Grief (another poem)

The world keeps turning
Life goes on
But how can mine?
My baby's gone

Lost and helpless
So alone
I wish I had
A heart of stone

And I am weeping
Drown my pain
A sea of tears
Torrential rain

It leaves a vacuum
Not a hole
Engulfing me
My very soul

Pray to Heaven
No relief
If there's a Hell
It feels like Grief.

Poetry

All is NOT well.  Among several other things, I discovered today that I have developed a uterine infection.  Lovely!!!  I noticed this nasty smell a few days ago.  It wouldn't go away...then last night I was really hot, and today I have the chills.  So I called the doctor and I have to go pick up some antibiotics.  FML!  On top of THAT, I went to the circus with the kids today.  I thought having some fun would help.  Maybe it would have, but everywhere I looked I saw BABIES.  I freaked out and started bawling, in front of the kids and everything.   Also I wrote a poem.  Haven't done that in a while.

I'm sick of feeling lonely
Tired of being bored
Don't want to be mistreated
Can't stand to be ignored

I'm searching for a savior
Begging for a break
I'm pondering the question:
How much can I take?

I'm managing the anger
I'm living with the shame
I cover up the damage
It doesn't look the same

I'm screaming to the heavens
And I don't even pray
Knowing that I'm broken
I'll never be okay

I'm dancing like a puppet
For a crowd I'll never please
Until my strings are broken
And I've fallen to my knees

Nothing brings me comfort
And peace can not be found
Crying out for rescue
But your ears don't hear a sound.

Confusion

The picture doesn't exactly describe confusion, but it IS a pretty good representation of how I feel right now.  Maybe.  I don't know.  Well, I have the good, the bad, and the ugly to talk about.  I'll start with the good.

Last week Wednesday, I had an appointment with this new counselor that Juliea recommended.  She's AWESOME.  I'm so glad things lined up the way they did for me to be able to meet her -- she's very nice, down to earth, and takes a holistic approach.  She's primarily concerned with getting to the root cause of the symptoms and healing the original wound, which is only logical.  She did say that there are times when medication is necessary, but she believes in exhausting all other options first, doing the inner work and taking that as far as it will take you. 

I was there for nearly two hours, although I spent most of that time talking.  Even when I think I'm in a depressed state, for some reason when I am put on the spot and asked questions I seem to flip right into the manic pressured speech racing thoughts interrupting myself to talk about something else and forgetting where I started.  I was so embarrassed, as I always am when I can't SHUT UP, but the little voice in the back of my head that tells me, "Stop talking stop talking stop talking" would eventually come through and I would just STOP.  Mid-sentence.  She must have thought I was so strange.

I explained a little (or a lot) about my life, what's going on now, what I've been through in the past.  She already gave me some good advice.  She suggested making a sankalpa at the beginning of each day -- a daily intention that you set for that day.  It could be something like being peaceful, or being strong, or being grateful.  She also suggested that I have something, a piece of jewelry or another object, which would remind me to bring myself back to the present when I see it.  I chose to use my bracelet from Sienna's parents -- whenever I look at it, I ask myself, "Where is my breath?".  It is supposed to help keep you in the here and now.  She also told me that I am too caught up in my story -- but that's not who I am.  That part kind of confused me, because isn't the essence of our personality basically just a compilation of the choices we have made and the actions we have taken?  Doesn't our story portray who we are?  If I am not what I have done and the result of what has happened to me, then who AM I?  I sense an identity crisis on the horizon!

I also got a new yoga DVD which is supposed to balance all of your chakras.  It's called Kundalini Yoga -- Journey Through the Chakras.  I'm very excited to try it, although I have been a bit...stuck lately.

