We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl...

WOAH!  I was googling images to find a cool picture to go along with the title.  Yesterday's title was "Take these broken wings and learn to fly" and today's is "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl".  I typed that in, looking for a psychedelic fish picture of some sort, when I came across this wooden pendant with those words on it.  I thought that would be the perfect gift for R, since it's our song.  I clicked on the picture to go to the website, and to the right of the picture of THAT pendant was a picture of a pendant which said, "Take these broken wings and learn to fly".  What the WHAT??  I love synchronicity ;)

I am becoming a better person every day.  I know I was a little down yesterday, and I've been moody for a few days now.  However, I'm handling it much better than I once did.  I'm very proud of myself for not giving up on me.  I know that, just like the weather (and many times BECAUSE of the weather), my moods will come and go, ebb and flow.  I'm learning to become much more zen about life.  Some affirmations I say to myself throughout the day are:
"There is only this moment, and it is wonderful"
"Be here now"
(Inhale) "Hello moment" (exhale) "I am here" and
"I feel fine and life is wonderful". 

All this positivity, though, is at odds with the activist/freedom fighter in me.  We can't conquer the evils of the world by pretending they don't exist.  As someone mentioned on Facebook the other day, Martin Luther King Jr didn't just stand around and talk about what lovely weather we're having all the time.  So how do you reconcile the law of attraction with standing up for what's right?  If we all just focused on the things that pleased us, no one would be challenging the things that harm us.  Where is the middle ground?  I intend to do some research and meditation to figure that out.

It is a full moon, but it has affected me differently this time.  I usually sleep a very broken 3-4 hours during the nights approaching and following the full moon.  This time, I'm very tired and weepy.  I ran with my sister yesterday so I actually have tonight free.  I should just take a nap, but I  think I'm going to go to Blues on the Mall.  I haven't been at all this month because I've been running with my sister on Monday and Wednesday nights.

R and I were going to spend this coming weekend together, but I just can't afford to spend any extra money right now.  We'd have met halfway, which is still an hour and a half drive for me.  I am SOOOOOOOO bummed and I'm going to miss him so much, but I believe our relationship is strong and we can handle it.  I'm not going anywhere, and I don't think he is either.  And if he IS, better to find out now than to invest years before finding out that he wasn't that into me.  If it's worth it to him, he'll wait.  And I think he will.  If it's not, I'll be grateful to know this and move on with my life.  I don't think that's going to happen, though.  He does seem very loyal and sincere.  He IS a Taurus, after all.

I'm surprised to read that Geminis are not necessarily so compatible with Taurus'.  Taureses?  I'm not really sure about the apostrophe, but you get what I'm trying to say anyway.  He seems perfect for me, because I'm very flighty and he's very grounded.  I read that Air + Earth = Dust.  I'm not really sure if dust is good or bad...???  Earth + Water = Mud, that sure doesn't sound good at all.  What about Earth and Fire?  What do THEY make?  Because I know I can't date another fire sign -- Fire CONSUMES Air.  You can see that my mind is wandering.  It's been doing that all day.

My productivity at work is waaaaaaaaaaaay down.  I need to try to focus, but I zone out all day.  I'm starting to get bored with my job and I can't get my head back in it.  I also attribute it to a lack of coffee.  :)

Take these broken wings and learn to fly....

This does not say what it was orginally going to say.  I had already typed three paragraphs, then I accidentally deleted the whole thing.  I don't want my post to feel canned or repetitive, I like to just write what comes to mind.  Therefore, you are getting a completely different post than what I was originally writing. 

I have heard nothing back yet about my phone interview, but it's only Tuesday so I'm not too worried yet.  I am getting the distinct impression that the sooner I get out of here, the happier Brian will be.  I had already given him a proposed end date, based on my budget, of September 1.  He's trying to help me get out by August 15.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm driving him THAT crazy, or if he's just trying to be a nice guy.  I try to stay out of his way, I clean up my messes, and I don't bring people over or act crazy or anything.  It could be anything, really.  It could be more weird for him than he expected.  I could be more annoying than he remembered.  I could just be cramping his style.  Ultimately, it doesn't really matter.  I'm looking at houses and apartments, but it's tough to set anything in stone without having the money saved first.  Thursday will be my first check that anything goes into my savings because I JUST paid my sister off.  I'm excited to get out on my own, but I also feel stressed.  I have basically three weeks to get this shit figured out.  Things will come together, though -- they always do.

