. Because that is our #1 problem, and if only
he could do that, we could heal. But
every time he is confronted with a mistake he has made, he either storms away, blames
me, claims he was reacting to something I did in the past, says “well you
did/do it too”, or ignores me. I can not
function in a relationship where he can bring up, over and over ad nauseum for
hours at a time, the mistakes I have made that have hurt him. Never letting them go. Never shutting the fuck up. Getting mad if after an hour of his demeaning
diatribe I beg for relief and end the conversation, saying that I am “silencing
him” because I can’t listen to him drone on and on and on about what a saintly
hero he’s been and what an abusive lunatic I have been. For the record, I’m not fucking stupid. I know who I am, and he is
neeeeeeeeeeeeeeever going to convince me of his distorted rewritten version of
the history of our relationship. At no
point have I been as awful as he claims, and at no point has he been as
wonderful as he loves to tell himself he was.
All the times that I DID flip out were precipitated by what I now
believe to be very carefully calculated provocations intended to get under my
skin. I used to get triggered by those
and I used to react. After a while, I
got smart to what was happening and realized that I am responsible for
controlling myself, and even if he is provoking me, I am capable of choosing
not to react. So that’s when he stopped
having ammunition to say I was such a crazy horrible person, because I didn’t
allow myself to get baited into these toxic arguments anymore. So instead of moving into a healthy place,
from there HE began acting awful to ME – randomly yelling at me, accusing me of
having thoughts/feelings I didn’t have, withdrawing sexually and emotionally –
justifying it and blaming it all on “the way I used to be”. In reality, I never was. I’m not going to blame him because even
though I know he pushed me to that point on purpose and he fully 100% intended
to cause the reaction he did, I AM THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW I ACTED. Period.
And it was wrong, and that’s all there is to it. So, now when he does those shitty things to
me, it is wrong too. And it is his
fault. I’m not even intentionally
triggering him like he did to me, he just has so much anger inside that he
tries so hard to break me so I’ll give him a reason to be a hateful angry
monster. I won’t give it to him anymore,
so the only thing he has to cling to are the explosions he provoked before I
got wise enough to realize that I was giving him exactly what he wanted. So anywho, at first I thought if I could
figure out how to get him to acknowledge his contribution to our problems –
because it’s a two way fucking street, and he’s every bit as much to blame as I
am – then we could heal and be happy, because that’s all I really want. He can be so wonderful. But he can be so awful, and lately the awful
disproportionately outweighs the wonderful.
And there isn’t even a good sex life to redeem that miserable fact. It just sucks all around, and why am I
here? Why am I settling for this? Check this out.
This narcissistic personality disorder trait shows up when this person never admits being wrong. It was not their fault, someone else was to blame, and they will employ all sorts of tactics and defences to avoid being accountable.
Let’s look at what some of the defences and tactics of this narcissistic personality disorder trait
• Avoidance:Refusing to recognise or acknowledge the incident as real or important to you – “I didn’t say that”
• Excuses: Making up stories or reasons for the behaviour that are not genuine or valid excuses -- “I was reacting to how you used to be”
• Accusations:Blaming someone else for the wrongdoing – “I’m stressed/I’m tired and I can’t remember what I did when I was tired so I’m not responsible for my reprehensible behavior/I had a disagreement with my mom/Shan said/did blah blah blah”
• False Apology: Saying a ‘sorry’ that is not a genuine apology, and expecting you to accept it – “I’m sorry I was reacting to the bad things you did in the past” (NOT A REAL FUCKING APOLOGY, ASSHOLE!)