Oh, who am I kidding????  I KNOW why my energy is suddenly blocked and I have the sense of inertia and hopelessness that haunted me before I had Sienna.  It's because I'm talking to him again!  I was having a weak and vulnerable moment.  I just really missed Sienna.  I was heartbroken and I withdrew from everyone because I didn't want to put my grief and sorrow on anyone else.  Then he contacted me, saying he needed a hug from someone who understood how he felt.  He said he needed me, because I was the only one who knew what he was going through.  The thought that someone else might know the pain I was feeling was appealing.  I wanted comfort and couldn't find solace within, or without.  I know right now I'm trying to justify doing something I knew better than to do.  There really isn't any excuse.  Why would I think that he could feel things like I do?  Or that he could understand?  I think this was just another hook to reel me in.  He knew exactly which weakness to appeal to, and I was stupid enough to fall for it.

Furthermore, I found that talking to him did NOT take the pain away -- in fact, it made things more complicated.  He doesn't view the situation in the same way I do, and his idea of a solution is the opposite of mine.  So this gives me inner turmoil and conflicting emotions where I already have enough on my plate.  He thinks if he tries to get Sienna back, it will make everything all better.  He thinks the source of my pain is missing my baby, so the solution to my pain is returning my baby to me.  I keep trying to explain that it just isn't that simple.  That although I am heartbroken, that doesn't mean I've changed my mind.  That even though I'm sad, I don't regret it.  That even though I miss my baby, I DON'T want him to get her back -- because then, maybe I won't be suffering, but SHE will.  If it has to be one of us, I'd rather it be me.  As her mother, it's my responsibility to protect her from harm -- and if that means that I must hurt so she does not, that's what I will do.  He doesn't get that.  He'd rather let her suffer so he doesn't have to.  Selfish.

So yesterday I realized I was getting sucked in again and I knew I had to act fast.  I remembered Juliea suggesting that I make a list of reasons why I shouldn't call him in case I was ever tempted.  I didn't do it, because I thought it wouldn't be necessary -- I know all of those reasons, I could just as easily make a mental list.  But since that hadn't worked so far, I decided to give it a try.  What harm could it do?

By the time I got to reason #33, I was pissed off and would have run him over with my car if he crossed the street in front of me.  Okay, so it wasn't exactly like that -- it was more like writing each horrible thing down reenacted the experience in my mind, and in my heart -- I went through all the feelings I experienced each time he hurt me, all over again.  I was a wreck.  I cried for hours.  I felt betrayed, wounded, shocked, alone, deceived, abandoned, bullied, and humiliated as I processed each of these memories.  It was almost too much for me to handle.  I realized that I have been repressing all of this stuff because to confront any of these things brought more pain than I could bear, so I buried them all deep.  When I dug them up and looked at them again, I wasn't okay for a really long time.  In fact, I'm still a little messed up. 

That's the bad.  The ugly is that my family has been lying to me and going behind my back, and I have a really sick uneasy intuition about this whole thing with my son.  I found copies of the papers we all signed to get guardianship for my brother and his wife, which my brother only approached me about MAYBE a month ago.  On my mom's, my brother's, and his wife's, there was an extra point which was conveniently NOT included on mine.  It said, "Pixie is apparently in an abusive and violent relationship with her new significant other."  I asked my mom why it said that, and she kept lying.  I texted my sister in law to ask HER, and SHE kept lying.  They gave me all kinds of different stories that didn't add up -- first my mom said the papers had been drawn up when I still WAS in an abusive relationship.  Still doesn't explain why MINE is the only one missing that sentence!  AND, does that mean that my brother and his wife were already planning on getting guardianship, behind my back?  Because I left him in October!  Then my mom said when I was in the hospital with my kidney infection, my dad had told them they needed legal standing.  That was in October.  When my sister in law texted back, she told me it said that because the papers were drawn up in January and I was with him.  I told her no, I left in October.  Then she said, well he was stalking you and breaking in, and that was a relationship even though you weren't with him.  Then she said, maybe it wasn't January.  The papers were drawn up when you called the cops on him.  (That was the beginning of February, and since I moved to get away from him, I don't think anyone was under the impression that he was my SIGNIFICANT OTHER!!!)