My poison ivy has, for some reason, spread ALL over my body.  I'm not complaining, though.  I'm just making an observation.  I don't really care, I guess, as long as it doesn't stay forever. 

I had a really nice talk on the phone with R last night.  I am so...infatuated with him.  I mean, let's be real, I've known him less than two months.  I think about him all the time, I love everything about him, and I think he's the best thing since sliced bread.  Memories of him make me swoon, hearing his voice makes me all weak in the knees, and when he texts me something sweet, I light up inside.  This is love, in its own way.  It's not the same kind of love that will develop over months and years of getting inside the other's head, experiencing hardship and joy together, and interacting on a regular basis -- but it's a very good foundation.  I have vowed to, from the very start, be the very best girlfriend I can be so that one day down the road I am not stuck wondering what would have happened if I would have tried harder, or wishing I could start over and do it right.  This is my one chance, and I'm making the best of it.  He makes it so easy because he's so wonderful.  :)

I didn't even explain what's been going on with Tristan.  As predicted in previous entries, my brother and his wife ARE going for custody.  It just so happened that Tristan's dad sued for custody, and everyone was so worried about him winning that we did what we had to do.  I gave them guardianship,  then they filed a motion for custody.  I feel like it was the lesser evil, although I am NOT by any means happy about it.  Of course I'm left wondering if they planned on doing this regardless, but now I'll never know.  It makes me a little angry at his dad, because if he hadn't messed everything up, they would have had no excuse not to let Tristan come back to me at the end of the school year.  When they get custody, they will use him as a tool against me, as leverage to make me comply with their wishes.  They will impose their ideas of parenting on ME, and withold my child from me if I don't follow along with their guidelines.  I really wish I had a dependable lawyer.  This is not the time for me to afford one, though, and they know it.  My hands are tied and I'm pissed. 

However, I'm not going to blame the two of them for the pickle I'm in.  This was MY doing.  If I hadn't stayed with N, they'd never have offered to "take him for a few months" to begin with.  Or if they had, I'd have had no reason to allow it, because all of my attention would have been on him.  I wanted to believe them because I wanted to be like a stupid teenager in love shoved so far up her boyfriend's ass she couldn't see the light of day.  That sounds a bit harsh.  I was just desperate for love, so desperate that I overlooked and underestimated the purest love a woman can have.  I already WAS loved, with the simple adoration of my child.  And I threw it away for a toxic man.  Shit, this makes my heart hurt.  :(

I, am willing and able...so I, throw my cards on your table...

Good morning, beautiful world!  The sun is shining, I have coffee in my cup, the kids are playing, and yesterday I got a lot better at the hula hoop tricks I've been practicing.  By next Peace Fest, I'm going to be AWESOME!  On top of all THAT, I am in love with the most compassionate, intelligent, funny, interesting, creative man on the planet and I miss him soooooooooooo much. 

He lives about 4 hours away and we have only been able to see each other every other weekend, so it's been rough -- but I believe it happened that way for a good reason.  I have definite trust issues (as I'm sure you can imagine) and this situation places a big emphasis on trust.  It is truly the one factor that will make or break us at this stage in the game.  I took a huge gamble and decided to just trust him, what else can I do?  I can't waste my life worrying about what he's doing, analyzing everything he says and does to try to determine whether he's telling the truth, lying awake in bed paranoid about the ways he could be betraying me.  I believe he's sincere.  If he's not, I can't say it wouldn't devastate me.  But if I'm going to be in this relationship, I have to give it my very best shot.  He deserves that much.  Besides, he's also going out on a limb for ME -- I am, after all, living in my ex-husband's basement.  I know that R has nothing to worry about, but HE has no way of knowing that.  He just has to trust me.  I imagine that would be pretty difficult.

