Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh buddy. I'm getting close -- and I feel it! The baby has dropped, and her head is uncomfortably lodged in my pelvis. It hurts to walk. My back hurts constantly, I can't stop throwing up. Oh, the joys...
Today I am going to address the main issue that seems to be coming up in my life. I hear what people are saying, I understand and agree with it. But what can be done? I've always been this way. It's a part of my nature. I understand why people believe me to be dishonest, although in fact I am quite the opposite. It used to bother me -- why would people call me a liar, when I hardly ever lie? Then I started thinking about some of the comments that people have made to me lately and I think I'm starting to get it.
I am a walking contradiction. I am both extremes existing within the same body. Some people are "bipolar" in that they swing from one extreme to another unpredictably -- hot, then cold. Angry, then peaceful. Suicidally sad, then deliriously happy. How much more confusing it must be for people to understand ME, then -- scalding hot and freezing cold running in the same pipe. It doesn't seem possible, yet here I am. It's like I'm too people -- polar opposites -- sharing a mind and a body. Someone may hear me say that I am against the death penalty, for example. I may hear and agree with some very good reasons why it is immoral or wrong, and decide that I AM against the death penalty. Within a matter of days -- maybe even hours, or minutes -- the same person may hear me say that I SUPPORT the death penalty. Again, I am still telling the absolute truth. I hear and agree with the reasons why it is necessary. At any given time, there are numerous things that I am both FOR and AGAINST.
I believe in God, and I don't believe in God. I believe in love, and I don't believe in love. I reject gender roles, I understand and see the purpose of gender roles. I am independent and very dependent. I don't want everything I truly want, and vice versa. I hate everything I love, and the other way around. This is all well and good when it comes to religion and politics, maybe it makes me hard to get along with or hard to understand, but it doesn't cause any real damage. The issue comes when this personality quirk enters into decisions regarding my own life.
N says I tell him one thing and I tell my family the other. The detective gets one story from me and a completely different story from N. What does this mean? Both stories are true. At any given time, most people in my life know one story or the other. Sometimes I have one special person in my life who knows both sides -- that person WAS N, and before him it was my husband, and before him it was Shy. Sometimes I share an intimate relationship with someone who NEVER gets both sides -- my first husband, my son's father, etc. When I stop trusting you or lose faith in your ability to understand both sides of me, or when I fear that you will use my confidence in you against me, you no longer know both stories. And that's where I am now -- a split person. To my family I am one, to N I am another, but in reality I am BOTH. I just know who will accept which part and keep the other part to myself.
This is getting complex. Let me put it in simpler terms. I told my family I want to place my baby for adoption, which is true. I told N that I do not, which is also true. I told the detective that I did not want N in my life, which is true. I told N (at times) that I DID want him in my life, which was also true. However, sometimes I can recognize that just because one part of me wants something doesn't mean that it is right for me. One part of me is like a little child -- unrealistic, idealistic, only seeing the positive, in need of a reality check. She is the one who wants to keep the baby, basing that decision only on emotions. The emotion of love and attachment for my offspring, the emotion of sadness I would have to face in parting with my own child.
One part of me thinks with her head, not her heart. She bases her decisions on reality and wants what is best in a true sense, not a selfish sense. The little child -- the Princess of Cups within me -- still loves N because she blocks out the pain and sadness, believes the lies he tells because she wants to believe in a happily ever after, and considers only the EMOTIONS -- the way he makes me feel when he's around, the comfort and security of "love", the hormones raging through my mind and body giving me a chemical high when he touches me -- ignoring all the indications that it is a pretense, a false love, a lie. The mature one -- the Queen of Swords within me -- considers only the FACTS. This is what he has done, this is what he is likely to do. He has lied, he can not be trusted. He has hurt you, he does not truly love you. She is cold, hard, unforgiving. She is the one who screams at him to go away, while the Princess of Cups is desperately clinging on as he does.
If I put the Princess of Cups, a lovestruck foolish adolescent, in charge of my life it will be destroyed in the name of "love". It has happened before. Time for the Queen of Swords to take over. Reject the bullshit, slam the door in the faces of those who have burned their bridges. Goodbye.
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