Finally I just lost it.  They all suck at lying anyway and I have no patience for being lied to to my face when I know better.  So I just said to my mom that I wished someone would have the decency and the courage (I wanted to say BALLS) to just tell me the TRUTH!!!  To top it all off, I never got to talk to my son that night before bed.  My brother claims he called three times and texted, I never got anything.  Then he said, "It's a 419 number, right?"  No, that's my old number.  And since he has texted AND called me on my current phone number, I recognized that for the load of shit that it was.

I hate to sound paranoid saying everyone's out to get me, but damn.  I just don't trust anyone anymore. 

Liberation

This time off from work -- from the world -- has been essential for my personal spiritual evolution.  I have been growing, and some of it has been painful.  But today has been a day of epiphanies.  I have been focusing on positive self-talk, correcting my thoughts when I think something negative.  I never realized how much I do that!  Just this morning I was in the shower thinking that life is "back-loaded".  When we are children, we get all the easy stuff.  It's a time of playing, no responsibilities, minor issues.  Then, as adults, we get all the problems. 

Immediately I stopped myself and said, no, life doesn't suck when you get older.  Your challenges grow as you grow, and each is an opportunity to make you a better person.  Maybe the biggest problem we had when we were two years old was a toy being stolen by a sibling -- but having known no greater problems, that WAS a big deal to us then.  Just because we can look at that situation NOW, in our current perspective, and see that it was trivial doesn't change the fact that at the time, it was major.  The same thing goes for judging the struggles of others through our own lens.  Perhaps a friend has lost a pet and is devastated.  For them, that could be the worst thing that has ever happened to them.  It makes no difference if you have lost several close family members and think this person is overreacting because it could be so much worse -- if they have known no greater sorrow, what do they have to compare it to?  We must honor and respect that at that moment, they are truly experiencing the greatest pain they have ever felt and we can't diminish it just because we would react differently if it happened to us.

Oh, I'm on a roll!  (Call me butter...hahaha)  But before I explain my next epiphany, let me just say that I did not wake up this way.  Yesterday I didn't eat anything except half of a shamrock shake.  Well, I don't know if that counts as eating.  I don't remember if I ate the day before or not, but the day before THAT I forced myself to eat an English muffin with turkey and cheese on it.  Anyway, my point is that I have had no appetite.  I thought it was iron deficiency, so I've been taking my iron.  As of last night, still nothing.  I woke up with no appetite.  I did some research and came to the conclusion that it was PPD.  I haven't been sleeping, either.  I took a Risperdal last night just so I could sleep, and I was still up by 7 -- but I couldn't get out of bed until after ten.  I just didn't want to face the day.

Then I started giving myself a little pep talk.  I have this mantra stuck to my refrigerator which says, "All is well.  Everything is working out for my highest good.  Nothing but good will come of this situation.  I am safe."  I said that a few times.  I told myself today was going to be a great day.  I talked myself into getting in the shower (still, at LEAST a ten minute argument with myself).  Afterwards, I put on makeup.  I concentrated on telling myself that I am beautiful, and the more I said it, the more I started to see myself that way.  After that, my energy was scattered -- my brain wanted to do a hundred things at once, and for a while I was rendered immobile.  I knew I needed to meditate, do laundry, put away dishes, call the benefits department, go to the library, make coffee, and eat something.  I would go to tackle one task, then I would decide to move on to another, at which point I would change my mind and start yet ANOTHER -- the end result was a bunch of things in progress, nothing accomplished.  So I made a list and talked sternly to myself -- okay, first you are going to gather up all your dirty laundry.  Then, when you are done with THAT, you are going to put on the coffee -- while that's brewing, find something to eat.  After you eat and have coffee, you are going to meditate.  When you finish THAT, you are going to the library.  Well, here I am.  Amazingly.

