I have so much to say, and not nearly enough time or space to say it all! My mind is racing. I have slept only 3 or 4 hours a night for the past 5 nights or so. I know that isn't an adequate amount of sleep for the body and mind to restore and function properly, so I'm a little worried about what the overall impact of this is going to have on me if it continues much longer. Without enough sleep, people start acting weird. However, in my life, this is just something that happens. At least I know that it will eventually pass.
Speaking of crazy, I never realized before how warped my mind has become and how damaged I truly am. I really do need to recover and heal, I have been affected in small little ways that I never predicted. For example, the first night I spent in my new apartment, I got up in the middle of the night to get a blanket. I grabbed my door keys from the table; they had not yet been attached to my key ring. I used the keys to open a box and I THOUGHT I put them back on the table. The next morning, though, I couldn't find them ANYWHERE. I still haven't found them. That morning, as I searched everywhere, I started to panic and worry that somehow he had gotten into the apartment and taken my keys. Really? If you can get into someone's apartment WITHOUT a key, then why would you bother taking them??? Then, I was running late for work so I put my phone in my pocket. It fell out of the hole so I decided to put it in my purse. A few minutes later, I had to call the leasing consultant to let her know I couldn't find my keys. I reached in my purse for my phone...it was GONE! I started crying and freaking out. I thought maybe it was all a bad dream. Eventually, I found my phone in my pocket. I didn't even remember putting it there -- in fact, I THOUGHT I remembered putting it in my purse. It was a rough morning.
That's not all, though. I have been talking to a couple of different guys on a dating site. Any time I get a message from anyone, I analyze the speech (typing) patterns, spelling, most used phrases. Is it him, pretending to be someone else? I even wondered that about a couple of girls I was chatting with on another site. I am always on guard, expecting him to be lurking in the shadows. I'm not even sure what I'm scared of. It's completely irrational, yet I feel that I never know what I can predict from him anymore. When he slashed my tires, it awakened a new kind of fear within me. What other boundaries would he cross? How else might he harm and violate me?
But enough of that. Yeah, I've got problems. He's got problems. We've all got problems. However, we all have a lot to be grateful for still. The more we recognize the good things we have, the more good things we will attract to us. I can't dwell on the bad part. I can't pretend there WASN'T a good part, either. Was it worth the price? I don't know. I did experience true joy. I fell in love with wild abandon. I felt alive, I felt magical, I felt cherished. So what if, to him, it was all a game? Who cares if every nice thing he said and did was just to gain control? What does it matter to me if everything I experienced was based on a lie? I still felt them. I was still happy. As I try to move on from the pain of the betrayal and hurt, I also acknowledge that it wasn't all for nothing. I may not have gained anywhere near what I lost, but I am not sorry that I loved just because the one I loved was incapable of loving me back. Now that I know, though...well, why waste time loving a heartless shell when you can focus your energies on something real?
On a completely unrelated topic, I had to get a new battery for my car today. This is getting ridiculous! New tires and tie rods last weekend, a new battery this weekend, a new starter a couple of months ago...what's next??? I got in my car last night to head to the sister circle and it wouldn't start at all. I had to get a jump to make it to work today. I swear sometimes, life is really trying to test me!!
Valentine's Day is coming up. When I realized that today, I was a little bit depressed for a minute. Then I decided there is every reason to be happier than ever -- I have two precious little children who would make better Valentines than ANY man (or woman) I can think of. They deserve my attention this year. I'm finally going to do it right and recognize the people who truly DO mean the world to me and will ALWAYS be there no matter what. Besides, LAST Valentine's Day, I had a boyfriend, and it actually really fucking sucked. Excuse my language. First of all, he took me out the night before and made up some bullshit excuse why he couldn't spend the night. The one night that it really would have been important, that I actually would have liked to snuggle and be happy. He said he had to work early in the morning, which was a total lie. I left my purse in his car and at 9 AM he asked me if I wanted him to bring it by. At 9 AM? I thought you had to be to work early? I got my purse back and all of my money was gone. He tried to blame his sister, but my ID was crinkled up. I knew that whoever had gone through my purse had been angry. I wondered, though, if he and his "baby mama" truly didn't have a relationship, why would she deface my ID? But why would his sister do it? He played dumb, of course. He's really good at that. That night -- VALENTINE'S DAY -- he made up some stupid asshole loser excuse why he couldn't come over. It all fell into place when she showed up at my house looking for her husband a few days later. Oh, yes. That's when I should have left.
Anyway, I hope my Valentine's Day is better this year, and hers too. He hasn't stopped trying to contact me and giving me his bullshit about how he misses me and loves me, blah blah blah, sing that song to someone who believes you. Just because HE doesn't respect his marriage, though, doesn't mean I won't. As much as I have been angry with her, confused by her, and frustrated with her...she completely humiliated herself by going with him to the police station like she did. If she will do THAT, just to protect him -- if she will take him back, knowing what he's been up to -- well I'll be damned if I'm going to be the one to make her unhappy. Oh, don't get me wrong. Somebody will. He can't keep it in his pants to save his life. But it won't be ME.
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