Confusion

The picture doesn't exactly describe confusion, but it IS a pretty good representation of how I feel right now.  Maybe.  I don't know.  Well, I have the good, the bad, and the ugly to talk about.  I'll start with the good.

Last week Wednesday, I had an appointment with this new counselor that Juliea recommended.  She's AWESOME.  I'm so glad things lined up the way they did for me to be able to meet her -- she's very nice, down to earth, and takes a holistic approach.  She's primarily concerned with getting to the root cause of the symptoms and healing the original wound, which is only logical.  She did say that there are times when medication is necessary, but she believes in exhausting all other options first, doing the inner work and taking that as far as it will take you. 

I was there for nearly two hours, although I spent most of that time talking.  Even when I think I'm in a depressed state, for some reason when I am put on the spot and asked questions I seem to flip right into the manic pressured speech racing thoughts interrupting myself to talk about something else and forgetting where I started.  I was so embarrassed, as I always am when I can't SHUT UP, but the little voice in the back of my head that tells me, "Stop talking stop talking stop talking" would eventually come through and I would just STOP.  Mid-sentence.  She must have thought I was so strange.

I explained a little (or a lot) about my life, what's going on now, what I've been through in the past.  She already gave me some good advice.  She suggested making a sankalpa at the beginning of each day -- a daily intention that you set for that day.  It could be something like being peaceful, or being strong, or being grateful.  She also suggested that I have something, a piece of jewelry or another object, which would remind me to bring myself back to the present when I see it.  I chose to use my bracelet from Sienna's parents -- whenever I look at it, I ask myself, "Where is my breath?".  It is supposed to help keep you in the here and now.  She also told me that I am too caught up in my story -- but that's not who I am.  That part kind of confused me, because isn't the essence of our personality basically just a compilation of the choices we have made and the actions we have taken?  Doesn't our story portray who we are?  If I am not what I have done and the result of what has happened to me, then who AM I?  I sense an identity crisis on the horizon!

I also got a new yoga DVD which is supposed to balance all of your chakras.  It's called Kundalini Yoga -- Journey Through the Chakras.  I'm very excited to try it, although I have been a bit...stuck lately.

Oh, who am I kidding????  I KNOW why my energy is suddenly blocked and I have the sense of inertia and hopelessness that haunted me before I had Sienna.  It's because I'm talking to him again!  I was having a weak and vulnerable moment.  I just really missed Sienna.  I was heartbroken and I withdrew from everyone because I didn't want to put my grief and sorrow on anyone else.  Then he contacted me, saying he needed a hug from someone who understood how he felt.  He said he needed me, because I was the only one who knew what he was going through.  The thought that someone else might know the pain I was feeling was appealing.  I wanted comfort and couldn't find solace within, or without.  I know right now I'm trying to justify doing something I knew better than to do.  There really isn't any excuse.  Why would I think that he could feel things like I do?  Or that he could understand?  I think this was just another hook to reel me in.  He knew exactly which weakness to appeal to, and I was stupid enough to fall for it.

Furthermore, I found that talking to him did NOT take the pain away -- in fact, it made things more complicated.  He doesn't view the situation in the same way I do, and his idea of a solution is the opposite of mine.  So this gives me inner turmoil and conflicting emotions where I already have enough on my plate.  He thinks if he tries to get Sienna back, it will make everything all better.  He thinks the source of my pain is missing my baby, so the solution to my pain is returning my baby to me.  I keep trying to explain that it just isn't that simple.  That although I am heartbroken, that doesn't mean I've changed my mind.  That even though I'm sad, I don't regret it.  That even though I miss my baby, I DON'T want him to get her back -- because then, maybe I won't be suffering, but SHE will.  If it has to be one of us, I'd rather it be me.  As her mother, it's my responsibility to protect her from harm -- and if that means that I must hurt so she does not, that's what I will do.  He doesn't get that.  He'd rather let her suffer so he doesn't have to.  Selfish.

So yesterday I realized I was getting sucked in again and I knew I had to act fast.  I remembered Juliea suggesting that I make a list of reasons why I shouldn't call him in case I was ever tempted.  I didn't do it, because I thought it wouldn't be necessary -- I know all of those reasons, I could just as easily make a mental list.  But since that hadn't worked so far, I decided to give it a try.  What harm could it do?

By the time I got to reason #33, I was pissed off and would have run him over with my car if he crossed the street in front of me.  Okay, so it wasn't exactly like that -- it was more like writing each horrible thing down reenacted the experience in my mind, and in my heart -- I went through all the feelings I experienced each time he hurt me, all over again.  I was a wreck.  I cried for hours.  I felt betrayed, wounded, shocked, alone, deceived, abandoned, bullied, and humiliated as I processed each of these memories.  It was almost too much for me to handle.  I realized that I have been repressing all of this stuff because to confront any of these things brought more pain than I could bear, so I buried them all deep.  When I dug them up and looked at them again, I wasn't okay for a really long time.  In fact, I'm still a little messed up. 

That's the bad.  The ugly is that my family has been lying to me and going behind my back, and I have a really sick uneasy intuition about this whole thing with my son.  I found copies of the papers we all signed to get guardianship for my brother and his wife, which my brother only approached me about MAYBE a month ago.  On my mom's, my brother's, and his wife's, there was an extra point which was conveniently NOT included on mine.  It said, "Pixie is apparently in an abusive and violent relationship with her new significant other."  I asked my mom why it said that, and she kept lying.  I texted my sister in law to ask HER, and SHE kept lying.  They gave me all kinds of different stories that didn't add up -- first my mom said the papers had been drawn up when I still WAS in an abusive relationship.  Still doesn't explain why MINE is the only one missing that sentence!  AND, does that mean that my brother and his wife were already planning on getting guardianship, behind my back?  Because I left him in October!  Then my mom said when I was in the hospital with my kidney infection, my dad had told them they needed legal standing.  That was in October.  When my sister in law texted back, she told me it said that because the papers were drawn up in January and I was with him.  I told her no, I left in October.  Then she said, well he was stalking you and breaking in, and that was a relationship even though you weren't with him.  Then she said, maybe it wasn't January.  The papers were drawn up when you called the cops on him.  (That was the beginning of February, and since I moved to get away from him, I don't think anyone was under the impression that he was my SIGNIFICANT OTHER!!!)

Finally I just lost it.  They all suck at lying anyway and I have no patience for being lied to to my face when I know better.  So I just said to my mom that I wished someone would have the decency and the courage (I wanted to say BALLS) to just tell me the TRUTH!!!  To top it all off, I never got to talk to my son that night before bed.  My brother claims he called three times and texted, I never got anything.  Then he said, "It's a 419 number, right?"  No, that's my old number.  And since he has texted AND called me on my current phone number, I recognized that for the load of shit that it was.

I hate to sound paranoid saying everyone's out to get me, but damn.  I just don't trust anyone anymore.