Good morning, beautiful world! The sun is shining, I have coffee in my cup, the kids are playing, and yesterday I got a lot better at the hula hoop tricks I've been practicing. By next Peace Fest, I'm going to be AWESOME! On top of all THAT, I am in love with the most compassionate, intelligent, funny, interesting, creative man on the planet and I miss him soooooooooooo much.
He lives about 4 hours away and we have only been able to see each other every other weekend, so it's been rough -- but I believe it happened that way for a good reason. I have definite trust issues (as I'm sure you can imagine) and this situation places a big emphasis on trust. It is truly the one factor that will make or break us at this stage in the game. I took a huge gamble and decided to just trust him, what else can I do? I can't waste my life worrying about what he's doing, analyzing everything he says and does to try to determine whether he's telling the truth, lying awake in bed paranoid about the ways he could be betraying me. I believe he's sincere. If he's not, I can't say it wouldn't devastate me. But if I'm going to be in this relationship, I have to give it my very best shot. He deserves that much. Besides, he's also going out on a limb for ME -- I am, after all, living in my ex-husband's basement. I know that R has nothing to worry about, but HE has no way of knowing that. He just has to trust me. I imagine that would be pretty difficult.
I am, however, extremely grateful that B was kind enough to even let me stay here for a couple months. It wasn't the original plan -- I had a room lined up right after Project HEAL ended that I was going to rent from this woman. It was really awesome and I was so excited. I gave her the $600 to move in, and the weekend I was supposed to move, she told me she couldn't rent to me. It's a really long story but the bottom line is, it was a scam. SHE was renting a room in that house from someone else and screwing people out of money! I could take her to small claims court -- as a matter of fact, I SHOULD -- but I just didn't. Anyway, my 6 months was over with HEAL and I had just lost the only savings I had, since I just had to buy a new car. So B offered to let me stay here while I save up the money I need for my own place again.
My sister has been helping me manage my money, which has made all the difference. I finally had to accept that I am just unable to be responsible with money. I mean, I have tried, but all it takes is ONE moment of weakness to undo weeks of discipline. What she does is transfers my whole check except for gas money and a $50 allowance each week into her bank account. It was with that savings that I was able to buy a new car when mine totally died. I had a blown gasket, apparently. And some fan belt thing. Whatever it was, the mechanic said it was not worth fixing so I had to get rides to and from work from my sister, mom, and brother in law while I saved my money to get another car.
I am still involved with the sister circle, although I kind of fell back when my car died. I had just started breaking out of my shell and feeling comfortable socializing with other people, then that happened. For some reason it just threw me right back into hermit mode and I'm only now struggling to fight my way back out into the real world. I love people, I NEED people -- but left to my own devices, I end up so socially isolated that it's a hard feat to turn it around.
I did tarot readings at a little fund raising thing Juliea had up at the office. I was very nervous because even though I have been reading for MYSELF for 12 years and close friends for 4 years, I am not very good at reading for people I don't know. It's a completely different process for me. Instead of bailing on her like I did 8 years ago when she asked me to do readings at a jewelry party, I welcomed the opportunity to get some practice. After all, I'm never going to get better if I don't venture out of my comfort zone at some point and just DO it, GET comfortable with it. On the whole, I didn't do nearly as badly as I feared I would do. I at least figured out what my weaknesses were and identified a few areas I could improve on. It was fun, and the girls responded much more warmly than I anticipated.
I have been running with my sister and I did my first 5k EVER with her about 2 weeks ago. I finished! It was even longer than the traditional 3.1 miles, but I did the whole damn thing and felt SO GOOD! It was called Glow in the Park, so it was at night. They gave us glow in the dark body paint, glowstick necklaces, and finger blinkies (I tied mine on my shoelaces). Then, as we went around the track, they threw glow powder on us and squirted us with glow water. Plus, there were DJs playing good, dancey beats which made a huge difference. I loved it! I have lost only 4 pounds since my 6 week checkup, which is frustrating but my clothes do fit much better. I have been trying to eat right and stay determined. I went off the birth control pill to help me lose weight, but.....I should probably start taking that again.
I had a scare -- N showed up right before Memorial Day weekend and stole my birth control pills. (Or, "forgot they were in his pocket" -- what were they doing there in the first place????) He brought them back 3 days later and tried to impregnate me. Oh, I only WISH I was making this up...I can't believe how crazy he really is. Honestly. Anyway, to make a long and twisted story short, I missed my period. In fact, I completely skipped one period and JUST had it two weeks ago. As you can probably imagine, I was TERRIFIED. I was sure that I was pregnant, so I did this trick I had read about where you megadose on Vitamin C for 3 days. I took a 500mg pill every hour for 3 days and I still didn't get it. However, when I got it the following week, it was...well I was going to describe it but that might be too graphic. Let's just say that maybe the Vitamin C DID work, after all. In any case, I'm not pregnant.
Well, I'm going to go hang out with the kids for a while, so adios!
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