I am, however, extremely grateful that B was kind enough to even let me stay here for a couple months.  It wasn't the original plan -- I had a room lined up right after Project HEAL ended that I was going to rent from this woman.  It was really awesome and I was so excited.  I gave her the $600 to move in, and the weekend I was supposed to move, she told me she couldn't rent to me.  It's a really long story but the bottom line is, it was a scam.  SHE was renting a room in that house from someone else and screwing people out of money!  I could take her to small claims court -- as a matter of fact, I SHOULD -- but I just didn't.  Anyway, my 6 months was over with HEAL and I had just lost the only savings I had, since I just had to buy a new car.  So B offered to let me stay here while I save up the money I need for my own place again.

My sister has been helping me manage my money, which has made all the difference.  I finally had to accept that I am just unable to be responsible with money.  I mean, I have tried, but all it takes is ONE moment of weakness to undo weeks of discipline.  What she does is transfers my whole check except for gas money and a $50 allowance each week into her bank account.  It was with that savings that I was able to buy a new car when mine totally died.  I had a blown gasket, apparently.  And some fan belt thing.  Whatever it was, the mechanic said it was not worth fixing so I had to get rides to and from work from my sister, mom, and brother in law while I saved my money to get another car.

I am still involved with the sister circle, although I kind of fell back when my car died.  I had just started breaking out of my shell and feeling comfortable socializing with other people, then that happened.  For some reason it just threw me right back into hermit mode and I'm only now struggling to fight my way back out into the real world.  I love people, I NEED people -- but left to my own devices, I end up so socially isolated that it's a hard feat to turn it around. 

I did tarot readings at a little fund raising thing Juliea had up at the office.  I was very nervous because even though I have been reading for MYSELF for 12 years and close friends for 4 years, I am not very good at reading for people I don't know.  It's a completely different process for me.  Instead of bailing on her like I did 8 years ago when she asked me to do readings at a jewelry party, I welcomed the opportunity to get some practice.  After all, I'm never going to get better if I don't venture out of my comfort zone at some point and just DO it, GET comfortable with it.  On the whole, I didn't do nearly as badly as I feared I would do.  I at least figured out what my weaknesses were and identified a few areas I could improve on.  It was fun, and the girls responded much more warmly than I anticipated.

I have been running with my sister and I did my first 5k EVER with her about 2 weeks ago.  I finished!  It was even longer than the traditional 3.1 miles, but I did the whole damn thing and felt SO GOOD!  It was called Glow in the Park, so it was at night.  They gave us glow in the dark body paint, glowstick necklaces, and finger blinkies (I tied mine on my shoelaces).  Then, as we went around the track, they threw glow powder on us and squirted us with glow water.  Plus, there were DJs playing good, dancey beats which made a huge difference.  I loved it!  I have lost only 4 pounds since my 6 week checkup, which is frustrating but my clothes do fit much better.  I have been trying to eat right and stay determined.  I went off the birth control pill to help me lose weight, but.....I should probably start taking that again. 

I had a scare -- N showed up right before Memorial Day weekend and stole my birth control pills.  (Or, "forgot they were in his pocket" -- what were they doing there in the first place????)  He brought them back 3 days later and tried to impregnate me.  Oh, I only WISH I was making this up...I can't believe how crazy he really is.  Honestly.  Anyway, to make a long and twisted story short, I missed my period.  In fact, I completely skipped one period and JUST had it two weeks ago.  As you can probably imagine, I was TERRIFIED.  I was sure that I was pregnant, so I did this trick I had read about where you megadose on Vitamin C for 3 days.  I took a 500mg pill every hour for 3 days and I still didn't get it.  However, when I got it the following week, it was...well I was going to describe it but that might be too graphic.  Let's just say that maybe the Vitamin C DID work, after all.  In any case, I'm not pregnant. 

