Gratitude

Allow me to take a moment to express how grateful I am for the abundance I am now experiencing in my life.  I am in a state of awe and amazement.

After Sienna was born, Juliea (my doula) brought me home from the hospital.  My apartment was immaculately clean and it had even been decorated.  It had such a feeling of peace and comfort that I had not felt there before.  (Remember, I was just blogging about how much I hated my apartment?  Well, now I LOVE it!!!).  One of the sisters did all my laundry.  Another brought over groceries.  Two of them did the cleaning and decorating.  Yet ANOTHER came by a few days later with a van FULL of things donated by people she had organized -- soap, shampoo, clothes for myself and my children, shoes, toys, art supplies, food, dishes -- I was overwhelmed.  Today, I got a card and a $100 gift card for Walmart from the people I work with.  People have been reaching out to me from all areas of my life to tell me how much they love me -- it means so much.

I am honestly a little uncomfortable with all this.  I don't know how to handle it!  As I process my reaction to the outpouring of love I am receiving, I have a chance to evaluate my "self-talk".  I notice that little voice in the back of my mind saying, "I don't deserve this, I don't deserve this".  I am attentive to the feeling that overcomes me when I am around one of these amazing women, a feeling that communicates, "I am not good enough to hang out with you".  Whenever someone offers to do something for me, I think, "I am not worthy".  What is going on with this?  How did my mind get so warped that a constant sense of inadequacy permeates throughout my being?  When did this start?  HOW did it start?  I am really struggling to value myself, but it's very hard.  I am trying to establish a sense of self-worth, but I feel like I am fighting against years of conditioning.  I didn't even notice it was happening.  It helps me, also, to appreciate how difficult it is to change -- even when you WANT to change, even when you recognize the NEED to change.  Once patterns have been established, it's very difficult to break free of them.  I should be mindful of this the next time I think that N or anyone like him can just change into the person I deserve to be with. 

The night I came home from the hospital, I went to the sister circle with Juliea.  I really needed it -- we went over a stone and an herb, which were both very relevant to my current needs.  The stone was snowflake obsidian, and the herb was ginger.  Then we did a guided meditation featuring Kwan Yin (I put a picture of her on the previous entry).  It was all about healing.  I allowed a feeling of peace to settle over me and basked in the warmth of unconditional love pouring onto me from the universe.  One of the girls at the circle gave me a basket with some towels and  things in it.  Another girl gave me a HUGE bag of bathroom and hair supplies -- she does hair, so it had some really good stuff in it. 

When I got home from the circle, I went over to my coffee table.  Juliea had put my tarot cards inside a little wooden bowl, and I noticed that the deck was face-up, and the card on top was Sacrifice -- Kuan Yin.  (My deck has a different goddess on each of the major arcana cards).  This was significant, since we had just done the Kuan Yin meditation.  Not only that, but one night after N and I had been fighting horribly, he asked me to do a reading.  It was after I had left once and come back because I had nowhere to go.  He wanted to know what was going to happen with us and the baby.  The outcome card was Sacrifice.  It's especially significant because Kuan Yin is depicted on this card holding a baby -- and may I say, the baby in the picture looks a LOT like Sienna!  I knew instantly what it meant.  I tried to come up with some other explanation for N, like to say that we would have to make a sacrifice for the greater good in order to be happy together.  But I knew.

When everything seems to be going right in your life, you are in harmony with the universe.  That's how I know I am making the right choices right now.  When I was with N, it was like one thing after another kept going wrong.  Those are signs to pay attention to also -- when everything seems to be going wrong, you might want to start making different choices.

I went over to Juliea's yesterday and she made me a tea to help promote healing and drying my milk up.  My boobs were rock hard and I hadn't been able to sleep the night before because I was in so much pain.  I sat and cried for a while because it was a painful reminder that I did not have my baby.  I am okay, though.  I will be okay, I just have to be strong. 

Don't ever let anyone tell you placing a baby for adoption is easy -- not that anyone would imagine that it would be.  I'm just saying, even when it's the right thing to do -- even when it's beautiful and amazing and joyful, it is still HARD at times.  You can simultaneously be happy that you were a part of something so wonderful and sad because you love your baby so much and it hurts to be apart from her.  Juliea hooked me up with the name of a holistic counselor who takes Medicaid -- she even offers yoga classes!  I set up an appointment, so hopefully she will be able to teach me ways of coping with and healing from this.  Also, I have information on my refrigerator about a birth mother support group.

I went to my sister's house last night for dinner and felt like some wall which had been between us had come down.  I'm not entirely sure why it was there before, maybe it was something I had put up to protect myself.  After all, I never held her baby any of the times I came over before, and yesterday I finally held him.  He's so handsome.  :)  I had really walled myself off for a long time from everyone, but I feel like the events as of late have melted the icy shield that was protecting me. 

I was right when I predicted that I would never be the same -- I just had no idea what an amazing thing that was.