• Confusion: Creating antics over trivial points in the conversation to shift and confuse the focus
• Projection: Stating ‘what you did wrong’ regarding the particular topic by using ammunition from the past that has nothing to do with the present incident “You do that too/You did that before/remember when you…” (This is Joth’s favorite. Bring up past shit I did that has nothing to do with what the fuck we are talking about, just to get out of taking accountability for his fuckup)
• Using Allies:Quoting people real or imagined to back their ‘story’ of excuses, or to discredit you
• Shutting down: Unwilling to have the conversation or abandoning the sceneto avoid scrutiny – he always storms away to the porch, or the other day he shut himself in the bathroom, or one time he walked away and went upstairs – always when I am talking to him about a mistake he made, because he doesn’t have the balls to confront it so he walks away like a goddamned coward)
• Shifting Focus:Responding with displeasure to your body language or the tone of your voice to steer the conversation away from the wrongdoing “Your lips are swollen/turned down/your pupils are big/your eyes are whatever/you sound sarcastic/you sound angry/you’re talking too fast/you’re moving too fast” – yeah he does this one ALLLLLLLL the time
• Persecution :Stating how bad your accusations are, and what a terrible person you are to accuse
• Denial:Stating that it was incidents in your past, and your fears and insecurities which causes you to make these accusations – I’m sure he HAS cheated on me. Why not, it wouldn’t be the least horrible thing he’s done. It’s not like he has any integrity. When I’ve suspected in the past, he did the above – persecution “I can’t believe you don’t trust me” blah blah blah and the denial. He may not actually have cheated, BUT I know he has a porn addiction and he denies THAT like I’m stupid, and gets all righteously indignant when I say anything about it because I have a brain and it shows in our pathetic sex life. And “I don’t sleep til noon” when I damn well know he does more often than NOT, then somehow I’m apologizing? For accusing him of doing something I KNOW HE DOES??? Or when he gets mad that I notice not shit ever gets done around the house, yet I’m supposed to believe that somehow he spent all this time cleaning even though there’s no way in hell he did, and he gets pissed for me refusing to believe his lies that he is a hard worker when he’s the laziest human I’ve ever met in my life
• Discrediting: Stating that you are such a negative person and always look for the ‘conspiracy theory’ in your conversations
• Threatening: Citing abandonment or punishment if you continue with the accusation
• Entitlement: Demanding that you recognise the positive things they have done for you, andthat its unfair for you to focus on the negatives – ALLLLL. THE. TIME. It would appear that he is as narcissistic as narcissists come. He’s hitting every one of these points.
• Lying: Stating they did grant explanation, reassurance, or did do the credible thing when these actions were not forthcoming – yup. He claims to have done/said sweet things that never fucking happened.
• Condemnation: Continuing the story of “I did do the right thing” and then being incensed at you for calling them a liar – yes.
• Justification: Stating ‘I did it’ because of your behaviour and because you make me do these things – that’s like, the main stupid one he uses. I caused this behavior because I reacted to his behavior before and I did bad things – which I took accountability for and apologized for – but somehow because of that, now he has a free pass to be a douche and it’s all my fault.
• Triggering: Using a maiming comment related or unrelated to incite you to anger and shift blame – “You’re insane” “You’re a destroyer” or bringing up any drug use as if that discredits me (it doesn’t. Adderall is a drug, and alcohol is a drug, and so is acid, so fuck off with that shit too you pathetic hypocrite)
• Competition: Stating all the things that they are not happy about with you, as a ‘tit for tat’ retaliation, rather than addressing the issue at hand – he does that one too
The narcissistic personality disorder trait no accountability is incredibly disturbing. When confronted with some or many of these tactics you will feel incredibly invalidated, confused, foggy and unsafe. When dealing with this narcissistic personality disorder trait you will feel that the harder you try to get this person to take responsibility and accountability, the more toxic the conversation becomes. This person will use any tools in their arsenal such gaslighting and projecting to make sure they do not have to admit fault.
When dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder traitsit is important to realise that this person does not have remorse and no matter how hard you try they are not capable of admitting they are wrong. Instead of trying to fight for justice and get accountability from the narcissist, accept that their behaviour is due to their disorder and consider using boundaries or implementing no contact – whereby you remove all forms of contact with this person
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