Well, I'm going to go hang out with the kids for a while, so adios!

The reason I hold on....is I need this hole gone....

I have more good news regarding my life.  My feelings about my long sought after success are a little strange and surprising to me, but more on that later.  I have been temping at this insurance company since October, and I continue to apply for permanent positions within the company.  I kept getting rejected.  Finally, instead of getting the "Thank you for your interest in the position but we have decided to pursue more qualified candidates" email, I got one asking me to complete pre-employment testing!  After I completed that, I got a call asking to schedule a telephone interview and an application packet to fill out.  Getting hired in to this company is really involved and there are a lot of steps -- they even check your credit.  I AM a little nervous about that part, because mine isn't really  that good.  But, it will be what it is meant to be and I have no control over what's going to happen at this point.

I did my phone interview yesterday and I feel like I did great!  I'm so glad I prepared by taking notes.  He told me they would be making some decisions Monday.  The position starts August 5, so I should be hearing something soon.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed!  This would be so great for me -- I'd finally have insurance, so I could get my teeth fixed.  I'd have 3 weeks of paid vacation just for the FIRST year, a 401k, profit sharing...it is a dream come true.  I feel like my life is really going somewhere.

But, here's my dirty little secret.  Now that it seems that I am about to gain the stability I have been seeking for so long, I really don't want it.  Don't take that the wrong way -- I WANT to make money, I DO NOT want to struggle or depend on assistance from the government or family to survive, I want to be self-sufficient.  However, the thought of a 9-5 life with 2.5 kids in the suburbs with a mini-van bores me to tears.  That is not LIFE!  I want to make money doing something that I'm passionate about, something that stimulates me and the people I work with.  Something that makes a difference and nourishes my soul.  Something that does NOT involve a cubicle and a set schedule.  I am going to feel like a caged little bird.  I hate routine.  However, if this is what I need to do, this is what I'm going to do.  I'm just not nearly as excited about it as I should be, because along with the exciting thoughts about being able to move forward in life, I also have this dread about being tied down.  Another cog in the wheel, another brick in  the wall.

I guess I already AM part of the corporate machine in a way, but being a temp is different.  However, the benefits outweigh the drawbacks for sure.

I went to Peace Fest this year, it was fantastic!  It was weird because I missed it last year and kept dreaming about it all year long.  It was more than just a recurring dream, it was like it was stuck on repeat and I couldn't change the track.  It was an annoyance.  I couldn't figure out why I kept dreaming about it so much -- the dreams started when I was with Noe and they'd always start out pretty much the same way.  We'd be walking through the woods and happen upon Peace Fest in full swing.  We'd come out into this clearing which directly connected us to the field where the vendors are set up and the bands play.  With excitement, I'd start showing him around and introducing him to people.  In one dream, we sat on the grass and watched a girl do hula hoop tricks but I remember in that dream I was very insecure because I felt like he was more attracted to her than he was to me.  I never really SAW him in the dream, I just had that sense that he was the one next to me.  And maybe he was, I don't know -- but in real life, I brought R and it was pretty amazing.  If I had brought N, he would have ruined the whole thing for me. 

One thing I have realized about him is that he is obsessed with WOMEN.  A man who is so preoccupied with WOMEN can never be satisfied with just one woman.  He's always looking for the next best thing, and before he even has THAT, his eyes are still roaming for the next NEXT best thing.  Nothing and no one is ever good enough to keep his interest, and that makes me a little sad for him.  It made me VERY sad to be WITH him, though -- knowing that his interest in me had already faded and I would never be enough.  Wherever we went, I felt invisible.  He was so worried about checking out the other "options on the menu" that I took a backseat.  He would rather go "be intimate with himself" and his phone in the bathroom than actually have sex with me.  He cared more about the pursuit of something new than appreciating what he already had.  And that, my friends, was hurtful.  I felt worthless.

But enough thinking about the past, I don't live there anymore!  Be here now.  And HERE is a good place to be.  It isn't perfect, but nothing is.  And I'm happy.  :)

Isn't someone missing me....

