Sadness

I don't like focusing on negativity.  If I'm going to be honest about my feelings, though, I have to acknowledge the bad along with the good.  I guess I just never predicted that I would feel so sad, since I knew I was making the right choice.  It has surprised me a little at how heartbroken I still feel.  In addition, this heartbreak tears open old wounds from things that I thought I left behind me.  It's all coming at me at once, and it's hard to function.

The doctor prescribed Zoloft for me, but I don't think it's kicking in yet.  I can't eat.  I can't sleep, although I'm tired all the time.  I have to have a ten minute argument with myself standing in the bathroom before I can even force myself to get in the shower.  Worst of all, I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about how I feel.  After all, everyone has done so much for me.  They all love and support me so much.  Why should I repay all the positivity with whining and crying?  I just don't want to be an emotional drain on any of these bright, shining, loving people.  I feel like I have to be strong for everyone because they are so proud of me for being strong.  But inside, I'm falling apart.

I have court coming up on Thursday for my son.  THEN, I have court the FOLLOWING Thursday for Sienna.  I'm a nervous wreck.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I finally came to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do at this point.  I just have to let go and trust that everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to. 

The thing about being depressed is I don't feel like doing anything.  I can't think of anything to say, no book sounds interesting to read, no food sounds appetizing to eat, no activity sounds fulfilling to engage in.  Everything loses its sparkle, and I start to look at the world like...what's the point?  I know I have to hang in there though.  Everything is going to be okay.