Good afternoon! Wellllll, it's still pretty snowy out there. I think the "blizzard" is tapering off, though, and now we just have the snow that fell blowing around causing visibility issues. Oh, and insanely cold temperatures. The parking lot here where I live finally got plowed, however there is now a giant pile of snow behind my car. Grrrrrr....I'm going to be SO GRATEFUL for springtime!
I can't say that the forced solitude has been entirely bad for me, though. I've spent a lot of time thinking and planning, getting in touch with my innermost self. It's been a time of spiritual nourishment. I did an hour of yoga today and I think I'm due for a nice, long, peaceful meditation. Just let it all go. Get back into balance, release anything that no longer serves me. Sometimes I get so tired from holding on to so much. I forget that I don't have to. Sometimes when I'm driving in my car and I think about an infuriating thing that Rachel said and start to get all worked up about it, I just tell myself that I do not own these feelings. I do not choose this anger. She may have intended to cause it but I don't have to accept it. What she says and what she thinks are not about me. It's hard for me to tell myself that what other people think of me is none of my business, but it's true. I don't need their approval or validation. However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't crave it anyway.
I'm reading this book, I think I mentioned that. Excuses Begone. I got halfway through it yesterday and it's really been eye-opening. It feels so good to know that I'm not crazy, to read someone else has put into print the things I think in my head. It's nice to feel like I'm not alone. As much as I'm about diversity and embracing our differences, it gets lonely sometimes out there in the world. At work, the first question people usually ask one another is what church they go to. I join in conversations even when I respectfully disagree, but I grow weary sometimes of being around people who don't understand me, who don't see the world as I do. I understand a certain part of my mission is to open hearts and minds, but at times I just want to relax in the comfort and acceptance of like-minded people. To be reassured that I AM okay, and loved, exactly the way I am. It sounds like I need a good dose of Sister Circle. :)
My sister texted me today and said that my Uncle Lynn (my grandma's sister's husband -- great-uncle) probably won't make it through the night and is at home with hospice. Or something like that. I always feel strange when it comes to death -- it doesn't really bother me. I guess I feel like it's supposed to, or people expect me to feel a certain way. I wonder what they think of me when they see me calmly accepting it. Then again, no one very close to me has ever died. Yes, I have known Uncle Lynn since I was a baby. I'm at peace with this because it's part of life. Now ask me how I'd feel if it were one of my children and you'd get a different reaction. Why? Because of how it affects ME. Now I have to live the rest of my life without this person I love very much. I will miss out on the companionship I looked forward to. I will miss the joy of this person's presence. It still isn't about me having a problem with death, it's about me having a problem with missing someone. Which is why I grieved more over Sienna's adoption than I ever have over the death of anyone. Grief isn't about death. Sometimes there is grief without death; sometimes there is death without grief.
So, I was watching this documentary on Ayurveda last night. I had a realization about myself. They were discussing how the field of medicine should be approached with care because it's easy to become corrupt when you are essentially profiting from the suffering of others. They mentioned something about desire being the root of all evil. Of course, this is a commonly held theme in Buddhism about being free of attachment and desire, so I'm familiar with it. However, I suddenly understood something about myself.
Since the time I first lived on my own and knew what it was to have nothing, I have not desired much materially and not had much attachment to worldly things. I don't care about "stuff". I have what I have, I don't have what I don't have, and I'm content with that. I think this is why I can't (won't) save money -- it makes no difference to me what I do with it. I could blow it on random stupid things, buy a bunch of things for the kids, give it away, take friends out for dinner, whatever. I always feel this pressing need to just hurry up and get rid of it.
I think the reason is that, if I have money just sitting there, I start thinking about the things I could spend it on. And there, where there previously was no desire, suddenly desire arises for things I don't have that I want. I don't want to want anything. And if I can't buy it, there's no sense in wanting it. Does that make sense? Maybe only to me. In any case, I'm going to give half of each commission check to my sister to put away for me. Out of sight, out of mind. One girl at work said her commission checks are never below $1,200. I could save for everything my kids could possibly need, daycare, a lawyer, anything! But only if it's out of sight. Anyway it's time for me to do my meditation and hopefully go get the kids, I'm waiting to hear back from Rachel on how the roads are by her house. Peace!
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