Liberation

This time off from work -- from the world -- has been essential for my personal spiritual evolution.  I have been growing, and some of it has been painful.  But today has been a day of epiphanies.  I have been focusing on positive self-talk, correcting my thoughts when I think something negative.  I never realized how much I do that!  Just this morning I was in the shower thinking that life is "back-loaded".  When we are children, we get all the easy stuff.  It's a time of playing, no responsibilities, minor issues.  Then, as adults, we get all the problems. 

Immediately I stopped myself and said, no, life doesn't suck when you get older.  Your challenges grow as you grow, and each is an opportunity to make you a better person.  Maybe the biggest problem we had when we were two years old was a toy being stolen by a sibling -- but having known no greater problems, that WAS a big deal to us then.  Just because we can look at that situation NOW, in our current perspective, and see that it was trivial doesn't change the fact that at the time, it was major.  The same thing goes for judging the struggles of others through our own lens.  Perhaps a friend has lost a pet and is devastated.  For them, that could be the worst thing that has ever happened to them.  It makes no difference if you have lost several close family members and think this person is overreacting because it could be so much worse -- if they have known no greater sorrow, what do they have to compare it to?  We must honor and respect that at that moment, they are truly experiencing the greatest pain they have ever felt and we can't diminish it just because we would react differently if it happened to us.

Oh, I'm on a roll!  (Call me butter...hahaha)  But before I explain my next epiphany, let me just say that I did not wake up this way.  Yesterday I didn't eat anything except half of a shamrock shake.  Well, I don't know if that counts as eating.  I don't remember if I ate the day before or not, but the day before THAT I forced myself to eat an English muffin with turkey and cheese on it.  Anyway, my point is that I have had no appetite.  I thought it was iron deficiency, so I've been taking my iron.  As of last night, still nothing.  I woke up with no appetite.  I did some research and came to the conclusion that it was PPD.  I haven't been sleeping, either.  I took a Risperdal last night just so I could sleep, and I was still up by 7 -- but I couldn't get out of bed until after ten.  I just didn't want to face the day.

Then I started giving myself a little pep talk.  I have this mantra stuck to my refrigerator which says, "All is well.  Everything is working out for my highest good.  Nothing but good will come of this situation.  I am safe."  I said that a few times.  I told myself today was going to be a great day.  I talked myself into getting in the shower (still, at LEAST a ten minute argument with myself).  Afterwards, I put on makeup.  I concentrated on telling myself that I am beautiful, and the more I said it, the more I started to see myself that way.  After that, my energy was scattered -- my brain wanted to do a hundred things at once, and for a while I was rendered immobile.  I knew I needed to meditate, do laundry, put away dishes, call the benefits department, go to the library, make coffee, and eat something.  I would go to tackle one task, then I would decide to move on to another, at which point I would change my mind and start yet ANOTHER -- the end result was a bunch of things in progress, nothing accomplished.  So I made a list and talked sternly to myself -- okay, first you are going to gather up all your dirty laundry.  Then, when you are done with THAT, you are going to put on the coffee -- while that's brewing, find something to eat.  After you eat and have coffee, you are going to meditate.  When you finish THAT, you are going to the library.  Well, here I am.  Amazingly.

I found this amazing Deva Premal chant CD which I downloaded to my phone for chanting during meditation.  It is called, "Mantras for Precarious Times".  It has a chant for healing, peace, joy and bliss, removing obstacles, and liberation.  It just so happened by coincidence that liberation was the one next on the list to do today.  I put my hands around my potted ivy with the quartz planted in the soil as I chanted.  I swear, when I was finished, I could SEE the energy reverberating around my hands and the ivy.  I felt AMAZING.  I haven't been the same since then!  I have been thinking all of these really helpful things, like I have some kind of a guru living in my head all of a sudden.  This brings me to my next epiphany.

Since the birth of Sienna, I have felt a hole inside of me.  I am desperate to fill it, but I have been at a loss.  Nothing brings comfort.  I feel empty and it is a very uncomfortable feeling -- I tried lavishing extra love on my other two children over the weekend, but that did not work.  I will admit that I thought that N could be the solution.  I thought he was the only one in the world who could understand how I feel, and talking to him might make me feel whole again.  That maybe only he could comfort me.  I realized, though, that NO ONE knows how I feel.  N did not carry Sienna in his womb for nine months.  N was not at the hospital to see either the happiness OR the pain.  He simultaneously does not understand the depth of my grieving OR the scope of my joy.  No one can.  That thought was a little scary -- it terrifies me to be alone in ANYTHING.  But having accepted that, I am one step closer to my liberation.

Then I started thinking.  Nothing and no one can fill this hole -- it just has to heal, which takes time.  There is no shortcut.  Then I thought -- or the little guru in my head said -- if I had a physical hole in my body, a bullet hole in my chest or something, would I expect anyone to be able to fix THAT, just by being around them?  I mean, it could be stitched up, but the wound would still be there.  No one and nothing can erase a physical wound -- it just needs to heal.  So why would I expect any different for an emotional wound?  Time.