It's been a long time!  Before I delve into the details of my wonderful life, I'll recap what has been happening in the last 5 months.

First, regarding the adoption.  My emotions have run the gamut, alternating from acceptance to heart-wrenching sorrowful regret.  I have felt ambivalent, I have felt guilty, I have felt sure that I did the wrong thing, I have felt angry that I was not able to keep her, I have felt jealousy toward the adoptive parents, I have felt joy for the love she has and the beautiful family she belongs to, I have felt selfish, I have felt proud, I have felt wrong, I have felt right.  I have heard that grief is a cycle, and the emotions you experience while enduring this endless cycle do fluctuate.  However, things HAVE gotten better with time.  Better?  Easier?  I'm not sure if either of those words really apply.

It's more appropriate to say that while I still have all of the same feelings, none of them are as VIBRANT as they once were.  Immediately following the adoption, everything was still so fresh in my mind.  It was like the paint of the experience had just been applied to the canvas of my life and it was still bright, wet.  It is drying and fading now, but it still has all the same colors it did before.  Does that make sense, or did that make things more confusing?  Anyway, I'll never be the same, I'll never be "over it", and I was quite mistaken to think that placing my baby for adoption was just something I could do and then move on with my life.  This experience has become interwoven into the tapestry of who I am.  There is no separating me from this, no moving on, no forgetting.  I'm not saying that's a totally bad thing.  It is what it is.  I guess I'm just saying that I'm surprised by the way it has affected my life.

I am pleased to report that I am finally, truly, irrevocable DONE with N.  I know I said that over and over again, and you still have no idea how many times I'd catch myself falling into the same trap, even knowing there was no happiness waiting for me there.  I began to worry that I'd never truly be free of him, despite how much I hated myself when I was with him and how much I resented his very presence.  He was an infection, a disease.  I still can't tell you what made me continue to allow him into my life.  It's still honestly a mystery to me why and how he had such power over me long after his true colors had become apparent to me.

I mean, it's SICK, really.  Toward the end...the END end, I mean....he wasn't even trying to pretend that I was the only one, that he truly loved me.  He wasn't even bothering to pull the wool over my eyes anymore (even though I had seen through it all along anyway).  He was blatantly IN his marriage, and still sleeping with me.  When I asked if they were together, if he lived with her, if he had sex with her before coming over...he didn't even deny it.  He no longer claimed he'd leave her for me.  He stopped acting sorry for hurting me.  He ditched the act of sympathy for me and regret for his mistakes.  The mask completely slipped, revealing the hideous monster beneath...yet I STILL.COULDN'T.LET.GO.  I didn't enjoy the sex anymore, I didn't feel an ounce of happiness, there was nothing left for me.  Yet somehow, I always ended up letting him in.

Finally, I met someone.  Someone different, someone amazing.  You would think that it's so wonderful for me that I have finally found a man who values me, appreciates me, cherishes me, and respects me.  It would seem like a happy ending that I have ended up with a love I am worthy of.  But to my chagrin, it is only now that I am with someone with a heart that I realize how very damaged I am.  The way I approach people, my thought processes, my reactions, my assumptions, my feelings....for the first time, reflected in the mirror of my love, I can see how twisted they have all become.  I am filled with sorrow at the thought that I may have become too damaged to love him the way he deserves.  What if, now that I have finally found a man worth being a good woman for, I find that I am no longer CAPABLE of being a good woman because I have been ruined by a bad man?  Is that possible?  I want to have hope, to have faith in us.  Can the broken pieces be mended?  Can the cracks be filled?

I feel angry that I wasted the best of me on that psychopath.  It was so easy for me to be wonderful to him, and I guess I just assumed that when I started a new relationship, I'd be the same girl I was when I got with N.  But I'm not.  I'm bitter, paranoid, cynical, delusional, gun shy, insecure, volatile.  Is that girl gone?  Can I get her back?

"I wish I could buy back, the woman you stole" -- The Yeah Yeah Yeahs