This does not say what it was orginally going to say. I had already typed three paragraphs, then I accidentally deleted the whole thing. I don't want my post to feel canned or repetitive, I like to just write what comes to mind. Therefore, you are getting a completely different post than what I was originally writing.
I have heard nothing back yet about my phone interview, but it's only Tuesday so I'm not too worried yet. I am getting the distinct impression that the sooner I get out of here, the happier Brian will be. I had already given him a proposed end date, based on my budget, of September 1. He's trying to help me get out by August 15. I'm not sure if it's because I'm driving him THAT crazy, or if he's just trying to be a nice guy. I try to stay out of his way, I clean up my messes, and I don't bring people over or act crazy or anything. It could be anything, really. It could be more weird for him than he expected. I could be more annoying than he remembered. I could just be cramping his style. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter. I'm looking at houses and apartments, but it's tough to set anything in stone without having the money saved first. Thursday will be my first check that anything goes into my savings because I JUST paid my sister off. I'm excited to get out on my own, but I also feel stressed. I have basically three weeks to get this shit figured out. Things will come together, though -- they always do.
My poison ivy has, for some reason, spread ALL over my body. I'm not complaining, though. I'm just making an observation. I don't really care, I guess, as long as it doesn't stay forever.
I had a really nice talk on the phone with R last night. I am so...infatuated with him. I mean, let's be real, I've known him less than two months. I think about him all the time, I love everything about him, and I think he's the best thing since sliced bread. Memories of him make me swoon, hearing his voice makes me all weak in the knees, and when he texts me something sweet, I light up inside. This is love, in its own way. It's not the same kind of love that will develop over months and years of getting inside the other's head, experiencing hardship and joy together, and interacting on a regular basis -- but it's a very good foundation. I have vowed to, from the very start, be the very best girlfriend I can be so that one day down the road I am not stuck wondering what would have happened if I would have tried harder, or wishing I could start over and do it right. This is my one chance, and I'm making the best of it. He makes it so easy because he's so wonderful. :)
I didn't even explain what's been going on with Tristan. As predicted in previous entries, my brother and his wife ARE going for custody. It just so happened that Tristan's dad sued for custody, and everyone was so worried about him winning that we did what we had to do. I gave them guardianship, then they filed a motion for custody. I feel like it was the lesser evil, although I am NOT by any means happy about it. Of course I'm left wondering if they planned on doing this regardless, but now I'll never know. It makes me a little angry at his dad, because if he hadn't messed everything up, they would have had no excuse not to let Tristan come back to me at the end of the school year. When they get custody, they will use him as a tool against me, as leverage to make me comply with their wishes. They will impose their ideas of parenting on ME, and withold my child from me if I don't follow along with their guidelines. I really wish I had a dependable lawyer. This is not the time for me to afford one, though, and they know it. My hands are tied and I'm pissed.
However, I'm not going to blame the two of them for the pickle I'm in. This was MY doing. If I hadn't stayed with N, they'd never have offered to "take him for a few months" to begin with. Or if they had, I'd have had no reason to allow it, because all of my attention would have been on him. I wanted to believe them because I wanted to be like a stupid teenager in love shoved so far up her boyfriend's ass she couldn't see the light of day. That sounds a bit harsh. I was just desperate for love, so desperate that I overlooked and underestimated the purest love a woman can have. I already WAS loved, with the simple adoration of my child. And I threw it away for a toxic man. Shit, this makes my heart hurt. :(
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