I found this amazing Deva Premal chant CD which I downloaded to my phone for chanting during meditation.  It is called, "Mantras for Precarious Times".  It has a chant for healing, peace, joy and bliss, removing obstacles, and liberation.  It just so happened by coincidence that liberation was the one next on the list to do today.  I put my hands around my potted ivy with the quartz planted in the soil as I chanted.  I swear, when I was finished, I could SEE the energy reverberating around my hands and the ivy.  I felt AMAZING.  I haven't been the same since then!  I have been thinking all of these really helpful things, like I have some kind of a guru living in my head all of a sudden.  This brings me to my next epiphany.

Since the birth of Sienna, I have felt a hole inside of me.  I am desperate to fill it, but I have been at a loss.  Nothing brings comfort.  I feel empty and it is a very uncomfortable feeling -- I tried lavishing extra love on my other two children over the weekend, but that did not work.  I will admit that I thought that N could be the solution.  I thought he was the only one in the world who could understand how I feel, and talking to him might make me feel whole again.  That maybe only he could comfort me.  I realized, though, that NO ONE knows how I feel.  N did not carry Sienna in his womb for nine months.  N was not at the hospital to see either the happiness OR the pain.  He simultaneously does not understand the depth of my grieving OR the scope of my joy.  No one can.  That thought was a little scary -- it terrifies me to be alone in ANYTHING.  But having accepted that, I am one step closer to my liberation.

Then I started thinking.  Nothing and no one can fill this hole -- it just has to heal, which takes time.  There is no shortcut.  Then I thought -- or the little guru in my head said -- if I had a physical hole in my body, a bullet hole in my chest or something, would I expect anyone to be able to fix THAT, just by being around them?  I mean, it could be stitched up, but the wound would still be there.  No one and nothing can erase a physical wound -- it just needs to heal.  So why would I expect any different for an emotional wound?  Time.

Sadness

I don't like focusing on negativity.  If I'm going to be honest about my feelings, though, I have to acknowledge the bad along with the good.  I guess I just never predicted that I would feel so sad, since I knew I was making the right choice.  It has surprised me a little at how heartbroken I still feel.  In addition, this heartbreak tears open old wounds from things that I thought I left behind me.  It's all coming at me at once, and it's hard to function.

The doctor prescribed Zoloft for me, but I don't think it's kicking in yet.  I can't eat.  I can't sleep, although I'm tired all the time.  I have to have a ten minute argument with myself standing in the bathroom before I can even force myself to get in the shower.  Worst of all, I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about how I feel.  After all, everyone has done so much for me.  They all love and support me so much.  Why should I repay all the positivity with whining and crying?  I just don't want to be an emotional drain on any of these bright, shining, loving people.  I feel like I have to be strong for everyone because they are so proud of me for being strong.  But inside, I'm falling apart.

I have court coming up on Thursday for my son.  THEN, I have court the FOLLOWING Thursday for Sienna.  I'm a nervous wreck.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I finally came to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do at this point.  I just have to let go and trust that everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to. 

The thing about being depressed is I don't feel like doing anything.  I can't think of anything to say, no book sounds interesting to read, no food sounds appetizing to eat, no activity sounds fulfilling to engage in.  Everything loses its sparkle, and I start to look at the world like...what's the point?  I know I have to hang in there though.  Everything is going to be okay.

Gratitude

Allow me to take a moment to express how grateful I am for the abundance I am now experiencing in my life.  I am in a state of awe and amazement.

After Sienna was born, Juliea (my doula) brought me home from the hospital.  My apartment was immaculately clean and it had even been decorated.  It had such a feeling of peace and comfort that I had not felt there before.  (Remember, I was just blogging about how much I hated my apartment?  Well, now I LOVE it!!!).  One of the sisters did all my laundry.  Another brought over groceries.  Two of them did the cleaning and decorating.  Yet ANOTHER came by a few days later with a van FULL of things donated by people she had organized -- soap, shampoo, clothes for myself and my children, shoes, toys, art supplies, food, dishes -- I was overwhelmed.  Today, I got a card and a $100 gift card for Walmart from the people I work with.  People have been reaching out to me from all areas of my life to tell me how much they love me -- it means so much.

