I know I've been lazy, I haven't been explaining the cards I chose in the last few entries. I figure if anyone is interested enough, Google isn't that complicated. Today I chose the 5 of Pentacles, initially because of the weather -- it corresponds well with the imagery on this card! However, the underlying meaning is relevant as well. This is kind of a hopeless time for me, but I'm marching forward despite the cold and driving snow. This card is associated with depression, which I am experiencing a slight bout of right now. Just a week or so ago, wasn't I talking about how I was only sleeping 3 or four hours a night? Well, I'm rapid cycling, and I transitioned into a depressive phase. I have been sleeping pretty much non-stop the last few days and I'm still always tired. I just need to hang in there, though. It will pass -- it always does.
My lesson from the universe at this stage of my life has been acceptance. Acceptance, depending on which way I approach it, either sounds much more simple than it really is or entirely impossible. I often have the mistaken notion that to accept something is to like it, condone it, or approve of it. I have been grasping lately that you can be accepting of something while still not agreeing with it. Analogies have always been helpful for me to understand things, so I applied one to this situation and started to get it. If you wanted to build a castle with blocks and were given only circle blocks, you could say, "If only I had some square blocks. I could build a much better castle with square blocks." That may be true, but you don't HAVE any square blocks. You can either focus on what it SHOULD be, or what it IS. When you focus on what IS and accept that you only have round blocks, then you are able to move forward into accomplishing something with them. Conversely, you could accomplish nothing at all and blame your circumstances. It's all up to you.
I have a problem with acceptance, which keeps me stuck in bad situations for far too long. Or, I make bad decisions based on how good they would be IF ONLY. I plan things based on expectations that rarely come to fruition. I just finished reading that Love Fraud book, and one of the clearest lessons the author imparts is to have no expectations. If I can not be happy with things AS THEY ARE, I should not stick around waiting for the day that they will change. Acceptance also does not mean putting up with something. Like with N, I have finally reached acceptance of who he is and how he feels about me. Does that mean I must deal with it? Does acceptance mean I accept the unhappiness? No, it only means that I accept that he is not faithful, not honest, selfish, and lacking compassion. Instead of saying, "We could be so happy if only he would...if only we had...if only he didn't...if only he stopped...if only he started..." etc, I need to accept that he is who he is, and although things MAY change, you don't make life decisions based on unlikely possibilities.
The same concept applies to the adoption. I struggled with it because I really WANT to raise this baby. And I could do a good job, if only I had someone to help me. If only I were in a relationship with two incomes. If only I were more caught up financially. If only I had planned ahead more. If only he had stayed faithful and never hurt me and if my family liked him and if he weren't married and if we were living together and if I could trust him and IF IF IF IF!!!" But I accept what is. I made my decision based on that. I can't make a castle with the blocks I have, so I'm going to just make something else instead of crying about it and giving up. All we can do is all we can do, right?
I can NOT believe I'm at the library today. I must be flippin' crazy. The snow is coming down hard, and sideways! I need a good book to read, though. This morning, my car was encased in a sheet of thick ice and I don't have a scraper. Then, traffic was at a practical stand-still all the way to work. I was an hour and a half late! If baby girl decides to be born today, her middle name will be Nieve. Well, on the original birth certificate, that is. Of course the adoptive parents have their own name picked out, but I can put whatever I want on the first birth certificate. It will stay sealed until she is 18. I haven't decided yet if I am going to put his last name on it or mine -- my other two kids have their fathers' last names, but this situation is a bit different. I'm far from traditional, but in a way I feel like I should. I don't know if she would like that or not. I guess it doesn't really matter either way though, does it?
I guess I should pick out a book and get my butt home!
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