Whew! I didn't write for a while, everything was totally okay, just adjusting to my new schedule. Today is my "Saturday" so I finally have a day off. I'm having a great day! I'm sipping my coffee, listening to Lana del Rey, and cleaning the house. It's hard to focus on what I'm typing when I'm listening to music with words, though -- my mind wants to listen to the lyrics AND think of the words I am typing. It doesn't go so well.
Soooooooo, let's see. I've been doing really well on the new schedule, despite some awful weather. I made it there by no later than 7:30 because I'm scared to death of being late. It feels good to be one of those conscientious employees who always shows up early. The problem is, this behavior for me has IN THE PAST tended to be a part of a pattern and has not lasted. Emphasis on IN THE PAST because I'm now living an excuse-free life and claiming the destiny I want by taking charge of my own life. Which means that if I want to be there early every single day, well then I WILL be.
I've been learning so much about our brain, and our world, and the interplay of energies and thoughts and feelings and behaviors. I've always been so fascinated by the way people think, and what makes them do what they do, and how certain behaviors develop. It makes me more comfortable to think of things as black and white, but nothing is so clear cut. We have our early programming, behaviors we witnessed, things we were told, manipulation and propaganda from the media, slanting of facts, "positioning" by sales people, history being revised and lost, chemicals and ingredients in the foods we eat, flouride calcifying our pineal glands, being affected by barometric pressure and UV rays, different colors affecting our moods, "triggers" implanted from early childhood...the human brain and society as a whole is this confusing, complex, tragic and beautiful chaotic puzzle which no one will ever solve.
I saw this picture on Facebook which said that Japanese scientists believe the universe is a hologram. Wrap your mind around THAT! Of course, anything is possible. That gave me a hunger to learn more, so I googled "free quantum physics course". I found a BUNCH of free college courses online at MIT! Of course, you don't get college credits for them -- but still, if you're into learning for the sake of learning, it's like a treasure trove!! I'm so excited to learn about whatever I want. I was browsing the courses and I felt like a kid in a candy store -- and it's perfect for me, because there are no deadlines, no grades, no costs. Just information, to learn or not to learn, to pick and choose the courses that interest you, at your own pace.
When I got out of work yesterday, I picked up Juju from daycare and Rachel had said she'd drop Tristan off by 5:30. Of course, she was late. I texted her twice and got no response. Of course, she claimed her phone was dead. In those moments, while I was pacing in my kitchen, fuming, I grabbed a hold of my consciousness and said NOW. THIS is the time to practice being love. THIS is the time to figure out how to act without ego without laying myself out to be trampled by the egos of others. THIS anger and frustration are the teachers I need to use in order to elevate myself beyond my previous reactions. I'll be honest, I didn't know WHAT to do. I really still don't. All I know is, I refrained from sending snarky texts about her always being late and always having an excuse and being undependable. When she got to my house, somehow I just smiled and talked with her. I decided to release my anger and just focus on good, all the time, even when some things suck. There's always something good to focus on. It was hard.
And I don't know if it's complete, yet, because there's no answer for how to behave when you constantly get the short end of the stick in being the kind person in interactions with an unkind person. I just hope life will teach me how to be loving without being taken advantage of, how to be kind without getting hurt, how to be compassionate without being vulnerable to predators. And maybe this uncertainty is what leads certain people to be the way they are. Maybe we ARE all good inside, but some are afraid of the consequences of being open, and their hostility is a shield.
Speaking of good and bad, I was doing some thinking in the shower. People think we're so much more enlightened now, and somehow we've magically progressed past the atrocities of the barbaric middle ages. But when I look at it over time, I feel like there is always just the same amount of good, and the same amount of "evil". There is always a balance. Some things get better, some things get worse. Just look at the 50's -- a lot of people see those as the "good old days" because children were more respectful and perhaps there was less crime. But what they DON'T mention is the racism, the sexism, the wives subjugated to their husbands, the unfair job market for women, the rampant violent "parenting" which was accepted as norm. Now, they say children are less respectful, but there is more compassion in parenting. We have come a long way in reaching equality, but more children raised in single-parent homes are growing up to have issues. My point is, every step we take forward in ONE area seems to be compensated with a step backward in ANOTHER. And I believe that's intentional. Things will always, always remain in balance. Like the picture of the yin yang -- one side isn't going to get bigger than the other, ever.
So what does this mean for the purpose of life? I used to believe it was all about good defeating evil. I no longer think that's the case. I think it's each one of us going through a trial here on this earth with the same exact ratio in order to elevate and enlighten ourselves through the trials provided by this dichotomy. This is our training grounds, the challenges are what refine us, the rewards are what nurture us. The courses may change, but the lessons are the same. It's not so much about saving the earth, it's about saving ourselves through the challenges we face ON the earth. That might sound a little far out, but it's what I currently believe. And I think I might be on to something. There's always going to be something bad going on. If you eliminate nailing people to crosses, people start beheading each other. Do away with the guillotine and introduce the gallows. It used to be accepted to burn women at the stake and now we speak of that portion of our history as if people today are no longer capable of such barbarism, but it's still here. It's not up to us to change others, we can't. We're here to change ourselves and we do that by choosing the ways we respond to the circumstances we face.
Okay I think I've typed enough. Time for yoga!!
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