I am honestly a little uncomfortable with all this.  I don't know how to handle it!  As I process my reaction to the outpouring of love I am receiving, I have a chance to evaluate my "self-talk".  I notice that little voice in the back of my mind saying, "I don't deserve this, I don't deserve this".  I am attentive to the feeling that overcomes me when I am around one of these amazing women, a feeling that communicates, "I am not good enough to hang out with you".  Whenever someone offers to do something for me, I think, "I am not worthy".  What is going on with this?  How did my mind get so warped that a constant sense of inadequacy permeates throughout my being?  When did this start?  HOW did it start?  I am really struggling to value myself, but it's very hard.  I am trying to establish a sense of self-worth, but I feel like I am fighting against years of conditioning.  I didn't even notice it was happening.  It helps me, also, to appreciate how difficult it is to change -- even when you WANT to change, even when you recognize the NEED to change.  Once patterns have been established, it's very difficult to break free of them.  I should be mindful of this the next time I think that N or anyone like him can just change into the person I deserve to be with. 

The night I came home from the hospital, I went to the sister circle with Juliea.  I really needed it -- we went over a stone and an herb, which were both very relevant to my current needs.  The stone was snowflake obsidian, and the herb was ginger.  Then we did a guided meditation featuring Kwan Yin (I put a picture of her on the previous entry).  It was all about healing.  I allowed a feeling of peace to settle over me and basked in the warmth of unconditional love pouring onto me from the universe.  One of the girls at the circle gave me a basket with some towels and  things in it.  Another girl gave me a HUGE bag of bathroom and hair supplies -- she does hair, so it had some really good stuff in it. 

When I got home from the circle, I went over to my coffee table.  Juliea had put my tarot cards inside a little wooden bowl, and I noticed that the deck was face-up, and the card on top was Sacrifice -- Kuan Yin.  (My deck has a different goddess on each of the major arcana cards).  This was significant, since we had just done the Kuan Yin meditation.  Not only that, but one night after N and I had been fighting horribly, he asked me to do a reading.  It was after I had left once and come back because I had nowhere to go.  He wanted to know what was going to happen with us and the baby.  The outcome card was Sacrifice.  It's especially significant because Kuan Yin is depicted on this card holding a baby -- and may I say, the baby in the picture looks a LOT like Sienna!  I knew instantly what it meant.  I tried to come up with some other explanation for N, like to say that we would have to make a sacrifice for the greater good in order to be happy together.  But I knew.

When everything seems to be going right in your life, you are in harmony with the universe.  That's how I know I am making the right choices right now.  When I was with N, it was like one thing after another kept going wrong.  Those are signs to pay attention to also -- when everything seems to be going wrong, you might want to start making different choices.

I went over to Juliea's yesterday and she made me a tea to help promote healing and drying my milk up.  My boobs were rock hard and I hadn't been able to sleep the night before because I was in so much pain.  I sat and cried for a while because it was a painful reminder that I did not have my baby.  I am okay, though.  I will be okay, I just have to be strong. 

Don't ever let anyone tell you placing a baby for adoption is easy -- not that anyone would imagine that it would be.  I'm just saying, even when it's the right thing to do -- even when it's beautiful and amazing and joyful, it is still HARD at times.  You can simultaneously be happy that you were a part of something so wonderful and sad because you love your baby so much and it hurts to be apart from her.  Juliea hooked me up with the name of a holistic counselor who takes Medicaid -- she even offers yoga classes!  I set up an appointment, so hopefully she will be able to teach me ways of coping with and healing from this.  Also, I have information on my refrigerator about a birth mother support group.

I went to my sister's house last night for dinner and felt like some wall which had been between us had come down.  I'm not entirely sure why it was there before, maybe it was something I had put up to protect myself.  After all, I never held her baby any of the times I came over before, and yesterday I finally held him.  He's so handsome.  :)  I had really walled myself off for a long time from everyone, but I feel like the events as of late have melted the icy shield that was protecting me. 

I was right when I predicted that I would never be the same -- I just had no idea what an amazing thing that was.